Chapter 11: Doubt

A/N: This chapter contains some offensive language about Romani people (from Angelus).

Buffy's first instinct was to lunge for him. But her hands grabbed air instead of his throat, and she flew straight through him, slamming into a table and falling with it to the floor. It broke beneath her painfully.

He laughed. "Now, now, Buff, that's no way to greet your lover."

She got to her feet, rubbing her sore arm. She'd forgotten how much this voice made her skin crawl, so like Angel's and so not. But she was relieved that he was only a phantom. Less worry about having to make with the staking. Her visions had been solid in hell, but in this dimension, it was back to ghosts.

"What's happening?" Giles asked. "The First again?"

"Never mistake me for that old windbag," Angelus said, rising into a falsetto. "'Oh, I'm so scary. I'm not going to kill you, but I'll make you feel really bad about it.'" He rolled his eyes.

"Yes, my sincerest apologies," Giles deadpanned. "Buffy, some help here, please. Has Angel lost his soul again?"

"I don't think so," Buffy said, getting her bearings. "I think this is just to make things harder for me."

"Isn't that how it always goes with this guy?" Angelus broke in. "He just wants to help and he ends up making your life hell. And you keep coming back for more!"

"Angel is doing this?" she asked, knowing she probably shouldn't trust him.

"He keeps staring into that fire, trying to send himself after you. He keeps forgetting what he truly is." A slow grin spread across his features. "Me."

"You're not Angel. He's more than you."

"Still in denial, huh?"

"Buffy, what is going on?" Giles interrupted forcefully.

Buffy felt a stab of confusion. Mirela had warned her not to let her friends interfere. Was she somehow supposed to ask for the necklace without mentioning the trials? How could she explain Casper the bastardly ghost?

But he took the matter out of her hands. "It's those pain-in-the-ass gypsies again," he spit. "I got rid of your little piece and her creepy uncle, but they keep popping up like roaches."

Buffy saw Giles wince at the mention of Jenny. "The demons in Bucharest were being controlled by one of Ms. Calendar's cousins," she explained. "She was trying to warn Angel that his soul was in danger."

"And now Buffy's trying to save me. Funny how she doesn't care that I exterminated the love of your life."

"I'm not saving you," Buffy countered angrily. "Angel's soul would be permanent. You'd never be able to get out again."

"That soul does nothing to get rid of me. I'm always inside. It'll still be my hands touching you, my mouth on your pretty little neck."

He had moved closer as he spoke. Close enough to touch if he were corporeal. She was powerless to stop him as he leaned in next to her ear. "You remember how it felt to have my fangs in your throat, baby. I know you do."

She pressed her lips together, wishing she could block out his effect on her, the way the words climbed down her spine like a shiver.

Then a blue powder was raining down over them. "Begone, spirit! You have no power here," Giles said commandingly. Angelus raised his eyebrows and then disappeared.

Buffy took a deep breath. "Thank you," she said shakily.

"The effects will likely be temporary," Giles said. "The spell blocks all spirits, from harmless to malevolent, and covering that much of the magical spectrum for long requires more power than I have. We should use this time wisely. You must tell me everything."

†††

They were sitting on the couch, staring straight ahead, unable to look each other in the eye now that Buffy had poured out the story of Mirela and the trials, about the Sunnydale crater and hell. Now that she'd told him what was required for the final step to be complete.

"So you...you need me to hand over the only possession of Jenny's that I..." Giles trailed off. He didn't sound angry, but intensely weary. He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes.

"I know it's a lot to ask of you," Buffy said. "I would never, if it didn't mean...And it's not like it will be gone forever. I still have the r—"

But when she looked down at her left hand, the Claddagh ring was gone. She wondered if she had lost it in hell, or if it had been the price she paid for throwing the sword in the fire. Either way, it meant she couldn't offer Giles any assurances. The silence spooled out between them.

At last, she said, "It wasn't easy for me to convince Angel to let me try to save him...I think he would tell you to keep it."

"Of course he would," said a mocking voice behind them. "He's pathetic. Luckily, that works out well for me."

"I understand if you can't forgive him," Buffy said, trying to ignore Angelus' return. "But—"

"I don't think that's his problem, Buff. But you always have been a little slow." Angelus moved to stand in front of them and she blew out an annoyed breath as she met his eyes. She hated that she wanted to know what he had to say.

"Rupert knows what I am. He doesn't need to forgive me. I'm evil, don't you see? That's just the way it goes. And he doesn't need to forgive that tortured soul, either. Rupert here still resents him, of course, but he doesn't really hold him responsible." Angelus looked to Giles, as if to gauge his effect. "It's someone else that ol' Rupie can't bring himself to forgive."

Buffy looked at Giles, unable to speak. He was shaking his head. "Buffy, no..."

"Actually, Buffy yes." Angelus looked gleeful. "You have to ask yourself, 'Do I really deserve a happily ever after when Daddy will never get his lady love back?'" He pretended to sniffle. "It's so tragic."

"Don't listen to him. It's not your fault that—"

"Yes, it is," Buffy said in a small voice. "I couldn't kill him when you needed me to. And here I am, asking you to save him."

"Poor Rupert's never had a real family. You took that away from him. You were too weak. And now you want to take away all he has left of his beloved Janna."

"That's not so," Giles protested.

"Things have been strained between us for a long time," Buffy said, looking at her lap.

"No," Giles said. "I know we've not been quite right, Buffy, but it's not..."

"Sure it is," Angelus said. "Every time you hear Puccini, every time you smell a rose...You remember. What she allowed to happen."

All the remaining color drained from Giles' face. There was nothing Buffy could do. She couldn't fight a ghost. She couldn't hit him.

Her eyes landed on the blue powder Giles had left on the table. "Shut up!" Buffy yelled, impulsively grabbing a handful and throwing it into Angelus' face.

Shockingly, he vanished.

"Wow," she said. "I, uh, wasn't really expecting that to work."

"It won't, for long."

They stared at each other before beginning to talk at once. Giles held up his hand. "Please, Buffy. I should have spoken to you long ago." He stood up, taking a few awkward steps before thinking better of it and sitting back down.

"It was easier. After Willow brought you back. To pretend you were better off without me. Because I couldn't bear letting you down again. Losing you again." He sighed. "And even when I realized how wrong I was...I made it worse. I didn't know how to fit back in. And I was still afraid of you relying too much on anyone, least of all me."

"You really haven't stopped me," Buffy said with a little smile. "I still rely on you."

"But for research, for magic."

"No," she said. "Not only for that."

He looked pained. "Our ghostly visitor was right about one thing. There is someone I can't forgive. But it's me."

"It was hard for me," she said quietly. "That you left. I thought you didn't..." She balled her hands into fists, feeling her nails in her palms. "I guess I still think that you don't."

"Nothing could be further from the truth. There is no one on this earth more important to me than you."

She reached out and he grasped her hand. His eyes were soft and tender.

"But what about..." She had to look away. "I mean, what he said about me was right, too. It was my fault...with Ms. Calendar."

"I do not blame you. I swear to it."

"I still blame myself."

He squeezed her hand and then let go. He started to take the leather cord from around his neck. "The rose quartz is known for its healing powers." He looked down at the pink stone, cradling it in his palm. "That's why Jenny had it. Maybe it's what we both need."

She put her hand over his, feeling the smooth stone between them. Then she watched over his shoulder as Angelus' face began to materialize before her eyes.

Good. She was ready.