"Well, I decided to go to school. I wanted to be a therapist. Due to cost, I did all the prerequisite classes at the community college. Kayden and his family were so supportive. We didn't live in the best apartments due to me deciding to go to school instead of working. Kayden and I decided that it was more important for one of us to be at home with Sidda and Kayden's heart and anxiety condition prevented him from working efficiently anyway. So, I went to school, and he took care of Sidda and the house. It worked for us. I was able to make my school money pay the bills. A bit before my third year of college ended I found out we were going to have another baby. I had Nova that September. She was the biggest, 9 pounds, 11 ounces, 22 inches long. Two ribs are broken while pregnant with her, two. Since she was born so early in the semester, I was able to keep up and graduate that next May with my Bachelor's in Psychology." I pause, opening my eyes, Yoon-Gi still lightly playing with my hair, his eyes closed. I take a few moments to marvel at the beauty of my husband and how grateful I am to not only have him in my life but for finally being clear of the clouds of my past. As the pause grows longer, he stops and looks down, catching me watching him. He tilts his head. "I was just thinking of how grateful I am for you," I answer his unasked question. He smiles a small smile. "I know that you are thinking about how difficult you think it has been for me over our relationship, but what you cannot see is how much you have helped me. I was getting so angry, not finding what I thought I was looking for. Not being satisfied with who I was when we met. I felt lost. Until the few months, I spend helping at the old house, when I realized that what I needed was you, not just to care for you, but your children. You were already my family." I am in awe; he's never told me this. What a night, so much we have never spoken to one another. "I thought I had to have a Korean wife, to bow to my every whim. I thought I had to have a son. That was what everyone else said I had to have. What I wanted was love, tenderness, and people to take care of lightly, quietly. I found that in your family."
"Are you a saint or something?" I ask, echoing a conversation we had many, many years ago. He snickers and closes his eyes, leaning his head back. "Tell me more."
I close my eyes again and let the words flow.
"I got a job as a therapist with a local company run by the state. It was horrible — all these issues people had I couldn't help them the way they needed due to understaffing and budget issues. It hurt my heart. I wanted to help people so much, and all this red tape prevented it. I worked there for about two years. I found myself in severe depression due to all of it and things at home. I turned to food. It was horrible. I gained so much weight. Which made my depression worse, which made me eat more — this endless cycle. I ended up having to quit my job when I found out I was pregnant with Rose. My body was not made to have children, thin uterus, giant husband, all that put a lot of pressure on my body. I was put on bedrest when I was only three months pregnant. Put into the hospital when I was seven months. Rose was born a few weeks later. She was my littlest baby, but she was four weeks early — only 6 pounds, 3 ounces, 19 inches long. It took me longer to recover than normal, about eight weeks. During that time, I started looking for a new job. I didn't want to go back to my old job; it just didn't seem like I could do anything worthwhile." I take a deep breath, not opening my eyes, but calmed by Yoon-Gi's long fingers lightly stroking my hair.
"I got an email from one of my old supervisors about speaking at a conference over mental health issues in California. It was only for two days, so, after talking to Kayden, I decided to go. My speech went over well, and I was invited to speak at a few other conferences, mainly focusing on how to change the stigma surrounding mental health issues and how they are viewed in society. It was a whirlwind year. I lost one brother to suicide, my mother and aunt passed away within one month of each other. During this time, I didn't have a steady job; I just made money by speaking at different conferences. I began to gain a reputation due to the hard hits in my life happening one day, then the next I was completely on point and doing my job. The day after Rose turned a year old I got an interesting email from a contact I met in Portland. She had a very high priority client that needed a therapist immediately and who was impressed with a speech I had given in Louisville that earlier that month. The client was in Nashville, really close to my home. I was told I'd get paid $2000 cash to go there first thing the next morning. I was a bit nervous that I didn't have any other information, but I trusted my peer and Adam agreed to go with me. I drove the 45 minutes to Nashville, an address that took me a set of lofts close to the airport. We knocked on the door and was greeted by the weirdest sight. Of course, I cannot say who it was, let's just say he was a famous actor. He looked horrible though like he had not left the room for a week. I asked Kayden to stay outside, confidentiality and all and closed the door behind me. I went to Nashville four times that week. He was so grateful that he asked me where my practice was. I told him I didn't have one set up, but since he had my phone number, he could message me anytime. He ended up recommending me to a few other people, who would then recommend me to others, so on and so forth. I ended up renting a small business place in Nashville, but Kayden didn't want to move further south. I drove back and forth for about a year. It was pretty nice, the financial stability given to us was a first and something I didn't think I'd accomplish with just a bachelor's degree."
I stretch, yawn and glance at the clock. It was already midnight. That's a long day when you start at 5:00 am. I catch Yoon-Gi looking at me. "What?" I say. "You are so beautiful, especially when you are relaxed. It's nice to see you not trying to hide." I feel myself turning red. I didn't like compliments.
"Can we finish the story another time? Today was...," I struggle to find the right word. "Intense?" Yoon-Gi asks, stretching too. "Exactly." I sit up and start hitting and rearranging my pillows. "Of course, we can finish another time. I am tired too." Yoon-Gi hits the switch next to his bed, the room grows dark, and the white noise machine comes on. We both start getting ourselves comfortable. At first, I lay like I normally would after a long day, left the side, back to Yoon-Gi. I feel the need to turn over and face him though. When I do, I notice with the moonlight from the skylight hitting his face; he does look ethereal, unreal, almost Godly. He has his eyes closes already, one of his hands lightly folded under his cheek. I reach out and lightly touch his face. He smiles at the touch and kisses my hand as it crosses his lips. He takes my hand in his other hand and intertwines our fingers. "Good night, Yoon-Gi. I love you," I whisper. "As I love you, my Leigh," he whispers back. I smile and let myself drift off to sleep.
Sometimes you can just tell you are dreaming. Sometimes I have dreams that are so real I feel like I hadn't slept, almost like an astral projection situation. This was one of those time that I knew I was asleep, but it didn't make the experience feel any less real. I could feel Yoon-Gi's presence next to me, hear his steady breathing, even feeling our hands intertwined. But I was sitting next to the pool in my old house from the states. My home I shared with Kayden. I sit back on my hands, confused as to why I was there, but not feeling uncomfortable or unhappy. I lightly kick my feet in the water, letting the heat from the sunshine on my face, closing my eyes. I do miss the dry heat from Arizona.
"Leigh," I hear from behind me. My eyes snap open; my heart starts pounding. I haven't heard that voice in ten years. I wouldn't even watch home videos with him in them. How do I recognize it so quickly? I turn and see Kayden, exactly how I remember him from the day of the accident. Each line of his face, the clothes he was wearing, all of it. He has his hands in his pockets, head tilted down, but still looking right at me. Oh, how I forgot the specks of brown that flashed in his eyes when the sun hit his face. "Kayden?"