I take just a few steps toward him. He was taller than I remember, 6'2 to my 5'4. "It's ok. I've been waiting a long time to be able to see you," he says. "I don't understand," I say, not daring to get any closer. "I know. It's different here. The rules are different than you'd think. I wasn't allowed to see you until you forgave yourself until you accepted my death until you freed yourself." I close my eyes, expecting to feel tears, but none come. "See, you understand now. You understand that I am your past, your first love. He is your present and future. Balance and love. You found the ability to love us both and finally realized it was the right thing to do. That it's not wrong." I open my eyes, expecting to see the sadness in his eyes. "Are you ok? I could have helped get you through it all. If you would have just told me," I say. "I know, but as I said, it was to be on my time, my terms. I could not put you through the pain of watching me die and not being able to fix it. I wish you would have been able to move on sooner. You put yourself through so much unnecessary heartache." He steps the few steps to me, closing the distance. I freeze and take a deep breath. He even smelled the same — a mix of his favorite musky deodorant and faint smoke due to his cigarette habit. "And yes, I am fine. It's nice here. My punishment for taking my own life was just having to wait until everyone I loved moved on from their guilt before being able to see you. You were the last one, Leigh." I hesitantly reach out and touch his hand. I look up into his eyes. "I'm sorry," I whisper. He looks puzzled. "For what?" At that very moment, I hear a light sound from my back and feel an arm get thrown over my waist. I turn, but I just see the pool. It's the weirdest thing, to be standing here, talking to Kayden, smelling and feeling what I do here, in this place. And to be able to hear Yoon-Gi's breathing, the heat from his body and his hand still in mine, now his other arm over my waist. "Oh," I turn back to Kayden, meeting his eyes. I know I am pleading for forgiveness for remarrying, for moving on. He smiles and places one hand on my face. "Leigh, there is nothing to apologize for. I wanted you to fall in love again. I wanted you to move on and have a life. I want you to be happy. Yoon-Gi is exactly the type of man you need. He will take care of yours, even if you don't want him to. His love for you and the girl's match my own. Believe me, I have felt it."
"Felt it?" I question, touch his hand on my face and leaning into it. "Yes, I am telling you. They are so nice here. I was so scared in the beginning; they helped me, they let me peek at you and the girls. And yes, they let me feel what is in his heart. It was amazing. The amount of love he has, it would rock you on your heels." I smile. "I promise you, Leigh, I am fine. You are fine. The girls are so beautiful, and they are fine. This is how life is supposed to be." I hear a faint sound from behind my back, in the other consciousness. Lightly at first, as I ignore it, letting myself be with Kayden for just a moment. But as it gets louder, I realize it's Jung-kook's ring tone. My eyes flash open, "It's ok. Go. Go back to our family. I am fine and happy. You are fine. You deserve to be happy. Open yourself to completely to him, let him love you without restraint. You will be amazed as to what you find." Kayden drops his hands and lightly kisses my forehead. "Goodbye, Leigh Nicole Laurent, Min Leigh." Him using both my name with him and my name with Yoon-Gi was surprising. "We will see each other again." I take a step back, the desire to make sure everyone is ok quickly pulling me into reality. "I love you, Kayden." "I love you too, baby." The outline of him starts to fade, and I know it's time for our goodbye to end. "Let him love you. Love him back. I expect you to love him more than you loved me." I smile as he completely disappears. I feel a light ache in my heart as I look at the place he was standing, but it feels more like closure and acceptance rather than the mourning I have been putting myself through.
"Baby," I hear quietly beside me. "Marie, let me have her call you back, I'm having trouble waking her up….Oh, ok. Of course, I'll let her know." I open my eyes, still slightly confused and in awe from the dream. "Baby?" Yoon-Gi says, his voice heightened with anxiety. I blink a few times, a few tears escaping my eyes. Well, I couldn't cry there, but I guess I did here. "Are you alright, my love?" he asks, stroking my hair.
I clear my throat, "Yes, I am ok. I am. What's going on?" I ask, stretching and looking around. His face comes into focus, well as much focus as it can without my contacts. "Marie called, she said she wanted to tell you everyone made it home just fine. She figured you'd be up worrying and was surprised when she found out you were asleep." I yawn. "That's good," I say. "Does she need me to call her back or?" I rub my eyes, so tired and just ready to go back to sleep. Maybe I could have a normal dream. "No, she said she'd call you tomorrow." He stretches across me to place my phone on my night table. I smile and snuggle into his chest. He smiles too and pulls me to him as he lays back and gets comfortable. I take a deep breath, noting the difference in the smells of the two men I love. Kayden always had a very rugged smell, Yoon-Gi always smelled like lightly scented musk. I absently start playing with the buttons on his pajama shirt, and he lightly runs one finger up and down my arm. "Are you sure you are ok? You were crying." He asks me, his voice tight. I nod lightly and say, "Yes, truly, I am. I had a….weird dream…." "Oh, one of those things where you feel like you are still awake, just somewhere else?" he asks between yawns. I nod again, catching the yawn from him. "I'll tell you about it in the morning if you want." He kisses my hair, "I always want to hear your dreams. Those are always so interesting." I lightly nod, already falling back to sleep.
As I slowly come back to my senses, I stretch and notice that I am alone in our bed. I rub my eyes and sit up, also grabbing my glasses off the side table and putting them on. I see Yoon-Gi sitting with his back to me at the desk we share. He has headphones on, so I know he's probably working on some music. I smile, heart fluttering and, well, just feeling at peace. I can recall every moment from the dream with Kayden before Marie called, but nothing from after I went back to sleep. I really cannot remember the last time I slept so well. I get out of bed and head for the bathroom, grabbing my robe on the way. I let the water run a bit to warm up while using the toilet and brushing my teeth.
It's a weird feeling, I think while getting into the shower. To feel free. To not feel the weight of guilt. I feel almost giddy. The sound of instrumental music coming through the speakers Yoon-Gi installed in the bathroom makes me smile. He must not have noticed I came in here, he always listens to music while showering. I rinse my hair and wash off quickly. I leave the water running so he can get in and I step out of the shower, grabbing a towel and drying off. I hear Yoon-Gi moving toward the bathroom door as I tie on my robe and start to twist my hair up in the towel. He opens the door as I flip my towel wrapped hair to my back. He looks so distracted, looking at his phone. Probably checking his email, one of the companies groups is debuting within the next two months, and he is stressing. He still hasn't noticed me here, so I stay still not to scare him. He hates getting startled. But, as he looks up, me being there scares him anyway.
"Shit, Leigh," he says, clutching his chest and closing his eyes. "I didn't see you get out of bed." He opens his eyes and smiles. "I figured once I hear the music. It's beautiful, did you just write it?" He walks in and beings to take off his shirt. "Yea, the melody woke me early this morning. I hate to write it out. I have some lyrics coming to me too." I take my hair down, rubbing the ends dry. "Yea? You dreamt about it?" I ask, hanging my towel on my hook. "Yea, I was having a dream about us, when I first realized I had fallen in love with you, and Kayden was there. He started playing this melody on his guitar, the one hanging in my studio while watching us. No one knew he was there, only me. Our eyes locked, he nodded and smiled." He shakes his head. "I know it was a memory, but him being there, watching, almost was so intense, Leigh. It was almost like he was thanking me. Is that boastful? Does it sound like I have too much pride?" he asks, looking down.