"Not at all. I feel like last night was Kayden's night to speak to us both," I answer, walking to him and taking his hands in mine. He looks up and asks, "I knew you were dreaming about him. I thought I would wake this morning to find the mourning back." His eyes search mine, "But I see none. It was a good dream then, yes?" I nod, "Oh yes, it was the closure I needed, but Kayden said I could not get it until I forgave myself. He told me how happy he was for me, for us. He said he was given the ability to feel the love in your heart. The love for me, for the girls." His eyes widen. "He said it was just as much as the love he has for us and for that his was so grateful for you. He said you are exactly the person I needed because you take care of me, even when I don't want you to." I smile lightly, waiting for his response. It takes him a minute, but he finally returns the smile. He nods and starts getting ready for his shower.
I turn to the mirror and start combing through my hair. A nice, loose braid seems fit for today day. I listen to Yoon-Gi humming to the melody in the shower and, well, I just feel right. I silently slip out of the bathroom and pull on some jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt. I glance at the clock and am kind of shocked when I see that it is almost 10 am. I normally do not sleep so much. I head down to the kitchen to see if anyone had made any coffee. At the top of the stairs I hear laughter and talking from the kitchen. As I descend the steps I also smell coffee and what might be some kind of bread. As I walk into the kitchen I see Mary, Rose, Nova and Liam sitting and standing around the breakfast bar. Nova sees me first and she smiles.
"Good morning, Momma. I am surprised you are just now getting up." The others turn and say their good mornings as well. "Good morning. I am too. It's been a long time since I spelt that well." I make myself a cup of coffee and lean against the counter. I then noticed that the atmosphere has changed a bit. The conversation had not continued as I thought I would. "What's wrong?" I ask looking from face to face. Rose smiles, "Nothing. Grandmaw was just telling us about her dream last night, but it was about Daddy, so….you know…" her words trail off as they all look down. I smile at them all.
"Yea? Did you dream about Kayden last night? I did too. Yoon-Gi did as well," I say. They all snap their heads up, their eyes wide with shock. I generally do not speak about Kayden, especially in a way that doesn't make my voice shake. "Ok, so I guess I need to explain what happened." I walk over to face them all, their faces ranging from shock to awe.
"Last night, after I got back from the walk with Yoon-Gi and after speaking with Mary and Sidda, something happened. I saw something that Yoon-Gi had hidden from me the last six years. I pulled away from a kiss, I know you've all seen me do it. I've spent so much time mourning and feeling guilty for falling in love with someone else. Last night when I pulled away after the guilt raged through me I didn't close my eyes like I always do. And I saw something I am sure you have all witnessed, but I have never seen." I look down at my coffee. A different type of guilt raging through me. "Yoon-Gi looked so defeated, so sad. Something in me snapped. I have never been the type of person to let other feel pain because of me, but yet, here I am," I straighten up and hold my arms wide, "Putting this amazing man through so much pain because I could not let go of a ghost, like you have all told me to do. I realized I had become someone I did not recognize and someone I could not be anymore. When that happen it was like the weight of all the needless guilt flew off of me. My heart didn't feel heavy anymore, my heart seemed to grow and I finally found the balance to love my past, love my Kayden while loving the present, the future, with Yoon-Gi." I sip my coffee as everyone exchanges glances.
"After finally falling asleep I dreamt of Kayden. It wasn't sad; it was a blessing, it was amazing. He told me that he had been waiting for a very long time for me to forgive myself and to stop mourning so he could see me. He said he needed to let me know that he not only approves of me moving on and remarrying but that Yoon-Gi was exactly what our family needed." I hear movement behind me and turn to see Yoon-Gi walking up behind me, a slight smile on his face. I smile in response and hold my arm out for him to join me. "Kayden told me he was allowed to feel the love Yoon-Gi not only has for me but for our children. And that is matched his own." Yoon-Gi comes to me and slides his arm around my waist, pulling me into a proper hug. I close my eyes and smile.
We release to find everyone else smiling. "So, it's ok. I'm finally ok. Please, continue with your story. I promise my reaction to Kayden's name will not ever be crippling as it was before." Mary looks on the verge of tears, but when she speaks her voice is steady. "Kayden told me almost the same. But he fussed at me just a bit. 'How could you let Michelle forget herself?' He was joking, of course. We all know how stubborn you are." I hide my face in Yoon-Gi's chest. "It was a very peaceful dream."
"Since we all had similar experiences, I wonder if they were dreams at all," Yoon-Gi says. "I know, I was thinking the same thing," I said, lightly releasing Yoon-Gi's waist and picking my coffee back up. "I feel like you might be right," Rose whispers. "I dreamt about Daddy last night too. He looked exactly how he did the morning of the accident," she looks up, tears in her eyes. It has been the hardest on her, my youngest, losing her father at such a young age and then me checking out the way I did. It took me months to come back to a place where I could take care of my children correctly. I sit my cup down. "You don't have to talk about it, Rose," I say.
"No, it's ok. He told me he was so proud of the woman I had become. It really seems all the dreams were happy. Mine was too, but the memories of Daddy had faded so much for me, so I think it was just such a shock to see him, to hear his voice." She looks down, letting tears fall on her hands. I walk over to where she is and put my arms around her shoulders. "I am so sorry, my sweetheart. I know how I handled it made things so much harder on all of you girls. I really tried to seem normal in front of you all. I know I failed." She shakes her head, "No, Mama." I straighten up. I see Yoon-Gi smiling from behind her, Nova to the left. They must know what she is about to say. "Before losing Daddy I looked at you like you two were literally a superheroes," she turns to look at me, my eyebrows raise. "I know, I was old enough to understand, but I never thought anything would change. At my age I had only lost Nana and Granny. They were old and sick. I really did not understand that I could lose you are Daddy. When Daddy died I was so scared you'd be next. But I was even more afraid that you would act like you were ok, that you would pretend everything was ok. That was my biggest fear from that experience." Now it's my turn to be shocked. Another round of guilt that was unnecessary?
"I know, it sounds so weird, but I needed to see you feel the pain we all felt. I needed to see it because if I didn't, I don't think it would have felt real. Even when you had to go to that place and Grandmaw came to stay with us. It hurt, so bad, but I knew it was real. And, for me, it helped so much to see you as a person, human, not the superhero I had envisioned in my mind. When you came home, visibly still sad, but obviously still my mother, it taught me that life was so precious. When I realized that had fallen in love with Yoon-Gi, I prayed ever night that you would forgive yourself. Never, never forget that even though you think you failed, you think you should have done better, I, for one, needed to see you as a person instead of just my mother." I hug my youngest child, her wisdom amazing.
"You see, Momma," Nova says. I release Rose and look over at her and Liam, his arm casually thrown over her shoulders. "You are such a strong woman. You pulled yourself out of the ashes more times than most people find themselves close to the fire. Your Phoenix persona is exactly correct. What you don't understand, growing up with a mother like that, not showing your pain, always just doing what you needed to do, never stopping to feel even when you needed to, how it framed you in our minds. It did make us very, very strong women, but it also made you seem…..impenetrable. For us to be the strong women you wanted us to become, we needed to see you, well," she looks at Liam. He nods. "Break," she finishes. I smile.
"Well then," I say. "I guess I have a bunch of guilt that is not needed then, huh?" They all smile and relax. "Well then, what is on the agenda for today?" I ask the room at wide.
"I think we are going to go out to take Grandmaw to visit Tae and Sidda," Rose says, standing up. "She has seen the farm yet, and it does not take long to get there. I figure we'd just take the train."
"That sounds like a great day. What time is your flight tomorrow, Mary?" I ask getting another cup of coffee. "It's at 11 am." I nod, taking a sip. "Do you and Yoon-Gi want to join us today?" Liam asks. I look at Yoon-Gi.
"I can't, Joon said there are a few issues with some of the trainees at their dorms. I am needed to go help him out," Yoon-Gi says, checking his phone.
"I need to check on the bakery; I haven't been in three days," I say. "Alright, we'll head out. There is a train in twenty minutes," Rose says. "Wait, did you call to make sure they were staying home today," I ask. "Yea, I talked to Sidda a few minutes before you came down," Rose answers as she puts her dishes in the dishwasher. "She said they are planning on being at home for most of the day. She said Tae had a bunch of things he wanted to try to get done because the farm has been in such disarray." I nod, Tae taking over his family farm was something he was excited to do, but it had proven difficult for both him and Sidda to get used to being there. Sidda has never really been on a farm, and Tae had been living in the city for such a long time. He decided to move back to the farm a few months before he asked Sidda to marry him. "You guys be careful," I say, waving to them and heading back up stairs to grab my phone.