Courage Is A Woman
"I must be crazy to want this
'Cause you are the girl of my dreams
But I'm prone to ruin the good things
Cautious 'round balance it seems
But with you it is different
The rules don't apply
But I need some distance to step out of line"
Maria Mena
Chapter 4. Habits
It was well after 7PM when they finally made it to their dinner location of Stella's choice, a restaurant on Madison Avenue that wasn't as fancy as Scully had expected it to be. They had been walking all afternoon, finding a quiet place here and there to look out across the park and relax a little before moving on but they were tired and their feet hurt. Stella had always loved exploring the Rambles in Central Park, it was her favorite place in the city, so she had thoroughly enjoyed herself. However, she was hungry and so was Scully. The host gave them a seat in a corner by the window and took their order for drinks before handing them a menu. Soon, both women were enjoying their drinks and pasta, but mostly each other's company. 'How many times have you been to New York?' Scully asked Stella, because it was only about a three hour journey for her, it must be almost a full day's travel for Stella. 'I don't exactly know,' Stella answered. 'I lived here for a couple of months on an internship while I was in uni and I came here as a child.' They talked about their education a little, Scully being deeply impressed by Stella's achievements, and slowly the conversation turned personal again. Neither of them minded but both of them were aware of it.
Slowly the conversation turned towards Scully's relationship with Mulder, and Stella was intrigued by what she saw play across Dana's face every time she mentioned him. 'How long have the two of you been together?' she asked after learning that he was also with the FBI. Scully smiled. 'We've been working together for twenty years,' she answered. 'We've basically grown up together.' Stella nodded. 'You were partners?' Dana glanced at Stella, a smile in her eyes. 'Yes, and yes, we did sleep together during that time. But it's more than that, it always has been. I think we've known since the moment we met that we would always be in each other's lives. We're... We're important to each other. I think we saved each other more than anything else. He needed me, and I needed him.' Stella looked at the redhead sitting across from her – what a different life they'd had. She couldn't relate to what Dana was telling her whatsoever and it made her heart ache for that same connection. She'd long ago given up on finding a life partner, but she was human after all and especially recently she thought she could use someone to save her. 'That sounds an awful lot like fate,' she said to Dana, a smile trying to hide her true feelings. 'Back then I would have called you insane,' Scully answered. 'There is no such thing as fate. But now, I'm not so sure. We've been through a lot together and we're still here, somehow. So I think you're right. I want to believe that fate knows best.' Stella didn't answer but called over the waiter to collect their plates.
As they were enjoying their chocolatey desserts Scully's thoughts wandered to the woman on the opposite side of the table. She had said that she had never been in a long, committed relationship, something Scully found hard to believe – she knew it must have been by choice. Realizing they were on two completely opposite sides of this she stopped herself, who was she to question Stella's life and the path it had taken? She knew nothing, and she had no right to judge her. Her own relationship was pretty dysfunctional, and even though she'd never actually considered a relationship with someone else or even leaving Mulder for real, she couldn't help but admit to herself that it had been on her mind recently. How does one keep track of one's happiness if all you've been doing is making sure everyone else is all right? She'd asked herself that question before while in New York and Stella and her different view on life just intensified the feeling for Scully. Was she happy? Was she where she needed to be?
'Dana?' Scully was ripped from her thoughts by Stella's voice, clearly waiting for an answer. 'Where are you?' Stella asked. 'Sorry,' she said. 'I was… I don't know what happened, I must have zoned out for a bit. I'm sorry, what did you ask me?' Stella looked at her empty plate. 'Never mind, we're tired. Let's head back soon.' Dana nodded. 'That's probably a good idea. Look, I didn't mean to be rude, I was just lost in thought for a minute.' Stella looked at her. 'It's fine, it really wasn't important.' It hadn't been, and Stella had been more interested to see what went on behind Scully's eyes than she had been wanting an answer, because she'd seen such a battle going on there. Even though Dana had a seemingly perfect relationship Stella knew better than anyone that looks can be deceiving. She quietly concluded that Dana wasn't as happy as she said she was. She looked vulnerable and distant while her brain was working and somehow it drew Stella in even more.
They split the bill equally and agreed to head back to the hotel, both of them craving a shower and a change. Also, they hadn't been alone all day since that morning and Stella needed some time to herself. She had realized somewhere during the blissful afternoon in Central Park that she had started to feel attracted to Dana Scully. This was a problem. Dana on the other hand felt strangely powerful and free, and the smile on her lips spoke volumes to the New Yorkers they passed. This, to them, was a woman who had done what many others had done before her – Coming in to this city and in some sense by doing so, coming into themselves. They soon got in a cab because even though the hotel was literally down the street, it was almost 30 blocks down and neither of them really felt like walking too much anymore. Sitting side by side in the cab they were quiet, but comfortable and Stella was soon lost looking at Dana who was enjoying the view outside. The cab ride was almost as slow as walking would have been due to the infamous traffic but neither of them minded. When they finally did get back to the hotel, Scully punched the elevator button and sighed. 'I really enjoyed myself today.' Stella looked at her. 'Me too, and your help has been very insightful.' 'Glad I could help.' Scully answered. As they entered the elevator Scully pushed the button to her floor. 'What floor are you on?' 'Same, actually,' Stella said. 'Room 312.' Scully smiled. 'We're practically neighbors then. I'm in 316.' Interesting, Stella thought, when she'd wanted to put some distance between Dana and herself last night– she couldn't have been much closer if she'd tried.
They said goodbye by Scully's door that was closest to the elevator. Scully felt a little awkward but Stella softly reassured her by taking the lead, establishing that they could go to the conference together the next day. Scully agreed and diverted her eyes to the floor before meeting Stella's eyes. 'I'll see you tomorrow, then,' she said and Stella nodded. 'Good night.' With that, she turned away and walked the few doors down to her own room. Dana watched her for a few seconds before entering her key card – Who even was this woman? What had brought them to this point?
Once the door was closed behind her Scully remembered that she had almost not looked at her phone today – she'd been too busy and frankly, she hadn't wanted to distract herself with work from home. As she fished it out of her bag she found the battery dead so she plugged it into her charger, thinking she hadn't asked Stella for her number. What if she needed to contact her? I'm with the FBI, she thought. I can figure it out. Carefree she got rid of her shoes and jeans before opening her closet, ready to change into something more comfortable. It was around 10PM and she really didn't feel like doing anything anymore, the day's good weather and company having tired her out, so she opted for leggings and her pajama top. The cleaning services had partially closed her curtains and she decided to open them, and to spend the rest of her evening in front of the amazing view that was provided by the circus of lights dancing across New York – after the shower, of course.
A couple of rooms down Stella Gibson was basically doing the same thing, although her room had a bathtub which she had already decided she was going to take full advantage of this evening. She let the tub fill up as she slowly undressed herself, regarding her reflection in the large bathroom mirror. She took good care of herself, but it wasn't for anyone else – it had for a long time now only been for herself. She had learned not to care what others thought, she was in control of what they saw and when they saw it, and that gave her confidence. However, today's events had her thinking about Dana. Would she like the way Stella looked? It had been a long time since she'd been with a woman, but for Stella it had always been about the right person for her needs, whatever gender they may be. She thought she didn't know Dana at all, really – had she ever been with a woman? Had she liked it? Were her and her partner exclusive, or was there some room for her? Stella sighed, deciding not to think about it too much – after all, she was only here for a few days and there was an ocean parting them. A one night stand might be nice, but something more was out of the question before the question had even gotten a chance to be asked. As Stella got in the tub (which had filled up nicely, bubbles everywhere,) she thought back to a recent dream she'd have where a bathtub was the place she died. She had decided back when she'd first had that dream that she wasn't going to let it ruin her baths, but to be honest she hadn't had one since. She felt uneasy and tense, but she made an conscious effort to relax.
About fifteen minutes later she felt frustration rise in her chest. He wasn't here, he was dead – why couldn't she seem to let it go? Every time she tried to relax and breathe out slowly she felt her chest compress, as if he was pushing down on her, as if she was drowning. Every time she closed her eyes she felt his presence, his hands on hers, massaging them before moving his hands to her neck. Very slowly but surely she was starting to panic, and as soon as she recognized the signs she decided to get out of the tub. Wrapping a large towel around her naked body she sat on the edge, trying to calm down, while tears were slowly beginning to stream down her cheeks.
Scully sat on her bed, reading through her notes she'd made with Stella. It was an interesting case and looking back she had found some additional links that Stella might be interested in. Sighing, she collected her notes and put them in a folder. Halfway through, she stopped and chuckled at herself – what was she doing? Why was she preparing to go to Stella's room to show her something that could easily wait until tomorrow, and why was she lying to herself about her motives? It was late and Stella was probably tired, but Scully felt like she needed to see her. She wanted to talk to her more, make sure… Make sure what, exactly? She knew that with or without her, Stella would be okay. If they never saw each other again she would be okay. She'd probably not give Dana a second thought before moving on. Still, their day had meant something to Scully – it had shown her possibilities she hadn't thought of before. Scully thought about last night and the bartender, and she wondered if Stella would be alone. That would be awkward as hell, interrupting DSI Gibson during one of her conquests. Still, somehow, Scully decided to take the risk, not to overanalyze her motives, to just go with her gut for once. It had been a while since she had done that.
Collecting the folder she checked her appearance in the mirror. It would just have to do, she didn't look her best but she had just showered after all and she was sure Stella had probably done the same thing. She got her key card from the table and put on her trainers before heading to room 312.
Stella was still sitting on the bathtub edge when she heard a knock on the door. She realized she was cold, still slightly damp but her body chilled with the air drying her heated skin. 'Just a second,' she called, surprised by her own voice – it sounded hoarse and heavy, and she cleared her throat before standing and looking in the bathroom mirror. Wiping the fresh tears from her cheeks she knew there was no way to hide what she had been doing, and she decided that it was no one's business anyway – let them see, let them draw conclusions. They would be wrong and she wouldn't care. She slipped on a pair of socks and, still covered in just a big towel, she walked over to the door.
'Stella, am I interrupting?' Dana started as soon as the door opened. 'I found some interesting connections I thought you'd want to see…' She stopped dead as she looked upon Stella's face. Her clear blue eyes were open and raw, her lip slightly trembling and a tiny dent in her chin giving away her effort to appear okay. 'What's wrong?' Dana asked softly. 'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come.' 'No,' Stella said quickly. 'It's okay. Come in.' Scully did so hesitantly and closing the door behind her she put the folder on a table nearby. 'Are you okay?' she asked softly. Stella nodded. 'Yes.' Scully could see it was mostly a lie, Stella felt far from okay but she was unsure if she should let it slide or if she should push a little. 'You don't have to tell me if you don't want to,' she said softly, trying to navigate the roadmap shown in Stella's expression. 'But I'm a pretty good listener if you do.' Stella smiled sadly and moved over towards the bathroom. 'I'm going to get dressed. Pour yourself a drink if you want.' It wasn't an answer, and Scully hadn't expected one, but it was something else, something more valuable. Acceptance.
Scully poured two glasses of red wine that she found on a tray table close to Stella's bed, patiently waiting for her to reappear. She walked over to the window, looking at the view that was so similar to hers as she thought about their differences. Judging from the state of Stella's room she was used to staying in hotels like this, upscale places that had many services Dana didn't even know about. She saw a dinner menu, a coffee and tea set and the tray table with an assortment of alcoholic beverages she didn't have in her room. Also, on a chair there were a couple of bagged clothes, probably from a dry cleaning service. Stella seemed to have unpacked everything, whereas Scully had been living out of her suitcase – out of habit more than anything else. Stella seemed to be unapologetically making this hotel room her home for now, her domain. It spoke of a form of control, almost saying to the hotel: You work for me now. Not in a rude way, but in an elegant, clever and unquestioning way. Scully liked it and thought she should do more of that in the future. After all, she had just vowed to herself multiple times that she wanted to pay more attention to her own needs and wants.
In the bathroom, Stella quickly changed into a bralette and her cuffed pajama bottoms, deciding to grab a T-shirt from her wardrobe instead of the silk top she had been wanting to put on. She felt slightly vulnerable and it wasn't unpleasant, but it wasn't comfortable either and she used a few moments to gather her thoughts before exiting the bathroom. Dana was by the window and as Stella grabbed and put on a dusky pink v-neck from her wardrobe she turned around. 'Wine?' she asked and handed Stella the wine glass. Untying the bun from the top of her head Stella gratefully accepted the offer. 'I could use some,' she said while moving over to the window, Dana following her. She could feel the other woman's profiling skills hard at work, trying to gauge her mood, gather information from her body language. 'Stop analyzing me,' she said slightly jokingly. 'I'm fine, I promise.' Scully stood next to her at the window and smiled slightly shyly. 'Sorry. Comes with the trade.' Stella sipped her wine. 'I don't like it,' she said seriously. 'Anyway, it was bound to happen, we've been talking about this shitshow of a case all day. I knew it would be hard to shake that.' Scully stood next to Stella, looking at her for a second before turning her gaze towards the city. 'Are you seeing a psychologist about this?' she asked quietly, putting down her glass. 'I'm sure the Met has people for that.' 'They do,' Stella said, turning away from the window to gather her thoughts for a second. 'I've slept with all of them.' 'Oh,' Dana replied.
Scully looked out across the city. From this room she was just able to make out where Times Square was, a small space between two buildings slightly flashing pink, yellow or blue every few seconds between the array of red and yellow. After a few minutes of silence and wine she decided to share something personal with Stella because she felt safe with her, and even if they didn't know each other they were bound to go home to the opposite sides of the world soon anyway. Also, she felt that Stella was making an effort in being honest with her and she wanted to make sure she gave as much as she took. 'I've decided to take this trip as a kind of pocket universe,' she admitted. 'I'm trying to leave all the bad stuff behind. It's been a long time since I've done something for myself so I told myself that while I'm here, I can just do what feels right. That might sound strange to you, but it's something that I keep forgetting.' Stella looked down at her wine glass before putting it down and turning towards Dana, meeting her fierce blue eyes. She saw the truth behind that statement and she recognized it. 'Self-love is so important but so hard,' she said calmly. 'I struggle with it on a daily basis.' 'Really?' Scully asked, turning away from Stella's quiet intensity. Stella averted her eyes to the view outside while still facing Dana. 'I've made a lot of fucked up decisions over the years and I regret a great deal. It's hard for me to recognize the difference between self-love and self-destruction sometimes.' The vulnerability she had felt minutes ago in the bathroom spread out through her heart, and Stella felt a little out of place. She wanted to follow her instincts, step closer to Dana and feel that electricity that was their connection sparkle between them, but she was afraid of rejection. Something about Dana made her unsure – The way she looked at Stella went far beyond what Stella was used to and she was scared it would expose her deepest secrets. She was used to feeling in control, but Dana quietly demanded of her to be her equal, and even though she didn't deserve anything less it wasn't a sure and comfortable position for Stella.
Dana felt Stella's openness hang between them, knowing that it was something she had to be very careful with. Her statement had touched Dana, it was strangely familiar although she had never thought of it that way. She remembered the gentle hug in the park, the way Stella had taken and held her hand while climbing through the woods on high heels and how the physical contact had felt completely natural and soothing. Pocket universe, she reminded herself, and tentatively stepped a little closer to Stella. Her eyes were lost somewhere in New York but her soul was right there as Dana carefully put her hand on Stella's arm. Stella turned her gaze to Dana and a small smile that Scully couldn't decipher played around her lips. Stella's arm came around Dana's back, lying in the place she usually reserved just for Mulder. Slight pressure made Dana step closer to Stella and sighing she accepted whatever was happening – They were in the City of Light, the concrete jungle where dreams are made of. She would be okay.
Stella felt Scully carefully lean into her and she remembered their embrace earlier in the day. She knew it had been born out of the need to reassure and comfort, something people rarely did for her, and that it had been sweet and nice. Now, however, there was another element that complicated things: Dana Scully was incredibly beautiful, kind, sexy and interesting – and Stella was falling for her more and more every second they were together. Deciding not to second guess herself Stella leaned into Dana and they came together, meeting in the middle, Scully's hips touching Stella's stomach. Dana turned a little, leaning her head carefully on Stella's shoulder as their bodies found each other. Stella's arms came around Dana to rest on her back while Dana's did the same, clasping her fingers on the curve of Stella's spine. Scully felt a shiver run down her body at the intimacy of their embrace – it was protective, raw and very vulnerable for both of them, but neither felt uncomfortable. Stella's only thought was that she didn't want this to end. The warm feeling of Dana's body against her own was comforting to her and the incredible view made her almost feel like she was dreaming. Was this even a possible reality for her?
Dana looked up after a few seconds, meeting Stella's eyes. They pulled back a little to search each other's gaze, trying to find a reason to move, some indicator that what they were doing wasn't exactly what they wanted. The only thing they found was raw and pure depth – emotional weakness that was laid bare by the other's mere presence.
Stella realized in that moment that these feelings she had didn't complicate anything after all. They only simplified the situation. Dana Scully was here, and Stella wanted her to stay. Not to fuck her (not yet, anyway), but to feel and make her feel safe and comforted. She smiled carefully, giving Dana all the time she'd need to move if she wanted to before slowly licking her lips and moving to kiss her cheek. The kiss was soft, a mere whisper of a touch and Stella watched in fascination as Dana made sense of what was happening. She was prepared to hear an apology, to be rejected, but to her surprise Stella witnessed a slow smile spread across Dana's face as she turned her chin up and defiantly met her eyes again. This time it was Dana who moved – Stella stood still as she felt Dana's hand move to her cheek. Softly Dana touched her lips to Stella's, lingering for a second before Stella responded. Their first kiss was slow and sweet, as Dana tentatively explored the connection of their lips. After a few moments Stella's eyes closed with the wonder of it all as she leaned into this woman who was slowly driving her crazy. Dana sighed and was encouraged by Stella's response, carefully licking Stella's bottom lip on her last kiss before pulling back a little. As they parted Scully breathed deeply and Stella pulled her a little closer. 'Hey you,' she said softly. 'Hey,' Scully replied, looking out at the night view unfolding before her. In the reflection of the window she could see how Stella still had her eyes closed.
After looking out across New York for a few minutes, Stella Gibson safely in her arms, Scully started to feel her bottom lip quiver a bit. As she concentrated on the feeling, a wave of emotion washed over her – within the frame of a few seconds she felt sad, guilty, angry, but also grateful, loved and cherished. It was a deadly mixture and tears came to her eyes. As she tried to hold them back she sniffed.
Stella immediately recognized the sound and felt the mood in the room change with the sound of Dana's tears. Her left hand which had been resting on Dana's back came to hold her red tresses close to her shoulder. 'It's okay,' she tried, not really sure what she needed to say. 'I'm sorry.'
Scully leaned back out of the embrace, letting Stella's hand fall to her side. As their eyes met Dana wondered about what she saw in Stella's icy blue orbs – something true, something deep – but she decided not to linger on it. 'Don't apologize,' she said softly, her voice heavy with emotion. 'I'm not.' Stella smiled knowingly, she understood Dana's inner turmoil all too well. Just because she had gotten really good at hiding it didn't mean that she was impervious to the feelings that sometimes came with physical contact. 'Don't try to hide it,' she advised. 'It's beautiful.'
Realizing what she'd said she looked at Dana's face for a reaction, and watched as Dana averted her eyes to the floor before moving to sit on the carpet in front of the window. She reached for Stella's hand and Stella let her pull her down, sitting cross legged next to Dana. 'I've never done this before,' Dana admitted softly. 'I don't know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.' Stella held onto her hand, putting it on her own leg. 'You're doing it because it feels right. I don't usually do this either.' Dana smiled at her. 'You mean you don't kiss every FBI agent that crosses your path?' she teased. 'Only the beautiful ones that drag me through Central Park all day,' Stella answered, a cheeky smile on her lips. It was the second time she'd called Dana beautiful and even though she meant every word of it she couldn't help but notice how Dana was ignoring it. She decided to let it slip for now. Standing Stella collected and refilled their wine glasses before rejoining Dana on the floor. As they leaned into each other Stella's head found Scully's shoulder again and their hands came together on Stella's thigh. As their fingers entwined they continued to observe the city from high in the sky, both of them silently grateful for the top floor accommodation – it offered a sense of privacy that both of them needed right now. 'What do we do now?' Scully asked quietly after a few minutes of contemplation. Stella raised her head to look at Dana's profile, the outside lights reflecting in her eyes. 'Whatever you want,' she whispered and put her head back where it belonged.
On the small table in the middle of the room the folder Dana had brought was still waiting to be opened. It would lie there, untouched, until one of the women would remember its existence and save it from its lonely position, forgotten, abandoned.
Quietly Dana sighed and turned her head to face Stella, who raised her chin and regarded her openly. 'So,' Dana said softly. 'Is this self-love or self-destruction?' Stella's lip quivered, her chin denting in that utterly exposing way. 'I honestly don't know,' she answered, and Scully sighed. 'Does it matter?' she asked. 'No fucking way,' Stella said softly.