A/N: Hey guys! Here's chapter 9! It's pretty much focused on Lena with special guest appearances of Brainy and even Clark as Superman.
Lena leaned on her kitchen counter, her head in her hands, her mind pretty much a mess. She was sat on the bar stool, an empty glass and a half-empty bottle of scotch right next was set on the counter. She wasn't entirely sure what to do next that for her genius, drinking was the only resolution she could come up with.
It was bright and early the day after the attack at L-Corp. Lena had pretty much given up on trying to get ready for work the next day, leaving a message to Eve to cancel all her appointments. There were too many things preoccupying her mind at the moment that she didn't feel like she could be her best self at L-Corp that morning.
There was the whole thing with James that, if she were being honest, felt like the least concerning thing on her woeful list of troubles. She'll deal with him later when she figures out what she wants to do. Things with him had escalated to the worst possible heights and with everything that had happened the day before, she just didn't have the energy to spare him the thought at the moment.
What with the battle raging on between her mind and heart and all the truths and revelations she had to face the other day, Lena felt like she was being torn apart. She would be lying if she said that in her drunken stupor the night before she didn't end up crying herself to sleep.
Lena took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. She needed to be logical.
But logical meant that she had to deal with the mess of the aftermath that had followed her chaotic morning the other day, and she really didn't want to have to deal with that. She didn't want to relive her questionable decisions, her anger, her sadness, or the heartache that persisted inside her chest.
So another shot of scotch it is.
Her head was pretty much throbbing, the part of herself that still had common sense was heavily chastising her, but she nevertheless downed the drink she had poured for herself with one go. She wanted to desperately remove the image of heartbroken Kara looking so torn up and hurt flying away from her balcony the other night, she wanted to forget the hurtful things that had come out of her mouth, the terrible things she had said because it killed her to even say it to Kara, but time had gone and can't be unturned.
Perhaps Kara hated her now. Although Lena couldn't bear the thought of it, perhaps it was also for the best.
Because how could Kara ever love someone like Lena?
More than that, how could Kara ever love her without telling her the truth that she was Supergirl?
Lena leaned resumed leaning on the kitchen counter after downing another shot, her chin on the palm of her hands, looking at the glimpse of her living room from where she sat, her eyes lingering on the spot where Kara had landed on the balcony the night before.
Her voice had been so soft as she called out to her, uncertainty wringing clear. "Lena…"
But Lena had already been two bottles in. The realization that Kara and Supergirl had been one and the same after all this time too difficult for her to grapple.
Lena mostly ignored her as Kara invited herself in, stepping inside from the opened doors – Lena wasn't even sure why she had opened them – and not sure if what she was doing was breaking any rules. She had been careful with her movements, trying to humble herself in front of Lena. It was almost to jarring for her to see Supergirl acting like the Kara Danvers she knew.
At their core, she supposed they were one and the same. She really should have seen it sooner. Kara was brave, kind, and loving. She was strong, dependable, and protective. She was the one who defended her, always. A shelter in the storm of life. Lena always felt safe with her, it was always so easy with her. With Kara she was Lena, and Lena only. No Luthor name, no heavy weight of the past to lug and carry around.
With Supergirl, she was careful. Sure, she always saved her, and saved the day too, but she was still a Super, and Lena was still a Luthor. No matter how hard she tried, there were certain prejudices that came with who they were. Case in point, she had turned on her with disappointment and anger when she found out about the kryptonite Lena synthesized a year ago. Her pride and hubris as a hero took over – seemingly forgetting that there were many things that could hurt and kill a human too – and, for once, Lena had seen a fatal flaw. Fatal to their relationship for she was reminded of the painful truth associated to her name.
Kara seemed to be on the same page that night, apologizing profusely to the mistakes she knew she had committed, admitting that she still had a lot to learn.
It made Lena want to forgive her.
But it also made her angry.
Because she saw for the first time ever that the one person she trusted with her life, the one person she had the highest of regards for, was the same person who had caused her the most pain.
Yet here she was, the Kara she knew in Supergirl's suit reminding her that she was more than a Luthor.
"But it was enough, wasn't it?" Lena had then found herself saying, interrupting Kara's speech. "It was enough to keep who you really were from me, Kara." she went on to say as cool and calm as possible. But her hands had been shaking, her body betrayed her every intention. She didn't want to show her she was shaken up by this truth, she didn't want to give Kara the knowledge of just how much she affected her.
Worst of all, if Lena were being honest, she didn't want to show Kara how hurt she was that she didn't even trust her with the truth of who she was. Rather something hypocritical to do to someone you claim to love.
"That wasn't…" Kara tried to reason.
"Then what was? Why didn't you tell me?" Lena pressed on, her voice slightly raising with each word, asking her question with a sense of desperation and urgency. She needed to understand, she wanted to so badly, why Kara would do such a thing.
"I wanted to protect you." Kara replied almost in a whisper, tears trailing down her cheeks as she tried just as desperately to make Lena understand.
"Yeah? Well then, I assume everyone else knew?"
"Lena that was different." Kara argued.
"Different how, Kara?" she asked before chuckling. "I don't even know you're real name. Must be fun making a fool out of me."
"That wasn't –" Kara immediately replied. "Lena… Kara really is my name. Kara Zor-El, before the Danvers took me in." she settled on giving a reply.
Lena's resolve nearly crumbled. One look at Kara's searching, glassy eyes was enough. But her anger that had been fueled by the amount of alcohol she had already consumed kept her going. "At least that's one thing I know about you to be true."
"Lena…" Kara immediately responded, once again pleading, taking one step closer to where she was, reaching out but immediately backing off, not wanting to suddenly invade Lena's space. "No, the situation… that's what's different. The people who know, they found out on their own and out of necessity. If I had my way… Lena, more than anyone, you're the one I would tell it to. That I'd want to share my secret to."
"A little late of an afterthought, don't you think?" Lena remarked, embittered by her feelings.
But Kara didn't waiver, taking another step closer. "Lena…" she said as she sighed. "You're the one who I wanted to know the truth the most, but the one couldn't tell it to the most. You're the one I'm scared of losing the most, I need you to understand that." she fought to say, despite getting more and more emotional. "I need you to know that much."
And it moved her, oh it did. But the poisoned thoughts that formed out of living under the shadow cast her family, the memories of growing up as a Luthor tainted her. It made her second-guess everything. It made her second-guess why Kara was doing this. And it unnerved her so much, seeing Kara right in front of her as the Kara that she knew dressed up as the Kryptonian their city hailed as their savior.
"Just go, Kara." was all that Lena could say.
"Lena, please just… I need you to know. I was planning to tell you the truth, I wanted you to know." Kara went on, this time closing the distance and reaching out to hold Lena's hand in her own. "This is all too much, I know, but it wasn't a lie. Not everything with us was a lie. I am myself the most when I'm with you, because I can just be Kara. Because when I'm with you I'm not from the House of El, or a hero, or the cousin of your brother's nemesis. I'm just me. And it gives me faith that maybe, just maybe, there's something between us. That we have the power write our own destinies. I know it's a lot, but it doesn't change the fact of how – no matter how stupid blind I was – am truly falling in helplessly in love with you." she went on to say, with all the passion and heart.
But Lena just couldn't say it, scared, hurt, confused, and untrusting.
"Just go…" she whispered in response, her head filled with too much noise.
"Lena…" Kara pleaded once more, looking rather dejected. "I… I don't need you to love me the same way, I… I just need to know that we're going to be okay, that we could…"
"Kara," Lena replied, feeling all torn up because there she goes again being selfless, putting her needs above her own. There she goes again being Kara Danvers. "Kara, I need you to leave, go. I don't want to see you!" she yelled in response, with all her might. She couldn't deal with this right now, not with all the inner turmoil she had to deal with herself first.
Not with all her warring sides, tearing her apart and reducing her into nothing but a shadow of who she believed she was. Not with all the voices of doubt in her head, or the venomous whispers she could imagine coming from Lex or her mother under a hypothetical instance that they knew of what a Super had felt for her and she felt for that said Super too.
No, she couldn't deal with it.
Because her head was a tangled mess, because it was getting so easy to just forgive Supergirl and forget the lie she kept, forget the fights they had as a Super and Luthor the past year they worked together, and forget absolutely everything else when she was being the Kara that she –
Don't you dare say it! Lena thought to herself, snapping back to reality, and reaching for the bottle of scotch.
Because she really didn't know what to think.
A part of her, the one angry about Kara's deception, thinks that Kara didn't deserve her.
A different part of her, the one so relieved and overjoyed, the part that wanted to bask in the glory of knowing the truth that Kara Danvers loved her, felt the shame of thinking that she might not deserve Kara no matter how hard she tried.
And then there was that third part. A part that belonged to both halves of her warring mind and heart.
The part that had oh, so easily let slip a truth she didn't think exist. A truth she had subconsciously buried as soon as she started to get to know Kara and begun her fondness of her.
The truth that she loved her too.
A truth that she was still trying to grapple with on top the whole Supergirl thing.
"I see that it's not easy to deal with the boxes when they stay buried and closed for too long." she then heard Brainy say as the Coluan appeared in Lena's kitchen uninvited.
"I…" Lena started to say, confused as to what and why he was there in the first place.
"I came because of boxes." Brainy said matter-of-factly.
"What?" Lena replied, completely lost.
"Technically, I came because Nia Nal asked me to check on you seeing as no one seems to be able to reach you. Not to mention that Kara is currently the opposite of chipper this morning and, if I may quote Ms. Nal 'looks like death' this morning."
"She's… wha-…" Lena stammered before clearing her throat. "And why should I care about Ms. Nal or Kara, for that matter, wanting to know how I'm doing?"
"Again, Ms. Nal was the one who asked. Kara simply looks lifeless and unmoving at the moment. Although if I could venture a guess, it's probably because of the boxes?" Brainy simply replied, looking unfazed and walking closer to Lena.
"What boxes?"
"Yours. The hypothetical ones, remember? Kara's as well, but that I thought that was obvious too." Brainy replied. "She was a highly-stressed out nervous wreck version of herself last week as she contemplated on whether or not helping James Olsen win back your favor. Alex seemed to be getting the picture, and I thought that the situation fitted your whole situation of hypothetical boxes. I'm not entirely certain, I am only venturing a guess as I have not spoken to the two about the matter. But seeing as you are as affected as Kara at the moment, I believe I am correct."
"Let me get this straight." Lena said before taking a deep breath. Her head was still throbbing, and all the thinking Brainy was making her do wasn't helping, but she wanted to at least try as the Coluan clearly was. "You're saying Kara buried her feelings for me deep down inside, shoved it inside a box and all, because, like me when I don't want to think about something I bury it, all my feelings, inside a box?"
"Yes." Brainy simply replied, pulling a seat next to Lena. "And like Kara, you did the exact same thing with your feelings."
"I…" Lena replied, completely caught unaware of any of this. "I never said…"
Brainy took a deep breath and cut her short. "Ms. Luthor, you are aware that I am for the future, correct? And while I try to always choose the best course of action that I can make here in the past that would not unsettle the intricate balance of time – granted, I know we travelled back in time to stop a calamity and that defeats the purpose I decided to take to not further unsettle it – I do know certain things."
"So you're saying that in the future Kara and I are an item?" Lena replied, her tone laced with sarcasm.
"Not that you need to concern yourself with the future, especially the 30th century, but… well… let's just say that from what I've heard, Kara was the definition of slow in realizing the truth in front of her." Brainy replied. "I wouldn't know about how fast you would've gotten over your blindness what with your boxes and all, but, Ms. Luthor, what I do know is what I can see right in front of me is a truth that is undeniable. I believe that the way you look at each other, your stolen glances, how you to know each other so well that you can easily communicate without the need for words… I believe that's what people call love."
Lena was speechless for a minute or two, before trying to change the topic, not entirely ready to confront that truth just yet, much less have anyone else see it to be the obvious thing.
"That… that doesn't excuse the fact that she hid the truth for me, about her being Supergirl."
"Ah…" Brainy then replied, this time he was the one caught unaware. "I didn't know you knew that one already. She told you, I assume?"
"She showed me more than tell." Lena grumbled.
"I don't suppose this happened during yesterday's incident?" Brainy asked.
"Does it matter when?"
"I suppose you're right, it does not." Brainy then replied. "However, you shouldn't really hold that above her. You did know already."
Lena looked taken aback by the comment. "I most certainly did not!"
"Boxes, Ms. Luthor, boxes." Brainy then pointed out.
Lena tried to come up with a counterpoint but Brainy didn't give her the chance. "A part of you knew, don't deny it. Kara is a terrible liar, and it wouldn't surprise me if she slipped a few times too and came up with the worst possible excuse. But you saw past that, bought it up, and believed it to be true. For as long as you saw them as two separate entities, you can entrust Kara with your heart, go on living under the lie of the two of you just being best friends, and simply be Lena. With Supergirl came the baggage of being a Luthor because of your inherited histories, it doesn't have to be the case but it is. For as long as you believed them to be different people, you don't risk losing Kara as Kara Danvers, whatever happens to your relationship with Supergirl. You were protecting yourself and that relationship too. As for Kara, knowing who she is, she would have wanted to protect you from the burden of knowing the truth. She wouldn't want your life to be in any more danger than it is now. Although, she nearly risked her identity once, did you know? All thanks to you."
"What do you mean?" Lena pressed on, Brainy having caught her curiosity on the matter.
"Last year, when you were poisoned. She flew you from CatCo to the DEO in a matter of seconds. With all her speed, she didn't even spare a femtosecond to change into her suit." Brainy explained and Lena looked at him dumbfounded.
"That… that still doesn't mean I forgive her for the lies."
"Lies that kept you safe?" Brainy then pressed on. "Ms. Luthor, by no means do I assume that Kara is perfect. But she did what she did not because she didn't trust you, if this is what the root of your anger is all about. It's because she cared about you and valued your life that much. And don't go forgetting that you knew about the secret too. You have your fair share in this."
"That's pure conjecture." Lena argued.
"For all your genius, you are completely blind to your heart. Why else would you build a suit that can protect Supergirl from all forms of kryptonite exposure immediately after your fight with her regarding kryptonite?"
"I… how did you know I started then?"
"The technology you created couldn't have happened overnight. It needed weeks at least, if not a few months, if you wanted it to be perfect and as flawless as it could be." Brainy pointed out.
Lena looked at him astounded, confronted by a different type of truth.
A truth she didn't even realize was one.
"I see that opening the boxes is a painful process, I have intruded enough. I do remind you, Ms. Luthor, Lena, that once opened, I don't think it would be possible to close it again and shove it back in. At the very least, it is unwise to do so." Brainy said as he stood up and turned to leave.
"Brainy…" Lena called back. The Coluan turned to acknowledge her, a question in his eyes as to why she stopped him. "Make sure she gets through the day okay."
Brainy smiled lightly. "I don't think I'm the one best equipped at handling that situation, but I will make sure that Agent Danvers knows her sister needs her." he replied before leaving.
After that interaction, Lena cleared her kitchen counter, took a cold shower and busied herself. She had a lot of things to process, and she allowed herself to do so in between the little work she decided to do at home, taking her own form of baby steps.
She was still at a loss with what to do or how to even proceed, she just knew that she felt lighter with her talk with Brainy. She wasn't as angry as she had wanted to be although there was still a bit of hurt left lingering in her chest. A part of her still blamed Kara for trying to deceive her, the other part argued that the hurt was caused by her own stubborn pride and bruised ego for doing exactly what Brainy had deduced.
She chose to see the glasses and the pastel colors instead of the cape and the crest underneath the clothes.
She chose to see the humble reporter instead of the Girl of Steel.
She chose to ignore the otherworldly blue of Kara's eyes and focused on every other detail that made her human.
Lena was pretty much left alone for the rest of the day. It wasn't until evening came that she heard another soft thud on her balcony. Her heart leapt with joy despite her mind chastising herself for it, arguing that things couldn't be that simple.
In a way, it wasn't. Lena found herself disappointed when the well-known crest she saw on her balcony did not belong to Supergirl but instead belonged to Superman. She reluctantly walked up to open the doors and let him in. "You can save the threats, I'm not going to reveal her identity to the world. I most definitely won't say a thing to my family." she said as she let him in.
"That's not why I'm here. I have no worries about that at all." Superman said in an unreadable tone.
"A Super trusting a Luthor?" Lena threw back.
"Ah, well, I learned from my cousin and from what I know, she's better than me in all ways possible. Both as a human and as a Kryptonian."
"Then why are you here?" Lena asked, crossing her arms across her chest and doing her best to be civil with Superman. It's not that she hated him, she just wasn't exactly sure where any of this was going. Her interactions with the Super since moving to National City were minimal, and the ones before that were all absolutely terrible considering all of what Lex had done.
"Because my cousin's a mess, and I could imagine you too." he replied with a genuinely worried tone.
Lena took a deep breath. "That doesn't concern you."
"It kind of does." Superman then said, looking at her rather apologetic. "I feel like if your brother and I… if we didn't take the paths we took, or perhaps if we never met, then maybe you and Kara wouldn't be suffering as much." he went on to say.
"That's… that's honestly more of an apology than I'll ever get from my brother." Lena truthfully replied not knowing what else to say.
"I just figured, if Kara was torn up about this, then so would you. Kara didn't have to live through what I went through with Lex having grown up with the Danvers, but you did. Before she decided to let you know, she came and talked to me, not to ask my permission for anything but to essentially – and in the most polite way possible – tell me to buzz off. She was going to tell you no matter what and I should deal with it. The truth about her, and how she felt about you. I figured if she was concerned about the history your brother and I have, then so will you. Perhaps, you even more."
"And you're here to tell me…?" Lena asked him, still wanting to know what the core purpose of this visit was.
"I don't know the extent of what you feel for Kara, I can't assume to know anything. But I do know you care about her. I just want to make sure whatever you decide, you make a decision from your heart and not from the baggage that shouldn't be yours to carry." Superman replied. "Close to a month ago, the world was in peril. Multiple earths to be exact. Kara, she… she was almost certainly going to die if she attempted to do what she needed to so to save the world. With that knowledge, she did it anyways. She defied destiny itself in her selflessness because… What kind of world would she live in? What kind of world would she leave behind for the people she loved, if she doesn't know how to make the sacrifice? She defied destiny because that's just who Kara is. She believes that you don't like the options, you can write your own destiny. So I guess, I guess the reason why I'm here is because I want you to know and understand that too. Defy destiny Lena Luthor, create your own. No matter what it is that happens next between you and Kara, let it live in the light of your own."
Lena smiled and nodded, she understood what he was saying.
That it wasn't his place to know or find out first about how she felt for Kara, but that no matter what, she shouldn't let the past that had nothing to with them directly influence the course of their lives.
That whatever happens next, it happens between just Lena and just Kara.
"Thank you." Lena found herself saying, suppressing a sob that was threatening to break free. She wasn't going to cry in front of Superman, no. She wasn't going to let herself be vulnerable in front of him.
But his visit did help clear the cobwebs and the storm that had been brewing deep inside of her, allowing her to listen to her heart.
Who knew opening some of her boxes could make feel free for once in her life?
A/N Pt2: Ah, this fic is finishing! Sorry for the delays, I wanted to finish it by xmas but that didn't pan out. I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless. Up next, the heartwarming conclusion to our story! :D That said, I'll have chapter 10 up around Wednesday if not Thursday!