Courage Is A Woman
"When times are tough, we need tough dreams. But real dreams, not lies." – The Fall
Chapter 5. Dreams
For the first time in a long time Stella Gibson felt truly safe. Next to her, on her hotel room floor, Dana Scully was finishing her glass of wine – clearly unsure of how to proceed and covering it by drinking – but there was no tension in the air. No expectations, no demands, no threats hidden or otherwise. 'Can you stay?' Stella whispered to Dana. She knew it wasn't a question of 'can you', because really until tomorrow morning Dana had nowhere else to be, but Stella wasn't sure she would be able to take that step and spend the night, no matter how innocent her intentions might be.
Dana had expected the question, or maybe she hadn't expected a question at all – a part of her had already decided where her night would be spent. 'Yes,' she replied quietly. Releasing Stella's hand she stood up to put her wine glass back on the tray table in the corner. Her joints cracked from being in the same position on the floor for a while and Dana sighed. 'Let's move to the bed,' Stella said and Dana raised an eyebrow at her. 'To sleep,' Stella clarified, but she couldn't help the smile that played across her features.
There was a moment of sweet awkwardness when Stella took off her fluffy socks and sat up in the bed, throwing the covers back for Dana to join her. 'Sorry,' Scully apologized for her hesitancy, 'I don't really know what I'm doing.' 'That's okay,' Stella said. 'Come here.' Scully nodded, removed her sneakers, socks and leggings and climbed onto the mattress. As Scully joined Stella in the bed she turned her body, sliding down to lie next to her under the covers. Propping her head up on one hand, elbow on the pillow, Stella tried to reassure Dana. The vulnerability and curiosity on Scully's face was quickly melting her heart and all she wanted to do at that moment was hold her in her arms and fall asleep listening to Dana's breathing. She knew she'd probably have a nightmare and she dreaded the moment when Dana would ask for an explanation but she felt like maybe she'd be able to deal with it. 'I really enjoyed your company,' she said to Dana, who was lying next to her facing Stella. Scully nodded. 'Me too.' Stella could see that something was going on in Dana's head, and she decided to let it work itself out instead of pushing her. Dana was brave enough to ask any questions she wanted and at the same time Stella was intrigued by the process. There was a hint of feigned bravery clouding Dana's eyes when she finally met Stella's.
'What are we doing?' Scully said softly, and it was a question she'd asked before. 'We don't even know each other.' Stella reached out her hand to lie on Dana's arm through the blanket. 'I know enough about you to know that there is a story there. I'm interested in stories. I just don't usually take the time to look for them.' Scully smiled sadly, knowing Stella was right. She felt the same way. 'I'm in a relationship, and this has no possible future,' she stated. 'Exactly,' Stella said softly, withdrawing her hand before lying down on her back facing the ceiling. 'That's why it's happening.' Dana felt the truth of that statement down in her belly. She sighed deeply and moved a little closer to Stella, not wanting to invade her personal space but she had a feeling it would be okay. Soon, Stella's hand found hers and they held each other under the covers, meeting in the middle, in that gray area between giving up and giving in. Soon enough Stella was asleep and Scully was moved by the trust Stella showed her. She thought about their kiss, and the quiet joining of souls that had followed on the hotel room carpet, and Scully knew that Stella was right: It didn't matter whether it was right or wrong, not today. They had such an easy connection and they owed it to themselves to explore it, wherever it might lead. She found Stella attractive, no doubt about it, but the sensation was completely new to her. It felt like she almost had to allow herself to look, to give herself permission to enjoy another woman. The feeling of a female hand in hers, a smaller and softer body in the bed next to her made her feel a little strange – tentatively excited and slightly daring. Carefully as not to disturb Stella she robbed a little closer thinking she could always blame it on sleep if Stella were to question her, but she also knew instinctively that there would be no explanation necessary.
Behind Stella's blond hair Scully could make out the colors that were painted across the night sky, and the dancing hues were relaxing and soothing. She might be in unfamiliar territory, but she was completely in control and she felt utterly safe. Also, she felt appreciated and heard, two things she realized had been missing between Mulder and her lately. Mulder, she thought for a second – she'd never checked her messages before coming to Stella's room. The feeling of guilt that had stunned her before returned momentarily but it quickly faded again – even in their daily life they had recently had times where they barely spoke. Even if he had sent her a text he could do without her for a few hours. He had been subconsciously showing her that for years.
"I'm glad you're here, Stella.'
A voice penetrated the thick air, and inside Stella felt a panic envelop her. She wasn't in control of her body although she could see through her eyes and hear everything that was going on – but she wasn't able to connect brain to body and control her movements. Helplessly she watched as she witnessed herself walking naked towards a bed, a bed where a familiar voice was calling from. 'Come here,' it said. 'I know you want to.' She felt anguished, her inside screaming at her limbs to stop moving, to stop giving in to the voice. There was someone on the bed, and even though he was facing away from her she knew who it was. She wished she had the power to close her eyes, to stop them from playing this terrible film to her but even that had been taken away from her, so she was just a passenger inside her body while it approached its inevitable end. She knew he would kill her. She knew she would witness her own death. She'd been here before, in this hotel room, in his presence but there was nothing she could do about it. She saw her feet move, one in front of the other, her body swaying, tempting, seducing even. 'That's it,' the voice said softly. 'I want to see you.' Slowly the vessel that was her body made its way around the bed, to the other side, where he was waiting for her. He hadn't moved, he never did – letting her come to him was a form of control he wouldn't give up.
She watched helplessly as he stood up, already naked as well, and started roaming his eyes over her body. She felt sick under his scrutiny, wanted to run from this room and destroy her dream but she couldn't. All she could do was feel how his hands slowly came to her sides, moving up, up, up to her breasts and she had to watch as he slowly started touching her. She had dreamt of his touch before, and it had been relaxing at first – before reality slowly sank in. However, this time there was no relaxation, no escape from the thing that frightened her the most – she was in mortal danger and there was no way in which she could control the outcome. She was completely and utterly at the mercy of a serial killer.
Mortified she watched as his hands followed a path upwards, along her breasts, collarbone, and up her neck. They stopped there for a second, his thumbs caressing the underside of her ears. Strangely she felt the need to lean into his touch, it didn't necessarily feel good, but it triggered something inside of her. Soon enough that feeling was eradicated by his fingers tightening, constricting, strangling her. He was controlling her intake of air, she knew on impulse, and by doing so he was completely at liberty to do with her whatever he wanted – would he choose to let her live or would he watch sadistically as he squeezed the last drop of life out of her? Stella felt herself slip away, dark edges forming around her view of her murderer. She tried to scream and realized she had already been trying that for as long as she could remember – no sound came out, no impulse was being transferred through her brain – it was useless. She was going to die.
'No!'
Suddenly, Stella sat up, gasping for air. The single word she had been able to yell had woken her from her dream, and it took her a moment to realize she was in a different hotel room – with a different body next to her. Catching her breath she almost did not dare to look next to her, to where Dana was lying – had she woken her? Was this the moment she'd been dreading yesterday?
Glancing over to her left she met two fierce blue eyes as Dana sat up in bed, having woken up with Stella and still being slightly confused about where she was. 'You're okay,' she said on instinct, knowing that Stella had probably had a bad dream. 'Just a dream.' Stella nodded, slightly embarrassed. 'I know, I'm sorry I woke you.' She reached for her dream journal to write down her recollections, and Dana watched with interest. 'What are you doing?' she asked carefully. Stella blinked quietly, not meeting her eyes but jotting down words and phrases on a blank page in her journal. 'Writing down what I can remember. I started doing it as an investigative source years ago, writing down things that came to me in my sleep. Now I can't stop, even though I don't know if I want to remember it all.' She sighed. 'Maybe I should just stop doing it.' 'I think you're doing it for a reason,' Scully said. 'It must be doing something for you to still be using it.' Especially after Spector had her previous diary violated, Stella thought, but she knew Dana had no idea. 'It helps me find some peace,' she said quietly. 'It keeps me grounded.' Scully reached out and touched Stella's shoulder. 'You're right here, and you're okay.' Stella finally looked at her and a faint smile appeared around her lips. 'I know,' she said. 'So are you.' They searched each other's eyes for a few seconds, both processing the feelings that were quietly coursing between them. Stella sat up a little further against the headboard and moved in closer to Scully's body, carefully watching her reaction. Scully's eyes followed her every move and Stella's closeness sent a shiver down her spine. 'Come here,' Stella said as she regarded Scully with the serene intensity Scully had come to recognize. She moved slowly, sitting up and turning so she was facing Stella. Carefully she moved under the blanket to straddle Stella's legs, her hands coming in to gingerly touch Stella's jawline. Stella didn't move, she just let Scully look at her, investigate her. Slowly Scully moved in, robbing a few inches closer to Stella's body before pulling her in for a kiss. Stella's hands landed on Dana's hips, pulling Dana's form into her body as she slowly but confidently kissed her. Scully felt Stella's tongue on her bottom lip before it came to duel with her own, and she released a huff of air she hadn't realized she'd been holding. Stella smiled into the kiss. It gave her the reassurance that it was okay to keep going, as apparently Dana was enjoying this as much as she was. Carefully she let her hands find the hem of Dana's sleep top and play under the rim. She softly skimmed her ribs, causing the muscles underneath Dana's skin to tense. Stella pulled back a little, breaking the intimate dance of their lips to make sure Dana was okay. She didn't know why but she needed to know that this was what she wanted, she didn't want to break their still new friendship and trust by going too far. Right now, this wasn't just about Stella.
Dana felt Stella's hands play on the lines of her ribcage, careful but steady and it sent a tingle all the way up Dana's body until her neck hairs stood on end. It caused a ripple of pleasure to rebound, and like the butterfly effect, the feeling got more intense as it went on. She was momentarily surprised when Stella broke the kiss, her hands still on Dana's skin, but as soon as Scully met Stella's eyes she knew they were far from finished. The unasked question was clearly visible in Stella's eyes, and Dana felt her heart expand and open itself for this woman – this woman who was so loving, giving and trusting towards her, even though Dana had a feeling that was something Stella reserved for a special few. In an attempt to answer Dana clasped Stella's hands in hers, slowly moving them upwards. She was a little nervous, afraid she would be rejected somehow, but as their hands moved Scully's shirt up and over her head all her fears fell to the floor wrapped in the soft fabric of her sleep top. Dana let Stella's hands find their own way back as she felt a little emboldened, kissing the blonde with a fierce answer to the question that was still hanging in the air. 'I'm okay,' she emphasized before pulling Stella closer into her. 'I'm not going anywhere.' Stella pushed herself up a little more, moving her lips down Scully's neck when she had the chance. She momentarily buried her nose in Scully's red hair in an attempt to hide her emotional reaction to the situation, but she was unsuccessful as she felt Scully squeeze her upper arms. They didn't address it further, both accepting it for what it was: An intimate encounter that did something to them. Something they hadn't felt being done to them in a long time.
Stella pulled her own top over her head before moving away from Scully, asking her to switch positions. Scully complied, and Stella threw her leg over Dana's thighs. Dana's hands tentatively started their path up to Stella's bralette, the pale gray color having fascinated her from the moment she laid her eyes on it earlier that evening, before Stella had put on her T-shirt to cover it. Carefully she touched the lace sides and watched as Stella sat perfectly still. Now that she was on top Stella felt a little more in control, although she had to admit that it wasn't as important anymore. She watched in fascination as Dana moved her hands up Stella's sides, around her back, and finally back to cup her breasts. Stella sighed on a smile, cupping Dana's hands to encourage her and show her that she wouldn't break. Dana was intrigued, of course she'd seen hundreds of female bodies in her line of work but to touch one, to touch Stella as freely and intimately as she was doing was something completely out of her frame of reference. She was surprised by the feelings it created in her as a soft weight settled in her tummy; it was a combination of pleasure, anticipation, desire and care. She cared for Stella a great deal already, and somehow this felt precious.
Slowly Dana learned the lines and forms of Stella's body, dropping her lips to the curve of her shoulder before finding a path back up to kiss her. She wanted Stella to touch her as well, but Stella's initial hesitation and careful approach told Dana that she was waiting for an okay. As Dana released Stella, her hands coming to rest on Stella's hips, she laid back against the headboard. 'Take it off,' she whispered, indicating her bra with a slight nod down to where Stella's eyes had wandered. Stella smiled and from her superior position she reached out to trace the straps on Scully's shoulders. 'It looks good on you,' Stella complimented Scully's choice of the dark green, lace, non-padded top. It suited her skin hair color incredibly well and Stella thought the color made her eyes sparkle with life even more. 'Thanks,' Scully replied a little shyly. Stella's fingers moved the bra straps down while their eyes never lost contact. Scully shivered at Stella's intentions, her fingers leaving no doubt in Scully's mind as to what Stella was about to do – she had, after all, just asked for it. Stella leaned in close, taking Dana's bottom lip between her own and kissing her fiercely. As their tongues met in between, Dana arched her back towards Stella. It gave her all the access she needed to swiftly but surely draw her hand across Dana's back and flick open her bra in one quick movement. Scully smiled into the kiss as their excitement grew – she was getting a little impatient. Staring at and touching Stella was slowly getting to her, she had been feeling her body react to their contact and she was sure Stella wasn't unfazed as well. The bra dropped away from her and Stella removed it completely, throwing it down next to the bed. Breaking the kiss Scully leaned her head back as she finally felt Stella's small, slightly cold hands on her breasts. Stella caressed the sides of her chest, lightly tracing the outlines of Dana's breasts before circling in to the center. Scully shivered at the light touch, goosebumps erupting on her skin. 'You're being so careful,' she said softly, her voice wavering a little. In response, Stella's eyes sparkled before she dropped her lips to Dana's nipple, her tongue and lips circling and nibbling a little rougher than Dana had expected. She gasped in surprise and raised her hands to tangle in Stella's unruly hair, instinctively holding her close. 'Yes,' she managed, closing her eyes to focus on the feeling. Stella travelled on a wet path to Dana's other breast, feeling herself getting wetter with the noises coming from Dana. 'I want to feel your skin on mine,' she whispered before sitting back, leaving Dana naked before her from the waist up. Stella pulled her bralette over her heard, discarding it to the same fate that had befallen Dana's bra, and looking down at the woman before her she stopped for a second. She followed Scully's eyes, feeling comfortable under her scrutiny and eager to continue their coming together of souls. Without saying a word Dana sat up a little more and closed the distance between them, feeling her breasts press against Stella's. Stella, emboldened by Dana's actions, moved one hand to Dana's cheek while the other slid dangerously close to Dana's inner thigh. Cheek to cheek they stayed while they explored each other's bodies, breathing into each other's hair, Dana feeling and mapping every inch of Stella's ivory skin. Stella was still wearing her pajama bottoms and Dana's fingers quickly found the waistline, but before she could move further Stella stopped her by dipping her own fingers down Scully's thighs. She lightly scratched her nails up the sensitive skin, following an intimate path up to her lower belly. Scully's legs were held together by Stella's, and they shuffled a bit until Stella was sat on her knees over one of Dana's legs, the other standing up bent at the knee. Their eyes met again as a form of confirmation, and Stella saw straight into Dana's soul. 'Yes,' Dana breathed again and Stella kept watching her intently as she slowly moved her fingers into Dana's dark, lace rimmed panties. She watched her muscles tense under the light touch, she watched how Dana's brow furrowed in anticipation and how her eyes fell closed as her head tipped back. Stella took the opportunity to lean in close again, her free hand coming around the base of Dana's neck to pull her close. She kissed up her neck to her hairline, finally coming back to her slightly reddened lips again. Dana's hands found their way to Stella's pajama bottoms again, but Stella stopped her. 'They stay on,' she whispered, and Scully didn't question it. She disregarded the waistband and instead followed the curve of Stella's waist up to her breasts again.
Scully had always liked the feeling of her own breasts. She was happy with them, and she liked touching them. Touching Stella's breasts, however, was something else entirely. She tried to concentrate on the differences, a little heavier, a little firmer – as Stella's hand continued its journey into her panties. Sighing, she gave up on her own expedition and one of her hands came to lie on Stella's. 'Show me what you like,' Stella said softly. Scully grabbed the sheets with her free hand, her feet pushing her body closer to Stella. Stella moved to sit between Scully's legs, giving her better access. She carefully avoided Dana's clit as her fingers explored her outer folds and inner thighs. Dana was wet with anticipation and Stella smiled at the discovery as she slowly started following Dana's lead. Scully directed Stella's fingers, circling where she liked it the most before dipping down into her wetness. 'Oh God,' Scully whispered, and Stella quickly learned what gave her pleasure. Scully gave up on directing Stella – she seemed to be doing a fine job on her own as it was hard to focus on anything but her hand – and grabbed her hair again when she felt Stella's breath close to her navel. Stella explored the skin there with her lips, kissing up to the underside of Scully's breasts as she felt her hands in her hair keeping her close. 'More,' Scully whispered and she felt Stella's teeth on her skin. Nipping, biting, increasing the current running through her veins Stella made little marks all over Dana's alabaster skin. Her hand slowly but surely prepared Dana, spreading her wetness, and when Dana pushed her hips into Stella again she entered her with two fingers. 'Yes,' Dana gasped again, her hand almost painful in Stella's hair. She felt that Stella knew exactly what she was doing as she could already feel the effects of her touch start deep inside her belly. 'Tell me,' Stella asked again, and she watched from below as Scully laid her head back in bliss. 'Just... Right there,' Scully managed as Stella explored her inner walls. Slowly moving in and out was bound to drive Stella crazy and she hoped it would have the same effect on Scully, who was moving more and more with every stroke. 'Faster,' Scully asked almost shyly, and Stella answered by softly biting the skin under her nipple. 'Impatient,' she commented, and Scully moaned. 'You're driving me nuts.' Stella smiled into Scully's skin. 'That's the idea. Enjoy yourself.' Scully decided to give up and give in, let it happen, go with the flow. As she did, Scully felt her relax and tense at the same time – a true tell that she was closer than Stella had thought. Stella moved a little higher, her angle becoming slightly awkward. 'Touch yourself for me,' she whispered into Scully's neck. 'I want to watch you.' Dana whimpered and Stella felt her inner walls clench on her fingers as Scully started circling her clit. 'Faster,' she said again, more urgently this time. Stella withdrew her fingers before sliding a third one through her folds, only to be rewarded with another clench as she entered Dana again. 'Oh God, yes,' Dana whispered and she leaned her head into Stella's shoulder. 'I'm going to…' She didn't finish, and as her hair fell across Stella's skin and her teeth sank into her shoulder Stella felt Dana's orgasm wash over her. She went rigid for a second before ripples and ripples of tension started to ebb through her body. Stella stilled her movements inside of Dana, making sure to keep the pressure for Dana to ride out her orgasm as she watched the woman she had come to care deeply for come apart underneath her hands.
After a few moments, Dana's hand found Stella's, both of them intimately covered by Dana's panties. 'Oh my God,' Scully whispered as her orgasm had subsided. 'You're beautiful,' Stella said quietly. She felt her own arousal tingle in her toes, shivers running up her back just from looking at Scully's gorgeous disarray. Scully ignored the statement and withdrew her hand, pulling Stella to lie down next to her. 'I've never done this before,' she repeated a statement from earlier that night. Stella just regarded her silently, letting Dana make the next move – although she was very ready to feel Dana's fingers inside of her she would also accept another few hours of sleep before that happened. She had a feeling her dreams would be less unpleasant this time. Dana, however, had other ideas. 'The pants stay on?' She asked before moving up on one elbow. Stella nodded. 'For now.' Dana kissed her, a little harder than before, sucking Stella's bottom lip between her own. As she pulled her closer with her free arm she rolled her upper body over Stella's. She bit her lip softly before releasing her again, eager to taste Stella's skin. As Scully moved down a path towards Stella's nipples, the blonde's hands came to Scully's back, her nails undoubtedly leaving marks. Scully traced Stella's nipple with her tongue, remembering what she liked herself – everyone was different, but she'd liked what Stella had done to her, a lot. Beneath her, Stella shivered slightly at the touch, and Dana increased the pressure a little encircling Stella's nipple with her lips. Slowly she journeyed from Stella's right breast across her sternum to the left while her left hand slipped under Stella's waistband. She didn't know why Stella didn't feel comfortable removing her pants – and she didn't care. Everyone has insecurities, she thought, Stella was entitled to hers. As her hands encountered Stella's center for the first time she raised her head to look at Stella's face. Softly, she caressed the shaven skin until she reached the softness of her inner thighs. 'Go on,' Stella encouraged her, one hand coming to lie on Scully's cheek as the other slid into her hair. She spread her legs a little and Scully changed her angle so she had better access. Her lips had travelled up and landed on Stella's neck, close to her pulse and she could feel it beating wildly through their intimate proximity. As her fingers carefully explored Stella's folds she could feel her grip tighten, and Scully reveled in Stella's direct and open responses. 'Slowly,' Stella managed, and Scully complied – dragging her fingers along Stella's most private parts before tentatively dipping in to find her opening. 'Yes,' Stella breathed and her hips pushed up to force the contact. Scully smiled into Stella's neck. 'Now who's impatient?' She heard Stella's chuckle turn into a moan as she chose that exact moment to enter her with one single finger. She'd never experienced this before, and the clenching of Stella's inner muscles felt surprisingly erotic. Scully added a second finger, moving her face back a little to look at Stella who was laying back, her eyes closed. Her hair was fanned out across the pillow and the outside lights were reflecting off her shiny chest, still slightly damp from Scully's lips and tongue. The sight was utterly erotic and Scully wanted to share the moment with the woman underneath her. She withdrew her fingers but kept them slowly circling Stella's clit. 'Open your eyes, Stella, look,' she said and Stella met hers eyes instantly.
Of course there was no way Stella could see exactly what Scully saw, but somehow, in their connection and trough looking into Scully's eyes she saw a truth. Something that touched her deeply and moved both her and Scully to a wordless understanding. 'You're the beautiful one,' Scully said very quietly, almost too quiet to be meant for Stella to hear.
Stella kept her eyes on Dana, focusing on the pleasure running through her. Steadily she moved one hand over Dana's, just like Scully had done before, and directed her to where she wanted her most. 'I need you inside of me,' she said, and Dana thought for a second how it didn't sound strange at all to say that to a woman. More confidently than before she moved her fingers through Stella's folds before circling her clit once more. Stella's hand was already assisting her, moving her wrist at the right pace for her to see stars. Scully felt something she'd never felt before – another woman's inner walls clench and tighten around her fingers, and she knew Stella was close. 'I want to see you come,' she said confidently and resolutely. 'Come on, Stella.' Her fingers pumped in and out at Stella's pace, and soon Stella's hands fell away and a deep breathless moan started from inside Stella's chest. 'Yes,' Dana encouraged her and captured her lips in an intense kiss. Her movement changed her angle slightly and Stella grabbed the back of her head as she felt her orgasm wash over her the instant Scully hit the right spot. 'Oh fuck,' she moaned into Dana's mouth as the waves of pleasure coursed through her from Dana's lips on hers to the tips of her toes curled up on the bed. Dana felt Stella's walls grab her fingers as a rush of warmth and wetness surrounded her. She stayed close to Stella, changing her pace to slow movements as Stella slowly but surely rode out the final waves of her orgasm.
After a few moments Dana's movements stilled and she withdrew from Stella's pajama pants. They didn't say anything for a few minutes, both content to be in each other's presence while trying to accept and not over-analyze what had just happened. Stella knew it had been a long, very long time since she had ever felt this way about anyone – if she'd been falling for Scully before, she was head over heels by now. It scared the shit out of her because she was completely unfamiliar and uncomfortable with the level of intimacy she felt at the moment, but she decided to enjoy it while it lasted – they were in New York, after all. This would not last.
Dana tried to be as in tune with Stella as possible, to enjoy every second as much as she could. Being overly sensitive anyway she felt extra vulnerable right now, but it didn't bother her until she felt Stella slowly trying to distance herself. Not physically, they were still lying next to each other, their hands entwined on Stella's tummy as Dana's lips had landed on Stella's shoulder, but mentally Stella was slowly moving away. 'Don't,' Scully whispered as soon as she identified the feeling. 'Stay right here.' 'We're in New York,' Stella stated sadly. 'This is a dream. I don't need a dream right now.' Scully moved back a little to prop her head up on her elbow, watching Stella intently. 'Didn't you say that's why it was happening?' she questioned. Stella turned to look her in the eye. 'Maybe I was wrong.' 'I don't think so,' Scully said. 'If it's a dream, it's a very real one.' Stella chuckled, remembering something she had said a while ago. 'Tough dreams,' she whispered. Scully didn't comment but came to lie down next to Stella. After a few moments of quiet she rolled away to shuffle out of her panties. 'Is this okay?' Stella nodded. 'Of course.' Scully was now naked in bed next to her and the feeling of warmth was slowly spreading through Stella's limbs again. Why was she fighting this kind of ultimate peace?
Scully pulled the blanket back over them and wanted to turn towards Stella to hold her, or kiss her, but Stella turned away. Throwing back the corner of the blanket she got out of bed and as she turned her back to Scully Stella continued to remove her pajama pants and panties in one movement. Scully watched quietly, feeling that this was important somehow. She didn't look at Stella's legs but kept her eyes on the curve of Stella's spine. Once she was naked Stella walked up to the window and closed the see-through curtains. As she turned back to Scully she was glad to see Scully meeting her eyes instead of watching what she'd been afraid to reveal – the scars that were faint, but visible and tangible and would always be a part of her on her inner thighs. They were from a lifetime ago, but somehow they revealed more than she'd been willing to confront a few minutes ago. She didn't know what had changed – all she knew was that showing Dana didn't seem so unimaginable anymore. Dana kept her eyes on Stella's the entire time, quietly supporting her in what seemed like a big step towards her recovery from the Belfast case. As Stella got back into bed Scully caught a glimpse of Stella's scars – cuts, probably self-inflicted, the doctor in her immediately thought – but she decided to leave that conversation for later. Stella would tell her when she was ready, when she felt strong enough.
Stella pulled the cover back over their bodies and pulled Dana close to kiss her fiercely. 'Thank you,' she whispered softly and Dana smiled at her – a quiet, confident smile Stella recognized from herself. 'Sleep well,' Dana wished before settling next to Stella on the pillows. Stella nodded and found Scully's hand to entwine their fingers again – she had a feeling Dana would keep her grounded for the rest of the night. 'You too,' she said before turning onto her back again.
The only quiet sounds in the room were the sounds of two women breathing, their hearts slowly synchronizing as their brains were trying to process what had just happened. Both of them were aware of it, although neither had addressed it – they hadn't just had sex. It hadn't been elaborate, but it had been good and sweet and intense and everything they had needed to let go of their fears. For Stella it was the fear of normalcy, fear of losing control to a life of dependence, the fear of being lived. For Scully it was a much more specific fear: What did a life without Mulder look like? Did that even exist, was it a possibility? Did she want that to happen? Had she caused it to inevitably happen? Scully had fought half of her life to be with this man, this wonderful man that she'd just betrayed in the worst way possible. There was no way that he deserved this. But did she? What if she deserved this, this unthinkable kind of relationship, this je-ne-sais-quoi form of happiness?
There was no way around it – they were just seeing the tip of the iceberg, just the tiniest part of what would become their relationship if they chose to pursue this. Both knew without a doubt that they were falling deeply, strangely and completely in love with one another although they would deny it if asked about their true feelings. The protective walls that had been surrounding both of them hadn't crumbled exactly, they had just... Moved a little. Extended, to surround both of them, to protect them from the outside world.
New York would keep them safe. For now.