Author's Note: This entire story is based on one piece of music, Yiruma's 'Passing By' (as played by Jeroen van Veen). I'd love to know what you think of the story so far as I'm feeling a little insecure (although I am thoroughly enjoying writing this). Constructive criticism is very welcome.
Courage Is A Woman
"…You will learn the truth is not found in science or on some unseen plane, but by looking into your own heart, and in that moment you will be blessed, and stricken. For the truest truths are what hold us together, or what keep us painfully, desperately, apart."
Chapter 6. Passing By
For the second time that night Scully felt Stella slip away and succumb to sleep next to her. This time, however, she was a changed woman – different from before. For the fourth time that night her mind wandered to the man whom she'd fought for, the man she'd still happily die for if it saved him. Something deep inside of her wanted to call him, talk to him, needed his reassurance, but another part of her wanted to stay hidden here in New York for the rest of her life. For the first time tonight she took a moment to think about how she really felt. It was dangerous, and she had to be careful in analyzing her emotions – but in the end she could only conclude that even though it felt strange and new, she felt good. Safe, confident, at ease and protective and as she thought about it she remembered something she'd written long ago.
Chance meeting your perfect other, your perfect opposite, your protector, and endangerer. Chance embarking with this other on the greatest of journeys, a search for truths fugitive and imponderable.
She had always believed that there was only the one for her, only that one man who was her perfect opposite and in that, her soulmate. She barely knew Stella, really, but still her mind had chosen this exact moment to remind her of how absolute her feelings already were – while Stella was naked next to her, her soft, small hand lying unconsciously in Dana's. This certainly was an imponderable truth as she was now faced with two loves, one even more unlikely than the other. One even more doomed to fail, although she didn't know which one that would be. Quietly she turned towards Stella and shuffled a little closer, holding their clasped hands up to her lips. The movement caused Stella to sigh deeply and turn her head towards Scully. Sinking into a deep sleep she looked beautiful, Scully thought – one of her blond locks had fallen across her still faintly blushed cheek and her lips were only slightly parted. Scully smiled to herself, softly kissing Stella's hand before closing her eyes. Whatever the future would hold, she had a couple of days left in New York and she owed it to herself to not worry too much right now. Stella had come into her life when she had needed her to, even though it seemed highly problematic – Scully knew she was here for a reason, Mulder had taught her that. Tomorrow would be a fairly normal day for her working at the conference and she hoped it would help her bring things into perspective. Opening one eye she peeked at the alarm clock on Stella's bedside table before lying back down – 02:16, they'd still get some decent sleep – and she closed her eyes for the millionth time that night.
Stella was the first one to open her eyes the next morning. However, in that moment after waking and before full consciousness, she had one thought that would stay with her for the rest of the day – this is perfect. Everything seemed to stop for a second and she had a moment to just revel in the moment, feeling warm, relaxed and happy. As she woke up more she felt Scully's lips against her hand, and looking over to her left she saw their hands – relaxed in sleep, but still together – close to the beautiful redhead's face. Scully's hair looked darker than it had before, fiery and soft, and her face seemed happy and content. Stella took a few seconds to observe her bedpartner, something she never really did – most of the time there was some kind of regret or doubts in her mind that kept her from enjoying this peaceful moment, but not today. There were doubts, of course, but none of them seemed insurmountable and all her questions seemed to have answers here. She felt good, until her mind started to sum up all the reasons why this was bound to fail – Dana Scully was a US agent, living and working here. She was in a relationship, one that had been going on for half her life. This was the first relationship Dana was starting with a woman, and the first new relationship in decades. She herself hadn't had a meaningful relationship of any kind in a long time either. She was on a rebound after a life-altering case, she hadn't even figured out who she was post-Belfast, how was she supposed to be ready for someone else? And still, a voice in the back of her head was carefully and stubbornly optimistic – Dana Scully had caused her to feel something good again. Something precious and full, and Stella knew that that was worth fighting for. If it wasn't meant to be she'd deal with that later, but for now, she still had some time left in New York with Dana and she hoped the circumstances would allow them to make the most of it.
Carefully she disentangled her hand from Dana's, slowly and steadily as not to wake her. Sitting on the bed she remembered taking off her pants yesterday in a leap of faith, but she knew Dana had put two and two together and drawn the right conclusions. Looking at her inner thighs she swallowed – the scars were faint, but the memories of the pain were still fresh and real. Recently she had thought about ways to hurt herself again, to make herself at least feel something – and she'd found her ways, but they hadn't included physical self-harming this time. Maybe, one day, Dana would ask about the story – what would she say? Stella didn't talk about her past much, thinking it should inform the future but not interfere with it. However, maybe, one day, she'd be strong enough to tell Dana why.
Stella walked to the bathroom, grabbing some things from her wardrobe as she went. She had no idea about the time and she didn't really care, she knew the pool would probably be empty and quiet and that's just what she needed right now. She debated having a very quick shower, but she was afraid to wake Dana who was still resting peacefully – she'd shower down by the pool before getting in. As soon as she'd changed into her bathing suit and trackpants, throwing on the same T-shirt she'd worn yesterday evening, she wrote Dana a short note. As she turned to put it on her bedside table Stella spotted the file Dana had brought over yesterday. Something inside her wanted to open it, see what Dana had found out – but she knew there was only darkness waiting for her. For one day, just one day she didn't feel like dealing with that bastard. He didn't deserve her attention and pain. Stella decided then and there that, at least for this trip, Paul Spector would no longer cloud her days. He'd be a memory, but one that was no longer allowed to intervene with her emotions. She was done letting him control her like that.
She grabbed her key card and took one last look at Dana before leaving her to sleep. They would meet again before Dana had to leave, she was certain of it – it was still early and they'd agreed to meet for breakfast. That appointment was, as far as Stella was concerned, still standing. No need to change your breakfast plans just because you made love.
About twenty minutes later, as Stella was coming into a rhythm swimming laps, Dana Scully woke up in the blonde's hotel room bed to a feeling of being alone.
It didn't just have to do with the empty, still slightly warm spot beside her – it was something deeper, something that had settled in her stomach during sleep. Although she felt free, she was too much of a sceptic and realist to just accept the situation. Wishing she could talk to someone about the situation she knew she'd have to suck it up a little longer, at least until she found the right time to talk to Stella or when she gathered the bravery and courage to take it up with Mulder. In all honesty, really, she was alone. These feelings she was having, they were hers alone. She'd vowed to herself to not let anyone else inform her feelings or emotions lately and right this moment she realized how hard that really was – it meant that one's feelings were only truly one's own, and Scully realized that that was fucking scary.
'Stella?' she said questioningly. Scully had a feeling she was alone, but she hadn't heard Stella leave. She wasn't that good a sleeper so she was slightly surprised that she hadn't woken up. Quietly Scully stood from the bed, grabbing a bathrobe from a chair. She looked through the room, around the corner and in the bathroom. It was obvious that Stella had been there, her clothes were folded and put away. As Scully walked back into the main room she spotted something – a piece of paper on the table next to the file she'd brought in yesterday evening. As she picked up, her belly tingled – Stella had really made her feel something yesterday. She found herself hoping the note would be good.
Dear Dana, I've gone swimming. Meet for breakfast? - Stella. And underneath it, scribbled closely together to make it fit on the piece of paper – Forget about Belfast. We're in New York.
Dana smiled and put the piece of paper back down slowly. She walked over to the window to open the see through curtains and look out across the city. So we are, Dana thought. She just hoped Stella would take her own advice – she hadn't had another nightmare but Dana knew that this case had been incredibly hard on Stella. She was happy with the breakfast invitation, although she hoped it wouldn't be awkward. She had little experience with mornings like these and she knew that one of them would have to open up in order for the other to follow. Scully had always considered herself quite a private person but Stella seemed to be even more so, which meant Scully would have to be the first one to wear her heart on her sleeve and there was no way she was comfortable with that. However maybe, at least for this trip, she could be brave and open herself up a little. It seemed so easy in theory – if things went wrong, if she misinterpreted Stella's feelings or her own, she'd never have to see Stella again because they lived half a planet away from each other. Literally.
Scully decided to head back to her own room and get ready for the day. She had an appointment and a lecture later that day, but for now she could focus on breakfast, and Stella. She gathered her clothes and decided to take the file as well. She considered leaving her number behind but she settled for a note as well, taking the one Stella had written with her. She replaced it with a note of her own, a short one – Breakfast around 9? Come get me when you're ready. X – that would leave Stella around two hours to get ready, and leaving it on the table Scully left for her own room.
Stella came back to an empty hotel room a while later. The water had woken her up, the physical activity having warmed up her muscles and brain for the day. She felt a little calmer than she had this morning, although the unfolding events were still a jigsaw puzzle with pieces thrown all across the floor to her. At least she felt like the pieces were all there, she just needed to find a way to fit them all together. It would take some time and effort but in the end Stella knew there was a possibility of something beautiful and complete, as long as she didn't give up.
The room was unoccupied like she had expected it to be – frankly she hadn't given it that much thought, she always came back to empty hotel rooms. Even the ones that weren't empty when she left them usually were upon her return. This time however had been a deviation, and she only realized it when she stepped through the bathroom door. Dana Scully was gone and she had left a void that felt deeper than just an empty hotel room. Turning back Stella spotted the note on the table where she'd left hers a while ago. Something inside of her was scared to look at it, but she picked it up nonetheless. She glanced at it sideways, recognizing Dana's handwriting from the day before. It was prettier than her scribbling, more sophisticated in a way – the words were written with care and precision which was something she never did. Stella felt a tingly warmth spread through her as she read Dana's words to her, remembering the way they had talked yesterday and last night. They seemed to be so in tune, so understanding of each other without even really knowing each other that it should scare Stella away but it didn't. She would go to Dana's room to get her for breakfast like she'd asked, and they would spend the day doing their own separate things. Maybe they'd see each other, maybe they wouldn't, but Stella knew that neither of them would forget what they had shared. Somehow they would end up here again, together, and Stella was already looking forward to it.
Stella showered quickly, getting the chlorine smell out of her hair before blow-drying it and getting ready for the day. She opted for a skirt this time, because she'd packed a million of them and it seemed like a waste not to wear every single one of them. Pairing a dark brown faux leather skirt with a revere collared blouse, white with a black piping. It was a classic look and she liked the way it looked on her. Deciding to skip on the make-up due to expected high humidity she picked out her heels for the day and started collecting everything she'd need. There was only one lecture she had to attend today but she was planning to attend another one, just because she could – so she made sure she had a spot there before collecting her papers and leaving her room to meet Dana.
Two rooms down Scully had a much less productive morning. She checked her phone as soon as she entered her room, but the pang of disappointment she felt when she saw there were no messages threw her off track. What did she expect? What did she want? It didn't take long for Scully to realize that she really didn't know. What would she have done if Mulder had texted her one, five, twenty times? Would she have been happy, flattered, or annoyed and angry? She felt guilty already, and it was a confusing kind of guilt, but the fact that she had been worried about not answering him while he hadn't even reached out to her confused the heck out of her. It didn't justify anything, obviously – but why did it feel like it did? Scully tried to calm herself with a long shower, the warm water cascading down her body as tears slowly formed in her eyes. As they ran down her cheeks, silent sobs shook her aching body. Happiness, she'd asked herself before, what does that even look like? Was it even a reality? Last night she had thought for a moment that she knew – her connection to Stella, the feelings that they had shared and the unspoken volumes of life experience that they had somehow shared had felt real. She'd felt closer to happiness than she had in a long time, but at the same time there had been a dark undercurrent running through her brain clouding that reality. Right now, alone, in the shower she experienced the full force of those feelings – she didn't regret anything, by no means. But by no means was she happy right now and that scared her maybe more than anything else, for it meant that even though she'd tried to let go, nothing had changed.
However when she heard the knock on her door at exactly 0900 Scully was ready for the day. Her dark gray suit looked expensive, her hair was slightly curly from her shower and her face betrayed nothing of the turmoil raging within her as she opened the door to reveal Stella. 'Good morning,' she stated, and it came off more formal than she'd wanted. 'Come in,' she added softly before stepping aside. Stella noticed how Dana didn't immediately meet her eyes but averted them to look her over before focusing on collecting some papers. 'Hey,' Stella said carefully, stepping in to stop Scully from avoiding her. 'Good morning,' she added just as softly as Dana had before putting a hand on Dana's arm. 'Are you okay?' The concern that Dana heard almost broke her again as she felt it down to her core. She wasn't okay, but it wasn't Stella's fault – if only those words were as easy to say as they were to think. Straightening her shoulders she finally met Stella's eyes. 'Yes,' she said confidently. 'Sorry, I didn't mean to be evasive.' Stella nodded and released her. 'I left you first. I understand.' Dana shook her head softly. 'No, that's not it. I just... I'm struggling with what this means and I don't want to define it.' Stella smiled softly, sitting down on Dana's bed next to the disorganized mess of papers that was still waiting to be put into folders. 'It's us, and we don't need to define it. Either go with the flow or don't.' She didn't mean to be rude but she needed to be frank. 'Let's have breakfast and just enjoy our time in New York, it doesn't need to be more than that right now,' she added as she watched how Dana seemed to accept her statement. 'Okay,' Dana said and Stella stood up from the bed, gathering the papers to hand them to Dana. As she turned towards Dana the redhead stepped a little closer. Stella put out her hands with the papers for Dana to take. 'Here,' she said, but watched with a curious smile how Dana put her hands over Stella's. 'Thanks,' Scully said softly before stepping in and carefully kissing Stella on the lips.
Stella was amazed for a second before she realized what Dana was doing. She dropped the papers, smiling into the kiss as she touched her hands to the sides of Dana's face while the papers snowed down between them. Slowly Dana captured Stella's bottom lip, then her upper, before meeting her tongue to languidly kiss her good morning for a few moments. When she pulled back Dana's hands found hers and clasped them, moving their hands between them. 'That's better,' Stella smiled. 'It is,' Dana agreed before turning towards the door. Grabbing her bag she looked back at Stella. 'Are you coming?' 'What about these?' Stella indicated the mess they'd left on the floor. 'Let's see how discrete housekeeping can be,' Scully challenged. 'Leave them, I don't need them.' Scully knew that there was no sensitive information in the papers, they were just basic medical studies that were also on her laptop in digital form. 'I think I like you going with the flow,' Stella commented quietly as they left Dana's room to head out for breakfast.
Breakfast was nice, Dana thought, having decided on a less indulgent meal than the day before. However the bread was deliciously toasted, the spread fresh and filling, the sides healthy and the company the best she'd ever had. Stella told her about the day she had planned, which lectures she was going to attend and that she'd signed up to see Scully's for the second time. Scully had listened and commented here and there, but mostly she'd been focusing on the moment – focusing on trying to stop running and start seeing what was right in front of her. That didn't necessarily just mean Stella, it encompassed the entire situation she found herself in. She listened to Stella's voice telling her that she was looking forward to hearing her talk, and she found that she needed someone to tell her they had that confidence in her like Stella did. She needed to hear it confirmed, even though she'd lectured a thousand times before, it was still nice to hear someone say they knew she was going to do well. With Mulder, she knew he appreciated her and believed in her but sometimes it felt like she was being taken for granted, and it was hard to live up to expectations that seemed to be sky high and growing.
After breakfast they went their separate ways, Stella wanting to attend a morning meeting at the conference while Scully had the morning off until her talk around lunch. They felt comfortable not arranging a specific meeting after exchanging numbers, both women feeling like they would meet again anyway. Stella was silently grateful to Dana for asking her for her phone number, because somehow she didn't feel brave enough to ask herself. It was something she rarely did. Most of the time she gave away her number because someone asked, but this was the first time she'd thought about asking someone – she had even considered leaving her number that morning. The card she'd received at Scully's lecture had only provided basic information and an email address, something Stella didn't feel like using. So when Dana asked if she had a US number or not she smiled and gladly gave her information to the redhead beside her. 'I'll see you around,' she said gently before accepting Scully's embrace. Stella sighed into Dana's shoulder before releasing her. 'Good luck with your lecture, you'll do great,' she added before turning and walking away in the direction of the subway station. Dana crossed her arms in front of her as she watched Stella leave.
A few hours later Scully stepped on stage in another packed conference hall. She hadn't intended on looking for Stella in the crowd, thinking it might add pressure to her doing well, but she found herself scanning the group anyway. As she made her way to the small table in the middle she introduced herself when the applause died down. She knew the subject matter through and through and she'd changed a few slides in her presentation so there would be something new for her to play off of as well, and overall she was confident she'd do okay. However, such a large group of people who were all experts in one way or another still had the ability to get under her skin, and as she started speaking she felt a nervous energy run through her limbs.
When, around the third slide, someone raised their hand to ask a question Scully looked over and in the movement spotted Stella. A slight blush crept onto her cheeks and she was grateful for the light make-up she'd decided to put on, knowing it covered most of her reddening face. She answered the question and thanked the woman for asking. Continuing to slide 4 she made eye contact with Stella, finding her quiet focus and attentive energy easy to work off of. She quickly found that Stella was a good focus point for whenever she was about to get lost.
Around thirty minutes into the talk she found Stella's eyes again and was met with a smile that she wouldn't forget any time soon.
Stella had been sitting quietly, watching as Dana took the stage she was clearly comfortable being on. Her voice betrayed nothing if she was even at all nervous and her stance was confident and powerful, yet she remained candid and approachable. After a few minutes Stella gave up on taking notes – she'd much rather focus on listening and regarding Dana on stage. There was much she could learn from that alone.
When Dana made eye contact with her, Stella didn't miss the tiniest hint of recognition that showed in the corner of Dana's mouth. After that initial moment she tried to look as reassuring and comforting as she could every time Dana met her eyes. She wanted to be an anchor, knowing that sometimes an anchor in a crowd like this was a life-saver to have – whenever she had to talk in front of large groups she tried to find a friendly face to draw power from. However, Dana seemed to have everything perfectly under control. Completely in awe of her strength and natural grace Stella couldn't help but sit back and allow herself to fully come into the moment. A soft smile came to play on her lips and it stayed there, born out of a sense of empowerment and pride and something she didn't yet dare to name. When Dana met her eyes again, Stella felt something change between them. It was palpable – to the both of them, it seemed, as Dana held her eyes just a second longer than before. Stella let herself break into the dazzling smile that had been building up within her, and she felt utterly touched when the smile transferred onto Dana's face to stay there for a few minutes until the subject matter turned more serious again.
After Dana's lecture, unlike the previous one, a group formed around the stage with people who had more personal or detailed questions. Scully moved down to talk to the gathering group, but she spotted Stella in the back of the auditorium. Stella decided she'd leave Dana to it – she had no place in that group and she didn't want to put pressure on Dana to wrap things up quickly. Stella smiled at her when Scully looked over before turning away and exiting the room. She found Dana's number and quickly sent her a message before going to find the restroom.
As Scully walked over to the table to gather a handout for someone she spotted Stella's message. She'd seen her leave and it had caused mixed feelings, but the idea that they would meet again was still strong within her. She opened the message, slightly anxious. As she walked back over she stopped for a second to read – You were amazing. Congratulations. X Stella. Quietly, Scully exhaled deeply, releasing some of the tension in her body. It hadn't been a tough crowd, but she decided to take the compliment as it was handed to her – she was proud of herself.
Later that afternoon, Scully found herself wandering around New York.
'Are you following me?' An amused, familiar voice came from behind her. Scully turned, a smile around her lips – she knew who would be waiting for her while she turned. 'What if I am?' she retorted. 'I'm with the FBI, I can follow people.' 'You were,' Stella said, stepping towards her with a smile around her lips. 'I honestly don't think you're allowed.' Scully shrugged. 'From where I'm standing, it's you who's following me,' she said smiling. She could see Stella hesitate for a moment, they were in the middle of Madison Square Park nonetheless- but she decided to not give a fuck as Stella would say. Carefully she stepped closer to Stella, who saw the decision in Scully's eyes the second she made it – and they met in the middle, their lips sealing together for a kiss that reaffirmed their unspoken of connection. As they parted Stella took Scully's hand and led her to the coffee cart that stood on the corner. 'Do you want something?' Scully nodded. 'Coffee, thanks.' The man gave them two big cups of coffee and they thanked him, taking off towards a bench in the park. They sat beside each other, opposite a fountain with the Flatiron building just visible through the coloring trees. 'So, how was your day?' Scully inquired, she hadn't seen Stella after the lecture, but she knew she'd attended other ones before and after Scully's. 'It certainly was interesting,' Stella said contemplatively. 'But I have to say that your lecture was the most insightful.' Dana didn't miss the double meaning that obviously fitted that statement – it had been interesting on many levels. 'That's because it was directly pertaining to your case,' Scully defended the convention, ignoring the personal aspect. Stella leaned her head to the side, deciding to let Dana get away with her deflection. 'Maybe. Anyway, you're done now, aren't you?' Scully laughed. 'How do you even know that?' 'I have my sources,' Stella grinned. 'When are you going back home?'
There it was, the question they had both been dreading. Stella hadn't meant to ask – it had just kind of slipped out, but she wasn't unhappy that it had. They could both use some clarity right now. 'I don't know,' Scully said. 'I'll be here tomorrow, and then I think I have to go. You'll be here for another few days, right?' Stella looked at her, a sad smile on her face. 'How do you even know that?' she repeated Scully's question. Dropping her eyes she sighed. 'Don't answer that. Yes, I've decided to take a few days off and stay here. It's always been a comforting place for me.' Scully touched the hand that was holding Stella's coffee. 'New York suits you,' she said softly. She'd had that thought before – Even though Stella was clearly not a local it was obvious that she was at home here. She didn't seem to be intimidated by the city, just intrigued and curious about the possibilities and the opportunities that this place held. Stella chuckled at Scully's comment. 'It suits us, you mean,' she said. Scully let the comment rest between them for a moment before releasing Stella's hand. Looking at the park before them a wave of sadness quietly washed over her as she was once again reminded of where they were. Pocket universe. 'Because of New York there is an us,' she said quietly. Stella sighed. 'What does that mean to you?' She was curious to know, since she was having trouble defining it herself. She'd tried to make sense of her thoughts while swimming this morning, and a good portion of the lectures she'd attended had been spent thinking about what she had with Dana Scully. In the end, she just didn't know, or she was too afraid to put a label on it.
Dana looked at Stella for a moment while contemplating her answer. 'Do you want to know my honest answer?' she asked. 'I do,' Stella said confidently because she didn't just want honesty, she needed it.
Scully knew what she wanted to say. She'd thought about it a lot throughout the night and day – she'd expected the question to come up some time today, especially after the day's events. Scully sighed and put her coffee cup on the bench next to her before shifting a little to face Stella. 'I know you don't do relationships. And I don't know if that would even be something either of us wants. Also, you know that I'm with someone.' Stella breathed in slowly, guarding herself from everything Scully was saying. She knew it all to be true, but her brain and her heart were, for the first time since forever, in complete disagreement on what she wanted Dana to say next.
'Go on,' she encouraged when Scully stopped for a moment to gather her thoughts. Dana shook her head softly. 'This isn't going anywhere. You live in the UK, we don't know each other. But I felt something yesterday. And I felt something last night. I don't know what that means but I won't give up on it this easily.' As she was talking the answer to her own questions formed in her brain. 'I'd like to at least stay in touch when I go home. I don't want to lose you as a friend.'
Stella felt touched at Scully's openness and her ability to put into words what she was feeling. It might hurt, and it might not feel comfortable, but it was the truth. She nodded and sat back on the bench. 'You're probably right,' she answered. 'We met by chance, maybe we're both just passing by. That doesn't mean it can't be something beautiful while it lasts.' Scully sighed. 'Aren't those things the hardest to get over?' Stella nodded sadly. 'I think they probably are.'
They sat silently for a little while, both lost in their own world of thought while they drank their coffee. The sun was slowly turning, casting dark shadows across the park and, after a while, bathing the bench in full sunlight. Stella glanced over at Scully, amazed by the colors playing in Dana's hair. Tenderness washed over her like a blanket and she felt like she had to say something, even though it might sound redundant and lame. 'I feel protective of you for some reason,' she broke the silence. Dana looked at her, meeting Stella's eyes. 'I can fight my own battles,' she said in no particular tone of voice. But she recognized the feeling, had seen it in Stella's eyes but had also felt it herself. 'Oh, I know,' Stella answered. 'I'm not trying to be condescending.' Dana smiled a little. 'I know. And I know what you mean. I've felt it, too. I think it's a big part of why I came to you yesterday.' 'I'm glad you did,' Stella said. 'Me too,' Scully answered as she finished her coffee. 'It doesn't have to be just one night,' Stella added softly as she glanced at Dana. 'We can allow ourselves to have this.' Scully sighed. 'I'm already allowing myself to have so much. I don't know how much more I can take.' 'You don't know unless you try,' Stella said. 'Just thinking about it won't make it happen. It's the action that will make it real.' 'I know,' Scully answered. 'I don't know if I want it to be real.' Stella nodded. 'Okay.'
After a few moments she moved to get up. 'I'm going to go now, but I'll be in the hotel bar before dinner around 1800. If you want to, you can meet me there and we'll talk about this. If you decide you don't want to explore this we'll just be two friends meeting for dinner.' Dana nodded. 'I'm sorry that I'm complicating things.' 'Don't be, you're not,' Stella said, reaching her hand out to touch Dana's. 'There is nothing wrong with being careful with ones emotions. We're forced to live as robots most of the time, so much so that we tend to forget to listen to our hearts. We're taught that showing emotion is a weakness while it's quite the opposite. It's commendable and brave that you're willing to open up like this.' She smiled softly. 'I also felt something,' Stella added soflty. Dana saw the truth and vulnerability in Stella's eyes and she felt the emotional effort behind Stella's statement. 'I'll see you later,' Dana almost whispered and Stella nodded before letting go of Dana's hand and, after gracefully standing up and gathering both their empty cups, walking away.
Scully already knew what her decision was. She wanted to spend the night holding Stella again. She just wished she hadn't planted a seed of her own destruction by opening up so much. Not necessarily to Stella, but mainly to herself – giving in to her honest and raw feelings was dangerous, there was so much still barely hidden and close to the surface that she wasn't ready to face. However, the prospect of going home seemed a little less daunting now that she had at least told Stella what she wanted – even if she wasn't completely sure what that was herself.