About seven years ago – Yoon-Gi's POV
"Hyung, what's wrong?" Jimin asks me quickly. "I am honestly not sure what is wrong. I feel happy and angry and tired all at once," I admit. I turn from Jimin and start walking toward the door of my room. I hear Jimin walking beside me. "What do you need, hyung?" I shake my head. Why did hearing the news of Leigh's visit make my heart race? She's a good friend of us all. I did have a great time over the holidays with her and her family, along with a few of the guys. I have always found spending time with Leigh very calming and comforting. "Nothing, Jimin," I say, unlocking my door and stepping in. I go to close it behind me, but Jimin stops me. I see Joon close behind, looking a bit confused. I don't even remember him being with us as we started talking about the visit. "What?" I say a bit more aggressive than I mean it to be. They both raise their eyebrows. I'm normally pretty abrasive, but even I am shocked at the tone. I look down, "Sorry, I am not sure what that was about. I am having trouble sorting my feelings right now. My thoughts."
"It's ok, we all have times like that," Joon says. "Can we come in and help you sort it out?" Jimin asks. I shrug, "Sure." I turn and walk into the room. I hear a soft click as the door closes. I lay my bag on my bed and sit down. Jimin sits next to me as Joon pulls the desk chair over to sit in front of me. I look at them both. "Did something happen during the show?" Joon asks. I shake my head, but Jimin answers, "No, he was acting normal until I checked my messages. I got a message from Rose saying they are planning on visiting for Leigh's birthday. She wants to try to plan a small birthday party for her Leigh." Joon sits back and crosses his arms. "Yoon-Gi, do you not want Leigh and the girls to visit? Leigh has been so good to us; I love it when she comes here. It's almost like we can return the hospitality she has always shown us." I nod, "No, I want her to come. I have missed her and her children very much since we left her home last month. I think I got so used to the sense of calm I feel around her that it has been a bit tough to readjust to our normal routine. Being at her home helped me refocus on me and my music though." I rub my hands together and furrow my brow. Joon has a smirk on his face like he's just waiting for me to say something more. I glance at Jimin and notice his face mimics Joon's. I feel like I am missing out on a joke. "What? Why those faces?" I ask. The smiles grow bigger. Jimin places one hand on my knee. "Hyung, when are you going to admit your feelings to yourself?" My heart pounds and I feel my face flush. I quickly stand and start pulling my things out of my bag and organizing them on the table close to the bed. "I don't know what you are talking about." Of course, I do. I feel it with every cell in my body.
"Yoon-Gi, why deny it?" Joon asks, helping me place my things on my table the way I like them organized. I sigh and place both hands on the desk and close my eyes. "Hyung, we've all seen the changes in you since the vacation was over," Joon continues. I slightly so much shake my head. "Yoon-Gi, I think you are hurting yourself more by keeping it in. Trying to hide your feelings," Jimin says. I turn and look at them both.
"Brothers, I cannot allow myself to love her," I whisper. Jimin's face looks like he just got slapped, while Joon hangs his head. "Why not?" Jimin demands, going slightly red, immediately on the defensive. "Leigh is an amazing person. She has helped us through all our difficulties over the past five years, even after losing her husband. Yoon-Gi, you and Joon convinced her to come home after she thought she could not raise her children alone. She's already family. I don't understand." Jimin looks down, "Well, she's family to me. Like a big sister." I lean back on the table. "Jimin, I know how much she has done for us. I have considered her a great friend for more than four years now. Not just because of what she does for us. She so much fun when she lets her guard down. She doesn't feel the need to fill the silence with endless chatter. Her whole presence does something to my soul. I know…" I look at Joon. He nods, "Go on. Say whatever it is."
I sit back on the bed next to Jimin. "We all have expectations. We all have who and what we think we are looking for. I have always wanted a nice, petite Korean woman. Someone raised in our customs, someone to give me a son. The media, the company, ARMY, my family. They will expect and want me to find someone like that once I decide to start a family. How will it look if I date an American woman, nine years my senior, who has three daughters, one of which is only ten years younger than me? And we all know she could not carry me a child. And all of this would be only IF she feels this way about me." I put my head in my hands, tears unwillingly escaping from my eyes. I think not knowing if she has feelings for me is worse than anything else I said. "Then take the guilt she will have if she does have feelings for me. She loves Kayden so much; she would never let herself love someone else. How can I fight that kind of love and devotion? Why would I want to? Why make her go through that pain?" Jimin rubs my back while Joon comes back to the chair.
"What are you going to do? What can we do to help?" Joon asks. "Do you need distance, is that why the trip is making you anxious?" I shake my head. "No, the thought of seeing her face again makes my heart race. I have been looking forward to it since we left Arizona. I just thought I'd have more time. I was expecting her to come in May, for Sidda's birthday, like she normally does. I figured I'd get over it by then."
"Hyung, she's talking about moving to Seoul. I mean, it's a big town, but she works with us…." Jimin says. "Wait, what? When did she start talking about moving? She mentioned it in passing, but she was joking with JK at the time." I ask. My mind races. Would I get to see her every day? Do I want to see her every day? Jimin shrugs and looks back at his phone. "Rose says she was talking to a realtor yesterday about apartments in Seoul." My mind starts buzzing as it does sometimes when I am trying to focus on too many things. I hear a notification from my phone, but one from Joon's as well. He has his in hand; mine is on the table. He looks down for a moment, skimming the message. I am desperately hoping it is just a change in our meeting time tomorrow to head home. I glance at the clock next to the bed. It is already almost one am. "It's Leigh," Joon says. My eyes immediately snap to his. "She was wondering if we were still awake to talk." I shake my head. "It's ok. We can pretend we are asleep and message her tomorrow. She said it was not urgent." He puts his phone down, concern in his eyes. "Hyung….you know what you have to do." Jimin looks between us, "What?" he asks. Joon smiles at him as I look down. I don't want to hear this. "First, he has to admit it. To himself, to us, if he feels comfortable. Eventually, you'll have to say the words. Second, he has to prepare to see Leigh because, well, all work together. She'll be back on tour with us when it picks up again, like normal. Then, he has to tell her. No matter what the outcome." I feel sudden anger swell up inside me. How did I let this happen? I clench my fists and look back at Joon, "No. I won't." I stand up and start walking back and forth down the length of my room. "This is not the plan, Joon. I wanted to wait longer to fall in love. I wanted someone who resembled Suran or IU, I wanted…" Joon stands up and grabs my shoulders, interrupting my pacing and ranting. "It doesn't matter what you think you want. The universe gives you what you need when it comes to love. You need Leigh, and she needs you." I shake my head, tears flowing freely. Pain, happiness, confusion, anger. Joon holds me at arm's length for a few moments, trying to catch my eye. When he realizes I am not doing that he pulls me into a hug. I feel Jimin come over and he joins the hug. "Hyung. This is not a sad thing," he says. "This is beautiful. You know, you are the only one who can get Leigh to laugh without trying? She smiles more with you, especially when she thinks no one is paying attention and she lets her guard down." I smile slightly and step back, wiping the tears on the back of my hand. "Yea?" I don't know why this calms me down. "Yea, did you not know? Rose said her and her sisters have been talking about it. How grateful they were for our visit, but mainly for you and how you quietly cared for Leigh, well for all of them. Rose said it was so peaceful while you were there because Leigh was more a peace. I guess you two do that for each other." He looks down as Joon passes me a tissue. I snicker, "Tears?" I say to myself. "They also say they are afraid that she will never remarry, never find happiness again because of her devotion to Kayden. It's their biggest fear as daughters."