Courage Is A Woman
Chapter 7. The Ocean
After their conversation in Madison Square Park Stella headed back to the hotel which was within walking distance. She wanted to try and figure out the situation – she knew what she was feeling, and she knew how it was developing, but quietly she feared that development. To love someone, to admit to loving someone and to open yourself up was the most daunting thing she could think of. There was a lot about her past that she wasn't proud of, a lot of traits and choices that she knew would come up one time or another that would undoubtedly drive a wedge between herself and the person she had fallen in love with. Stella was no stranger to love – she knew it intimately and she was familiar with all its costs. Quick to love and trust, young Stella had been known to make life altering choices based on pleasing a boy or a man. Her female relationships had been gentler, but also unsuccessful. However, growing up and finding out that sometimes she was automatically expected to change because of the mere fact that she was female she'd made the conscious choice to stop. To stop falling in love, to stop making love. To just stop love altogether. It had worked out for a while, and she'd been happy – happy with the person she was becoming, happy with the person she put out to the world. She had sex, she fucked, but she didn't make love. She dated, she had fun, but she didn't fall in love. She said no and ended things, but she wasn't rejected. She watched and saw possibilities, but she didn't engage. There was an invisible line that she had become very careful not to cross.
Then, Dana had come along.
Dana hadn't necessarily changed everything, but she'd shifted the balance, pushed that line. It had been a while since Stella had felt the emotional attraction that Dana had caused within her, that pull that went far beyond the physical. Stella had thought she was impervious to those feelings by now, but Dana had proved her wrong without even trying.
Stella knew the feeling. She knew it as love.
It was dangerous and problematic, unexpected and completely unplanned. It had happened when she was distracted, her guard had been down and, innocently, Dana had pried open the gate that had been closed around Stella's heart.
She wanted to take the time between now and her promise to Dana at 18:00 to try and decide what she really wanted and, more importantly, how to put it into words without compromising her sense of safety.
Entering her hotel room she dropped her key card and bag onto a chair before dropping down on the bed. Sighing deeply she sat with her head in her hands – only a few hours ago she'd been fucking the bartender in this bed, and between then and now she felt like she was a different person. Dana had been right when she'd told Stella a relationship was virtually impossible, but Stella had been unprepared for the disappointment she'd felt at the finality of that statement. She had adopted the idea long ago that when faced with two choices, one should toss a coin. Not to find out what to do by whichever side ended facing up, but by following ones gut instinct – subconsciously the choice is made when the coin is in the air. In the short time that is provided by a coin toss your heart will know what you want the most. There is no such thing as true indecision.
Stella smiled to herself, almost laughing at the situation – like she was going to decide a relationship with a coin toss. Anyway, the road was already clear to her – if there was any way to stay in touch with Dana she would love to do so and discover more and more about the possibilities. The only thing she was scared of was being left behind once Dana was happily back at home with her boyfriend. But as soon as that thought entered her mind she knew that the reward would outweigh the risk – she'd always have a good friend in Dana Scully. Friendships with people she had had sex with weren't uncommon to Stella and she'd found them to be either strong and intimate or non-existent at all, so she felt confident this would be the first of those two.
Stella wrote down some words, much like she would jot down a dream – it helped her put things into perspective. Often, her fleeting thoughts were the most valuable. What did you feel? She wrote. Interpretation. Sex? Physical or emotional? Then, a thought occurred to her. Can you stay? She wrote, a few blank lines between that and the other words. It felt dangerous even to write it down but she did it anyway – it would make it easier to say.
Breathing in and out slowly she decided to take a shower and change before heading down, she still had an hour and a half but she thought it would help her relax. Stella undressed in a methodical fashion, folding her clothes as she remembered to order dry cleaning service later on. She put her hair up in a messy bun in an attempt to keep it dry. Stepping under the hot current she let the water cascade down her body, watching as the ripples made their way down her arms, breasts, across the slight curve of her tummy and hips and down her legs. She took good care of her body and she knew she as in good shape, but it had been a while since she had actually looked at herself as something other than just a body. She'd been fascinated by Dana earlier, the interest she had shown in exploring Stella's body, the curves and dips she had seemed to be enchanted by. Stella loved that, such an uninhibited and open road of discovery, and she thought how she didn't do enough discovering herself. Often, but more so recently, she had found herself just going through the motions without actually appreciating herself or the other during sex. She'd seen so much in the line of duty, heard so many statements and stories that somehow the magic of the human body had been lost to her. That, combined with her commitment to not fall in love had caused her to see sex as a basic physical need instead of something magical, no matter how hard she tried (even though often she didn't try at all). A true connection, like she had felt with Dana, had never been a priority – she'd even actively prevented it from time to time. Talking to Dana and her experience from last night however had taught her that Dana Scully was entirely her opposite, and even though that should caution her and make her tread lightly around Dana but it hadn't. Stella was very aware of the fact that they had an intimate connection that couldn't be denied, but that hadn't been named either. She hoped Dana would be brave enough to bring it up again tonight, for she knew she herself lacked the strength to do so. If the object of her recent conundrum could open up about her true feelings Stella knew that, even if it would be the most uncomfortable and compromising thing she would ever do, she would be able to tell Dana that she had fallen for her.
As that thought formed and came full circle in Stella's mind, tears formed in her eyes. As the first one trickled down her cheek, getting caught in the current that was still pouring down on her, she allowed herself to release all of the nervous energy that she'd been holding in. Tears came quietly, any sounds and sobs absorbed by the gentle splashes of the water and the beating of her heart.
After Stella had left Dana found herself unusually calm. There was no decision to be made – Even if she was presented with two choices, there was only one road she was going to take and, for the moment, she didn't feel bad about it. She watched Stella walk away and disappear between traffic on Fifth Avenue, her head slightly bent. What they were doing was probably dangerous, most likely going to cause either one or both of them pain and it was definitely stupid but it didn't feel wrong. Something that came so naturally and felt so right couldn't be wrong, Scully thought.
Before long she stood up as well, straightening her clothes before taking off through the park towards the hotel. She was grateful for the alone-time that Stella had given her, needing some time alone to change her pace. The business part of her trip had been successfully completed and she had to change gears to make sure she fully enjoyed her last day in New York tomorrow. She did not yet allow herself to start thinking about her trip back home because even thinking about planning it made her throat constrict with the mixed feelings that came up. It was her home, and it meant safety – but what if it was time to shift into something more thrilling? Not that Stella was just an adrenaline rush – there was a certain sense of pride that came after being with Stella and seeing her do something, anything, knowing the way they felt about each other. But did she? Did she truly know how Stella felt about her? Did Stella know how Dana felt? Scully had seen an undeniable truth in Stella's eyes, and she was sure she had betrayed some of that same emotion herself, but they had yet to say it to each other. That was a line they hadn't yet dared to cross, both of them feeling slightly out of their depth and insecure about their own ability to love and maintain a relationship. Dana vowed to herself that if Stella ended up in her arms tonight, she would gather the courage to tell her she was falling in love with her. She had been desperately trying to keep the feeling at bay, or at least to keep it from taking over, but to no avail – that ship had sailed the second they had started talking. However, she also knew that there was still a possibility that she wouldn't see much of Stella again after this trip was over, and she felt like she owed it to Stella and to herself to be honest about her feelings. It most likely wouldn't matter because they would part in a few days and go back to their old lives, but that was probably the main reason why Scully wanted to have said it at least once.
As she exited the park onto Fifth Avenue Scully stopped for a second, sighing deeply while taking in the sights around her. Looking to her left the famous Flatiron building was being illuminated by the warm evening sun, casting a shadow across the pavement and people down in front of it. In front of her there was a terrace that had become quite busy, New Yorkers and tourists coming together in this magical place. Taking off uptown towards her hotel Scully felt her insides tingle as she saw the Empire State Building stand proud between the concrete surrounding it – she was glad she still felt this way about things. A while ago she'd felt numb, never particularly happy or sad and it had bothered her a lot because she wanted to be passionate, wanted to be brave and it felt like that had gone. However, this trip had shown her that she still had that ability to be enticed and inspired by something as mundane as a city. Every corner she turned she saw something spectacular, it seemed. Scully took her phone out to take a few pictures of the incredulous sights around her. As she opened it she saw a message from Stella.
I don't want to change who you are. Take your time.
Dana felt her heart clench with an unexpected sadness and a wistful feeling clouded her good mood for a few seconds. They were going to have to part in a little over a day, she didn't have the luxury of time. Stella knew this and Scully wondered if she was just trying to save herself from inevitable pain and rejection. Vowing to herself to be in the hotel bar at exactly 6PM looking stunning she put her phone away and continued towards the hotel.
Stella had spent the rest of her time to try and relax and get ready for the evening. She knew Dana would be in the bar, but she had doubts about the outcome of their evening. She had texted her earlier but gotten no reply, and even though the text hadn't necessarily needed an answer it had been slightly unnerving to not hear something from Dana after their conversation in the park. There was a quiet storm surrounding them both, Stella felt – a combination of turbulent emotions, bad timing and unexpected attraction that was dangerous but impossible to get away from. It felt fragile but alluring and Stella thought back to when she had first felt this way. She might have to tell Dana about it – it had been her first relationship with a woman, many years ago, and it had been breathtaking and sweet but it had hurt deeply in the end. That was probably why she recognized this as a turning point in her life, she had not allowed anyone to hurt her like that after the pain had almost broken her back then. Something in Dana made Stella yearn for that deep connection, though – it made her strong enough to risk that pain. Yes, she would curse herself if it ended up going south, but what was she going to do? Live the rest of her life like this, fucking around for her own enjoyment without ever actually feeling fulfilled? Sharing her life with no one, not loving another human being with her whole heart like she knew she could? That was the future she'd chosen for herself half a lifetime ago but right now she couldn't fathom why she'd never want to change.
Stepping in front of her mirror Stella smiled at what she saw – she was most definitely dressed to impress. Her choice of clothing was unexpected, even to her, but looking at herself she knew it was the right thing to wear. She'd only brought one pair of shorts – a taupe colored short with a ribbon at the front that fit her perfectly. She never wore them, but she was glad because now she could wear them on special occasions and they would always remind her of today. She'd opted for a simple, short sleeved, cream dress shirt on top which she buttoned up almost all the way to balance out the skin shown by her shorts. Picking shoes wasn't as hard as it would have been at home, and with the limited choice she had gladly opted for her maroon pumps once again. Looking herself over one last time before heading down she hoped Dana would be impressed – although she knew Dana wouldn't care if she showed up wearing pajamas.
Sitting in the bar was every bit as nerve-wrecking as Stella had promised herself it wouldn't be. She knew with certainty Dana would be there but that still meant nothing was resolved – one thing they did not have was the luxury of time. As she looked around she didn't spot Dana anywhere, but she hadn't expected to – she was a little early, after all. Her mind quickly went through her options – She could do what she always did or try and break the stalemate. That inevitably meant talking about her feelings, something she dreaded but wanted at the same time.
After a few minutes Stella felt the hairs on her neck stand on end. On instinct she turned around to face Dana who was just entering the bar, clearly looking for her. It was exactly 1800, of course, and Stella smiled a warm welcome as relief flooded her entire body. The look on Dana's face told her a story already, and it told her that she needn't worry. She was wearing a soft and open expression, one that showed she'd been doing some thinking as well. Whatever it was that would be their future Stella knew that they'd always be in each other's hearts.
Stella also noticed that she hadn't been the only one to dress for the occasion. Dana looked stunning, her fiery hair loosely curled around her shoulders, just touching the top of the midnight blue blouse that flattered her figure immensely. The black skirt she wore fit perfectly to complete a classy and yet inviting look. Stella smiled as their eyes met, indicating Dana to join her. She watched as Dana's eyes lit up and she walked towards where Stella was sitting, her walk indicating her intentions but also betraying her insecurities. Stella saw right through it because she recognized it all too well, that feigned shield of strength that was supposed to shield her from caring too much but that always ended up crumbling when she saw Dana. As Dana walked towards her she witnessed the exact same thing happening to her – Dana's expression went from confident to soft and vulnerable in the few steps it took her to reach Stella. 'Hey,' she said softly as a greeting. 'Hello,' Stella answered. 'I was hoping you would be here.'
'Technically you invited me, the choices you presented me with always included us meeting for dinner,' Dana said. Stella smiled. 'I digress. Still, it's good to see you. You look amazing.' Dana smiled, secretly glad she could stop herself from blushing this time. 'I was about to say the same thing.' Stella nodded in acknowledgement. 'So, dinner?' Dana nodded. 'Yeah, let's eat. And we do need to talk, Stella.' Stella nodded. 'I know.' They picked a place by the window, Stella sitting on the red velvety couch across from Dana, who took the chair. As Dana settled, she sighed, and the sigh sounded so emotionally loaded and surfaced so much for Stella that she instinctively reached for her hand.
As Stella scanned the restaurant looking for someone to take their order her eyes met those of the handsome bartender that had shared her bed not too long ago. With her hand still resting on Dana's she didn't care if he saw and what he thought, but his reaction interested her nonetheless.
Nick smiled emotionlessly at her from across the bar, his gaze going from her eyes down to her hand and back. He knew. Stella locked eyes with him as a sign of recognition and the corner of her mouth curved up in acceptance before turning back to Dana. This was enough.
They ordered a light dinner, neither of them feeling really hungry. The Italian restaurant was a part of the hotel and it offered a large variety of courses, so there was plenty to choose from – which was a good thing, because it gave both of them a minute to arrange their thoughts as they pretended to look over the menu.
About an hour later they were wrapped up in light conversation, talking about nothing in particular – mostly avoiding sensitive subjects, actually, and both were aware of it. As she sipped her wine Scully was the first to address the obvious. 'I told you earlier that I didn't know if I wanted us to be real. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings when I said that, I realize it's a little harsh,' she started. She didn't miss how Stella's shoulders fell just a little, indicating she had an idea where this was going. 'I know I walked away after you said that,' Stella said. 'But I didn't leave you alone.' Scully pondered her statement for a moment. 'You actually gave me time to think, and I needed it,' she answered. 'However the decision about tonight was made long before that.'
'Oh?' Stella smiled, the slight blush in Dana's cheeks inviting her to tease a little. 'Care to tell me what you've decided?' Scully tried and failed to hide her smile. 'I can't predict the future,' she started, 'But I do know that if you'll let me, I'd like to spend the night in your arms again.' It was so honest and true that it felt very, very dangerous and unsafe to say, but at the same time Scully knew she needed to say it. Stella's teasing smile fell from her face and all that was left was love, wonder and appreciation. It touched Dana so deeply that tears formed in her eyes. 'What?' she asked when Stella didn't reply immediately. 'You keep surprising me,' Stella said softly. 'It's so hard to be honest about ones emotions, but you do it beautifully.' 'It's just because I feel like this is important,' Dana answered. 'You are important.' Stella shook her head quietly. 'I'm glad to know you, Dana,' she said.
Their conversation quieted down after that as they both just enjoyed each other's company, although a heavy sadness accompanied them as well. Slowly but surely Dana's words were sinking in with Stella, and they both knew what they were working towards. Stella, however, felt Dana's slight insecurity about the whole situation and tried to reassure her. After a while Dana seemed like she was ready to get out of the bar, needing a little more privacy. 'Join me for a walk?' Stella invited her, and the surprise in Dana's eyes was expected but it pleased her nonetheless. 'Of course,' Scully answered, and together they left the hotel to wander along the streets of New York again. It was quieter than before, but the sounds of the city gave them the intimacy and togetherness that they had been craving whilst allowing them to not feel trapped or pressured like their hotel rooms might have done. 'I just love this city,' Stella wondered aloud. 'I wish I lived here.' 'I could see that,' Dana answered, linking her arm through Stella's. This was good, Scully thought, she needed the time with Stella to prove and to solidify her feelings. Stella's arm was her anchor and the street was their ocean as they glided through the waves of people and traffic covering New York. After a few minutes Stella realized she didn't really know where she was going. 'I don't admit this very often,' she whispered to Scully, 'But I think I'm lost.' Scully pulled her in a little closer. 'Literally or figuratively?' she asked. Stella smiled and leaned her head towards Scully, taking a turn even though she didn't know where it would lead. 'Literally,' she answered. 'Figuratively I think I've just begun to find myself.'
The words rang so true with Scully that she stopped for a second. She didn't say anything, but instead softly pushed Stella against the wall of a building before raising her hands to touch Stella's cheeks. She kissed her so softly that it was a harsh contrast to the turbulence in her heart, but it was the only way she knew how to express her feelings. Stella resisted for a second, grabbing Dana's arms surprised by her sudden action. Within moments however she reacted to the kiss, her hands travelling up and back down Dana's arms. 'There you go again,' Stella whispered as they broke their intimate touch. 'What?' Dana asked. 'You are such a contradiction that I can't predict what you'll do next. And it's magnificent,' Stella answered. 'Please don't ever change.' It was the second time she'd said that, and each time she meant it more. 'I won't,' Dana reassured her. 'It's who I am. It's gotten me in trouble before, but I don't want to change.'
They broke their soft embrace and continued down the street, both of them slowly finding their way.
About an hour later they were back in the hotel lobby, having roamed the energy-filled streets of Manhattan until they found a familiar spot. Stella had promised Dana she could sleep in her bed again, but neither had really specified how they wanted that to happen. However, Stella knew what she wanted and she knew what she needed. Quietly she laid her hand on Dana's wrist as they made their way upstairs. It wasn't a demanding touch, but it was the guidance that Dana badly needed. She didn't know if she would have been brave enough to repeat her request to Stella, so Scully was infinitely grateful for the light pressure guiding her towards Stella's room instead of hers. It felt like her own spirit was guiding them, and Stella seemed to have less problems listening to it than she did herself. As they entered Stella's room Dana immediately walked over to the impressive window. The view was still breathtaking, like it was from her side of the hotel, and she was sure she would miss it badly once she left New York. When after a few moments Stella joined her, standing behind Scully overlooking the city, Scully caught sight of their reflection in the glass. 'Look at us,' she whispered. 'What are we doing?'
'It doesn't matter now,' Stella answered sincerely. Her hands travelled up Scully's sides to the buttons on her blouse. Meeting Dana's eyes in the colorful mirror that was New York she started to slowly undo them, one by one, pulling the blouse from Dana's skirt. Scully didn't interrupt Stella, nor did she break eye contact – from the corner of her eye she could see Stella exposing more and more of her creamy skin, and it was magical. She felt Stella's fingertips play along her skin, opening her blouse, softly pushing her hair over her shoulders. When Stella finally dropped her eyes to place a kiss on the curve of Dana's neck Scully turned around and returned the kiss, while quietly pulling Stella as close as possible. 'I need you close,' she whispered. 'I need to feel that this is real.' 'It is,' Stella whispered into her mouth. 'It's almost too real.' Dana nodded with the truth she felt in Stella's statement while her hands met Stella's between them. Stella redirected Dana's wrists to her sides, taking back a little bit of the control that she felt she needed. Breaking the kiss Scully stepped back, pushing the blouse off her shoulders. 'Let me,' she almost demanded of Stella to allow her to unbutton her shirt. Stella regarded her intensely while busying her hands with Dana's skirt and bra. Stella allowed Dana to undo and remove her top and shorts, but she stopped her at her underwear. Turning Dana around again to face the window she put her chin back in the spot she had kissed before, their similar height making the curve of Dana's shoulder perfect for Stella to nestle in. Somehow Stella had managed to undo Dana's bra in the process and she quickly removed it, burying her lips in Dana's neck and hair while her hands snaked around to cover her breasts. Dana had been observing Stella, watching her every move, but now she was focused on their image in the window. Someone might see them, she thought for a second – then again, who gave a shit, really. She had far more important things to focus on right now, with Stella's hands softly kneading her breasts. 'I want to feel your skin on me,' Stella whispered, and Dana thought she'd never heard anyone say that out loud before. She'd thought it multiple times, loving the feeling of skin to skin contact in situations like this, but she had never openly said it. Stella amazed her as much as she did Stella, Dana realized.
Without turning she reached back and ungracefully motioned for Stella to take off her bra. Stella smirked but complied and Scully pulled her close as soon as Stella came back to her. 'Hold me,' she said quietly, and the cloud of darkness that had been following them came down to hang around them again. Scully hadn't meant to bring down the mood, but she felt it happening. Stella pulled her close, so close, Dana thought she'd never been this close to someone before. She felt Stella release a sigh that came from deep within and ended in a shudder, her arms moving to try to encompass more of Dana's body. 'I love this,' Stella whispered. Dana nodded and moved in their embrace, pressing her lips in Stella's hair as soon as she was able to. They held each other for a few moments before Stella grasped Scully's hand. 'Come here,' she said, indicating for Dana to sit on the table to the side of her window. Dana sat down, her legs spread a little and immediately she knew why Stella wanted her here – it was the perfect height for them to be as close as humanly possible. Stella kicked off her remaining clothes before stepping in and Scully wrapped her naked legs around her, pulling her in as close as she could get. Stella was a little bit lower now, and Scully had to bend down a little to kiss her. When she did she felt Stella reach upwards as far as she could, grasping the back of Scully's neck and pulling her down.
Their kiss was heated and emotional, and Scully felt tears rise in her eyes but she pushed them away with everything she had. She didn't want to break the moment like she had before, so she focused on Stella and her fingers curled in Stella's hair. Stella's hands moved from her neck to her face, caressing her cheeks before moving down to touch every last part of Dana .
They didn't speak out loud, but between them much was spoken through their touch. It wasn't about sex, it was about love this time and both of them knew exactly what was happening. Their hands explored each other completely, and both of them were set on being as open as possible. It was almost desperate, the intensity with which they seemed to want to feel each other's presence, but it was sweet and gentle as well. Their eyes met from time to time, when they weren't mesmerized by a curve or a sigh, and each time one of them had to break their eye contact because of its meaning. The air around them was peaceful, and Stella had a fleeting thought that she'd never experienced something like this – which was a rare realization while holding a naked body in her arms.
Dana's hands couldn't reach far enough down to touch Stella where she wanted but Stella didn't seem to care, busying herself with the challenge of getting the loudest reacting from Dana while touching her intimately. Dana felt Stella's touch become more demanding as the heat rose between them, her fingers deftly exploring her while her other hand grasped around her back keeping their bodies close together. Guided by the sounds coming from Dana Stella slowly took her right to the edge of her climax, keeping her there for a few blissful seconds before allowing her to fall. When she did, Stella felt Dana's arms and legs all around her, and the pleasure it brought her answered so many of her questions that she didn't even know why she'd had them in the first place.
'Can you stay?' Stella asked quietly, her bottom lip quivering tensely. She was trying to remain strong and in control but the fact that Dana was sitting naked in front of her, her slender legs wrapped around Stella's midsection in an intimate embrace made it difficult for Stella to even recognize what her reasons for that were. Why did she want to control everything? Why was it so hard to give in to the moment and open up, ask what she wanted to ask, say what she needed to say?
The reason was rejection, she knew, and even though she hadn't thought about that for a long time (she'd been the one doing the rejecting) it explained everything. It explained her quivering lip, her fear of letting go of Dana's body. It laid bare all her insecurities and vulnerabilities, and she felt she had a lot more trouble with it than Dana seemed to have. They were two opposites, Stella realized – Rejection and total surrender, and even though, or maybe because they were opposites they would always be linked. Much like herself and the woman who was tenderly caressing her spine with her fingers - between them there were as many similarities as there were differences but somehow they had known very early on that whatever they would end up having would be special and possibly eternal.
'Dana?' Stella whispered when she didn't get a reply, trying to sound brave for herself more than for Scully. The body that was slowly cooling down against her slumped with the deep sigh that Dana released.
'I don't know,' Scully replied softly, wanting to look in Stella's eyes but not feeling strong enough yet. 'I…. I don't know.' Stella nodded into Scully's shoulder. 'Okay.' She made a mental note that this wasn't a no before reminding herself of the situation Scully was in. 'It's unfair of me to ask, I'm sorry,' she said before releasing Dana and standing up a little straighter. Her hands came to Scully's thighs as Dana's fell to Stella's hips, and their eyes locked for a quiet reaffirmation. Scully shook her head lightly, breaking eye contact to lay her head on Stella's collarbone. 'No, it's a good question. I want to stay,' she said. 'I'll try to make it work.' Stella smiled into Dana's hair. 'Maybe it's better if you don't, maybe we shouldn't let this grow too much.' Scully chuckled. 'I think we're past that point,' she answered. Scully raised her head again and searched out Stella's lips, closing her eyes on a moan when their tongues met again. Their kiss was unhurried and intense, both women wanting to convey what they hadn't yet put into words. Stella captured Dana's top lip, softly nipping on the flesh before sweeping her tongue across. It was a quiet moment between them that they both decided not to over-analyze or complicate – they had done enough of that already today. Scully knew she could probably stay two more days to enjoy that time with Stella but right now she didn't want to think about the implications – Stella's mouth was too distracting and her hands so soft and gentle in their exploration of Dana's body that they soon became Scully's focal point.
Dana concentrated on the feeling of Stella's hands moving up to her breasts. She'd been loving and gentle before, but today Stella really seemed to be very exploratory. Dana wondered what had changed, because she was witnessing Stella making a conscious effort to be in the moment with her. Where she'd felt her disassociate afterwards the last time they had made love, this time Scully could feel an almost palpable need for intimacy come from the blonde. It didn't feel desperate, but it felt true and deep and Scully wondered if this was what was holding Stella back. Right then she could see such vulnerability in Stella's eyes, such a need for affection and affirmation that it touched her deeply. Scully let herself slide down from the table, grasping Stella's hands as she went. Both naked, except for Scully's heels which she quickly kicked off, they made their way to the bed. As Stella got in on the opposite side to Scully she watched Dana intently to see what she wanted. Scully had been thinking about sleeping in Stella's arms since she'd first thought of it again that afternoon, so as soon as Stella was under the cover she moved closer. They came together rather effortlessly as Stella welcomed the feeling of Dana's body with a heavy heart. Their hands found each other and fingers entwined again as both women sighed deeply. 'Say something,' Scully asked quietly. 'I can't right now,' Stella admitted, fighting the lump in her throat while softly caressing Dana's side with her free hand. Dana watched the struggle in Stella's eyes. 'I'll call Mulder tomorrow,' she offered softly. 'I need time to figure this out before I go back.' Stella lifted her head to look at Dana before breaking into a tender smile, tears forming in her eyes. She didn't say anything but Scully felt everything in the air between them. As Stella leaned down to kiss Dana a tear fell from her eyes onto Dana's cheek. Stella reached up to wipe it away but it somehow shattered both of their resolves, breaking the walls around their hearts that had already been badly damaged over the past few days. Dana's hand came to Stella's neck and gently pulled her down. She pressed into the kiss, tears starting to fall from the corners of her eyes as well. Her arms came around Stella's midsection, hugging her close, her body again becoming a welcome weight in the whirling sea of new love and an old kind of sadness. Stella's lips trembled on Scully's and Dana felt the depth of Stella's emotions. She was slightly taken aback by the gravity of Stella's feelings but it was freeing as well, because it made Scully realize that this was as serious to Stella as it was to her. When the kiss ended Stella put her head in the curve of Dana's shoulder and attempted to dry her tears.
'Dammit,' Stella muttered. Scully recognized the feeling Stella had told her about before, the protector in her wanting to shield Stella from everything bad in the world and everything in her wanting to take the pain away. 'You can cry,' she said, trying to tell her that it was okay to let go a little. She'd seen Stella controlling her tears before and even though she admired that capability she knew it wasn't always good or needed. Stella smiled through cloudy eyes and her hand that had been drying her cheek came to rest on Scully's stomach. 'I promised myself not to do this,' Stella said softly. Scully frowned a little. 'What do you mean?'
Stella didn't move except for her hand that reached for Scully's again, needing something to hold on to. 'I don't usually do relationships, like you said. But just now I asked you to stay here, with me.' She sighed. 'It's hard to open up to an unknown future.' Scully moved back a little to search for Stella's eyes that were already looking up at her. 'Hard, yes, but not impossible. We never know what the future holds,' she said. 'I've seen miracles happen, have experienced things I cannot explain. This, whatever we have, doesn't need to be explained and it doesn't need to be predicted.' Stella nodded quietly. 'It feels very frail somehow.' Scully shuffled back into Stella, resuming their earlier position with their clasped hands on Scully's tummy. 'You are so strong for putting yourself in this position,' Scully wondered. 'For someone who doesn't do relationships you sure know how to make people feel loved.' Stella smiled. There it was, the thing she'd been scared of saying, right in front of her. The opportunity came out of nowhere and Dana was fully unaware of what she'd said, but Stella felt like this moment was too substantial to let it slip.
Holding Dana's eyes she softly but desperately held on to her hand. 'You are,' she answered profoundly. 'You are loved.'