"After the shooting I never thought I wouldn't be back, I expected I would go to therapy and come back but that was how I thought when I was driving home. Once I was home and I got in the shower and I saw a 16 year old girls blood coming off my body and being washed away in the drain something changed. I was washing away this girl as quickly as I shot her, I thought of my daughters and how I had basically taken the life of my own daughter. I broke down in the shower and Dickie was the one who had to help me since Kathy was at work, and I kept thinking my kids should not have to see their father like this, it wasn't fair to them."
"You went through something big, El, your kids wanted to be there for you" I told him softly
"Not like that, they couldn't see me like that. I told Dickie I was fine and I grabbed a beer and went to bed. I started thinking more and more and I kept thinking how I couldn't believe how close she was to killing her and I couldn't live with myself if something happened to her. For a few moments I wasn't feeling guilt, I was feeling relief."
"Who is her?" I asked him half knowing and yet half curious, I knew she only pointed a gun at Sister Peg which I could see Elliot worrying for as she was someone of the church, but the other woman she pointed the gun at was...me.
"You know it's you, Olivia" He admitted and I felt the guilt
"It's not your fault, Liv. I made a choice, and as much as I hated it, I don't regret it. At the time I kept getting nightmares, I was seeing her face everywhere and then I was seeing my daughters face on her body as I took that shot and then I was seeing me be too late and you bleeding out. I drank, I drank a lot to try and get rid of the images. I was disgusted with myself, Liv. I was so drunk that I forgot to pick up Eli from school a few times, I fought with Dickie, I told Maureen, my own fucking daughter to stop being a slut when she tried to tell me that her and her boyfriend were moving in together" He said as he let a tear fall, I slowly brought my hand up to his back as I slowly rubbed it in an attempt to soothe him.
"Kathy finally had a enough and she left me, and it was just years of drinking and pushing my kids away. One day I called Kathleen and I knew she was at work" He said taking a shaky breath and I moved closer to him so he knew he wasn't alone.
"I called her and I told her to tell everyone that I loved them, and that I was sorry. It was on a voicemail so I thought it would've been ok, I thought I would have had time to do it" He said and my body tensed, if he was about to tell me what I thought he was I was going to break.
"I kept looking down the barrel of my gun and when I put it in my mouth for I don't know how long but, I sat on the floor crying and I couldn't see anything because of the tears but I felt all of these arms wrap around me holding me as I cried. Finally I felt a hand on mine slowly pull the gun from my mouth and I broke down, Maureen, Kathleen, Lizzie and Dickie were all there on my floor holding me telling me that they loved me and they needed me. They stayed with me for a few days they talked to me and we all agreed I would go to therapy. That was 4 years ago and to this day I am still in it." He told me proudly but I couldn't stop the tears running down my face as I moved my body and held him tightly. I never knew it was that bad, every mean text I had ever sent telling him how much he fucked up by leaving me was regretted, every time I had wanted to go to his house to see him, and I decided that if he was sorry he would come to me instead made the tears fall even more.
"Liv, I don't want you to blame yourself. I was an asshole and I know that, but you didn't know, and I never would have let you know. I couldn't let you see me like that"
"El, I never would have judged you. I would have tried to help you. You meant more to me than anyone, you were the one person I couldn't lose and when you left I thought I did lose you. But hearing that you tried to kill yourself Elliot, then I really would have lose you and I couldn't live with myself knowing that you were hurting so much and I wasn't there for you." I said taking his hand in mine tightly
"I'm ok now, Liv. I'm still here, and honestly I got a lot out of therapy. There was so much in my life since childhood that I had been holding on that I didn't even realize that I was holding onto. I feel good now, I know there are things I can't change, and I can only move forward but I am excited about life, I love being with my kids, I love new opportunities, I love just waking up in the morning now and knowing I'm still here. There are a lot of regrets that I have and I can only be in control of the ones I am able and willing to change, and one of them was leaving you like I did and I want to make an effort to be your friend again, Liv." He was being honest and sincere and I could feel that, I knew I missed him as much as I was mad at him, I missed him.
"I would like that, El" I smiled at him as a tear fell down my cheek as we both remained silent for a few minutes.
"You know I'm glad that I was right, but I always knew I would be" He said breaking the tension, which made me look at him with a confused smile
"When the adoption centers said you werent prime parent material, and I told you they were wrong. Noah is very well mannered and he is kind, Liv, you know how hard it is to find kind kids? You've done amazing. Makes me proud to know you" He complimented me making me smile.
"Thank you" I whispered. We locked eyes for a minute just smiling at each other till we finally got up to go check on the boys, when we got to the living room we saw both boys passed out on the floor making us laugh quietly at the two of them.
"We should probably get going" Elliot said as he was about to lift a sleeping Eli
"You guys can stay" I offered him without even thinking but I really didn't mind.
"I don't want to impose"
"You never said that before when you were drunkenly showing up at my door" I laughed making him smile and nod his head
"You can put him in Noah's bed with him" I said as I picked Noah up and brought him to his bed to tuck him in, I moved him over a bit so Eli would fit too. I kissed Noahs head and said my good nights
"Good night, sweet boy. Mommy loves you" I whispered as I made my way back out to the living room. Elliot and I sat on the couch watching TV for a while before I announced I was going to bed, I brought Elliot a pillow and a blanket to the couch and before I left he grabbed my wrist and pulled me into a hug.
"I've missed you" He whispered
"I missed you too" I told him truthfully
I laid in my bed replaying everything Elliot told me tonight, I wish I could have told him how much he had hurt me but now it just seems ridiculous. He was trying to kill himself and I was pouting that the man I loved had left me. I also didn't want to tell him because I didn't want to push him, especially not now. Eventually I fell asleep and got the rest I was desperately needing.
I woke up the next day at 6:30 to the smell of coffee and for a second I was confused but my confusion was wiped away with a smile when I remembered Elliot was here. I stretched and pulled a cardigan over my tank top as I made my way out to the kitchen.
"Morning" I said softly as I sat on the bar stool watching Elliot make coffee in my kitchen.
"Good morning" He said with his big Stabler smile as he handed me a cup. We both took a sip and looked into each others eyes, I could tell there was something on Elliots mind.
"So about last night" He started and I put my cup down to give him my full attention. "I know I laid a lot on you and I'm sorry for that"
"Don't apologize, El. I needed to know"
"You did, but the problem is, I don't know what you went through"
"None of that matters anymore, El. You were struggling worse than I could have imagi-"
"Liv, it matters. You know how I told you I've been in therapy for 4 years?" He asked and I nodded
"Well, and you don't have to if it's weird, but if you would like, I would love for you to come to a session or two with me. I want you to tell me how you felt and everything you went through. I know that after I told you everything you thought that your feelings didn't measure up to my struggles and they do, Liv. We were both struggling for different reasons but it was a struggle nonetheless. I know you don't want to tell me because you think it's irrelevant now or you think that if you tell me or get mad at me that I'm going to go over the edge and be back in that dark time in my life again but I promise you, Liv I feel better, I have a will and a want to live and to live life at its fullest. I don't want you to hide from me because if we want to start over I don't want there to be any words or feelings to be left unsaid."
I was shocked, this was not the Elliot that I once knew, he let out his feelings with his fist not his words.
"Where is the real Elliot" I half joked to him
"He's still here, don't worry. Instead of punching lockers I punch the bags instead"
"I want to tell you things, Elliot it just doesn't seem neces-"
"It is, Olivia. I want you to get mad at me, yell at me, I want you to get it all out because I know you've been holding all of this in"
"I'll think about it"
"Well you are still thinking about the game today, so I'm gonna need an answer for one of them" He said with a grin.
"Still an impatient son of a bitch" I teased as I took another sip of my coffee "I'll go"
"To which?"
"The game, Noah and I will come to the game with you guys"
"One outta two, I'll take it" We continued to sip on our coffee till we heard laughing from Noahs room and we knew the boys were awake, once they ran out Noah was holding his baseball glove and ran to hug me.
"Morning mommy" He said as he cuddled into my legs before I bent down to pick him up to hug him tighter
"Good morning, sweet boy"
"Mommy can we please please please go to the game with Eli and Mr. S?"
"Hmm, let me think about that" As I pretended to think about the decision I already made
"I guess so"
"Yes!" Noah yelled jumping from my arms to go to Eli
"Fun being a parent sin't it?" Elliot asked with a chuckle
"You can never say no to them" I told him with a laugh.
A few hours later Elliot and Eli went home to get ready leaving Noah and I to also get ready for the game, Noah wore his jersey and jeans while I wore a black and white striped shirt and jeans with my hair straightened. Once we were both ready we went downstairs to meet Elliot and Eli and drove to the game.
Once we arrived at the stadium and went to our seats which were really good they could not have been cheap, Elliot said he would be right back leaving me with the two boys. They were both talking about the players and jumping up and waving at the mascots making me smile.
"Boys, look at me" I said to them as they turned and smiled while I captured a picture of them.
"Who's ready to play ball!" Elliot yelled as he came back down to the seats with his hands full, I pulled his seat down so he could sit easily as he handed a hot dog and soda to Eli and one to Noah.
"What do you say?" I asked them
"Thanks dad"
"Thanks Mr. S"
"And for you" Elliot said handing me a hot dog and a beer
"El, you didn't have to ge-"
"Nonsense, it's a baseball game, Liv. It would be inhumane to not eat a hot dog while watching a game. Some may say that those who don't eat a hot dog at a baseball game will cause us to lose" I laughed at his assumption and took a bite of the hot dog.
"Thank you" I smiled as I took a sip of the beer to wash it down
"Oh and I almost forgot" He said as he reached back in the box and placed a hat on my head
"You have no team spirit so we had to change that" He told me as I took the hat off to see what it looked like and it was a simple black and white New York Yankees logo on the hat.
"Can't take any chances, Liv" He said seriously
We watched the game and cheered for the Yankees, I was definitely getting into the game even yelling at the other team when they would get a home run. I looked over at the boys and saw them standing up and cheering so I snapped their picture again. I didn't want to admit it, I would rather say I was forced to do this for my son, but the truth is, I was having a really good time with Elliot, and the boys.
It was now the seventh inning stretch and the 4 of us were talking and laughing while we watched the people dancing onthe jumbo tron to the music that was playing
"Now it's time for our favorite part of the day" The announcer said as a song started to play neither one of us paying much attention.
'I don't want another heartbreak
I don't need another turn to cry
I don't want to learn the hard way
Baby, hello, oh, no, goodbye
But you got me like a rocket
Shooting straight across the sky'
"Look" Elliot said pointing and we saw the screen said kiss cam as couples laughed and kissed, some were strangers or friends so it made it funny.
'It's the way you love me
It's a feeling like this
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss
It's that pivotal moment
It's impossible'
We continued to laugh and smile at some of the people who were picked, some of the elderly couples made my heart flutter. I looked over at Noah and Eli who were watching every one and saying cooties.
"Uh Liv" Elliot said tapping my arm
"Hmm?" I said looking at him and he was pointing at the screen. The screen that was now filled with mine and Elliots shocked faces. I started smiling out of nervousness and shook my head no, but people kept cheering and they wouldn't take the camera away from us.
"Kiss her!" People yelled
"Kiss the man!" Some more people yelled but I kept laughing and saying no
"Mom! You have to, it's the rules! Noah said
"Come on dad!" Eli encouraged and I thought the camera would eventually shift but then I felt Elliots fingers on my chin turning my face to him, he looked me in the eyes and smiled as he brought his lips to mine and placed a soft kiss upon my lips.
'This kiss, this kiss (Unstoppable)
This kiss, this kiss
Cinderella said to Snow White
How does love get so off course
All I wanted was a white knight
With a good heart, soft touch, fast horse'
People cheered for us since we finally kissed but it was short and sweet that people wanted more. When we pulled away Elliot looked at me with red cheeks and smiled nervously at me.
The song continued to play as it scanned other people in the crowd to get them on the kiss cam, finally the song was almost done and we would get back to the game, but then we saw that we were once again back on the kiss cam screen.
"Give her a real kiss!" People yelled
"It seems the crowd has found their favorite, but I think they are wanting more" The announcer said, I could not beleive this was happening, hopefully once the song ended this would be over with.
'It's the way you love me
It's a feeling like this
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss'
"You want a real kiss!" I heard someone yell making me snap my head up at the voice because it was not just anyone, it was Elliot who was now standing up smiling as he grabbed my hand and pulled me up to his lips. At first I did not move my lips but I eventually gave in and relaxed under his touch as he twisted his fingers through my hair and kissed me passionately, the people that were once cheering loudly were now muted, I had blocked everything else out except for the feeling of Elliots lips.
'It's that pivotal moment
It's unthinkable
This kiss, this kiss (Unsinkable)
This kiss, this kiss'
The kiss felt never ending and I felt my whole body melting, for years I had wondered what it would have been like to kiss Elliot Stabler, and now here we are.
"Alright love birds, I think you have satisfied everyone in the crowd" I softly heard the announcer but it wasn't until I felt a little tug on my pant leg
"Moooom, gross" Noah said making me pull away laughing at Noah but when I looked back at Elliot he wore the same look as me, want, confusion, satisfaction, lost, and maybe just maybe, love.
We continued to watch the game together as normal but we both knew it was no longer normal. Our feet had somehow gotten closer, my knees were turned in his direction,his shoulders now touching mine and his hand hanging off the arm rest contemplating whether or not to rest it on my thigh. I didn't know what the future was going to hold, and I was still confused and I could see Elliot was too, but one thing that was for sure, we had both confirmed the feelings we both had pushed down for years and years in that second kiss.
Once the game had ended we walked out together and Elliot drove Noah and I back home. The boys were talking the whole time and the silence between Elliot and I was awkward.
"Good Ga-"
"You have fu-" We both began to talk in unison making us stop and laugh
"You go first" I told him
"Did you have fun?" He asked me
"I did, it was a good game, and it was fun to watch the boys get so excited" I said not mentioning the kiss
"Yeah, that was good" We were both quiet again
"Liv, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfor-"
"You didn't" I interrupted him. "I was surprised, but I wasn't uncomfortable"
"You would tell me if you were though right?" He asked nervously and I could tell he was thinking hard about this. I reached over and grabbed his three middle fingers in my hand and squeezed them.
"I would have told you, I wasn't uncomfortable and I'm not mad about it" I said reassuring him as I let go of his fingers.
We pulled up to my building and Elliot got out to say goodbye. He gave Noah a fist bump and said his goodbyes, and I saw him lean his body into me for a hug but he pulled back and stuck his hand out quickly for me to shake. I starred at it for a moment trying not to laugh as I took his hand and shook it slowly.
"Thanks for joining us" He said quickly as he went back to his car while we walked up to the door, I looked back and saw Elliot hitting his head on the steering wheel, I walked back over to him and his window was now open.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid, a handshake Elliot smooth move, real smooth" I heard him say to himself making me giggle as he looked up quickly
"Liv, did you uh forget something?" He asked nervously and I shook my head no as I leaned down closer to him and kissed his cheek.
"Thanks for today, El" I told him with a smile as I walked back to the door, I looked back at him again and he had a big smile on his face as he waved goodbye to us.
Elliot was right, if he wanted us to start over we had to be open and honest with our feelings, that didn't just mean the good, it also meant the bad. All of it. If I wanted to start a real friendship or even a relationship with him, I needed to be honest with him about everything, even if it hurts.