Courage Is A Woman

Chapter 14.

Our Last Night.

"If a person is able to do to others what she fears may be done to her she may no longer be afraid."

Quietly Stella found her robe and fetched another one from the bathroom. When she came back Scully was sitting on the side of the bed, hands next to her clutching the side of the bed, her hair falling in perfect waves along her cheeks effectively hiding her face. She was still naked, having abandoned her panties somewhere between the sheets. Stella thought how housekeeping would find them if she left them there but honestly she didn't care and she knew that at this moment Dana didn't either, so she left them and quietly handed Dana the robe. Dana lifted her chin and looked up at her with shining eyes. 'Thank you,' she said earnestly, referring to so much more than the robe. She stood on slightly shaking legs and tied the terrycloth piece of comfort tightly around her waist. Stella extended her hand as she finished fixing her own robe and Dana took it gratefully, remembering to grab the remaining wine as well. They slipped on some shoes for the short walk and Scully reached for Stella's key card that was on the table by the door, handing it to her before collecting her own and leading the way back to her own room. They didn't run in to anyone in the hallway and Stella was grateful, knowing that it wasn't really a secret what they'd been doing and she wasn't sure of Dana would be comfortable with being seen like this. She smelled the wine in her hair and felt it stick slightly to her neck and she chuckled. 'What?' Scully said, her voice soft and rough around the edges. 'I just realized that you're right, this is a mess,' Stella admitted softly as she followed Scully back into her room. 'We can shower later, right now I just want you close,' Scully said and Stella nodded, pulling her closer by the hand as she closed the door behind her. She put her arms around Scully for a sweet moment before grabbing two water glasses from the tray table by the door with a single hand and following Scully to the bed.

She watched with a warm heart as Dana climbed on the bed and settled against the pillows. Stella divided the wine between them and put both glasses on the side table before joining Dana, pulling her body flush against hers as soon as she could. Scully buried her chin in the collar of the robe as Stella felt her hands on the tie around her waist. She directed her eyes to where Dana's hands were busy untying her robe and she smiled inwardly. It was such a simple pleasure but such an important one to feel one's skin against another and Stella was glad Scully trusted her enough to reveal that this was her need. 'You're incredible,' Scully said into her neck as she succeeded in untying the robe. Stella felt Scully's hand on the small of her back pulling her waist closer to her own and she relaxed against Dana's body. 'So are you,' Stella replied. 'You're much more experienced,' Scully said almost shyly, 'So I don't think it's fair to compare.' 'You're wrong,' Stella whispered. 'If it was just sex, then yes, but I'd say I'm as inexperienced as you are.' It was the best she could do and Scully felt the truth of it down to her core. The slight break in her voice and the gritty hoarseness that Stella allowed gave away a lot more than she would have dared to reveal mere days ago. 'Anyway, I'm not comparing,' she added. 'Sorry if I'm asking too much,' Scully offered softly. Stella shook her head lightly. 'Never apologize for asking for what you need. It's a sign of strength. Too often we're told that our needs aren't important but they are imperative to our happiness.' Scully smiled into Stella's naked shoulder. 'Self-love and self-destruction,' she remembered. Stella sighed deeply. 'There are certain lines I cannot cross,' she said, and Scully shifted closer in silent strength. 'It's not because I don't want to,' Stella continued, 'it's because it's the only thing that's going to make me strong and independent enough.' Dana felt her lean back and she felt her eyes on her face. Angling her chin upwards she met Stella's eyes. 'I don't agree,' she said softly, 'I know we're strongest together. But I understand and deeply respect that your life has told you differently. I'll never ask anything of you that's too much.' Stella looked down across Scully's face, uncomfortable with how she was the vulnerable one. 'Come nightfall tomorrow there will be more questions than answers between us,' Stella said, 'And I don't like uncertainty in my life.' Scully nodded. 'I know. You have a lot of shit to deal with and so do I. We'll talk, Stella, I promise. We won't lose touch.' Stella sighed. 'Maybe give it a few months,' she requested quietly. 'Maybe it's best if we get our lives together first.' Scully moved a finger up to cover Stella's lips. 'Shh, we can talk about the technicalities tomorrow. Let's not ruin a perfect evening.' Stella smiled and kissed the finger that felt warm against her chilly lips. It fell down to lie on the side of her neck and she covered Scully's hand with her own. 'I'm hungry,' she whispered with a smile on her face. Scully frowned and Stella's heart warmed at the wrinkles that formed between her brows. 'After that burger? Wow…' Stella chuckled. 'I'll order room service,' she said but she didn't move a muscle.

Later, a few hours past midnight, they were cuddled up on Scully's bed. There was an empty bottle of wine on the night stand. Stella was wearing one of Dana's oversized cardigans, one of the sides covering Scully's side as well in order to keep them warm. Underneath the soft fabric Dana's arms were wrapped tightly around Stella's body where Stella's one arm was between them and the other held the woolly fabric softly to Scully's side. The air between them was calm and darkly thick, almost as if something had suddenly come down on them and they were grieving the inevitability of the result. However there was an overwhelming feeling of peace surrounding them as well as they had both accepted that this was their last night in New York. There was no room for depression but they had both accepted that a certain level of wistfulness as inevitable and maybe even healthy as it would lead to them spending their precious time as fully and wholly as possible. They were both on their sides and Stella had her chin tucked safely on top of Scully's head, almost hiding her from the world. Somehow she could feel a question approaching and in some way she already knew she wasn't going to like it. Her heart was so open that even the slightest movement or sound seemed dangerous, but she couldn't find the strength to shield herself. After a few minutes the unspoken words became too loud in the air between them and Dana finally spoke, the question already heavy on her mind.

'What was her name?' she asked quietly, her voice slow-motioning through the words. 'No,' Stella said rather forcefully, as if on instinct.

'It's okay,' Scully pushed, encouraged by the alcohol in her system, 'I'm not her. And you're the one who's leaving.' 'That's not fair,' Stella answered, turning on her back to face the ceiling. 'You haven't asked me to stay.' 'Would you?' Scully said, moving to her stomach and leaning her head in her hands as she watched Stella. 'You know the answer to that,' Stella said, shortly making eye contact before returning her attention to the ceiling. 'Now sleep.' 'I'm afraid to close my eyes, because I'm afraid you'll be gone when I wake up,' Scully confessed loudly to the quiet room, her voice breaking in honesty and vulnerability like a mirror dropped on a cold concrete floor. 'If I want to leave, are you going to try and stop me?' Stella's icy voice said seriously, analytically. Scully frowned at the clarity with which Stella spoke – how on Earth was she mustering this kind of eloquence after two bottles of wine? 'No,' Scully finally said, 'And that's what I'm afraid of.' Stella finally granted her the courtesy of eye contact, rolling back onto her side to face Dana once more. Scully's weak heart faltered as she saw something there she had seen before, however briefly, last night when Stella had woken up from her nightmare. Fear and dependency, the two things she knew Stella feared the most in her heart. Only this time it wasn't just a flash – no, it was there, openly, for what seemed like hours for Scully to absorb and recognize and form an opinion on and judge – but she didn't. She just smiled sweetly, reassuringly, and raised Stella's hand to her lips. 'I love you too much for you to be gone tomorrow morning,' she said, repeating her earlier confession, disguising it in a sentence and in a slur of alcoholic bliss more for Stella than for herself. Stella watched how Dana kissed her knuckles and then moved her fingers to catch Dana's chin before laying her hand back down between them. 'I won't leave,' Stella said quietly. 'Get some sleep.'

Scully tucked her head back onto her pillow, shifting a little to get comfortable. Stella turned on her back but her hand found Dana's, locked their fingers and moved their linked hands to lie on Stella's stomach. Scully pulled the blanket a little higher around them and moved a little closer to Stella to put the soft fabric of her cardigan between them. She entangled her legs with Stella's as if to lock her to the bed and closed her eyes. 'Sleep tight,' Scully whispered and Stella huffed lightly. 'Don't be surprised if I wake you up.' Scully nodded lightly. 'I know, I'll be here.' She knew the darkness that resided in Stella's brain and she knew that Pandora's box had been cracked wide open, but she meant what she'd said – Stella would be gone from her arms after tonight so she'd do everything she could to keep her as close and as safe as possible for however little time they had.

Stella lay quietly next to Dana as she felt her slowly fall asleep. She glanced down once, careful not to disturb the redheaded ball of miracles at her side, and she was relieved to see that Dana was indeed fast asleep. Stella tried to stay awake for as long as possible, softly memorizing the feeling of Dana's hand in hers and Dana's warmth next to her cold vessel of a body. Stella thought back to everything they'd talked to and it sunk in how much Dana had given her and how close she'd come to giving it back to her. Stella knew how to take, but she was just learning how to give and even though it was the hardest thing she'd ever done she knew she'd be better for it. Dreading the moment she set foot in London again Stella tried to imagine what her plan was going to be once she was home, but she stopped quickly after realizing the tears that were forming in the corners of her eyes. She could remain in denial for a little while longer, she decided, and yawned as she turned her head to look out across the buildings that still shone outside. They had left the curtain partially open again and there was a soft light shining through the gap. She felt Dana's fingers tense and relax between hers and she reassuringly squeezed them, reminding her of her presence. She felt Dana move a little beside her and sighing Stella leaned her head into Dana's. The fresh, warm scent she'd come to associate with Dana Scully hung around her, clinging comfortably to the cardigan she'd been handed after another shower. Her hair was slightly wet still, and she remembered how Dana had washed the wine-scented ends for her in the shower they'd shared. After their light dinner she'd shared another half bottle of wine with Dana, asking her to drown the future with her for at least a little while. Dana had obliged her with a weak protest but soon the bottle was half-empty and their hearts half-filled with alcohol induced warmth. It had been that giddiness and borrowed ease that had them against the shower wall again, Stella pinning Dana against cold tiles on one side and her hot body on the other. She hadn't made her come, but they had explored and touched and enjoyed each other as if it was the last time. A few minutes later Stella had promised Scully it wouldn't be, and Scully had cried into her shoulder. It was then that she'd asked Stella to turn away before starting to carefully rinse and wash her hair. Stella had accepted Scully's care and she'd silently stayed close to her while she worked. With a doctor's precision she'd made sure Stella's blonde locks were clean and fresh before dropping a kiss between her shoulder blades and asking her to turn around with a single touch. No words had been spoken – and they'd both been at least a little tipsy – but somehow it had been the sweetest, softest encounter they'd shared. Afterwards, Dana had handed Stella her towel and with a small smile had handed her the cardigan to wear, knowing full well Stella didn't have any other clean clothes in Dana's room. Of course she could have asked or taken other things but Stella had cocked an eyebrow at Dana, taken the cardigan from her and pulled it on before exiting the bathroom to stand in front of the window. It was dark by then and with the lights low in the room she knew no one would see her, but still it had felt dangerous and dangerous was what she'd needed. After a few minutes Dana had grasped her hand and softly guided her to the bed, where they'd finished the bottle that had accompanied their dinner and opened another one after Scully had, laughing like a child, pulled Stella back under the covers before running to the door to get the bottle from the attendant before Stella had a chance to do so in just the cardigan. Shortly after that the robe Scully had been wearing had been abandoned and they'd fallen into blissfully easy conversation about nothing at all.

Remembering it made Stella's heart beat a little faster and she felt a lump form in her throat. Her flight was at six tomorrow evening, and Dana had been right, it had been her plan to secretly leave their bed come morning to avoid an awkward goodbye. She was experienced in that, in awkward goodbyes, but she felt like walking away would have been easier this time – not because she wanted to leave or Dana didn't deserve an honest, heartfelt parting, but more so because Stella wanted to avoid breaking her heart even more. But of course Dana had seen right through her plan and it showed Stella that she'd been foolish – leaving her wouldn't make it easier, it would make it worse because she wouldn't have the chance to look into Scully's eyes and tell her goodbye without telling her she loved her.

Scully woke a few hours later to a stinging feeling in her arm. It was the arm that was trapped underneath Stella's body, and even though Stella now laid partially on her back Scully's arm was still slowly losing blood. Carefully she tried to shift in order to free her limb, but the increasing pins and needles she felt made it impossible to do without moving too much. As slowly as possible she turned further onto her side, trying to lean on her numb elbow and failing, effectively bumping her knees against Stella's thigh. Stella shifted and sighed, an inaudible stream of sounds coming from her lips as she turned back towards Scully. Scully realized how hot Stella's body felt turning towards her and she took advantage of the way Stella moved to pull her arm back towards herself before shifting back a little to put some space between them. She needed the feeling in her arm to return back to normal and as she waited for it to do so she heard Stella whisper something. She turned her head to the side and witnessed Stella's shining skin break out in chills as she seemed almost feverish beside her. 'Don't,' Stella muttered softly. Scully listened intently to the sounds coming from Stella's shaking lips as she watched her face go through a myriad of strangled emotions. Slowly the feeling in Scully's arm returned as well, and she became aware of the lingering warmth and damp coldness from Stella's body on her stinging forearm. She wanted to calm her, to wake her, but Stella seemed quiet again – only for a moment – before she sobbed lightly and whispered something again. Her lips were partially hidden in the pillow, but still, smothered and slightly tensely Stella managed to form three audible words. 'Don't leave me.'

Dana felt a shiver throughout her body as she realized that Stella was indeed dreaming again. Where before the serial murderer had continued to haunt her where he shouldn't be the door had now been opened for other demons. Demons from a past that was longing to be forgotten, but that had been awakened by their earlier conversations – Scully realized she'd probably sealed Stella's fate just a few hours before when she'd asked about the woman's name, the one that had broken Stella's heart for good, the one that kept Stella from truly feeling comfortable with hear heart. They were so different, but Scully related to Stella's struggle so much that she regretted bringing it up – of course Stella would dream about the one that got away. The one that could have changed her entire life, the one person that would have made her happy. Next to her, Stella shifted again and Scully scooted a little further away to look upon Stella's face. Her left hand came to Stella's upper arm, trying with a touch to comfort and anchor her to this reality. 'Don't go,' Stella whispered again, and Scully brushed a few locks of hair out of her face with a finger. She saw Stella's brow furrowed, a light sweat covering her forehead. 'It's ok,' Scully whispered softly. 'Stella, it's ok.' Stella seemed to wince, curling up into the cradle of her own body as Scully returned her hand to Stella's arm. She closed her eyes, unable to look at the vulnerability and intimacy of the personal moment Stella was experiencing in her dreams. She kept her touch light as she contemplated waking Stella up when another few words fell from Stella's lips.

'Dana, don't go.'

Scully froze as she felt every ounce of strength she had ever felt leave her body and come back to it again. Her arms tingled, deeper than before, and her fingers on Stella's arm squeezed softly but wholly unbeknownst to her. There was a deep, haunting moment lasting an eternity where Scully thought she must have misheard, but she knew she hadn't, in fact, nothing in this trip had been clearer to her than the name that had just drifted down from Stella's dream and changed everything. Scully felt her entire body shiver and scooted closer to Stella again, her left hand caressing her feverishly warm back through the fabric of her cardigan and her right hand coming to carefully touch Stella's chin. 'Hey,' Scully whispered softly. 'It's ok, I'm right here.' She felt so much towards Stella that she abandoned the debate about waking her and just settled on the tenderness and care she felt towards this woman, no matter what the outcome. Her hands traveled along the expanse of Stella's back, pressing into the fabric and wishing she could feel Stella's skin there as her other hand found the space between Stella's chin and neck. Instinctively Stella pushed into Dana's hand and what little had remained of the wall around her heart crumbled forever in favor of this woman who had so much to give.

As Scully searched for Stella's face she felt her tense and move a little, signaling her coming back into consciousness. 'Hey,' Scully said softly as she looked into two hazy blue eyes. Stella was quiet for a moment, as if trying to remember who she was. Her face hardened for a moment before it relaxed again, and Stella smiled softly at her. 'Hi, did I wake you?' Scully shook her head slowly. 'No, did you have a nightmare?' 'I don't… know,' Stella answered contemplatively. 'I don't remember.' Scully offered a small smile. 'It's early, try to sleep some more,' she said and Stella heard in the littleness of her voice that something was wrong. 'Did you?' she asked. 'Sleep?' Scully asked. 'Have a nightmare,' Stella clarified. 'No,' Scully said. 'I woke and you felt warm and you were mumbling something so I was afraid I might have triggered some dormant memory.' Stella searched Dana's eyes until Dana turned away, tucking her chin down to her chest a little. 'Any dream that lasts too long becomes a nightmare,' Stella said softly and Scully wondered if she indeed didn't remember. She decided not to ask because it would undoubtedly veer into discomfort for Stella and she still didn't want to risk losing the warmth that laid next to her until she absolutely had to. 'Sleep,' Stella directed her with a kiss in her hair and Scully closed her eyes, knowing she wouldn't but hoping Stella would follow her own advice and find some peace in what remained of the night.

Two hours later she was still awake next to the warm, breathing body that was Stella Gibson. She hadn't moved, and neither had Stella, but Stella's mind had abandoned her for sleep almost immediately after their conversation. By now, the light had risen outside and quiet warmth was spreading throughout the room. Scully disengaged herself from the bed and used the bathroom before starting to pack as quietly as she could. It hurt her deeply to gather her belongings, but she knew it had to end some time, and that time was today. She'd had two hours to prepare herself and she'd used them wisely, devising a plan for the day that would make their goodbye as easy as it could be. Also, she'd spent every moment fearing the second Stella would try to get up and leave her despite her promise, and somehow she felt bad that she hadn't trusted Stella to keep her word even after the words she'd uttered while asleep. And lastly she'd come to the heartbreaking conclusion that Stella feared abandonment as much as she did. However somewhere between those thoughts there should have been some logic, some way for her mind to console one with the other, but there hadn't been. They were just random thoughts that didn't have any weight or meaning, and Scully recognized that as a dangerous thing. So she'd noted in her phone to see her own therapist about this as well, recognizing the symptoms of an inevitable downfall. It had given her some peace, but it had made her want to forget about it as well and so she'd busied herself with gathering toiletries and discarded folders in an attempt to mask and forget her pain. And it worked. At least for a little while.

Stella woke to the sounds of zippers and plastic and cold and loneliness. She was aware of Dana in the room but the second she realized she wasn't beside her a concrete rock called betrayal tried to settle in her stomach. She wouldn't allow it to, she fought it for a moment lying down before deciding the only way to get rid of it was to combat it with something stronger. So she stood, walked across the room and past Dana into the bathroom without so much as a look. Scully sighed, shiveringly, knowing that this was the one thing she didn't want today. She waited until she heard water running in the bathroom before carefully opening the door, delighted that Stella hadn't locked her out. She stood behind her by the sink as Stella washed her hands and face before defiantly meeting Dana's eyes in the mirror. 'Good morning,' Scully said softly, noticing how she still wasn't wearing anything beside the cardigan. 'Morning,' Stella replied, studying her intently with slightly squinted eyes before turning away and leaving Scully standing at the sink. Without another word Stella dropped Dana's cardigan next to the bed and put on one of the robes, tied it around her tightly and exited the room. Scully watched her, sighed as the door closed and nodded to herself. She recognized Stella's distance as something that wasn't born out of anger but out of love and she knew that even if Stella's response was slightly childlike it had been inevitable from the moment she'd left the bed. Inadvertently and unintentionally she'd made Stella experience what she'd been afraid of having to deal with herself, because even if she hadn't effectively left the room she'd still let Stella wake up to an empty space beside her. 'Stupid,' she muttered to herself before continuing to pack.

A few minutes later she heard a slightly apprehensive knock on her door and she smiled inwardly, preparing herself for a steely look but a tender heart as she opened the door to reveal Stella Gibson. Scully smiled sweetly and stepped aside, mentioning for Stella to come in. Casually dressed in leggings and a fitted T-shirt Stella looked more composed than she had before, and apart from the half step she stayed behind her Scully found no cracks in her mask. 'I'm sorry,' Scully started. 'Don't,' Stella said, 'you did nothing wrong. Scully nodded and watched how Stella busied herself with folding some of Scully's clothes. 'I'm going for a swim before heading off to breakfast, if you'd like to join me,' she said. Scully took a folded T-shirt from her and smiled. 'I didn't bring a swimsuit but I'd love to have breakfast with you,' she answered. 'And I thought after that we could go to the library before you leave.' It was an idea she'd had while listening to Stella's breathing, an idea that had stayed with her and formed into the best imaginable version of today. She'd spend the morning briefing Stella on what she'd found while examining the case and that way their relationship could take on a slightly more professional feel before they'd have to say goodbye. Stella considered it for a moment, raising her chin to study Scully before nodding. 'I like that.' Scully moved to the bathroom to gather the rest of her toiletries and she heard Stella's footfalls on the carpeted floor. As she put the tiny bottles in their pouch she looked up, finding Stella's warm eyes in the mirror. Standing behind her Stella seemed taller in her flats than Scully, who was barefoot, and Scully admired the way Stella's low ponytail curled around her shoulder. However her eyes caught Scully's attention again as they pierced and screamed at her until Stella herself couldn't stay silent anymore. 'It's me who has to say sorry,' she said softly, 'because I think I remember promising you I wouldn't leave.' The chaos in her face and her eyes was a gorgeous contrast to the calm and collected posture in her body and Scully smiled at her, lifting her chin and turning around to softly catch Stella's jaw in her hands. She kissed her softly before releasing her and Stella smiled bravely, testing the boundaries of her own heart. 'I'll see you downstairs in two hours, love,' she whispered before turning to leave. She didn't see how Scully nodded and swallowed, but she knew that somehow, today would have to be the day she told her she loved her.