Cough.
Loki stirred. There was something warm underneath his arm. Instinctively, Loki snuggled closer to it, burying his face into the pleasant mass.
He felt so safe.
Cough.
That sound again. Loki made an annoyed noise. He was half-awake now but his subconsciousness was telling him to go out like a light.
Cough.
The sound was getting louder and without opening his eyes, Loki realised that someone was coughing in the room. Slowly coming to his senses, Loki remembered the situation he found himself in.
To his horror, it dawned on him that his brother was still fast asleep. If it wasn't Thor coughing, someone must have been in their room.
Determined not to let the stranger know that he was awake and aware of his presence, Loki kept his eyes shut and tried to steady his breathing.
He must wake Thor up.
With his eyes still tightly closed, Loki tried to inconspicuously move his arm to try to move his hand up to Thor's neck to alert him by pinching him.
"I know you are awake." A deep, confident voice spoke.
Loki froze in his movements. He considered his possibilities. His body felt tense and heavy; Thor did surprisingly good job at tending to his injuries and his magic was doing wonders, but he still felt quite weak. His best shot was probably trying to wake Thor up as quickly as possible and hope that his brother would not be his usual self who took ages to actually put himself to a usable state.
"I need to speak to both of you. So you may consider carrying out your plan to wake Thor up." The voice said. His elegant tone was intertwined with a hint of smug and amusement. Loki knew the voice. Surprised, he opened his emerald eyes. It took a moment for his sleepy pupils to adjust to the light in the room and focus on the person standing in front of the bed.
"Strange." Loki muttered.
In front of the bed, there was the second-rate sorcerer himself. The God of Mischief noticed that the Doctor looked all pompous in his extravagant outfit. His expression was half-amused and half-serious. Loki couldn't decide which half he liked less.
"We haven't been properly introduced. Yes, as you are aware, my name is Doctor Strange. And you are Loki." Strange said in a perfectly monotonous and polite tone. Loki's eyelids slightly closed in irritation.
"Yes. But politeness doesn't change the fact that instead of introducing yourself, you used a cheap trick to make me fall for thirty minutes without any explanation. A trick which caught me off guard, I give you that one. But had I been aware of your presence, you could never even think about competing with me." Loki spoke these words automatically. He didn't like people using his own tricks against him.
"I highly doubt that but anyway," Strange emphasized the last word when he saw Loki's mouth opening to say something. "Yesterday I saved your life. So it seems to me that we are equal."
Saved his life? The hectic events of yesterday were blurry in Loki's mind but Strange's words made him remember the Doctor appearing in the middle of the mess, ordering Thor to bring Loki to his room. Loki hated to admit that in fact, Strange might have actually truly saved his life by solving the boisterous situation.
"What do you want?" The mistrustful god asked instead.
"Now, I want you to wake Thor up." Strange raised his eyebrows as if it was beneath him to repeat what he had said already.
Loki considered the proposal. He didn't like the idea of appearing as if he was following Strange's command. At the same time, having Thor awake would probably be for the best for him as well. Trying to appear as annoyed and unbothered as possible, Loki slowly lifted himself up into a sitting position. The blanket slipped down and he noticed that underneath his tunic there were bandages all over his torso. Sighing, Loki grabbed Thor's shoulder and shook it gently.
"Thor." He said in a hoarse voice. When nothing happened, he repeated his brother's name more vehemently. Still, there was no reaction.
Loki shook Thor's shoulders more forcefully but his brother was a deep sleeper. Instead of waking up, Thor instinctively shot his arms up to grab Loki who, unprepared for the sudden attack, found himself being brought down on the bed. Before he knew it, Loki was lying on his back with Thor's head resting on his chest.
At that moment, aware that Strange was probably dying from laughter, Loki had enough.
"THOR! Wake up you stupid oaf!" Loki screamed at top of his lungs. His damaged ribcage protested against the load of air, but the pain was worth it. Thor's head shot up awake from Loki's chest in confusion. Loki used the opportunity to slip away from Thor and sit back up.
"What is it?" Thor mumbled while looking in all different directions. Finally, his stare stabilised at Loki.
"Little brother? Is everything okay?" Thor asked with a mix of tenderness and worry in his voice. He scanned Loki from head to toe quickly and sighed in relief not noticing any affliction upon Loki.
"We are not alone." Loki answered only, diverting Thor's attention in front of the bed.
"Pleasure to meet you again, Thor Odinson." Strange smirked; it didn't happen everyday that you found a famous and an infamous alien god sleepy in their bed.
"Strange?" Thor stuttered confused glancing back at Loki.
"Stating the obvious has always been your flaw." Loki commented drily.
"Well sorry, brother. I have just been mercilessly woken up to find out a man standing in front of my bed. I think I have a right to be a little puzzled." Thor retorted sarcastically.
"I can't believe I have to say it again but, Thor, we are not alone." Loki gave Thor an important look and to his surprise Thor understood and shut his mouth. Maybe it wasn't well…appropriate for them to argue in front of a man whom they had seen twice in their lives.
"Well…it has been fascinating to observe you two but I believe we have some talking to do." Strange made a dramatic pause to let his words sink in.
"We're listening." Loki commented with a smug on his face. Strange continued, clearly unimpressed.
"Thor, the last time we spoke properly you promised to return to Asgard promptly with your brother."
"I did but as you may have heard, Asgard has been destroyed. We decided to seek refuge on Midgard." Thor replied quickly.
"I see. But are you sure bringing him with you was a good idea?" Strange pointed to Loki who was sitting on the bed with blanket around his waist.
"He is my brother." Thor said only.
"I am aware of the fact."
"What I mean is that we have fought side by side for centuries and we have also done so lately fighting against Hela. I believe that if we are to defeat any threat to the Nine Realms Fury mentioned and subsequently rebuilt our home, we have the best chance if we do it together."
Loki was listening carefully to Thor's monologue, unsure what he thought about it.
"That is…nice." Strange commented. "But can you promise me that your brother doesn't have any extra intentions?"
"No." Thor said after a moment of hesitation. Loki smirked. "But I chose to trust him and I am asking you to do the same."
"I don't need you two talking about me as if I wasn't in the room." Loki hissed, trying to hide his blushing cheeks.
"That's actually right. So, Loki, why did you come to Earth with Thor?"
Immediately, Loki visualised his pride and punched it. Why did he have to get involved in the conversation? Now he had to answer the uncomfortable question to which he didn't know the answer.
The problem was that no convincing lie was coming to Loki's silver tongue. He couldn't exactly say something like The last time I was on Midgard I really enjoyed its panorama. Neither could he play it cool by saying something self-satisfied such as I thought you were in desperate need of qualified leadership. He also knew that Strange wouldn't buy playing a sentimental fool saying something such as I love my brother deeply and the idea of leaving him alone after our home was destroyed just didn't seem right. No. The only option left seemed to be the truth.
But what was the truth?
Loki knew he was taking a risk by coming back to Midgard with Thor. So why did he actually do it?
This question was popping up in Loki's mind but he was always trying to push it away.
As the master of lies and deception, Loki knew that people often found it easier to forgive others for lies rather than the truth.
Especially if those in need of forgiveness were themselves.
Letting the truth dawn on him may bring undesirable sentiment or vulnerability to the God of Mischief; the emotions he had forbidden himself to feel a long time ago. They always, always, let to more pain and disappointment. Loki knew that more you care, more you have to lose. But then Loki remembered what Frigga told him once.
It's much harder to lose when you show that you care, but you'll never win unless you also stand to lose.
Loki smiled sadly. The traditional presumptions about his family were distributed completely wrongly, except for Thor, of course. He really was the good-hearted yet temperamental hero. The rest, however, didn't fit.
Odin was the deceiver, the master of lies, the conqueror. Not Loki.
Frigga was actually the perceptive master of magic. Not Loki.
And Loki was…well Loki was the fifth wheel.
Stop. This is how the Other and…him would want you to think. You can't let them win.
Loki tried to concentrate his mind back from unproductive self-loathing to the original question. Why did he come back to Midgard?
Remembering Frigga's wisdom once more, Loki understood that his mother was able to convey profoundly deep ideas in sentences deep in themselves. He was aware that this idea described his inner conflict perfectly.
Truth be told, Loki realised that he would probably be able to reach for the truth that was hidden in the deep end of his brain. Loki knew it was there. Yet fear was keeping him from grabbing it and bringing it to light. It was much safer to keep convincing himself with the lie that he didn't know exactly why he came back to Thor.
Yet this was the no-win, no-loss option. Loki's feelings would not be shattered to pieces if he didn't let himself truly feel his brother's love towards him and more importantly, his own love towards his brother. It was not only his brother, of course. If Loki pretended he didn't really care about what the Asgardians thought about him coming back, he couldn't be disappointed by their lack of appreciation. It was safer to pretend that he came back for some selfish reasons.
So was he a coward to let the stalemate cloud his brain? Trying to think about what Frigga would say, Loki understood that she would probably point out that it is easy for others to judge him as a coward considering that they have never been in his shoes. None of them has lost so many times. They haven't lost the trust in and of their family. They haven't lost their sense of self. They haven't lost the respect of their father for trying to gain his respect. They haven't lost their sanity while being tortured by some hideous creatures in a place too scary to name. They haven't lost the ability to talk about the horrors they had experienced despite knowing that talking about them may be the only way to make people accept them back to their lives.
They haven't lost their freedom. They haven't lost hope. They haven't lost their ambitions.
Their passions.
They haven't lost themselves.
Once, Loki had stood to win. He tried to make his adopted family proud by doing what he thought his father would approve of when he would have awaken from his sleep. His father would have been proud and he would finally believe that Loki could be a valuable enrichment to their family, rather than burden. That he can be Thor's equal who can stay by his side, not in his shadow.
Yet Loki lost.
Hard.
Since then, he lacked…conviction. He was doing things half-heartedly. He either didn't truly care or he did and so he pretended not to care.
Or he pretended to be passionate about something when in fact he wanted to lose.
Magically, despite all of this, Loki was able to win back Thor's affection. His brother, who seemed to be finally indifferent towards him, turned out to be only testing him. Giving him one last chance. And Loki passed the test. Since Thor's mind has always been less complicated than Loki's convoluted one, this was enough for Thor. He was just happy to have his little brother back.
Maybe it was time for Loki to try to win once more. To truly let his passion, his emotions and his determination to shine. To let himself truly care.
It was the only way to win.
And the trickster liked the idea of winning.
With a deep breath in, Loki finally answered Strange's question.
"Because I didn't want to be alone anymore."
First of all, I am sorry for not updating for a while. The exams are peaking.
Secondly, I am sure that some of you recognised that "Frigga's quote" was actually a quote from the fantastic Tom Hiddleston. The quote came to my mind naturally while I was writing and I decided to include it because of two reasons. I believe it fits Loki quite well and also, quite simply, I believe it to be one of the most accurate descriptions of life. I find it incredibly powerful and true.
Thirdly, this story has reached more than 100 reviews and 150 followers. Wow. I feel very flattered and I need to thank every single one of you who has been reading. Thank you. Thank you very much.
And lastly, we should be getting some more communication with the Avengers soon and the long promised interrogation by Fury is also looming behind the horizon ;)