A/N: Hey! I am SO SO SO sorry for the long delay! But I have almost finished the next update, if only to buy your forgiveness!
I do hope you enjoy this and don't hate me so much!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS
Friday is our day – no, my day to see Beth, and the fact that it is all happening in a Friday makes me laugh bitterly; she's 20 now, she is as badass as Puck, as outspoken and strong as Rachel and Shelby, everyone says she has my eyes but hers are more expressive and shinier than mine, specially now. She's almost my height now and I can feel her shaking as she hugs me, it's still a few more hours until the funeral but I know just how heartbroken she is, Rachel was many things to her, a sister, a friend, a mom, a confidant, a mentor I actually think, sometimes, that she loves Rachel more than me, not that I blame her though.
It was love at first sight for those two; Rachel always supported my decision of giving her away even when she always said it wouldn't be a problem for all of us to live at her house. She was there with me when Beth was born after our performance at Regionals. Even though she was the team captain no one objected when she left with me and Puck to the hospital; still in our regional's outfit she put on the hospital robe and her brave face, she held my hand through it all, she threatened to throw Puck out if he didn't stop complaining and became useful, she cried when Beth was born, she cut the chord and she was the first to hold her.
I could see how she had fallen in love with the baby and it broke my heart to know that she wouldn't be able to hold her once again, that I wouldn't be able to hold her once again, but it broke my heart even more when Rachel half whispered: Why?
Why Shelby? Why couldn't it have been someone else? Someone none of us knew? Why her?
If I didn't think I could feel worse than I was already feeling, then hearing and seeing Rachel when she made the question made me realize I could always feel worse. She was looking at her hands, trying not to cry, or yell at me or something, avoiding eye contact, she even flinched away when I tried to hold her hand. I had been trying to not cry, I had been trying so hard that my chest hurt, but when Rachel came in to the room and when her low broken voice reached my ears and when she flinched away and the first small tear fell I broke, I couldn't hold it in any longer.
So I broke.
We both did.
I apologized for everything, for past offenses, for past words, for everything. I apologized with all my heart and soul, hoping she would accept it, hoping she would see I was truthful… hoping I wouldn't lose her too.
I told her I wasn't thinking about her and her relation with Shelby, I told her she was the first one who wanted Beth and that she was willing to give her everything, so I said yes. I apologized for being selfish, I apologized for hurting her again, but I told her I didn't regret giving Beth to Shelby because I knew she would be good to her.
And now looking at her, all grown up I am glad I made the decision. Beth did grow up well, and it didn't matter that it took me a few years to get the courage enough to contact her because she had Rachel's ability to forgive, she absorbed so much of my Rachel that it both hurts and doesn't hurt to look at her.
My Rachel, I am so happy they both got time to spend together. I just wish they could've had more time.
I wish I could have more time.