"You don't have to do this you know? Leave that is, you could spend the night Q".
Trying my best to hold myself together I stop walking and look over my shoulder to see my friend's eyes, as blue as ever and as full of worry as they have been since … Since she left us, me.
"I just think it would be best if you stayed with us tonight, you don't have to be alone right now".
My eyes burn from all the tears that they have shed, it has been a hard day, a very long and hard day. The wake, the funeral, the speeches, everything had just been too exhausting and I just want to shut everything out.
I can see Santana taking Britt's hand in hers and I can't help but to feel jealous, and angry and proud at the same time and a couple of tears manage to escape me. They went through so much together, highschool, college, a couple of break ups, but they have always been there for each other and I couldn't be happier about it. They both loved Rachel and I know they're breaking too, but at least they have each other to hold on to.
I can see Santana's eyes and I can see she wishes I could stay, she wishes I would just stay and let them be there for me. But I can't, I can't break. They can fix each other, but not me, so I barely shake my head and she barely nods in understandment.
"Thanks Britt, but you guys ought to be together right now."
I try to summon a smile if only to ease her worrisome eyes, but I can't.
"Don't worry okay Britt? I'll just go back and sleep for a while. We'll see each other soon okay? Really I'll be…"
"You'll be what? Fine? You can't lie to them."
I take another breath and I try to finish the sentence, but I know I can't, I am too tired, I just whisper a small Goodbye and turn to leave. Just as I get a hold of the doorknob I feel a soft warm hand on my wrist and I close my eyes, wishing it was Rachel's but knowing those hands are too big and too rough to be hers. I open them and I see Santana, her eyes shinning with tears and pleading me to say; the tears are now falling freely and hearts are breaking again, I didn't think it possible but it hurts more than it did seconds ago.
Santana's hand is heavy on mine now and the air seems somehow thicker, I just need to get away. I shake my head as more tears fall and leave their house.
/*/
I can barely hold the steering wheel as I drive back to our… my empty apartment; the thought brings tears to my eyes but I hold them back. My heart breaking so hard I can practically hear it, no matter how loud the music on the radio is playing.
…Here comes the sun (doo doo doo doo)
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right…
I stop, just stop the car and stare at the radio in disbelief…
How? After all these years… How is this song still on the radio?
… Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right…
I can't breathe. Out of all the songs in the world why did this one have to be playing right now?
…Little darling, the smiles returning to their faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right…
I can't do anything else but laugh, laugh through the heartbreak and the memories this song brings. Laugh at the desperation and the sadness.
And before I know it I am crying again.
…Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes…
And before I know it, I am humming the words.
And before I can stop myself I start to sing.
What else could I do?
…Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right…
I sing between laughs and sobs.
I sing through the tears.
…Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right…
The song is about to end and I wish it didn't.
… It's all right …
And I laugh because everything is far from it.
A loud car horn snaps me back to reality, I turn the radio off and I drive again.
…It's all right…
I had always loved The Beatles, their lyrics might not have been the deepest or anything but there was always something about them I found soothing.
It had only been a couple of months since … since Beth and I hadn't been really dealing with any of it. Finn had started being a little bit friendlier (I suspect it was Rachel's influence), Puck couldn't look at me, the Glee Club were trying desperately to cheer me up, even Brittany and Santana were looking at me like they were worried. Everyone was expecting a meltdown, and I was trying my best to avoid it but it was getting harder and harder with everyone treating me like I was made of glass. The only one treating me normally was Rachel, her hand rarely left mine those days and it was the only thing keeping me grounded.
Days went by and I was starting to fear that I had lost the ability to feel, I started training and running and pushing myself extremely hard but, nothing. I couldn't even feel the exhaustion from the work out.
I was desperate to feel something again, but I didn't want anyone to see me. I guess, I needed to break, but to break in front of anyone? No, I couldn't… I shouldn't.
But it happened, God it happened.
I was sitting on a bench at the mall and I saw him walk by, my father, he was with someone, a coworker I suppose, they asked him if "that girl on the bench wasn't his daughter?", he looked at me, right at me and said "No". I already knew that was how he felt, but it stirred something in me. It made me realize, I was no one's daughter, or mother, or sister, or girlfriend… I was no one's nothing.
I walked back to the Berry's, shaking, trying my best not to cry until I got there; and when I did I ran up to the guest room, I played a Beatles mix I had made and cried. I cried alone until I felt Rachel getting up in the bed with me and I felt her arms pulling me closer to her, her scent was a little bit comforting and I kept my eyes closed.
"Rach… I'm nothing"
I could feel her shaking her head and I pulled her closer to me, trying my best to control my crying but I couldn't, I couldn't stop it, it just kept coming, more tears and sobs and I just pulled her closer and closer trying to get lost in her.
"I'm no one anymore."
She made me turn around and look at her, tears on her own eyes. She wiped my tears and gave me a small kiss on the forehead.
"You are someone to me Quinn. You always will be".
She smiled at me and I made her promise that she wasn't lying. I promise she said, she said it over and over while I cried it all out.
Here Comes the Sun started on the background, and she sang it, she sang it just for me and I smiled for the first time in months.
I can hear her singing those words over and over and it gives me the strength to enter what used to be our home.
I walk straight to the bedroom to change, but I can't get in the bed, it was supposed to be our bed, ours, and without her in it it's just cold and hard, like stone. I grab a couple of blankets and set up in the living room crashing down on the couch.
… It's all right…
And I fall asleep holding on to the sound of my memories.
Song used was: Here Comes The Sun by The Beatles