A/N: Once again, I apologize for the tardiness of the update. I keep getting caught up and blocked. But, here it is. I hope it was worth the wait.
All mistakes are mine.
Sometimes when there's too much sadness trapped inside one person they stop feeling, a defence mechanism of sorts if you will.
When the grieve is too grand and their dark place is quickly approaching they numb themselves, they get trapped in the mundane, the insignificant and meaningless every day actions, things that don't require them to think, to focus or to feel, things that can be done on autopilot, they go to places and are around people who don't require any real feelings, with whom they can be on zombie mode.
It is a way of self-preservation, a personal dose of anaesthesia to tune out of their own thoughts, to make days shorter and nights duller.
A drug to keep the memories away.
And that's exactly what I have done.
After a month of sleeping in the living room I've decided to move permanently there, I've bought a couple of those "build-yourself" type closets where I put all my clothing, rearranged the contents of the bookshelves and tables so that I could put all that I needed there. I put all the bathroom stuff in the guest bathroom and closed off the main bedroom, too many memories, too many skeletons, too many ghosts threatening me, mocking me. Too many feelings that I locked in there too.
I wake up everyday, shower, get dressed, have the occasional breakfast and go to work; they had given me 5 weeks off, but I couldn't stay away for more than 2… I needed the distraction. I have lunch, occasionally with a co-worker but preferably by myself, they keep looking at me like I'm a fragile glass or porcelain figure that could break easily. I go back to the apartment, eat something, go out for a run – which became a silent run when I realized every single song I owned reminded me of something Rachel related - , return to the apartment, take a shower, fix some dinner and sit on the couch watching TV until my eyes close and its suddenly time to wake up again.
My mother calls every other day, if she can, Hiram and Leroy do too, Beth comes every Wednesday to have lunch and Britt and Santana stop by daily and if they can't they call; they all talk and I listen, and I nod or shake my head, I even speak on occasions but generally I'm just barely paying attention which I know they notice but decide not to comment on. I haven't done anything stupid and they are content with that.
The route from the apartment to work had to be changed and now it takes twice as long than it did before, since the apartment was carefully chosen so that we passed in front of the theatres everyday, but I can't even bare to think of them, let alone see them!
It seems I can't really tolerate a lot of things nowadays, Broadway being the main one, but also flower stands, a specific vegan ice cream shop on the corner of the street, the diner one street down from work, Barbra Streisand, Christmas Carols, ballads, anything Disney related, soy… even bacon seems to make my heart twist inside my chest.
/*/*/*/
It's been 3 months since "The Event" and everything feels the same, or well doesn't since my ability to feel is still broken, which I find relieving. I don't need the distraction, I don't want it, all I need is to be able to wake up, do my job and sleep… The latest being the biggest issue.
Everyone kept their check-up routines and schedules, but I can feel them getting more and more restless as the days go by. Beth keeps trying to get me to go to the movies (I tried that a couple of weeks ago, I hadn't realized it was also on my "avoid" places), the Berry Men want me to go visit them over at Lima, they think it'd do me some good to get out of the house but I don't think they realize it would be far worse to go back to the place where everything started; Mom has said on numerous occasions that she wants to come stay with me for a while, to which I have refused.
Santana, however, has been more direct and blunt about the whole situation which has caused multiple arguments between us; I suppose between her and Britt too. She never developed the ability to be sensitive or patient and apparently she thinks that sitting down on my ass all day is just making me even more depressed. She has stopped by everyday for the last couple of weeks and all our conversations have gone basically like this:
"Three months Quinn! Three entire months you've done nothing but sit here! I swear that couch has your ass printed in it so deeply no one else can use it!"
"Leave me alone Santana."
"No, Q. I won't! You need to shake this off! I'm worried about you, Britt is even more worried! You're being selfish!"
And the yelling and tears begin…
"Shut the FUCK UP Santana! I'm being selfish!? SELFISH!? How about you lose Brittany and then we'll see how you cope huh!"
"Don't go there Quinn! Why do you always do that?"
"Why do you come here and tell me what to do? How to grieve? How dare you!?"
"Q, it has been three months…"
"YES, SANTANA! THREE MONTHS! WE WERE TOGETHER FOR BASICALLY 20 YEARS! AND YOU THINK THREE MONTHS ARE FUCKING ENOUGH!?"
"Quinn… I'm sorry. Please just, stop crying. I just want you to feel better. I've told you time and time again you should sell this place, or at least lease it and, if you want to, come stay with us for a while."
"Get out."
"Q, come on! Just-"
"Get out Santana. NOW!"
Her last visit ended just a couple of hours ago, this time she pushed it too much so I pushed her out of the apartment. And now I find myself looking at the mirror, seeing someone I don't recognize looking back. Some tired, pale, pathetic shell of a person with death, empty eyes whom I stare at for a long while and I start feeling angry, more and more angry with every passing second, until I get tired of that ghost looking back at me and I trash the mirror. Seven years of bad luck my ass, I had 20 years of pure unaltered luck and happiness, there's no recovering from that. Santana wants me to go out? FINE! I'll fucking go out!
I shower, put on a pair of fitted jeans, a black shirt and I head out to the nearest bar. When I get there I can't step inside, Rachel and I went regularly there; it has open-mic nights you see. All these memories come rushing back and my chest starts to feel constricted but I am not backing out on this. I just get a cab and decide on a club I once went with Santana, as soon as I enter I go straight to the bar; I ask for a whisky with apple soda and I drink it all in one go, the bartender gives me questioning look when I ask for the second one but serves it anyway, this one lasts a bit longer but it still disappears really quickly so I ask for another one, and another one, and another one.
Somewhere around the fifth or sixth drink, I look around to scan the people in it, I can't find any guys nearby but I do spot a couple of girls making out in a corner, I assume it's "Ladies Night" but I really couldn't care less, I just want to get a few more drinks and head out.
The bartender suggests I should take a little break after the eight, or was it the ninth drink? And points me to the restroom so that I can freshen up a little bit. In my blurry haze I spot a figure trying to get across the dance floor and my heart leaps to my throat as I do a double take.
Rationally I know what the reality is, rationally I know it is not possible… but rationality went flying out of the window along with the seventh or eighth drink, or maybe it went flying out the window 3 months ago. All I know is that a few steps away from me I see Rachel.
I ignore the voice in the back of my head reminding me it is not her and I stumble out of my booth making my way behind her. She's wearing a black fitted dress I notice, long legs they are not as long or graceful as Rachel's I notice but I also bury that thought. I guess she realized someone was walking behind her because she comes to a halt and looks at me over her shoulder and our eyes meet… well, her eyes meet mine at least, everything is blurry as the alcohol hits me like a train and next thing I know I have her pinned against a wall in the corner of the bar and I'm pressed tightly against her body. She's a little bit taller than Rachel, or maybe it's just the heels she's wearing but I can't really concentrate since her lips are on my neck and her hand is on my hair pulling me down for another kiss.
Everything starts spinning around me, the bright lights, the smoke, the heat… my head starts feeling light and I grip onto the girl's waist to keep me up, but she mistakes my actions for something else, there's a small moan and I can feel her breath hot on my neck.
I need a break, my throat feels dry and I tell… what ever her name is, that I need to get a drink. She nods, takes my hand and leads the way to the bar. The bartender spots me and serves me my drink and the girl asks for a cranberry-vodka. Halfway down my drink, some other girl comes by to greet what ever her name is, they greet cheerfully and I assume they know each other, she introduces me but by the time I shake the other girl's hand I have already forgotten her name. I've never been one for names, it all started back in high school when I would pretend to forget someone's name to get under their skin and somewhere down the lane I just stopped paying attention all together. Rachel was the one with the perfect memory.
While they talk I have the opportunity to really look over at the girl in the black dress, well as "really" as I can at the moment, everything is a little bit hazy but she has strong features, dark hair down to her shoulders, no bangs, her eyes are not as big as Rachel's nor are they as beautifully coloured. Her jaw isn't as strong and her legs have nothing on Rachel's either, but there's enough resemblance to keep me interested. She must sense I'm staring because she turns to me with a seductive glance and winks at me, and for a second all I see is Rachel, it is so intense I have to close my eyes and down the rest of my drink, signalling the bartender to serve me another one, which I finish right away. When I open my eyes again Rachel's gone and what's her name is still talking to her unnamed friend, the alcohol is hitting me and I'm having trouble concentrating. In my daze I see her licking her lips and there's a little bit of glistening sweat drops on her neck and I realize I am going to need more alcohol to make it through the night.
Their talk extends long enough for me to finish at least two more drinks, but by the time I put down my glass they have already said goodbye and what's her name is looking straight at me, her eyes are shinny and the lights behind her make her glow, she moves slowly towards me looking directly at my lips, its hypnotizing… or maybe it's just the alcohol. I rub my eyes, enjoying the stars behind them and the feeling of tickling in my hands and feet, the lightness in my chest and the vibrations the music makes on my stomach. I like that everything stops feeling so heavy and suffocating.
I register a familiar tune playing and I feel what's her name's lips on my ear, her hot breath sending chills down my neck as she half whispers, half commands.
"Dance with me"
Before I can react, she's already pulling me to the dance floor and I stumble, I am trying not to fall and make a fool out of myself. My legs are wobbly and my sight unfocused, but all I care about is the blissful carelessness this drunken state is causing in me.
I can feel her lips moving against my earlobe and I try to focus on the words she's singing, but the lights are too bright and I can't concentrate. She drapes her arms around my neck pulling me closer to her, teasing my lips with hers while she continues to sing, everything is starting to spin really fast around me, the lights are too bright, she's too close to me and I close my eyes hoping I won't pass out.
The tune is so familiar, I feel like I'm being transported through the notes. I need to know what song it is, I try to concentrate, to lean forward so what's her name sings straight to my ear. I am suddenly too hot and the spinning is way to fast, it is all just a shinny, hot blur and time is not running properly.
"…I can breathe you in.
Two shadows standing by the bedroom door,
No, I could not want you more than I did right then,
As our heads leaned in …"
She kisses me and all I can think about is Rachel, that song, the kissing, the heat.
It all blurs into one moment. Suddenly it's not what's her name and we're not in the club. It's Rachel and she's singing to me, looking at me, licking her lips and pushing me against her door. I remember this moment, the first time she kissed me after Kurt's birthday party on sophomore year. The light taste of alcohol in her lips
"… Hold my breath as you're moving in,
Taste your lips and feel your skin.
When the time comes, baby don't run, just kiss me slowly …"
I'm kissing her back, hard. I haven't kissed her in so long I can't control myself… only, there's no door pressed against my back and there are bright lights hurting my eyes through my eyelids, I barely register that's not Rachel's tongue licking my lips but the lights are too intense I can't open my eyes.
"Rachel"
That's all I can think about.
"Rachel, Rachel, Rachel"
"What is it? Do you want to stop?"
I smile at the lips pressed against mine, I recognize that voice.
"God no!"
I don't know if I say that out loud or not, but I kiss back, fiercely.
I register a loud moan on my ear and I'm confused, that's not Rachel's voice. I try to pull back but everything's too blurry, I'm too dizzy and if I open my eyes I might fall.
"… She stood by as it fell apart,
Separate rooms and broken hearts,
But I won't be the one to let you go …"
I distinctly hear the emphasis Rachel used on the "go", she said over and over again. She wouldn't let me go; she wanted to make sure of that. She presses harder against me as she said it. I grab her harder, rougher, by the hips. I need her to reassure me she really isn't letting me go.
She bites my lip, moving her hands from my hair to my neck. She bites down hard, with urgency and I pull her harder into me.
Finally my back hits the door, the blinding lights are gone and I think this might be real after all.
"… Hold my breath as you're moving in,
Taste your lips and feel your skin …"
There's no extra heat besides the ones from our bodies, I know she's not singing anymore since her mouth is currently roaming down my throat but I still hear her voice in my head, strong as ever and I decide this is real. I want it –no, I need it to be real.
There's a sudden change of roles and she's the one with her back pressed against the wall, I try not to tumble over and my leg ends up between hers, I think I've found the source of all the heat.
There's a gasp and a moan, it's not mine but it is foreign. It's not Rachel's either, or at least I think it's not. Damn, I shouldn't have drunk so much.
I need to stop.
"Don't run away"
It's not sung and it's not Rachel's voice. What am I doing? This is wrong, she's not Rachel, at least not right now…. Wait, that doesn't even make sense. I feel too dizzy, too blurred. But suddenly I feel her moving against my leg and I forget what I was trying to do.
"… And it's hard to love again,
When the only way it's been,
When the only love you knew,
Just walked away ..."
"Oh God"
I'm too hot, too far gone. I realize I'm lying on the bed and there's a hand creeping up my chest, I guess I'm not wearing a shirt anymore. I move my hands and I feel hot skin underneath them, I trace them downwards until I reach the back of her knees and I hold on tighter making her jump a little bit and then she's pressing down against me.
I try to open my eyes but I can't, I barely open them and everything starts to move around. Too fast, too sudden and I close them back again. I don't- I can't lose her again.
"… Just stay with me, baby stay with me …"
I move my hands up, barely touching her and it's not until I realize I'm running them through her back that she's not wearing any clothes but her underwear, well at least I think she's still wearing her underwear. I know I'm still wearing jeans because I can feel her trying to undo the button, and then pulling the zip down. She leans into me and I feel the hotness of her chest on mine and her tongue is licking my neck. I shudder as she causes goose bumps wherever her tongue passes.
She pulls me up slightly, pulling my neck upward with a hand as her other hand starts to make its way down my clothing. She's almost there, she kisses me fiercely again and teases me.
"Oh god, Rachel…."
She bites down on my neck and moves a little bit more with her other hand, I think I moan, but I can't really tell, there's this sudden outburst of white noise and I can only make out Rachel's voice singing the last of the song.
"… Hold my breath as you're moving in,
Taste your lips and feel your skin.
When the time comes, baby don't run, just kiss me slowly… "
Song used: Kiss Me Slowly by Parachute