The soft sand beneath her feet combined with salt air and a soft breeze was nothing like the hell of the desert she'd known not so long ago. Ziva had dropped her bags in the room she'd share with Gibbs and made quick time toward the beach.

She'd barely told him she was heading out the door before she'd raced toward the ocean. The first touch of water on her toes had her closing her eyes. Savoring the silken feel of it against her skin, she lifted her face to the mid afternoon sun. She knew the private cottages they were staying in on the island didn't come cheap and for once she didn't care or question, just took it all in. As a group they'd decided not to wait to head to Hawaii, instead, leaving as soon as the first flight and packing allowed. Now only four days after that first thought, they were in what felt like heaven to her. She raised her face to the sun once again and found a smile.

Gibbs watched her bask in the sun and felt the sharp burn of tears. The fact Tony stood next to him did nothing to temper them. "I wish I could make it better for her."

Tony gave him a rough smile. "You are Gibbs. You just can't see you're too close."

Gibbs shook her head. "It doesn't seem enough after what she's been through." He glanced at Tony then back at Ziva. "I'm going to marry her."

Tony looked at Gibbs and grinned. "Figured as much."

"I don't know when she'll be ready. She thinks it's about… I want her to know it's about her. The fact it's been her for a long time. Not about." he stopped realizing what his words would reveal.

"I can imagine what they did to her Gibbs, even if I don't know the details. So I get what you're saying. And though it doesn't need saying you're a good man for wanting to prove it to her. It may take her a long time to get there."

"I can wait. I loved her when that wasn't a possibility. And if it never was I still would." He saw Tony nod absently. "She told me though that she wants babies. From what I gather, more than one."

Tony nodded, "That doesn't surprise me, Ziva's strong. You okay with that?"

"More than okay, even though it surprises me to say so." Gibbs watched her turn to him, she offered him the slightest smile and he knew just what she needed. "You guys get unpacked we'll be back in a bit."

Tony nodded, watching as Gibbs walked out to the ocean and Ziva. His heart hardened by his own losses shuddered as he watched Gibbs approach her ever so slowly. Carefully Gibbs wrapped his arms around her and they stared together out at the ocean. With a sigh Tony moved toward his own room. Hoping this trip gave them all the peace they needed.

They walked together, holding hands but not saying much until Ziva pulled him down to sit in the sand next to her. "I am grateful Vance was able to get the ID packet together for me. Otherwise we could not be here now."

"I knew he would. Are you ok?"

"I am managing. I am still afraid and I do not like it. I understand it but it is not what I am used to feeling." She sifted sand through her fingers, forming a small mountain that she carved out with her fingers. "I am afraid I will disappoint you."

"Me?"

Ziva managed a small laugh at the obvious shock in his question. "I do not know if I will ever be enough of who I was to go back to NCIS, or that type of work. You will say it is too soon to think about. But it is almost the only thing I have thought about since I was captured. I trust you, and for the most part Tony, McGee and Abby. But even with them… I do not know if I can ever trust an order given to me again. I always knew my father had his issues with me. But never." She stopped speaking when the words became too much to speak aloud. Dropping her chin to her knees she stared from the water to the sand and back again.

"Nothing about you being alive could disappointment me Ziva. I can tell you I know you can trust the team. But then you must have believed you could trust your father. What I do know is it doesn't affect how I feel about you. If you choose to never work again it won't make me think less of you. I've always respected your abilities, been proud of what you're capable of but you're still all of those things whether you work or not. I know you and you'll never let those skills go. You could work for yourself, or open your own security business. Or you could stay home and raise children."

Ziva turned from staring at the ocean to smiling at him. His last words had been softer than the rest and even now he wasn't quite looking at her. "I would have thought the idea of children would make you uncomfortable. Yet since I mentioned it.."

"I'm not young Ziva, most women think it's past time for me. And then there's Kelly. I'll always mourn her loss. You understand that you always have, but that doesn't mean there won't be times her memory doesn't hurt."

"We will both live this life with our demons Jethro." She took in a breath let it out and turned back to him. "If you could forget her I would respect you less." He didn't say anything but she watched the slight shudder in his shoulders. Before he too turned out to the ocean.

"How are you feeling Ziva? I'm not trying to pry but you were hurting pretty bad the other day."

Ziva fought the blush and met his gaze. "Better it's mostly over and the pain is nearly gone. But I don't think I'll be ready for."

Gibbs cut her off "That wasn't why I was asking Ziva. The doctor said a minimum of a month, and even after that month it's all about when you're ready. I need you; next to me, feeling you breathe knowing you're safe. The rest will come when it's meant to."

"I am afraid Jethro. Not of you, never of you but the idea of.." She stopped taking a harsh deep breath. "The physical act, I cannot imagine it without feeling like I am back in that place."

Her hand tightened around his and he squeezed back. "You're brave Ziva and you know how I'm certain that someday you'll get there? Because, you can share that with me. You aren't hiding from your fear. You don't like it and it makes you angry but still you acknowledge it. For some people that takes a lot longer. Whether it's a month from now or a year from now Ziva you'll get there and if it's me you want I'll be here."

"I should smack you on the back of your head." She caught his look and scowled at him. "Do you honestly believe there is anyone I want but you? Do you think I survived that hell just so I could say I did? I lived for you, for the possibility of us, because I knew the one thing I wanted and had ignored for too long was you. The only reason I can even consider being with someone or having children is because I see you. You holding me, your children, that is what keeps me going and it isn't the pain of coming back or the fact you saved me. It is that I have a second chance and I refuse to throw it away."

The determination in her voice left him little room to argue and despite the small voice telling him it could in fact be her fear leading her he pulled her close. "If I had known Ziva…I should have looked sooner."

"Again Jethro I gave you no reason to. You had no reason to think I was in danger, and you did save me." She pushed her bare toes into the sand and laughed when it tickled. "I like it here already. Thank you for bringing me. I'm not up to it yet but a few more days and I think I would like to dance, maybe do a small hike." She waited for him to object.

"I think that sounds nice." Damn fool that he was he almost asked her right then and there to be his wife. Instead he forced the words back and grinned at her. "I trust you too Ziva. You've been nothing but honest about your recovery so far. So I choose to believe that if something is too much you'll tell me."

Biting back tears she pushed up from the sand and nodded. "I will, I want to feel better, to heal. Pushing myself will only make that take longer it is frustrating. There are times I am tempted to push through but I am reminded it would do me no good. But, I think it is time we got back to the group. I am hungry."

Ziva woke the next morning the now familiar warmth of Gibbs wrapped around her. He wasn't fully asleep but neither was he fully awake. The faint buzz of awareness in her body had her breath catching as she let her hand slip between them. Just the slightest touch had her hand reaching beneath the white cotton of his shirt. The muscles beneath her fingertips clenched lightly. Still her hand slid higher pushing his shirt up until he was shrugging out of it.

Her body burned, her mind wanted but the demons danced too close. Instead she snuggled closer tucking her chin under his chin and pulling in his scent with long breaths. "I need this, even if …."

Gibbs took a long breath of his own and held her tighter than he should have, "It's enough Ziva, more than enough."

"But you want more."

"As do you Ziva. I'm a patient man." Again words he had no business saying almost forced their way out.

Ziva nodded trying to push away the uncertainty when her gut told her he was holding something back. "Jethro I promise to be honest with you as I have been so far. But I ask you to be the same. If this closeness is too much for you, sharing a room is too much I can stay with Abby." She saw his look of confusion and suddenly felt the same. "You are holding something back. I am not so far gone I do not recognize that much."

Gibbs smiled even as he stroked her hair back from her face. "No Ziva I need this as much as you do. Just things I don't think you're ready to discuss yet." He watched her face the war in her eyes as she chose between pushing him or letting it go. He was surprised when she nodded and tucked back into him.

GZGZGZGZGZGZ

Abby nudged McGee as they sat watching the very typical Luau unfold before them. "This is good, look at her. Whether you meant it for all of us or not, you did good."

McGee watched as Ziva seated next to Gibbs smiled in wonder at the colorful dancers performing. "I'd agree." Their third night on the Island and Ziva seemed far more relaxed. Though overall she was still a vastly different woman than before they'd found her. She was gaining weight but still the harsh edges of the desert still lingered. The bruises were gone, with only the scars at her neck and wrists visible. Just the faint flash of silver skin in the firelight, still he felt those flashes as if they were his own. Only a few hours restrained as she had been and he could clearly remember the pain. His body didn't hold the same scars but he knew quite clearly what it had taken to put them there.

"Smile McSerious you're going to make her think something is wrong. She's already looked at you twice." Tony managed a smile of his own when that quickly McGee pasted an almost realistic smile on his face. He understood though. The Ziva they'd known was gone and that was painfully apparent now that they had spent more than a few minutes with her.

Her senses were constantly on alert, and Gibbs was ever present. He might have worried but it seemed the same for them both. The need to be near each other was equal between them. Right now she was laughing, full of joy and holding tight to the hand that Gibbs offered. But in his mind it was hard to fight the image of her broken, bleeding and the knowledge of what she'd endured.

Abby saw Ziva wave at three of them and motion them back toward the seats they'd abandoned to get drinks. She nodded before turning to the guys. "She will get better, maybe not the way we would expect but she'll get there."

"They watch me closely still. Do I still appear so .." Ziva swallowed hard before taking a sip of fruit juice.

She was watching the dancers and smiling but Gibbs could see the slight strain being around so many people was causing. "They watch you because they care Ziva, because they need to be reminded you are healing. And because they fight the urge to ask you outright."

"You ask me." Her eyes skipped from the dancers to his.

"I know if I ask too much you'll let me know. They're not so sure yet." He looked down at their hands and managed a smile. "There is less distance between us." The slight upward curve of her mouth, the softening of the discomfort in her eyes stole warmly through him.

"I know I ask too much of you sometimes." She watched him shake his head.

"Not too much just what we both need." He took in a breath. "Tomorrow I thought maybe we'd take a long walk in the morning. You can't start training yet, but we could work on building your stamina if you'd like." It was almost too soon for even that but he could see the restlessness she was fighting. The smile that simple statement earned felt better than any medal he'd earned.

"That sounds perfect. We can get up early before the sun, that way I can see my first Hawaiian sunrise with you."

Gibbs felt the tight grip of emotions threatened to push words out she wasn't ready for. With great effort he managed something inane instead. "And maybe you can finally get some swimming in." he'd expected a smile not the slow dimming of joy or fake smile she tried to offer him. She turned back toward the dancers making it clear the conversation was over.

Only two hours later and Ziva stepped out of their bathroom fresh from a shower knowing Gibbs had let the conversation go. Yet, still it remained hanging between them. He had slipped out of his clothing into loose sweats. He paused before slipping into bed as she spoke. "I would have to wear a bathing suit in order to go swimming." She saw him nod before sitting in the chair by the window. "I do not wish to be so uncovered. "

Gibbs remained quiet waiting for her to share what still hadn't been spoken. They'd spent days lying together, he'd known there was more she hadn't said but he'd pushed her enough that whatever she'd continued to hold back could wait. Her eyes looked away covering every corner of the room before returning to his.

"There are more scars, that would be far more noticeable in a bathing suit." She felt tears in her voice and hated them. "They would be uncomfortable for anyone to see."

"Then we'll find a way for you to not be so uncovered. I don't care what anyone else thinks but I don't want you to be uncomfortable."

"I did not tell you because I did not want you to be even more upset not because I do not trust you." Ziva stepped toward him. "You cannot change what happened and I know the physical reminders upset you."

He was forced to bite back a curse. She should have been worried about how she was feeling not how he would react. "They upset me Ziva because I didn't do a better job of protecting you."

She shushed him with a finger on his lips. Any other time it might have been a provocative gesture especially given the way her hands then went to the tie at her waist, except for the fear skittering through her eyes as she turned her back to him.

The snow white cloth loosened till it draped against the base of her spine. For just a second he could see the faint swell of her buttocks but his eyes barely noticed. Instead pain touched off every nerve ending. Angry red welts just beyond the first stages of healing lay upon her skin. Too many to count, too many to allow him to breathe properly, his fingers reached out touching the network of rough skin that threatened the stability of his stomach and his mind. Rage clouded his thinking until all he could do was rest his forehead against the patchwork map of pain.

Hands on her hips his mouth traced the least healed lash mark. Trying to push away the nauseating image of a whip breaking through her skin his mouth continued following the mark until it led to another and another.

Never had a man cried for her, not one, until the man brushing his lips against her back. His tears rained against her spine across every welt and ridge of tissue almost like a healing balm. "Jethro, you don't."

"I'm not done." Rough words barely given voice but they revealed more than he'd expected when she stilled. "Am I hurting you?"

"No." In truth as his hands held her still and his mouth worked across her skin, the moment she'd thought would be her greatest pain shifted into something else. He hadn't intended it, didn't seem to recognize it yet. His mouth continued up just over her shoulder, across the nape of her neck and back down along the curve of her hip. Everywhere the brutal whip had crossed so too did his kiss. Healing in the way only he could.

He'd tasted every last mark ready to repeat the movement when her breath hissed out stilling his hands. He began to raise the robe back toward her shoulders. "You said I wasn't hurting you." She turned in his arms and he was hit both by the feel of her bare skin against his and the mix of fear and need in her eyes.

Ziva shook her head. "You were not."

"I see that now. I wasn't trying for," he had to pull in his own rough breath as he fought his own body's reaction to her nudity.

"We will both be in trouble when this is truly your intention." His smile was a reward for her honesty. "I do not mean to frustrate you. If you need…some time alone."

The blush on her cheeks as she looked down between them was as endearing as it was arousing. "Are you asking me if I need to get myself off Ziva? Would you want to watch? Would it make you feel safer knowing I'm not so in need of you?" He saw the shock, the heavy rush of desire that flooded through her. She hadn't expected such blunt words. "Or perhaps that's something you need. Something to take the edge off?"

His words weren't far from the mark. She needed something to help her past all the confusion of need and fear. But even that had shame creeping in her mind. His fingers on her chin forcing her to look at him snapped her back to him. "Don't you dare feel shame; there is no shame with us. I want you and you want me. We know this. When and how we choose to act on that is up to us and what your body and mind can handle. But you have nothing to feel ashamed of. No emotion, no desire and not even any memories. Do you understand me?"

"Yes." He smiled again and she didn't feel the disappointment she'd expected when he straightened her robe around her.

"Tonight we'll rest and tomorrow we'll start walking and find a way for you to swim." He stopped before heading in for his own shower. "If you can wait Ziva I can wait."

Ziva stared at the bathroom door for a long time after he shut it behind him. Finally with a smile she put on her pajamas and waited for him to join her and tomorrow.