It's week three of Hermione's season airing on MBBC. Cho and Luna hunker down for another night of trying to guess which man is the one Hermione is engaged to. She's given them little to no information.
"Okay," said Luna, dragging in a poster board containing pictures of all the men. "We've had a week to think about it. Who are you thinking, Cho?"
"I still don't have a clue!" Cho moaned. "I can tell you more who I don't think it is. I don't think either of the men from the one-on-one dates are the winners."
"See, I could see it being Severus," said Luna.
"NO!" Cedric shouted from the kitchen.
"Oh, okay? What is your opinion, Cedric?" asked Luna.
"Viktor Krum," said Cedric, coming into the living room armed with a bag of cheese curls.
"Cedric just wants to meet Viktor," said Cho. "I still feel like there are too many guys to tell. I'm not calling it yet. But I would be very surprised if it were either Severus or Ron."
"We haven't discussed the group date rose, Draco," said Luna.
"Fuck that guy!" said Cedric. "If it's that guy, I'm out."
"Hermione obviously sees something in him that we don't," said Cho, "but I feel like the charm will wear off there. Nope, I think the winner is still hiding somewhere in the masses."
The program began, and the trio sat down.
Gilderoy Lockhart entered the mansion and gathered the men, date card in hand. "Gentlemen," he began, "you should by now have spent enough time with Hermione to realize what a phenomenal woman she is. I don't think I should have to remind you just how precious all of your time with her will be, and it only gets more crucial as more of you go home." He paused for effect. "The group date last week was very stressful for Hermione, for obvious reasons. She regrets that she had so little time to spend with those of you who were on the group date. So, she has decided this week to split you into two group dates. There will also be a one-on-one date. As always, there are roses up for grabs on all of these dates. If you are on the one-on-one date, and you don't receive a rose, you will go home immediately." He handed the date card to the man nearest to him, Ron. "Good luck, gentlemen. The first group date leaves in one hour."
Ron opened the date card, stood up, and read, "Neville, Draco, Cormac, Viktor, Oliver, Tom, Zach, and Dean. I picture us together. Hermione."
"That's a lot of blokes she's picturing herself with," Lee quipped.
"That's a weird way to split us up, too," remarked Justin. "You know, it's not how we usually divide ourselves."
"I doubt Hermione is concerned with who we're friends with in the house," said Draco, rolling his eyes. "If you came here to make friends, you're missing the point."
"I think someone's mad his Death Eater bro went home," Dudley muttered.
Draco glared at him. "You want to say that louder?"
"I don't think I have to," said Dudley. "What are you gonna do about it, anyways, pretty boy?"
"Hey, you know, can't we just put that behind us now?" asked Oliver. "It doesn't do any good to fight among ourselves."
"I'm not the one who brought it up," spat Draco.
"You know, Dudley, I don't think you realize just how sensitive of an issue that is," Harry offered.
"I realize I was attacked," said Dudley, "and I realize who supported me and who didn't. Blondie," Dudley said, cracking his knuckles. "You just remember what happened to your little friend, alright?"
Draco drew his wand, and Marcus held him back. "Dude, it's not worth it," said Marcus.
RON CAM: "Geeeez, that muggle has got anger issues! I mean, I get it, Draco's not anyone's favorite, but, now it just feels like Dudley's purposely trying to stir up trouble to eliminate more blokes. It's not cool."
DEAN CAM: "That muggle has got BALLS! He needs to lay off Draco...or Draco needs to lay off him...I honestly don't know who I'd put my money on here."
SEVERUS CAM: "Bumbling idiots, the lot of them. Their days are numbered if they're gonna keep acting like children. Oh, wait, they are children."
SEAMUS CAM: "I really want to like the muggle, because, you know, it's nice. On paper, it's the right thing to do. But...I don't think we got the best one, erm..."
DRACO CAM: "The way I see it, what we have here is someone who has stumbled into a situation where he knows he's in way over his head. He's not smart, he's probably top dog where he came from, and now he's trying to overcompensate for his lack of magic. I don't give a crap that he's a muggle. If he comes at me, I will defend myself. But Marcus is right. I can't make the first move. I do hope he hits me though. I mean, when he hit Blaise, that was one thing, but I've done nothing to him. He'll be going home for sure."
The men met Hermione outside. "Hello, boys!" she exclaimed.
"Hiiii Hermione," said eight deep voices.
"We'll be going by Floo," she said. "Follow me!"
"Wait, we're using the one in your cottage?" Neville asked.
"Why is everyone so surprised by that?" Hermione asked. "What do you think you're going to see?"
In fact, the men had all had discussions about what they thought Hermione's cottage looked like, and what she might be doing there while they were apart. But Neville shrugged, and the men snickered nervously as they entered the cottage and stepped one-by-one into the Floo.
They emerged into a room that had been set up for a photo shoot. Gilderoy was already there being photographed. The group gathered around and watched as Gilderoy posed effortlessly for the camera.
CORMAC CAM: "Ohhhh hell yes. This is my date! I am so pumped! IT'S CORMAC TIME!"
"Gentlemen, welcome!" Gilderoy exclaimed with a flourish. "Welcome to MBBC studios' photography room. This is where we do all of our photo shoots for show promotions."
"Oh, yeah, I thought this was familiar," said Dean.
"Yes, you've all been here before when you were chosen for the show." The men all nodded, except for Cormac, who was gazing around with a puzzled expression. "I'll let Hermione explain exactly why you've been brought back."
She stepped in front of them and beamed. "As most of you are aware, I'm very passionate about the rights of magical nonhumans. Today, we're going to be participating in a photoshoot for a calendar with some magical nonhumans. And the proceeds of this calendar are going to support magical nonhuman rights."
"Cool," said most of the guys.
"Umm, I'm sorry. Can you be more specific about what you mean by 'magical nonhumans'?" Draco asked.
"That's just the politically correct term for any living thing known only to the wizarding world. Everything from pixies to giants are magical nonhumans," said Hermione.
"Oh, okay," said Draco.
DRACO CAM: "I'm really not into this whole activism stuff, but if it's for Hermione, I'll do it."
Hermione continued, "Each of you will have a companion creature in your photo that you can choose. The creature you choose will determine which month you are, and what you will wear."
"Dibs on the speedo," Cormac said. Everyone laughed.
"You've got it!" Hermione exclaimed.
"Oh, that's a real thing? Oh, alright," said Neville. The men all looked at each other, and it became painfully obvious why they had been chosen for this date. The men assembled were probably the best looking in the house.
"Don't worry. You won't have to do anything you're not comfortable with," Hermione said, distracted by Cormac removing his shirt and pants. She turned red. "Ummm...there are dressing rooms."
He flexed. "It's Cormac time!"
"Ohhhhkay," said Hermione. "I guess we'll begin!"
Hermione accompanied the men to meet the creatures they would be posing with, as Hermione, too, would be in the calendar. Hermione was posing with a house elf named Dobby. She changed into the pillowcase inspired dress.
ZACH CAM: "Damn, Hermione is still hot when she's wearing a pillowcase! What a woman!"
DRACO CAM: "If you had told me I'd be dating a woman who dressed like a house elf, I'd have laughed in your face. Is it wrong that I'm turned on by this? I feel dirty."
Dean gravitated to the phoenix.
"You realize you're going to probably be wearing feathers, right?" asked Oliver.
"Bring 'em on!" Dean exclaimed, and Hermione brought him a red and orange feathered cape, silky orange pants, and a feathered headdress. "Ohhhh, hell yeah! Can I take this outfit home with me? I think this look could really take off!"
"Pffft, take off," said Oliver. "I see what you did there."
"Ugghhh, you git," said Dean. "What have you got?"
"Baby dragon," said Oliver, holding up a tiny winged lizard.
"WHAT?! There was a dragon?! Oh, bloody hell!" said Dean. He looked guiltily at his phoenix. "Alright, buddy. Let's do this."
Zach came out of the dressing room in tight white pants with an iridescent white tail. "What are you?" Hermione asked him.
He put on a headband with pointy ears and a unicorn horn. "I'm a unicorn."
"You look fabulous," Dean snickered.
"Laugh all you want. I'm majestic as f***," said Zach.
ZACH CAM: "Girls love unicorns. This was a calculated move on my part." He tapped his head. "That rose is mine."
Zach went to get his picture taken. Dean and Oliver went into their dressing rooms, and Neville cracked open his door. "Excuse me? I think I'm missing half of my costume."
"Let's see it," Hermione asked. He poked out his head, looked around, and seeing nobody was really paying attention, stepped out. His outfit was sheer green, with leaves strategically placed over his butt and groin, and a few accent leaves elsewhere. Hermione grinned. "I knew you'd pick the bowtruckle," she said. "Ummm, no, that's the whole outfit, Neville." She laughed as his eyes widened. "Do you want me to see if we can get some more leaves on there real quick?"
"Please," said Neville. "Thanks."
HERMIONE CAM: "He really has no clue how hot he is. It's so freaking cute." She fanned herself. "This has been a very good date so far."
DOBBY CAM: "Dobby is starting to think that helping magical creatures is not Miss Hermione's primary motivation here."
"Hey, Hermione," said Tom, "you're not afraid of spiders, right?"
"No, not particularly," said Hermione. "Why?"
"There's an Acromantula here," said Tom. "I'm surprised, since they are poisonous."
"Ahh, that Acromantula is a rescue," said Hermione. "He was being farmed for his venom, and his glands go damaged, so he's perfectly safe for us. Unfortunately."
"Right," said Tom. "I'm glad you're not turned off by the darker animals. I have a pet snake, you know."
"Oh, yes, you mentioned that. I don't have a problem with snakes at all," said Hermione.
"Good, good," said Tom. He took his eight-legged body suit into the dressing room.
HERMIONE CAM: "Tom continues to impress me. The fact that he chose the Acromantula, a creature most people would scorn, shows that he doesn't care about looks. I think Tom really understands the point of today's date. And then there's Cormac..."
CORMAC CAM: "As a professional model, I know Hermione has high expectations for my photoshoot, so I picked a baby troll for my animal. Sure, I have to wear troll ears, but it's a small price to pray for the chance to show off my superior physique in this loincloth. That's right, I'm a sexy troll. Only Cormac McLaggen could make trolls sexy."
Draco and Viktor were left, and there were two animals left, a pink pygmy puff and a niffler. Draco and Viktor were arguing over the niffler.
"I had the niffler first," said Viktor. "The niffler chose me."
"I'm not wearing pink," said Draco, pouting and clutching the niffler to his chest.
"Oh, that's a shame," said Hermione cheekily. "I rather like a man in pink."
"On second thought? The niffler is yours, Viktor," said Draco, pushing it back to Viktor. "Sorry about that."
"Thank you," said Viktor, taking the little guy from Draco. During the hand-off, the niffler flew away from both of them on a golden snitch. "THAT NIFFLER NIFFED MY SNITCH!"
"Ha! He didn't choose you, he chose your snitch," said Draco. A crewman handed Draco a pink fluffy outfit. Draco's eyes widened. "Erm...thank you."
DOBBY CAM: "After meeting all of the men here today, Dobby thinks Miss Granger should pick Master Longbottom or Master Wood. Masters Thomas, Krum, and Smith are nice too. Dobby does not like Master Malfoy and Master Riddle. Dobby thinks Master Malfoy is a big baby, and Master Riddle is just plain creepy. Master McLaggen is dumb. Miss Granger has much work to do and big decisions to make. Dobby wishes Miss Granger all the best for a happy future."
The pictures were taken, and the boys all said goodbye to their new magical nonhuman friends and changed back into their regular clothes. Dinner was served on the rooftop of the MBBC, and Hermione was able to speak again with all of her suitors.
She took the rose from the table. "Thank you everyone for a wonderful day. This date actually went better than I was expecting, and that's because you all just embraced the day. This rose, however, I'm giving to someone whom I know went way out of their comfort zone today..."
DRACO CAM: "I covered myself in pink fur for this woman. If I don't get that rose, I'm going to scream."
"...Neville," said Hermione. "Will you accept this rose?"
DRACO CAM: "BOLLOCKS!"
"Absolutely!" said Neville, beaming. The men all smiled and nodded politely, but the disappointment was evident on their faces. Draco was stone faced.
Hermione and the men all returned to the Floo and stepped out into Hermione's cottage. Crookshanks meowed at them, and Hermione bid them all goodnight. When she thought all had gone, she closed the door.
"Hey," said Neville, petting Crookshanks.
"Oh, hey," said Hermione. "Sorry, I thought everyone had gone."
"They have," said Neville.
"No, I mean..."
"I know, I know," said Neville. "That happens a lot, you know. People forgetting I'm there. I'm not the best in group situations, you know."
She giggled nervously. "You're fine," said Hermione.
"I wanted to say I'm very grateful that you gave me this rose tonight. And surprised. That you notice me. I wanted to say more earlier, but I was nervous," he said.
She took his hand. "It's okay to be nervous. I'm nervous too. But you do stand out to me, Neville."
They stared into each other's eyes for an awkwardly long time. "The cameraman is still here," he whispered.
"It's okay," she said, and she drew him in for a passionate kiss.
When Neville returned to the mansion, Draco and Marcus were sitting in the living room.
"And then she gives the rose to...," Draco was saying as Neville walked through the door. They turned to look at him, and he stood stiffly.
"Hey," Neville said.
"Where have you been?" Draco asked.
"Um," said Neville. "Plants."
"Plants?" Draco asked.
"Yeah, they have really good plants here. I was looking at them."
"Plants," Draco repeated. "Was Hermione looking at plants too?"
"No," said Neville, turning red. "I'm going to bed now." He bolted up the stairs.
Draco seethed.
The next morning, another date card arrived. Seamus found it and sounded the general alarm. "DATE CARD! WAKE UP, EVERYONE! DATE CARD!"
The men assembled. Seamus opened the card. "Harry," he read. Everyone was on the edge of their seats, waiting to hear what followed. "I see a future with you."
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!" the men hollered.
Harry flushed. He read the details and sprung out of his seat. "Bloody hell, we leave in an hour!"
"Get it, Harry!" Lee hooted as Harry ascended the stairs to prepare himself.
Draco sat down next to Neville. "Did you?" he asked.
"Hm? Did I what?" Neville asked.
"Get it," said Draco, raising his eyebrows. "You know."
"No, I don't," said Neville. "What are you talking about?"
"Drop the dazed and confused act," said Draco. "I know you were at Hermione's cottage last night!"
The men all gasped and turned to Neville and Draco.
"We were all at Hermione's cottage," said Cormac.
"No, dummy. This one was there longer," said Draco. "He came in late last night, all flushed and guilty looking. Ain't that right, Marcus?"
"I mean, yeah," said Marcus.
Gasps and murmurs.
"Blimey," said Ron. "How long were you there? What did you...?"
"It's not what it sounds, okay!" Neville said. "She was saying goodbye to everyone after our date, and I wanted to tell her thank you for the rose again, so I hung back a bit."
"Tell her thank you," Dudley hissed. "Oh, that's rich."
"Honest, that's all! I have a hard time expressing myself with a bunch of other people around, so I hung back. And I told her thank you again, and..." He turned red.
"And?" asked Justin. "And and and?"
"And we did kiss. I'm not going to lie about that. We kissed a lot. But I wasn't trying to do anything, and that's all we did was kiss. I promise. And I know most of you have done it too. I hear about it. I hadn't kissed her yet. The cameras make me nervous. But I did. Actually, she started it." Boos and hisses. "Honest! Not that it matters. Look, I don't think I did anything any one of you wouldn't have done in the situation. Hermione is a classy woman. I didn't do anything wrong. We didn't do anything wrong."
"Well, of course you'd say that! You were snogging her!" said Dean.
"Maybe I'll just go over to Hermione's right now," said Draco. "Apparently we're allowed to just do that now. We don't have to wait our turns at all. Just go snog Hermione whenever you feel like it, boys!"
"Now come on, that's not fair," Oliver said. "Hermione invited us all in last night to use the Floo. Sounds to me like Neville was well within his bounds. The date's not over until we get back to the mansion, right? And Hermione let Neville stay. She could have kicked him out, and she didn't. We can't be mad at either of them for that. It's just what it was. But we shouldn't all be knocking on her door all the time to snog."
"Yeah, I guess you're right," said Zach. "We're just mad it wasn't us, really."
"Well, I don't think it's fair," said Draco.
"Well, this is Hermione's show, not yours," said Neville. The side conversations came to a halt.
"What did you say, Longbottom?" asked Draco.
"I said it's not your show," said Neville, "and you're not the only one who has a connection with her. That's what this is really about, isn't it? You're jealous of me."
Draco's eyes widened, but he shook it off. "If you had just been a man earlier, you wouldn't have had to go behind all our backs," he said.
"A real man doesn't have to tear others down to get a girl to like him," Neville said. He went out the back door to the patio, and the Gryffindors followed him, clapping.
Harry descended the stairs, watched his friends walk out the door, then looked at the pouting Draco. "What'd I miss?" Harry asked.
Harry was sitting outside when Hermione arrived at the mansion to pick him up. "Oh, hello," she said.
"Hey," he said. "You look nice."
She was wearing a purple sundress. "Thanks, you too," she said. He had on a grey button-up and black slacks. "Shall we?" she asked.
"We shall," he said. "Where are we going today?"
"We'll be going by Floo. We have an appointment with a psychic," said Hermione.
"A psychic?" Harry repeated, getting up and following her to the cottage.
"Yeah, is that alright?" Hermione asked nervously.
"Oh yeah," said Harry. "I mean, I've never been to a psychic before."
"Me neither," said Hermione. "I'm excited though. I've always been interested in divination."
They went into the cottage and into the Floo, and they arrived at Diagon Alley.
"Oh, hey! I love this place!" Harry exclaimed.
"Our psychic is waiting for us at the Leaky Cauldron," said Hermione.
"Wicked," said Harry. "This brings back so many memories for me."
"Yeah?" said Hermione. She took his arm, and they began to walk.
"Yeah," said Harry. "You know I didn't know I was a wizard for my entire childhood. This was really my first experience with wizardry."
"Mine too!" Hermione exclaimed. "So you were raised by muggles?"
"Yeah, my aunt and uncle. They were awful," said Harry. "But then the Order came and took me away, so no harm done. Really ironic I'm here with Dudley, though."
"Dudley?" Hermione asked.
"Yeah, he's my cousin," said Harry.
"You're joking."
"I'm not," said Harry. "He didn't tell you either, then? Yeah, we try not to acknowledge our relation. I will say he's a much better person now than when we were kids. Still a little hot under the collar though. But let's not talk about him. How were your parents when they found out?"
"That I was a witch? They were shocked, but, they were thrilled," said Hermione. "They were proud of me for everything. Literally everything. They framed my scribble drawings."
Harry laughed, but there was a sadness in it. They arrived at the Leaky Cauldron.
"Hello lovers!" greeted an older woman with long grey hair, glasses that made her eyes look two sizes too big, and a multicolored dress decorated in zodiac symbols. "You must be Hermione," she said, taking Hermione's hands. "And you are...no, don't tell me...Harry."
"Wow!" Harry said seriously.
The woman laughed. "I had your name ahead of time, dear. But please, sit down, sit down." Harry and Hermione took the indicated seats. There was a tea kettle at the table and three teacups. "I am Sybill Trelawney, and today we are going to read tea leaves. Are either of you experienced in Divination?" They shook their heads no. "Wonderful! Tea leaves are one of the easiest for beginners. First, we enjoy some tea." She opened up a wooden tea box covered in runes. "Go on, choose your teas. Let's get to know each other a bit. What brings both of you here today?"
"Well, uh, there's this show, where a bunch of blokes date the same girl," said Harry. "I got today's date card, and so here I am."
"And so here you are," said Trelawney. "Is that all it is for you, Harry?"
Harry poured hot water into his cup. "I'm sorry?"
"Is all this just a show to you, Harry?" Trelawney asked. "Or is it something more? What actually brought you here today, Harry?"
"Oh, well," said Harry, "I suppose I put my name in for the show because I was getting rather lonely."
"Lonely," repeated Trelawney. Harry shifted nervously in his seat. "So you decided you were ready to get married because you were lonely."
"Oh wow, umm, I guess when you put it that way," said Harry. "Yeah."
"And you see Hermione as your potential wife?" Trelawney asked.
"Well," said Harry, swallowing nervously. "Yeah. She's brilliant. A real good catch."
"A real good catch," Trelawney repeated, and there was a hint of judgment in her voice. Hermione giggled nervously. "Hermione, do you think Harry here is also a 'real good catch'?"
"I do," said Hermione. "Seems like he has his life together."
"Seems like he has his life together," said Trelawney. "A man who decided going on a show to marry whatever girl the show decided to pick as its star has his life together. Yes. I see."
Harry chugged his tea. "OH! Look at that! I'm done! What do the leaves say?"
Hermione and Trelawney stared at Harry, whose face was red and eyes were watering. "Hand the cup to Hermione," Trelawney said slowly. "Do you...do you need a glass of water?"
Harry choked. "Yes please," he wheezed.
Hermione waved a waiter over to them and whispered to him. The waiter nodded. Hermione took Harry's cup, still extremely hot.
"Hermione, describe what you see in the leaves," Trelawney instructed.
Hermione, still boggling at how Harry swallowed that hot tea so fast, looked down into the cup. "I see...umm?"
"What shapes?" Trelawney pressed.
"It's...," Hermione said, staring harder than she'd ever stared at something before, "it's abstract."
Harry giggled, then coughed. The waiter returned with a glass of ice water, and he drank greedily.
"I'm sorry?" asked Trelawney. "Let me take a look." Hermione tipped the cup towards Trelawney, and she stood up and shrieked.
Hermione dropped the cup and stood up as well, looking around frantically for a spider or something. "What? What is it?"
Trelawney grabbed Harry's arm. "My dear," she said. "It's the Grim."
Harry swallowed the last drop of water. "Okay?"
"The Grim is...it's a symbol of..." Trelawney looked nervously at all of the cameras. "It's a very rare symbol, very rare. It's a symbol of death, dear."
"Death," said Harry. "Oh, good. Hermione, how about we go hit the town?"
"Sounds great," said Hermione quickly. "Thank you, Ms. Trelawney!"
"Wait, wait! What about your fortune?" Trelawney asked.
"I'm good, thanks," said Hermione. They rushed out together into the streets, then exploded in laughter. "I am so, so sorry," said Hermione. "That was not at all what I expected. Is your throat okay?"
"I can't feel my tongue," said Harry. "Worth it."
"Tom," said Severus, "what are these rocks for?"
Tom looked up from his journal at his roommate, Severus. Severus was by their window, where someone had lined up seven rocks all in a row.
"None of your business, Severus," said Tom. He scribbled something in his journal.
"And what are you always writing?" asked Severus.
"None of your business," said Tom.
"You know, typically when people share a living space they can't help but to learn more about each other. Yet I have nothing but more questions about you, Tom."
"I didn't come here to make friends," said Tom.
"That's one thing we have in common," said Severus. "And we're both Slytherin boys, aren't we?"
"Yes," said Tom. "Best wizarding school there is."
"Yet I don't know you," said Severus. "Which is very odd, considering that I am their Potions Master."
Tom didn't look up. "I had Slughorn."
"Slughorn?" Severus asked, surprised. "Slughorn has been retired for years. I had Slughorn. Just how old are you?"
"None of your business," Tom repeated.
"You don't look a day past 20, honestly," said Severus. "I had all the other Slytherin boys here, and you look younger than them."
Tom looked up at Severus. "Magic," he said.
"Indeed," said Severus.
Harry and Hermione spent the day going in and out of the shops on Diagon Alley. Instead of having dinner at the Leaky Cauldron as the show had arranged, their dinner consisted of various snacks and candies purchased in the stores.
"Sorry to interrupt," Gilderoy said, apparating next to their table where they were eating color changing cotton candy. "But since you guys have gone off book, which is totally fine, I needed someplace to leave this." It was a rose.
"Oh, thank you," Hermione said nervously, but Gilderoy had already apparated away.
"I don't think he's very happy with us," said Harry.
"Well, I don't know what they were thinking inviting that woman onto the show," said Hermione.
"Although," said Harry, "the questions she was asking were probably things we should be talking about."
"Oh, it's only been three weeks," said Hermione. "I don't see why we should get so intense."
"Well, no, not with that intensity," said Harry. "But, I mean, there is supposed to be a proposal at the end of this. So, what brought you here? Why did you put your name in for the show?"
"Oh, I didn't," said Hermione. "My friends nominated me. And I was so against it at first."
"What changed?" Harry asked.
"I was going to get a second cat," Hermione said honestly, and Harry laughed. "You know what struck me when Trelawney was grilling you with questions? How much your answers were the same as mine. I was just lonely. I felt like everyone's life was moving forward except for mine."
"That's exactly how I felt," said Harry. "I just didn't want to look back one day and say, you know, what if? So I signed on for the show."
"Yeah, I get that," said Hermione, picking up the rose. "Well, Harry, I am so happy I brought you on this date. I loved the way you handled the awkwardness at the Leaky Cauldron and how you bailed me out. I feel safe around you, Harry. So Harry, will you accept this rose?"
"Yeah," said Harry, smiling. "Thanks."
As they kissed, an unscheduled fireworks show began. All of Diagon Alley came out to watch, but Harry and Hermione barely glanced at it.
"DATE CARD, BOYS!" Colin shouted.
"I don't see why we need that," said Severus. "It's obvious who's on it."
"Yeah, but we need our our fun little clue about what we're doing," said Colin. He cleared his throat and read, "Ron, Severus, Marcus, Dudley, Colin, Seamus, Lee, and Justin. Love can be messy. Hermione."
The date left the next morning, and they traveled once again by Floo. They had been instructed to wear athletic clothing, so the men were expecting to play some sort of sport. It was surprising, then, when they arrived inside a nice Victorian house.
"Hello!" greeted Gilderoy Lockhart with a flourish. "Welcome to my home!"
"Nice crib, man!" Lee said.
"Thank you!" said Gilderoy. "Everyone, as I'm sure you know, I spent many years travelling the world encountering all sorts of magical beasts. Today we were going to be facing another kind of magical beast. Gentlemen, I currently have a pixie infestation." The wizards all grimaced, while Dudley was thinking about tubes of flavored sugar. "This date will be simple. Your goal will be to capture as many pixies in the house as you can. The man who catches the most will win extra time with Hermione."
"All right!" Dudley exclaimed. "What do I have to do to catch these things?"
"Oh," said Gilderoy. "Hermione, you invited the muggle on this date?"
"Oh, yeah," said Hermione. "I didn't realize there would be a competition part of this date. Maybe I should just take Dudley aside now while the others catch pixies?"
"Oh no!" Dudley boasted. "I don't want to be treated any differently because I'm a muggle. I'll catch pixies. I'll catch all the pixies. What's a pixie?"
As if on cue, a pink pixie whizzed over their heads. Severus flicked his wand, and the pixie fell stunned to the ground. "One," said Severus.
No more words were needed. The men grabbed their bags and took off into all corners of the house.
"Okay, now, while they're all occupied," said Gilderoy. "There's something I want to talk to you about."
"Yes?" said Hermione, concerned. "Is something wrong?"
"No," said Gilderoy. Then he thought. "Well, yes," he said. "But not with you! You're perfect."
"Oh, stop," said Hermione. "I still feel so awkward all the time."
"You're making some connections, though, yes?" asked Gilderoy.
"Yeah," said Hermione confidently. "I had a couple of great dates this week. Probably my favorite dates so far."
"Is that so?" asked Gilderoy. "Well, I have had such a great time so far getting to know you, Hermione."
"Thanks, Gilderoy. I feel the same."
"You do?"
"Sure," she said. "You're a great guy, Gilderoy."
"Oh, wow," he said. "I wasn't expecting this to go so well, honestly."
"This?" Hermione asked. "And, what is this, exactly?"
"I mean, I thought I felt a spark between us, but now I know. Oh, Hermione. Can I leave the show as a host and be a contestant?"
"Can you WHAT?!" Hermione asked incredulously.
"I can't stand it anymore!" Gilderoy exclaimed. "Watching you with all these guys, it kills me! They don't deserve you. I have helped so many people find love on this show, but I'm still alone. I don't want to be alone anymore, Hermione. I want...I want to be the one accepting the rose."
"Ummm...okay," said Hermione, processing.
"Okay? So I can join?"
"I mean...I think I still need some time to process this request," said Hermione.
"Right," said Gilderoy. "Sure. Okay. I understand. But can I go catch pixies?"
"Umm...I guess. Sure."
"Oh, goodie!" Gilderoy exclaimed. He took off through the house.
Hermione turned to the crew. "I need permission to consult my friends, please."
Justin was struggling with a bunch of pixies he'd uncovered in the library. He flicked his wand to stun them, and when he went to pick them up, he couldn't find the bodies. Dudley chortled.
"Hey!" Justin shouted. "Those are mine!"
"Finders keepers, losers weepers!" Dudley laughed. He ran down the hallway and smacked into Gilderoy. "Oh, erm," said Dudley. "I mean, haha, here Justin, I picked up your pixies for you."
"Oh, is this section cleared? Darn!" said Gilderoy.
"What do you mean?" asked Dudley. "Say, why do you have pixies? You helping a muggle brother out?"
"Oh, no, I'm competing!" Gilderoy said with a smile. "Do you know if the bathroom has been cleared yet?"
"Competing? Say, that ain't fair!" said Dudley. "What do you need to compete for? You can't have Hermione."
"Well, actually," said Gilderoy, "the MBBC says I can."
Dudley threw his bag of stolen pixies at Gilderoy. "WHAT?!"
"Hey, woah, what are you hurting Gilderoy for?" asked Justin.
"He's competing for Hermione!" Dudley said.
"WHAT?!" Justin exclaimed, dropping his bag, and a bunch of pixies flew out. "That ain't fair!"
"WHAT?!" Cho exclaimed. "Hermione, that's awesome!"
"Is it?" Hermione asked. "Gilderoy is good looking, yes, but he's so cheesy. And I'm not sure that this is fair to the rest of the guys."
"All is fair in love and reality TV, Hermione," said Cho. "Sounds like he really likes you. I'd give him a shot."
"But what if the other guys are mad?" asked Hermione.
"Then they're more concerned about themselves than what's best for you," said Cho. "And so that's what you have to do, Hermione. You have to do what's best for you. If you like Gilderoy, go for it. If you don't, then don't. But nobody else should be in this decision."
"Right, okay," said Hermione. "Thanks. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I needed to hear that." There was a clamor from above. All of the men came rushing down the stairs to where Hermione was sitting by the fireplace. "Gotta go. Thanks." She hung up with Cho.
"Hermione!" Marcus said urgently. "Is Gilderoy one of us now?"
"I...I don't...I haven't made a decision yet," said Hermione.
"How can you do this to us?" Dudley asked. "You're supposed to be eliminating guys, not adding them!"
"What I'm supposed to be doing is finding my husband!" Hermione exclaimed. "Yes, there are certain parameters in this show, but I need to do what is best for me. And if I decide Gilderoy could be that person...then he'll be joining us. And you'll just have to get used to it!"
The men shrugged and nodded, except for Dudley, who crossed his arms.
"Ummm," said a voice coming down the stairs. It was Colin, dragging a stuffed bag of pixies. "I do believe I've won."
Hermione clapped her hands. "Excellent! Gilderoy, what's the next step of the date?"
"Uhhh, right," said Gilderoy. "Colin, Hermione, you will be enjoying a vintage carriage ride around the beautiful English countryside."
"Thank you," said Hermione.
"And when you get back, we'll enjoy an artisan dinner prepared by my own personal chef. Gentlemen, let's to the terrace, shall we?" Gilderoy asked.
"Umm, I suppose we shall?" Seamus said.
Everyone reluctantly followed him out the back, and Hermione and Colin got into their carriage.
"So, I feel like I missed something," said Colin.
"Yeah," said Hermione. "Gilderoy wants to court me."
"Oh," said Colin. "Is that allowed?"
"I guess it is," said Hermione.
"Do you want it to be allowed?" Colin asked.
"I'm not sure," said Hermione.
"Well, when I met you, I was very sure I was in the right place," said Colin. "So it seems to me, if you're not sure, then it's probably more trouble than it's worth."
"You would say that," said Hermione. "You don't want any more competition."
"I actually don't see this as a competition at all," said Colin.
"How can you say that when you literally just won a competition to be with me?" Hermione asked.
"Well, if that's what it takes to get a chance to be with you, then yes," said Colin. "But I wouldn't try so hard if I didn't really like you."
"Well, thanks, Colin," said Hermione. "That actually helps a lot."
They spent the rest of the time enjoying the beautiful English countryside and each other. When the carriage returned, the men were all sitting at a long dining table that had been set up on the terrace. Gilderoy excitedly pulled out a chair next to him. "Right here, Hermione!" he beamed.
Hermione sighed. "Gilderoy, can I talk to you?"
"Of course!" he said, springing out of his chair. He took her hand and started babbling about his topiary collection.
"Gilderoy, stop," said Hermione, taking her hand back. "Gilderoy, I can't."
"Right, too soon, too soon," said Gilderoy. "I just know you already have some solid relationships with these other guys, so I thought maybe..." He saw her face. "Oh, you don't mean you can't hold my hand. You mean you can't...ever."
"I'm sorry," said Hermione. "I wanted to give you a chance, but I realized I'd be doing it for you, not for me."
Gilderoy sighed. "Okay."
"Are you...are you going to be okay?" Hermione asked.
Rita Skeeter apparated beside him. "No, he will not. Gilderoy, what were you thinking?!" she exclaimed sternly.
"She's perfect!" Gilderoy sobbed. "I'm sorry, but for some inexplicable reason she's the only woman in this whole universe that seems desirable!"
"Oh my," Hermione said, embarrassed for him.
"It's okay, Hermione, dear. Why don't you just go back and talk to your suitors? You're wasting valuable time here. I'll take care of this one." Rita grabbed Gilderoy by the ear. "I'll be back at the rose ceremony to take over the role of host until this one-" She yanked his ear. "-gets a grip on reality again."
"Right, okay, thanks," said Hermione. "And I really am sorry."
"No harm done, dear. No harm done," said Rita. Gilderoy and Rita apparated away.
Hermione returned to dinner on the terrace and explained what she had done. After conversing with the men, she decided to award this group date rose to Colin for helping her see clearly what needed to be done.
COLIN CAM: "Thanks, Mr. Lockhart!" He winked for the camera.
RON CAM: "I feel sorry for the guy. You can't blame him for falling for her. We all have."
DUDLEY CAM: "Haha, LOOOOSER!"
The incident with Gilderoy dominated the conversations Hermione had at the cocktail party. She was becoming exhausted. At this point, she was digging deeper with some of the guys, and her feelings were starting to sway stronger for some rather than others. She wondered at what point it might be acceptable for her to stop these pre-ceremony cocktail parties as she knew other stars had done in the past.
She sent home Cormac McLaggen, who had underwhelmed her on the group date with his self-obsession and inability to hold a conversation about anything that interested Hermione.
CORMAC CAM: "It's..." He wiped away a tear. "It's not..." He breathed deeply to keep himself from sobbing on camera. "It's not Cormac time."