Just over a month after the incident with her father and Ziva stepped out of the shower her mind swirling with thoughts. It was late on Friday afternoon; she'd spent most of the day redoing the bedroom next to the one she and Gibbs shared. It hadn't dawned on her until she'd pulled out the paint she'd purchased why she'd been working so hard. The softest green had her imagining a forest scene, something suitable to either a boy or a girl baby. She combed through her wet hair trying to make sense of her jumbled thoughts. One week earlier she'd again returned to the doctor. A clean bill of health, a comment on the positive aspect of her weight and the knowledge that her body was fully physically healed had left her feeling far from certain. Yet, she'd spent the better part of a week working on what she now realized was a nursery.

She couldn't make sense of how it all worked in her mind. Yet, it was the truth. She moved to the full length mirror Gibbs had purchased for her and laid her towel to the side. She almost recognized the woman he saw. Her hair was longer, the scars were more abundant but her curves were back or at least very close to it. Gibbs' insistence of feeding her and the vitamins she'd been taking had helped her more than she might have thought. Vitamin E oil and lotion had brought her skin to life and the tan from Hawaii hadn't truly faded with all the time she'd spent in the garden recently. She'd kept busy with both the spare room and her hands in soil. Gibbs hadn't objected, only helped as often as she'd let him.

They'd spent every extended lunch hour together and every night he came home as soon as work would allow. The need to be together as often as possible hadn't faded in the slightest. Every night they spent together in his bed, now as she looked around she realized it had become her space as well. Her things had mixed with his and all around she saw his acceptance. When her focus finally returned to the mirror she found his reflection watching her. She felt her breath catch and through instinct reached for the knife on the dresser next to her.

Gibbs held himself in place, despite his body's reaction to her nudity he remained still. The knife in her hand held him still. Even when she placed it back on the dresser after recognizing him he still did nothing more than make sure his eyes met hers. It took more effort than he might have admitted.

Ziva almost reached for the towel she set aside on the bed. Instead she paused when she watched as Gibbs held perfectly still, swallowing hard, she bit her lip and resisted the urge. "I apologize; I did not realize you would be home early." She watched each step he took closer fighting the instinct to step back with everything she had. She wasn't afraid of him. But still the fear she had known for too long lingered.

"No apologies Ziva. I will leave you to your privacy if you ask me too." Gibbs hadn't let his eyes stray downward. He'd caught the briefest glance of her. The soft womanly curves, gentle edges that spoke of her renewed health, the scars had peaked a reminder of his rage but dusky nipples and soft curls had tempered that anger. "I did not mean to catch you off guard."

Ziva lifted her chin before closing the distance between them. She took his hand bringing them both back towards the mirror. She felt slightly dizzy as she turned in his arms to face the mirror. "What do you see Jethro?"

Gibbs let his hands rest gently on the swell of her hips. With a smile he didn't bother to hide he rested his chin on her shoulder. "I see my friend, the woman I love. The woman who risked her life, her humanity for me more than once, a woman who saved me when I was nothing more than a stranger to her. I see my wife, the mother of my future children. More than that I see a woman I desire, one that my body craves, that I need even though I know I need to be patient. Never doubt Ziva in my eyes you are beautiful. When you are ready we will be more than we are now, and not a moment before." He took a risk he wasn't sure would pay off and took her hand. "I would like to touch you Ziva, but you will lead the way. Only, as much as you can accept no guilt, no pressure." He knew she could feel his arousal against her buttocks but he stayed as still as he was able. He took in a deep breath as her hand took his and led it to the skin of her neck. Together they traced the curve of her shoulder, the fine line of her collarbone only moving lower to the curve of her breast after some time had passed.

He tucked his head lower his lips playing gently at the side of her neck. "If for even a moment you feel the need for me to stop Ziva please say so. I need you to do this for me not just you."

Ziva felt the war of fear fight with the tide of desire Gibbs had driven. She could only nod as his mouth placed the softest of kisses against her throat. His fingers stroked the soft skin of her breast, gentle strokes like a painter with canvas. His fingers touched her nipple feathering across the tip even as his other hand slipped around to trace the curve of her bottom. She felt a rush of pleasure it had her dizzy again, until something unpleasant tripped through her mind. She tried to push it away but it lodged in her mind and had her swallowing hard. She was about to speak when his hands slid gently back to her hips, again resting in a way that didn't threaten. She felt the bite of tears and couldn't meet his eyes.

"No Ziva, never feel like you have to know shame with me."

"How did you know?"

"It wasn't any one thing Ziva. I'm only sorry if I have left you frustrated." He saw the tears threaten harder and turned her in his arms.

"I should be the one apologizing Jethro. I continue to frustrate you…"

"I'm fine Ziva. You wanted me to touch you. I enjoyed it and then you needed me to stop. That is enough. Our progress has no timeline" He felt an inordinate amount of pride when this time her eyes didn't slide away but instead held his.

"Thank you." Ziva accepted the robe he offered, somehow he'd known she needed it and held it at the ready. "There are things I still cannot talk about. Not, because I do not trust you but, because I cannot face them myself."

Gibbs didn't voice that he suspected he knew what some of those things were. Instead he let his arms wrap around her. "It is more than enough Ziva, to hold you and know you are mine. Now I need a shower to wash the day off and perhaps something to eat."

"I made dinner, just something simple but I knew you would be hungry." She almost laughed when he winked at her as he grabbed clean pajama pants from his dresser.

"I love you're cooking Ziva, simple or not. I'll meet you downstairs when I'm done."

They had finished their meal, cleaned and put away the dishes and suddenly she felt the awkward press of the air around them. They had walked into the living room when she paused. He stopped as she did his hand touching hers as she sank into one of the plush chairs in his living room. Only when he'd seated himself across from her did she feel as though she could speak.

"I have told you before Jethro I am not afraid of you. ."

"Ziva you don't have to …."

"I need you to hear me. I have never been afraid of you, not before all that happened and not now. My fear comes from everything else. The mistakes I made, the things I endured but never of you. I was thinking perhaps if we agreed you could push past my limits. Acknowledge I'm afraid but knowing it's not you, ignore it. Perhaps…"

Gibbs felt the burn of anger. Not, at Ziva but at whatever made her feel as though she had to say such a thing to him. He took her hand pulling it tight to his. "Do you really believe I could do such a thing, that I could begin to force anything close to intimacy on you?"

Ziva choked back a sob of self-loathing. "I feel stuck as though any progress I was making has stalled, died out and left me mired in this want but can't."

"Not stuck Ziva just where you need to be right now. Of course you're frustrated it's ok to accept that. It doesn't make you less. But, know this I could never push you into something. What we are is enough." He saw the guilt that always seemed to hover in her eyes. "One moment at a time Ziva, nothing more."

"I realized today that I have been working to build a nursery for a child I am not yet ready to create. Is that not crazy?" She moved from her lonely seat to sitting beside him. Fighting a sob, when he pulled her close without the slightest hesitation.

"Nothing crazy about creating a place for the child you want. You will have that child when you're ready Ziva. And if you want that child sooner than your body is ready for there are other ways." He hadn't expected the words he'd said but still he meant them.

Ziva pulled away shaking her head. "I wouldn't ask that of you." Before he could speak again she swallowed hard and took in a long breath. "I want to be with you but the fear is more than I can get past. I want to ignore it, to push it away but it is always there and in more ways than I can fight."

Gibbs saw the exhaustion of that fight in her each day. He never mentioned it nor did he try to push her through it. She needed time to grieve all that had happened. "First Ziva you didn't ask and if it is something you end up wanting all you have to do is ask. And you should never ignore what you're feeling, not for me not for anyone. You have a right to be angry, hurt, scared…all of it even the things you don't share." Her eyes flew to him far more filled with fear than he wanted to see but the time had come and he knew it.

Ziva couldn't stop the way she shifted away from him. It was instinctual as the disgust rolled through her turning her stomach and forcing her away from what was good and clean in her life. He didn't move his eyes never left hers didn't change in the way he looked at her yet somehow she sensed he knew what she hadn't said.

It was an effort not to pull her back to him to instead, remain silent as she watched him. She was assessing him trying to ferret out what he knew or suspected and the feeling wasn't comfortable. Tears had her eyes shining as she settled even further back on the couch putting far too much space between them. He understood it, had expected it but still it hurt him for both of them.

"You know." Ziva felt the nausea roll over her nearly making her shake, forcing the acrid smell of sweat and the desert to wash over her despite where she really was.

Gibbs shook his head. "I don't know anything Ziva and I don't expect you to share anything you aren't ready to. I've done some reading trying to understand the best way to help you that is all." Before she could ask he fought back his own tears and managed a little more. "I haven't spoken to anyone about it either nothing we talk about ever goes any further, ever."

"I told you and Ducky that…"

"I know and I appreciate that, if I feel the need I will take your word and do so but for now it's just us." He saw the tears break free and travel down her cheeks. He longed to reach out to her but the wall she'd placed between them was to be respected so he held still.

"It is not supposed to happen. It was all so ugly, dirty and painful." She bit hard on her lip nearly drawing blood at how bald the words were, she couldn't look at him instead focused on his hands clasped tightly in front of her. "But there was this one time, I was cleaner, better fed, he was as kind as the situation would allow and it just… I responded." She couldn't say the word orgasm couldn't bring herself to put that level of truth out there but it was clear he knew what she meant. "It is not supposed to happen. What kind of woman am I, how could I allow that." She swallowed back the hard acrid bite of bile so roughly she wasn't surprised by the water that Gibbs offered her. Nor did she question where it had come from.

"Ziva. You didn't allow anything. You never gave consent, you didn't choose to be in that situation and nothing you did gave permission or asked for what happened. The human body is designed for pleasure and you and I both know that in the most extreme situations it will do whatever is necessary to survive."

Ziva stood pacing the room trying to quell her raging stomach and the nightmare in her mind. "An orgasm isn't necessary for survival and we both know it Gibbs." She leaned too heavily against the doorjamb to his kitchen trying to hold herself together.

"Do you believe a man can be raped by a woman Ziva?" he saw confusion in the way she finally looked at him.

"Yes, we know it can happen have dealt with more than a few cases of it happening." She shook her head until she fixed on where he was coming from.

"Why didn't they want to come forward, why aren't most men believed when they finally come forward?"

"It is not the same Gibbs."

"No it is not the same. Nothing about any two assaults is exactly the same but you can logically understand that a man must become aroused and most often comes even when raped. Because, it's a biological response." He took a breath still trying to fight his own pain and all she was telling him. Instead he focused on the facts he knew would help her. "What happened after, when he left and you were alone?"

Ziva felt bereft it was such a brutal question. Yet the way he watched her forced the answer. "I was sick. Again and again I could not understand what had happened, I could not eat. I tried… I wanted to die." She watched alarm in his eyes, fear that almost had her stopping but he'd asked and she wouldn't lie. "The restraints he used hadn't been removed I tried…I thought if I pulled and was hard enough on my wrists I could cut through enough that I would die. That it, would all, end." The pain she watched work through him had her pausing. His breathing changed, his hands shook and he looked at her with such sadness that she was forced through her own grief to move back toward him. "They came back in and saw what I was doing. They stopped me and though I was not then I am glad now that they did."

Though he should have been more cautious Gibbs couldn't stop himself from grasping her face with his hands. "I should have come for you sooner, should have faced what your leaving meant to me sooner. I didn't, I ignored it all and because of that you were left in hell far too long. However you managed to stay alive whatever happened there, you are not to blame for. And there isn't a day I don't feel blessed you survived." He pressed his forehead to hers. Knowing he should give her space but unable to break the contact.

He held her so close so firmly with such conviction in his voice that Ziva felt no fear, no desire to pull away. Instead she let him hold her close for longer than she would have thought she could bear. Only when his breathing had steadied with her own did she move to stroke his hair. "I am tired Jethro would you rest with me. I do not want to be alone while I sleep."

In moments they were lying in bed. Ziva felt Gibbs lying beside her so solid so real. Beyond the ugly of the desert and the fear he had been her touchstone all those days in the dark. "I am not afraid of you Jethro. It is never you that I fear. I need you to remember that."

"I believe you Ziva. Still I will remind you that I never want more than you can give. This is enough no matter what you might think." It wasn't a lie even as his body slid naked against her bare flesh. She'd insisted and as with most things he hadn't been able to refuse her. Slumber took them fighting against the rage and hurt that rushed through them. Wrapped together they found solace in each other's arms.