"Excuse me, Ms. Skeeter?" Severus asked.
Gilderoy Lockhart was still a mess, so Rita had to fill in as host again because the show must go on. The men were packing to prepare to move to their next filming location, Norway.
"Yes, Severus?" asked Rita, disinterested as always.
"May I have permission to call a friend back home?" asked Severus.
"What for?" asked Rita.
"Well, actually, it's about one of the other contestants," said Severus.
"Then absolutely not," said Rita. "You may not disclose any information about the show until after it has aired. That's the contract you signed! That's the contract you'll abide by!"
"Yes, I know, but I think this is a different matter entirely," said Severus.
"How so?" asked Rita.
"One of the other contestants...I have reason to believe they are a very powerful dark wizard," said Severus.
Rita threw her head back and laughed. "Oh, Severus, you are a hoot! Do play that angle up for the camera, alright? Drama, drama, drama!"
"This is not a joke!" Severus fumed. "I believe we are all in grave danger!"
"Severus," said Rita, patting him lightly on the cheek, "you know everyone has been thoroughly screened."
"What about Blaise Zabini?" asked Severus. "The man injured a muggle. Is that a joke to you?"
"Dudley is fine," said Rita. "And we are all going to be fine. You forget we are all being closely monitored by MBBC's best."
"Can I please just call Dumbledore?"
"Now what could be so important that you need to call Albus Dumbledore?" asked Rita.
"Ms. Skeeter, I believe...!" Severus started, then sighed. He couldn't say it out loud. It was too crazy.
"Norway, Luna, can you believe it?" Hermione gushed into the phone, gazing out of her mountain villa.
"Ohhhhmygosh, I am so jealous!" Luna exclaimed. "So, can you tell me about the dates you're planning, or is that hush-hush?"
"As long as I don't say any names, I'm allowed to talk. The first date is a broom ride through the mountains. I know exactly who I'm taking," said Hermione.
"Oh, you sound like you have a crush!" Luna teased.
"He is very good looking, and very successful," said Hermione.
"...and?" asked Luna.
"And that's all I can say. You're just gonna have to watch!"
"Bitch!" Luna laughed. "Oh, Hermione. I'm so happy to hear you so happy."
"Well, I miss you and Cho," said Hermione. "I wish I could bring you both with me."
"You don't want us on your dates with your hunks," said Luna. "Tell me just one more thing. Is he a good kisser?"
"Oh girl," said Hermione. "Hell yes."
The men arrived at the Norwegian mansion, and Rita instructed them to make themselves at home.
"Hmmmm," said Seamus, looking around, "who should I room with this time?"
"Shut up," said Dean. "I already put your bags in our room."
"We got a good window?" asked Seamus.
"Only the best for you, dear," said Dean. They ran off.
"Some of these guys," Tom said, shaking his head. "I can't wait until there are fewer guys and we can all have separate rooms."
"All the same," said Severus, "I'm glad there's someone like you here."
"Oh?" asked Tom. "What do you mean?"
"I feel like, in our own way, we're not so different from Dean and Seamus there," said Severus. "We get each other, don't we, Tom?"
Tom narrowed his eyes. "Yes, Severus. I suppose we do."
"SEVERUS!" Harry moaned. "Severus, my scar!" Harry was leaning against Ron like a pregnant wife in labor.
"The pain is getting too intense," said Ron. "He needs stronger pain potions. Can you do something?"
"I think I can," said Severus. "I'll need some supplies from the local wizard's market, though."
"Okay," said Ron. "I'll take him to yours and Tom's room."
"NO!" Severus snapped. "Leave him in your room. And don't leave him while I'm out, Weasley."
"Uhhh...okay," said Ron. "I just thought..."
"Actually, better get a better wizard in there. Malfoy!"
Draco and Marcus were halfway through a pint of beer in the kitchen. "Yeah?"
"Malfoy, go with Weasley and Potter, please."
"Why?"
"Yeah...why?" Ron echoed.
"Professor, I appreciate you worrying about me, but Malfoy will not make me feel better. No offense," said Harry.
"Malfoy was one of my top students at Slytherin. He'll make you a sleeping draught so you can rest until I finish my work. Malfoy, do you remember that sleeping draught? All of the ingredients are in my bag. Please make one for Mr. Potter."
"Yes, Professor," grumbled Draco.
"DATE CARD!" called Oliver.
"Oh, no way am I missing my one-on-one for Potter," said Draco.
Oliver opened the card. "Viktor," he read, "fly away with me. Hermione."
"Bollocks!" cursed Draco. "When the hell am I gonna get a one-on-one? What the hell am I here for if she's not gonna give me the time of day?"
"She can't give them to everyone," said Ron. "There just aren't enough dates."
"Easy for you to say. You got one the first week," said Draco.
"The dates are a way for Hermione to figure out how she feels about us, right?" asked Tom. "You and I both made very good impressions the first week. I take it as a good sign we haven't been asked on one-on-ones. She's confident enough in us to not need that time to know she wants to keep us around."
"Hmmm. Maybe," said Draco.
"I must say, though," said Oliver. "I'm especially disappointed at not being invited on this one. I literally teach kids to fly for a living. This sounds like my kind of date, and I'm missing it because I'm not..."
"Viktor Krum," Lee said disdainfully. "None of us can compete with that, for sure."
"Well, boys," said Marcus. "There's more beer in here."
"Sounds good to me," said Oliver. "C'mon, Lee. You blokes all coming?"
"We gotta take care of Harry," said Ron. "C'mon, Draco."
"I'll have some," said Tom.
"WOAH! Tom Riddle, being social! Now it's a party!" Lee exclaimed.
"To Norway, boys!" Marcus said, raising a glass.
"To Norway!" they agreed, joining Marcus in the kitchen. Severus left on his errand, and Draco and Ron went with Harry upstairs. And Viktor Krum changed into his Bulgarian National team jersey.
VIKTOR CAM: "I am honored to be invited on this date with Hermione today in the beautiful land of Norway. The beauty of the country will be matched only by the beauty of my date."
Hermione arrived to fetch Viktor, who presented her with a bouquet of roses.
"Ohhhh my goodness!" she gushed. "Where did you get these?"
"I buy roses for you every week, in case I am chosen for the one-on-one date," said Viktor.
"You're kidding," said Hermione. "Isn't that expensive?"
"Nothing is too much for you, Hermione," said Viktor.
VIKTOR CAM: "It really is not that much. I make a lot of money. I am not here for anything except Hermione."
"Well, Viktor, thank you so much," said Hermione, overwhelmed. She wrapped her arms around him. "Ready to hear what we are doing on today's date?"
"Of course, Hermione," said Viktor.
"We are going to have a picnic on a mountaintop," said Hermione, "and we are going to get there by broom."
Viktor smiled wider than he had since joining the show. "I was hoping we would be doing something on brooms when I read the date card," he said.
"Now, I must say, I am not the best at this," said Hermione, taking a broom from the crewman.
"Well, that is no problem," said Viktor. "You can just ride with me."
"Is that possible?" asked Hermione.
"Of course it is," said Viktor, taking the broom. "This is a good, strong broom, and long enough. And I am an expert. I will not let anything happen to you." They mounted the broom together and took off. Hermione squealed at the lift off. "Okay, just press close to me, and do what I do," Viktor instructed her. He didn't have to ask her twice. Hermione nestled in against his torso and practically disappeared between his muscular arms. His musky cologne filled her nose. "Fast or slow?" he whispered in her ear.
Hermione flushed and forgot for a moment that they were on a broom. "Anything you want," she mumbled.
"Let's go slow. We want to be able to see the sights," he said.
"Yes, of course," she said. They followed the crewmen through the mountainside to the date location. Viktor sped up when he saw their destination, and Hermione swallowed so much air, she was coughing when they landed.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I love the rush." Hermione's eyes were watering, so she could barely see. Viktor helped her smooth out her hair, and then kissed her lightly on the temple. "You are beautiful," he said.
She coughed. "Really? You don't have to..."
"I mean it. Windblown hair is the sexiest, I think," said Viktor.
Hermione laughed. "Well, thank you. Let's eat."
Their lunch consisted of smoked salmon and some vegetables with wine. "Cheers, to finding love in Norway," said Viktor.
"Cheers," Hermione agreed. They clinked glasses and drank.
The boys were clearing out the kitchen of its beer. "We're going to have to get some more of this," Zach slurred. An owl paced back and forth by the glass sliding door where they sat. "Hey, check out this dumb bird," said Zach, pointing. "Bahaha. Stupid bird wants some beer too." He put down his glass and burped.
"Blimey, he's got a date card!" Justin said.
"Well, let the poor bugger in!" said Dean, stumbling over to slide the door open. The owl stretched out its neck for Dean to take the card, then with a hoot, flew away. "Alright, let's see what we've got here." Dean opened it. "Harry, Ron, Draco, Severus, Oliver, Marcus, Dudley, Colin, Seamus, Lee, Tom, Zach, Justin..." Dean's eyes bulged out. "I'm...I'm not on it! I'm..." He flipped over the card. "Oh, bloody hell. Dean. We dine in Valhalla. Hermione."
"Whose name wasn't on it?" asked Dudley, looking around. "She named everyone, right? So there isn't another one-on-one?"
"Ummm," said Neville, "my name wasn't on it."
DRACO CAM: "You've got to be f****** kidding me! I hope to gods he bores her to death on this date and goes home! He is such a snot-nosed git! Gods! I think I hate him more than Potter!"
"Wow, Neville! A group date rose, and now a one-on-one! Things must be getting serious," said Oliver.
In past weeks, that would have been a compliment, and everyone would have whooped and cheered. This week, however, the news was met with silence. Neville had a target on his back. He gulped down the rest of his beer.
"Hermione," said Viktor, "if you love the mountains, you will love Bulgaria."
"Oh, yes, I have not done nearly enough travelling," said Hermione. "In fact, this is the first time I've been outside of the United Kingdom."
"You're kidding," said Viktor. "I've been all over the world playing Quidditch."
"That sounds amazing!" said Hermione.
"The world is an amazing place," said Viktor. "However, I hate to admit, I am looking forward to the day that I can retire to a Bulgarian mountain cottage."
Hermione smiled and nodded. Her head swam with questions. Viktor continued to speak about Bulgaria, but she was lost in her own thoughts.
"You...you wouldn't consider moving to the United Kingdom, then?" Hermione finally asked.
"Huh? Oh," said Viktor. "Well, I mean, I can play Quidditch anywhere, I suppose. And one can travel. I am no stranger to travelling. You...you would not consider moving to Bulgaria, then?"
"I mean, not having ever been there, I suppose I can't really say," said Hermione. "But my friends and family and job are all in Britian. It would be difficult for me to do my job in another country, as each one has unique laws and systems."
"Ah, but you are so smart. I'm sure you could learn quickly," said Viktor. Seeing her unhappy face, he backtracked. "I mean, if you wanted. Look, if it is us at the end of this, then we will figure it out. I would be happy to move to London. But I love my home country."
"Yes, of course," said Hermione. "I wouldn't want to keep you from it."
"We would figure it out, together," said Viktor. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be insensitive. I am falling for you, Hermione. I can see you in my life. I guess I just always imagined you in Bulgaria with me. It is only natural. It is...it is my home."
Hermione stared down at the rose on the plate between them. She knew it was coming time to make a decision, but she wasn't ready. There were so many question marks with Viktor. "I'm...I'm just worried that if I give you this rose...and we keep going and fall in love...this will still keep us apart."
"So you don't want to give me the rose...because of what might happen later?" Viktor asked, confused.
"I want to give you the rose!" she protested, her eyes starting to fill with tears. "But I'm not confident that it's the right thing to do."
"If we are falling for each other, how can it not be right?" Viktor asked.
And then it hit her. She wasn't actually falling for Viktor. She was attracted to Viktor, but that wasn't enough anymore. She was looking for a husband, and her husband needed to be more than someone who was nice and very good looking. The thought of her moving to Bulgaria, or Viktor moving to London, was absurd, not because of the moving at all. It was because she couldn't actually see Viktor at the end of this. She couldn't see him in her life anywhere. That was why refusing him the rose was the right thing to do. It was also a much harder thing to say than, "I don't want to move to Bulgaria."
Dudley had drank all of the wizards under the table, so he had proudly retired to his room to sleep off his drunkenness. Viktor's bag was packed and sitting by the doorway. It was protocol for all men going on a one-on-one date to pack up before leaving in case they were sent home on their date. Of course, nobody was expecting Viktor Krum to go home. When a crewman came and removed the bag, Dudley thought nothing of it.
"Hey, where are you going with that?" Seamus asked as the man descended the stairs.
The crewman smiled. "Just doing my job, sir. Good luck to ya!" He took the bag out the door.
Seamus looked at Dean, whose jaw dropped. "Did...did that just happen?" asked Dean.
"Oh my gosh, they're eloping!" Seamus shouted. "Game over, boys!"
"No, you git, she sent Viktor home!" Dean cried, leaping out of the couch and staring out the window. "Look! There it goes!"
"SHE SENT VIKTOR HOME?!" Colin cried from the kitchen. "BLOODY HELL!"
The shockwave rippled throughout the house. The men all gathered to talk about how they couldn't believe Viktor was gone.
RON CAM: "Bloody hell! If she doesn't want Viktor, what does she want? What hope is there for the rest of us if he's not good enough?"
TOM CAM: "I think it shows great maturity on her part that she sent Viktor home. It shows she knows what she wants, and she won't be swayed by just good looks. Huh. I might actually be interested in this woman now."
Bachelor Nation was also stunned by Hermione's decision, especially Cedric Diggory, for whom Viktor was his first choice to go all the way.
"Cedric, are you crying?" Cho asked.
"No," he said. "I just have something in my eye."
"Sorry you won't be meeting Viktor, Cedric," said Luna, patting him sympathetically on her shoulder.
"She is being rather stupid, though, isn't she?" Cho said. "She didn't even give him a chance! Is it too early to pick the next Bachelor?"
VIKTOR CAM: "While I am very saddened with Hermione's decision, I still have nothing but respect for her. She is a phenomenal woman, and she has some great guys back at the house." He sighed, and tears formed in his eyes. "It is very disappointing that Hermione couldn't see me in her life. I think we could have been great together. But, I am glad she sent me home before I had the chance to fall even deeper in love with her, if she knew she would not reciprocate. It will be good to be back home in Bulgaria. Goodbye, Hermione. Goodbye, Norway. Goodbye, Bachelors."
"Goodbye, you beautiful man," Cedric whispered into a tissue.
Everyone was more nervous than usual for the group date. Although it wasn't customary for men to go home on group dates, Hermione's willingness to send home a man they had all considered a frontrunner had them all doubting their relationship with her.
Neville saw them all off. They looked at him sympathetically. Yesterday they had all wanted to be him, but today, they were all happy to be safe on their cozy little group date.
"Hello, boys!" Hermione said.
"Hiiiii Hermione," the chorus replied.
"We will be taking the Floo to today's date," she said. "I hope you've all brushed up on your runes and your Norse mythology!"
"Uhhh, sure!" they replied politely.
ZACH CAM: "Crap. I'm still hungover from yesterday. Norse mythology? What even is this date?"
SEVERUS CAM: "I just love watching young people squirm in discomfort."
She ushered them through the Floo in her villa, which shouldn't have been exciting anymore considering they'd all been through there before, but since it was a new villa, they all looked around in wonder again. But the real wonder was what was awaiting them on the other side of the Floo. It was a great wooden building with a long table in the center. A whole pig was turning on a spit over a great fire pit.
"Welcome to Herot!" Hermione said with an excited flourish. "Anybody know what this is?"
"It's a mead hall," said Tom.
"That's right!" Hermione exclaimed. "Today we're going to have a traditional Viking meal, with real old-fashioned mead."
DEAN CAM: "Ohhhhh, coool...more booze..."
They all gathered around, and waiters and waitresses in Viking garb served them meats, cheeses, dried fruits and nuts, and very strong meads. When their guts were about to burst, Rita Skeeter appeared. Unlike Gilderoy, who had always worn the same white suit, Rita was dressed to theme.
"Hello, gentlemen! I hope you have all had your fill, because today you will fight like Vikings for some extra alone time with Hermione!" Rita announced.
The men were all drunk and sleepy from the food and drink, but the words "fight" and "Hermione" triggered something primal inside them, and they all shouted heartily in affirmation.
DUDLEY CAM: "Time to whoop some more wizard ass! Hell yeah!"
"But wait, Gentlemen," said Rita, "as you all know, Hermione was top of her graduating class. Hermione is looking for a man with intellect. This will be a battle of brains, not brawn. Please choose a partner."
The men were all pretty much seated beside their house bro, so partnering took very little time. The pairs were Harry and Ron, Draco and Marcus, Severus and Tom, Oliver and Lee, Seamus and Dean, Justin and Zach, and, by default, Colin and Dudley.
"I hope you all know your runes, because the first competition will be a rune decoding task. The team that is able to decode the message in their runes first will move on to the second round," said Rita. She waved her wand, and stone tablets appeared in front of each of the pairs. "Begin," she demanded.
Most of the teams just sat and stared in misery. Runes were not part of every school's required curriculum. Draco smiled smugly and yanked the tablet away from Marcus. "I got this in the bag," he whispered, but then he glanced over at Tom and Severus and scowled. Severus had produced a scroll and was already writing down possible translations while he and Tom debated among themselves.
ZACH CAM: "Well, this is fun. I don't think I've ever felt stupider in my entire life. Huh...this must be how Cormac felt, like, all the time."
"GOOD LOVE GLIDES EASILY AND SMOOTHLY AND PAYS IN TIME," Justin Finch-Fletchley called, standing up.
"Dude," said Zach, "how much did you drink? That's..."
"That's CORRECT!" Rita exclaimed. The Slytherins shot daggers at him with their eyes. "The Norwegian proverb 'Good loves glides easily and smoothly and pays in time,' or, as they say, ' Bra kjærleik glir lett og sikkert og ber seg sidan.' Congratulations, Justin and Zach, you will move on to the next round."
"Alright!" Zach exclaimed, high-fiving his friend. Hermione applauded in approval, and Justin puffed his chest in pride.
JUSTIN CAM: "Learning runes is an essential part of any magical library sciences degree. I'm fluent in all ancient magical scripts. The Slytherins never stood a chance."
DEAN CAM: "Alright, alright, as much as that test was totally unfair, and I need that time with Hermione, I can't help but be happy that Justin beat all them Slytherins. The look on their faces!" He clapped and laughed.
COLIN CAM: "Yep. I totally got a picture of that." He held a Polaroid of Draco's shocked and disgusted face to the camera. "That's going in the scrapbook. Hell, that's going viral."
LEE CAM: "All hail Justin Finch-Fletchley, the little Hufflepuff that could."
"The next round will be a Norse mythology trivia competition," said Rita.
"Bollocks," said Zach.
"Yes!" said Justin, pumping his fist.
"Can we just skip that and let Justin have his extra time?" Zach asked. "I won't beat him. All I know about Norse mythology comes from those American muggle movies about the group of superheroes."
"Justice League?" asked Justin.
"What? No, you git, not Justice League!" Zach scoffed.
"Ohhhh, the Avengers! That's some good muggle shit right there!" Lee interjected.
As the men argued on whether the Justice League or the Avengers were superior (Dudley, being the only muggle, insisted his opinion was law and that it was in fact the Justice League), Hermione consulted with Rita. Rita nodded. "Ahem," said Rita, "Hermione would like to extend the competition to one person from each partnership. Please come forward."
Justin shrugged and walked forward, followed by Draco, Oliver, Dean, Dudley, and Harry. Neither Harry nor Ron felt they stood a chance, but Harry was the better guesser. Severus and Tom were arguing.
"Severus, I could win this contest deaf," said Tom.
"Like how you won the rune contest blind? I don't think so," said Severus. "You are too arrogant, Tom."
"But we all know you don't actually stand a chance in this competition," said Tom, "so please kindly step aside."
"I will not," said Severus. "Hermione will marry you over my dead body."
"That could be arranged," said Tom.
"You know what?" Hermione intervened. "You can both compete. Screw the rules. Right, Rita? They can both compete."
"If that's what you want, Hermione," said Rita.
"Well, that's hardly fair," said Tom.
"Oh, come on, Tom," said Hermione. "Today is supposed to be fun."
"Maybe I don't consider putting on a spectacle for your affection fun," said Tom.
"Spectacle?" Hermione asked, taken aback. "What spectacle? We're having a trivia contest in a mead hall."
"This whole thing is a spectacle," said Tom.
"Well, if that's how you feel about it, why don't you just leave?" Hermione said.
Severus, with a confident stride, joined the other men who had gathered for the trivia contest. All eyes were on Tom and Hermione, whose conversation was getting more and more intense.
"I don't want to leave! I just wish we could skip to the part where we sit down and have meaningful conversation. Do you really need a Norse mythology contest to decide who you want to marry? Is that a criteria most girls use to pick a mate?" asked Tom.
"Okay, okay, I see your point," said Hermione. "But everyone is trying to have a good time right now, and you're kinda being an ass."
"OHHHHHHH!" the men said.
Tom narrowed his eyes at her. "Wow. And here I thought you had some class. My mistake."
"Oh, no, wait," Hermione said, tears welling up in her eyes. "I didn't mean that."
"Woah, hold on," said Ron. "Don't cry because of him. You're right. He is being an ass!"
The men all clapped and gathered around Hermione in solidarity. Tom looked nervously at the group and backed away, trying to assess the situation. Severus made a special point to take Hermione in his arms.
"Well, don't just stand there like an idiot!" Draco taunted Tom. "Either apologize and play nice or get out of here!"
"Is that what you want, Hermione?" asked Tom.
"I don't know what I want! This whole situation is very confusing," said Hermione. "And I don't just mean today. I mean all of it. I am starting to form real feelings for all of you. Including you, Tom. And you're right. A lot of this stuff is starting to feel quite pointless. But I don't know what else to do but just go along with the show and see where it takes me."
"I see," said Tom. "Yes, quite right. I only reacted the way I did because I am frustrated too. I'm sorry, Hermione. Please continue with your game. I'll...play nice."
"Thank you," said Hermione, wiping away tears. "Rita? We're ready."
SEAMUS CAM: "That was a load of griffin shit! What kind of spell does this jerk have on Hermione that she's okay with how he treated her just now? Bloody hell!"
MARCUS CAM: "This is the first time I think we've seen Tom's real personality, and it's not very pretty. I think he's gonna pull a Blaise real soon."
SEVERUS CAM: "From living with Tom I've learned that he will do anything to save face. Nothing that he tells Hermione is genuine. Nothing he tells anyone is genuine. But the more I learn about him, the more I learn what buttons I can press to reveal his true nature. Hermione is not dumb. She will know the truth soon enough. I fear we all will."
"Okay, contestants. The rules are simple. I will ask you each a Norse mythology question. If you get it right, you stay in the game. If you get it wrong, you're out. Ready?" she asked.
"I guess," said Dean. The men laughed nervously.
"Then let's begin," said Rita. "Justin. Bragi was the god of what?"
"Poetry," Justin answered without missing a beat. The men clapped respectfully.
"Draco," said Rita, "which god was killed by a twig of mistletoe?"
"Easy," said Draco. "Balder." The Slytherins clapped.
"Oliver," said Rita, "Asgard was the home of the gods. What is Midgard?"
"This is Midgard. Midgard is Earth," Oliver answered. Cheers from the Gryffindors.
OLIVER CAM: "My kids love mythology. There are two things I know very well: Quidditch and random children's stories."
"Dean," said Rita, "what is the name of Asgard's Hall of Heroes?"
"Uhhhhhhhhh," said Dean, "Hero Land?"
"Wrong," said Rita.
"You sure? Ah, okay," said Dean. He returned to the bench beside Seamus.
"Dudley?" asked Rita.
"VALHALLA!" he exclaimed.
"You know shouting an answer doesn't make a right answer more right," said Rita. Everyone giggled.
DUDLEY CAM: "I knew something a wizard didn't know! Nanananana!"
"Harry," said Rita, "which day of the week is derived from the god of thunder?"
Harry rubbed his scar, wincing. "Thursday?" he asked.
"Good," said Rita. "Severus, the end of the world is called what in Norse mythology?"
"I believe that would be Ragnarok," said Severus.
"Very good! Only one out after round one. Justin, the Valkyries are the handmaidens of whom?"
"Odin," said Justin.
"Draco, what animals pulled Thor's chariot across the sky?"
Panic flashed across Draco's face. "Hippogriffs?"
"Wrong. Oliver?"
"Those would be goats, Rita," said Oliver.
"Correct," said Rita.
Draco pouted and sat down alone on the bench.
DRACO CAM: "Goats? GOATS!? The god of bloody thunder had flying goats?" He crossed his arms. "I hate mythology."
"Dudley, Vor was the goddess of what?" asked Rita.
Dudley's face contorted. "Cooking?"
"Wrong. Harry?"
"Healing?" asked Harry.
"Wrong again. This must be a toughy! Severus, do you know?"
"I believe that is Truth, Rita. Goddess of Truth."
"Correct! Dudley, Harry, you're eliminated."
DUDLEY CAM: "Who cares about the Goddess of Truth? What a dumb question!"
"Justin," said Rita, "Tyr was the god of what?"
"War," said Justin confidently.
"Oliver," said Rita, "what is Yggdrasil?"
"A tree," said Oliver.
"Correct," she said. "Severus, Skadi is the goddess of what?"
Severus paused. "Fire?"
"Incorrect. Justin?"
"Winter and the hunt," said Justin.
"Correct. I would have accepted either one. Alright, so we are down to just two: Justin and Oliver."
OLIVER CAM: "I honestly have been getting by with pretty easy questions. I'm definitely going to lose. But, if this makes me look good in the eyes of Hermione, then I'll take it."
"The next question is for Oliver," said Rita. "what is the collective term for a group of unicorns?"
OLIVER CAM: "This is hardly a mythology question. It's not just called a group? Why the hell is it not just called a group?"
"Uhhh," said Oliver, "a miracle?"
"Wrong," said Rita. "Justin, for the win?"
"A blessing," said Justin.
"Correct!" exclaimed Rita. "Justin Finch-Fletchley, you are the victor! You and Hermione will now enjoy a special treat together in the woods."
DRACO CAM: "Well, that was a waste of time. The egghead Hufflepuff still won. I'm so over this group date."
Hermione took Justin's hand, and a crewman ushered them out the mead hall. "Do you like Beowulf?" Justin asked.
"It's really not my favorite," Hermione replied. "Beowulf is kind of an ass."
"Yeah," Justin agreed with a chortled laugh. "But I just wondered, with the mead hall being called Herot."
"Oh wow," Hermione said, hanging her head. "I need to stop using that word."
"Okay, I have to say, in both instances, you absolutely used the correct word," said Justin.
Hermione laughed. "I'm sorry. I don't want to discuss other guys on our special time. Excuse me, sir, where exactly are we going?"
"It's a surprise," said the crewman.
"Of course," said Hermione.
"You seem stressed," said Justin.
"Do I?" Hermione asked. "That's an understatement."
"Yeah, I figured. I get it. The guys are all stressed too," said Justin.
"I know," she said. "I feel terrible."
"Don't," said Justin. "You're doing wonderfully."
"Was I too nice to Tom?" she asked. "Sorry, I don't want to talk about other guys, but I value your opinion. What did you make of all that back there?"
Justin shrugged. "I can't say I really know Tom. And not knowing Tom, and not knowing your relationship with him, I can't really say whether you did the right thing or not. You used the right word, though. I will vouch for that."
"That still doesn't make it right," said Hermione. "And in front of all of you, too! He must hate me."
"Well, if he hates you, then he should go home," said Justin. "I guess I wouldn't be surprised if he were one of those guys who have some ulterior motive in coming here."
"Why's that?" asked Hermione.
She didn't get an answer because they had arrived at their destination, a corral full of beautiful white unicorns. Rita was waiting for them. "Welcome to the Norwegian Unicorn Preserve," she said.
"Now I know why they call it a blessing," said Justin. Hermione leaned on his shoulder. Already, she was feeling better.
"Go on," said Rita. "They are friendly. Take some leaves, and the unicorns will come to you."
They broke off some branches from nearby bushes and poked them through the corral. Soon, unicorns came to visit them and munch on the leaves. When his leaves were gone, Justin stretched out his hand, and a unicorn placed his nose lovingly in Justin's palm.
"Awwwww," Hermione gushed.
"This one is real tame," said Justin. "Here, let go of that branch." Hermione allowed the two unicorns by her to carry the branch off, and Justin slowly removed his hand from his unicorn. "Just hold out your hand, and he should come to you." She did as she was told, but the unicorn backed away from her and trotted off back towards his herd. Hermione removed her hand and sighed. "It's okay," said Justin, rubbing her back reassuringly.
"Yeah," she said, although she couldn't help but feel it was some sort of omen that the unicorn wouldn't come to her.
"Hermione, can I talk to you?" Severus asked.
The alone time portion of their date had begun, and the men were wasting no time. "Sure, Severus," said Hermione. He took her hand and led her away form the group to a bench outside of Herot.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
She sighed. "I'm still pretty flustered."
"I'm so sorry that happened," said Severus. "I feel I must warn you. Tom is not who he says he is."
Hermione hated when one person sucked up all of the attention on a date, but there was no avoiding it. The only way she could figure out her feelings would be in talking it over with trusted members of her suitors. The way they had all gathered around her when she was upset made her realize she actually had a great group of guys, and if one of them was ostracized, there had to be a reason.
"Okay," said Hermione. "Who is he, then?"
"I can't say for certain," said Severus. "But he's a liar, Hermione. Pathologically. I'm not sure he's ever said an honest thing since he arrived. It's all an act to get you on his side."
"So what's he actually here for, if that's true?" asked Hermione. "Fame? To be the next Bachelor?"
"Perhaps," said Severus. "I did catch him in a lie once. He didn't realize who he was talking to. You know I teach Potions at Slytherin."
"Yes, of course," said Hermione.
"I never had him as a student," said Severus.
"Okay...," said Hermione.
"He says he had Slughorn. Slughorn retired. That would put him at, at least, my age, if he had Slughorn," said Severus.
"But that's not possible," said Hermione.
"Unless he's using some sort of anti-aging magic, then no, it's not," said Severus.
"Okay," said Hermione. "Thank you. I've heard enough. I need to talk to him and get to the bottom of this."
"Be careful, Hermione," said Severus. He kissed her on the cheek. "I'll be near."
"Thank you, Severus," she said. She kissed him on the mouth for good measure, then left to retrieve Tom.
Tom was sitting apart from everyone else. Lee stood up upon her entering Herot, but she had to brush him off. "Tom?" she asked.
Tom gulped. "Yes, Hermione?"
"I need to talk to you. NOW," she declared.
"Yes, of course," he said. He passed Severus as the Potions Master re-entered the hall, and they locked eyes with each other. She took Tom's hand and lead him outside.
"I am sorry, Hermione," said Tom. "You must believe how truly sorry I am for my behavior earlier. I am so embarrassed that I let my emotions get the better of me. You must know that it is only because I care about you so much-"
"How old are you?" Hermione asked.
"Eh? I'm 23," said Tom.
"Bullshit," said Hermione. "How does Severus not know you if you're 23 and went to Slytherin?"
Tom sighed. "Oh, this again," said Tom. "Hermione, I am disappointed in you. You are holding the memory of an old man above my word?"
"He's not that old!" Hermione protested. "And you're not answering the question."
"I had him, okay? He just doesn't remember me because I was very quiet," said Tom.
"So you didn't have Slughorn?" asked Hermione.
"Slughorn was my personal tutor. My parents were kinda nuts about my studies, so I had a personal tutor for every subject," said Tom. "Look, I'm a bit of a private person. I don't like to share much about myself with the other guys. They're on a need-to-know basis. You, though, I will not hold anything back from you."
He took her hand and kissed her. She melted into him. "I'm sorry, Tom," she whispered.
"But if you are going to take what we say about each other into consideration?" asked Tom.
"I trust you all," said Hermione. "So yes, I do care what you think about each other. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I can't help it."
"Then I'd like to put in a good word for someone," said Tom.
"Oh, okay!" said Hermione. "Wow, that is a change," said Hermione. "Usually people just throw each other under the bus."
"I'm not that kind of guy," said Tom. "I will say one bloke who has treated me with nothing but kindness is that Harry Potter."
"Harry, huh? Well, that's very nice to hear," said Hermione.
"In fact, if it were both me and Harry at the end, I would not be in the least disappointed. He is a stand-up fellow," said Tom.
Hermione laughed nervously. "Okay, Tom. I'll keep that in mind?"
"You do what you want, of course," said Tom. "But yes. That would be, I'm sure, quite the show."
"Okay, Tom," said Hermione. "Thank you."
She avoided the topic of Tom for the remainder of her conversations, but she did decide to give the group date rose to Harry, who accepted gratefully, despite the fact that his scar was killing him.
"Alright, Neville," said Neville to the mirror at himself. "Here goes nothing."
"Don't forget to pack your bags, Neville," said his roommate Colin.
Neville took a deep breath. "Yes, Colin, thank you."
"What do you think you're going to do?" asked Colin.
"The date card said, 'Love is like a river,'" said Neville. "I'm not entirely sure what that means, but I guess we're going to do something on a river."
"That would make sense, yes," said Colin. Neville put a bag of herbs into his pocket. "Woah! What is that for?"
"If we're going to be on a boat," said Neville, "I'm going to get sick. But if I eat some of those leaves, it'll be fine."
"So you're going to eat leaves on your date with Hermione?" asked Colin.
"I guess, yeah," said Neville.
"Smooth," said Colin.
Hermione met him at the door in a casual dark green dress. She threw her arms around him when he exited the house.
"Hi there," said Neville. "It's so nice to see you so happy."
"Are you ready for our date?" asked Hermione.
"Of course," said Neville. "Where are we going?"
"There's a Portkey waiting for us just on the other side of those trees," said Hermione.
"Oh, so we're going far," said Neville.
"Not terribly," said Hermione. "I guess this was just the easiest way to do it. Let's go!"
HERMIONE CAM: "I really need this date to go well today. I have had two disaster dates this week, and so I am counting on this time with Neville to just relax."
The Portkey took them to a riverbank, and waiting for them was, as Neville had expected, a boat. The boat was a traditional dragon-headed longship.
"I knew it," said Neville. "I'm sorry, Hermione. I get terrible sea sickness. I'm going to have to take something for this."
"Oh, will you be okay?" asked Hermione. "We don't have to..."
Neville reached into his pocket, took out the bag of leaves, and consumed them. "Alright, I'll be fine now. Let's go!" He took her hand and lead her onto the ship.
They had wine and appetizers on the boat while traveling through the mountainous countryside. Neville explained the magical uses of some of the plants they were passing until Hermione interrupted him.
"Do you want to know where we're going?" Hermione asked.
"Huh? Oh, I figured this was the date," Neville said.
"Well, it is, but there's more," said Hermione.
"Oh, alright," said Neville. "Where are we going?"
"We're going to the ocean," said Hermione, "and we're going to try to catch fish, then cook them for dinner."
"Oh!" said Neville. "That sounds great!"
"You like to fish, then? Or to cook? I must confess I've not done much of either…"
"I love cooking," said Neville. "I'll teach you. I've been cooking since I was very young."
HERMIONE CAM: "My mom always chides me for not learning how to cook better. Finding a man who can cook, well, it's not the most important thing, but it would be nice!"
"Wow, that's great, Neville," said Hermione.
"Yeah," said Neville. "Gran made me learn. But I ended up liking it."
Neville talked about his grandma a lot. She knew he'd been raised by his grandmother, but she didn't know much beyond that. "Did you...I'm sorry for asking, but...did you know your parents at all?" she asked tentatively.
He looked off into the distance. "Yeah," he said. "I suppose you ought to know now. I'm not...I'm not ashamed of it, at all. Quite the opposite. It's just hard for me to discuss," he said. "You've heard of Bellatrix Lestrange?" She had. Marcus had said she was the scariest person alive. He'd said the Dementors in Azkaban barely affected her, as if she thrived on darkness. Hermione nodded. "My parents were Aurors," said Neville. "They fought with the Order in the war against the Death Eaters. And Lestrange, she..." He started to choke up. "She tortured them with the Cruciatus Curse."
"Oh, Neville," she said, putting her arm around him. "I'm so sorry."
"I still visit them," he said.
"Oh! So they're alive!" Hermione said.
"Yeah," he said. "They're not themselves anymore, though. They're at St. Mungo's."
Her heart broke. "Oh my gosh," she whispered. "I'm so sorry. I can't imagine." She thought of her parents back home, happy and safe. She started to get choked up herself.
"They were great wizards," said Neville. "They still are." They stood together, arms around each other. "Look, Hermione, the ocean!" he said.
She turned around and saw the shoreline opening up before them.
Marcus found a tattered journal lying on the bathroom floor. "Looks like someone was doing some reading on the toilet," he said, picking it up and flipping through it. "Huh," he said. "It's blank." He shrugged and pocketed it.
Neville and Hermione finally caught a fish after what felt like hours trying, and they had finally arrived at the cooking stage. Neville already knew how to clean the fish. Hermione mostly watched and drank wine. He instructed her how to prepare some vegetables while he cooked the fish. Finally, they were watching the sunset on the Norwegian sea and enjoying a meal together. The rose sat on the table.
"Neville, I'm constantly surprised by you," said Hermione.
"Uh-oh," he said.
"No, in a good way!" Hermione laughed. "This has been such a good day. I don't think you realize how much I needed this."
"Oh, I had an idea," said Neville. "I heard about the group date fiasco. And your first one-on-one, well, that freaked everyone out."
"Huh?" she asked.
"Yeah," said Neville. "You sent home Viktor freaking Krum! We all assumed he'd sail on through."
"Really?" she asked. "Why?"
"Because...he's Viktor freaking Krum!"
"That doesn't mean anything to me," said Hermione. "It never did. I need someone I felt comfortable with, and he wasn't it." She picked up the rose. "You, though. I feel very comfortable with you."
He stared at the rose. "Okay..."
"So, Neville, will you accept this rose?"
"Of course," he said. They kissed. Hermione did not want the night to end.
"WHERE IS IT?!" Tom roared.
Severus looked up from his book, Dark Wizards Throughout History. "Yes, Tom? What's wrong?"
"You know bloody well what's wrong!" Tom yelled. "My diary! You stole my diary!"
Severus looked around, then chucked softly. "Sorry, Tom. I'm afraid I don't have the foggiest idea where your diary is."
"Like Hell you don't," Tom sneered. "ACCIO DIARY!"
"BLOODY HELL!" Marcus and Draco yelled from the next room.
The diary flew back to Tom's hand in an instant. Tom breathed in a sigh of relief.
"Goodness, Tom," said Severus. "It's just a diary."
"Yeah, well, I don't like people touching my things. YOU HEAR THAT, YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR SLYTHERINS!" Tom called, pounding on the wall separating him from Marcus and Draco.
Draco pounded back. "AHH, GO FUCK YOURSELF, WANKER! WE DIDN'T STEAL YOUR BLOODY BLANK DIARY! WE JUST FOUND THE DAMN THING IS ALL!"
"Merlin's beard, he's snapped," Marcus said.
Draco took his wand and repaired the burns from when the diary flew out of his hands. "It's always the quiet ones, isn't it?"
Tom sat down in his bed and wrote in his diary, slowly rocking back and forth, muttering to himself. Severus tapped his iPod with his wand, and alt-J started to play. He put in earphones and turned to the chapter titled "He Who Must Not Be Named."
"NO COCKTAIL PARTY!" Seamus gasped. "But...but...!"
"Hermione's made up her mind," said Rita. "Please go directly in for the rose ceremony."
Harry and Neville shrugged. The other men murmured nervously, some of them cursing. They entered the ceremony space, and Hermione was standing alone wearing a red and gold dress. They swooned.
"Hello everyone," she said. "I know many of you were looking forward to the cocktail party, and I'm sorry. But I also don't want to waste anyone's time. I'd rather just do this now. So..." She picked up a rose. "Justin."
Justin breathed a sigh of relief, and accepted his rose. He was followed by Ron, Zach, Severus, Draco, Marcus, Lee, Seamus, Colin, Dean, and Oliver. Only Tom and Dudley remained.
"Gentlemen," Rita said, apparating back into the room, "this is the final rose tonight." She disappeared.
DUDLEY CAM: "Are wizards stupid or something? I can see it's the final rose. Just get on with it, already!"
LEE CAM: "Oh yes. Come on. Muggle pride! Muggle pride! Muggle pride!"
MARCUS CAM: "We're all staring at this rose, like, please, rid us of this crazy person, but I just had a feeling she was going to say..."
"Tom," said Hermione.
Tom smiled smugly and strutted to claim his prize. The boys all looked at Dudley in disappointment.
RON CAM: "Dudley is not my favorite, don't get me wrong. He's obviously not the guy Hermione. But...given the choice between Dudley and Tom, we'd all take Dudley."
"Dudley, can we talk?" Hermione asked.
"Do we have to?" Dudley asked. "I get it. You don't want to marry a muggle."
"This isn't about you being a muggle. I enjoyed having you here," said Hermione. "It's just...we're not connecting like I'm connecting with others."
"Right, right," said Dudley. "It's a mistake," he said, "but whatever you want, Hermione. Well, everyone," he said turning to his housemates, "it's been nice knowing you. I won't remember you if I see you, so."
"Wait, what?" asked Colin.
Hermione sighed. "Since he's a muggle they're going to erase his memory," said Hermione.
"Why?" Harry asked.
"Because he's a muggle," said Tom. "He can't know about all of this."
"But he's known me his whole life," said Harry.
"Unfortunately," quipped Dudley.
"So what's the difference? Hermione's parents are muggles. They know what's going on," said Harry.
"We had to promise to erase his memory to bring him on the show," said Rita, stepping out of the shadows. "It's a legal matter."
"It's fine," said Dudley. "I accepted my fate when I came here. Thanks for trying to stick up for me, though. Hey, Rita, can you erase my memory of that one too?" He pointed at Harry. "Just poof him off the family tree."
"There's the Dudley I know and love," said Harry. "Goodbye, cousin."
"Goodbye," said Dudley, waving to all of them. Hermione hugged him goodbye. When he did, he whispered, "Anyone but Tom."