Ziva had spent the past two weeks talking. She'd finally met with Jackie and since that day she'd spent no less than an hour each day with her. She'd forced words out of her mouth, forcing the truth that every instinct told her she shouldn't. Jackie wasn't a counselor but she worked with victims of violence and had survived her own.
Ziva knew it probably wasn't fare but she'd become Ziva's sounding board. And it was helping in ways Ziva hadn't thought possible. She wasn't quite as jumpy as she had been. Still as watchful she could at least breathe easier when out in public. She could interact with the gang easier and daily life was all and all coming close to a normal she'd feared she'd never know.
Today though she'd needed the day to herself. But she hadn't hidden at home. Instead she'd gone to a spa. A massage would have been too much but the pedicure and manicure had been just right. She'd tolerated the touch of another human for over an hour. A stranger she didn't know and she was proud of that. Even more was the fact she'd been able to have her hair trimmed. The scissors near her again and again had almost caused a panic attack. But she'd expected the reaction and worked through it. Then she'd gone shopping. Something she had never enjoyed before but today had been full of soft feminine clothing she'd never have allowed before.
Decadent underwear, night clothes and dresses had been fun to shop for. Frivolous but for once she didn't care. She'd napped upon returning home and by the time Gibbs was walking in the door she had dinner waiting to be served.
Gibbs walked in the kitchen and felt something shift as he looked at his wife. "You look beautiful Ziva. you always have but this is nice." It was nothing close to a lie. Her hair looked different still long but with what he thought were called layers and the faint hint of curls. Her nails were softly painted and she smelled like sugar cookies. More than that was the way she held herself. She looked proud and if he was guessing correctly she had every reason to be. "You went out today...alone." It scared the hell out of him but he would never tell her that. Not with the smile on her lips and the joy that seemed to radiate from her.
"I did. It was fun, different and I'm not sure if or when I'll be able to do it again but I did." She saw the fear for he tried to hide and it made her feel more loved than she was sure she deserved. Still she the day had been fun but it had taken its toll. But rather than let the anxiety take her she'd let it wash over and then remembered what she was working toward.
"I'm glad." he approached her still slowly accepting the hug she offered ready to pull away when her mouth met his. The slide of her lips was shocking, it wasn't tentative but bold her tongue thrusting past his till his hands were clenching at the fine cotton of her dress. Both of them were breathing hard when she slowly broke the kiss.
Ziva blushed when he raised an eyebrow at her. Shrugging she served up dinner, grateful when he didn't comment instead simply discussed his day at work. They'd cleaned up from dinner, locked up the house and made their way to the bedroom. He showered coming out she saw him pause and turn to ask her what had been waiting since he'd walked in the door. "Ziva?"
She smiled "Jethro I need...to try tonight. I will be honest I do not know what I am capable of. I have done some reading and know what can go wrong. But I need this."
Gibbs wanted to object, to tell her she needed more time. If being together went wrong it could go really bad. Bu he saw the Ziva he'd known before, the determination and even more the need in her eyes. "Promise me Ziva we stop if you need to, no guilt, no worrying about me. And even if this happens I don't see it as a free pass. It doesn't mean you won't need time to process after. And you won't leave me no matter. It's not romantic but I need this from you."
Ziva stepped closer wondering if he was aware of the distance he'd put between them, or his pacing. "I promise Jethro. I thought we could start with a massage, I wanted one today but that was not going to happen with anyone but you. And I'd like to leave the lights on."
Gibbs grinned, "Not a hardship Ziva. How else can I make you feel safe?"
"'I would like you to sit while I undress Jethro. If you would be willing.."
"Again not difficult Ziva. I just need to know for certain one more time Ziva. The past few weeks have been nice, enough if you're not ready." over time they'd managed soft caresses that touched on intimacy but they'd always stopped short.
"This is what I want, I will not say I have no doubts but you understand those doubts and know they are not about you in any way." She pulled the chair that sat beside the walk-in closet and motioned for him to sit.
Gibbs settled in keeping the towel firmly around his waist as he waited. His body was already responding, hardening with the anticipation of seeing her and the possibility of touching her again.
Ziva took in a breath, before undoing each of the buttons on her simple cotton shift. The softest blue it had reminded her of him, it slid to the floor to be kicked aside. She watched his eyes take in the curves that had returned even slightly more generous than before. She had returned to working out but with the intent of being fit rather than to do battle. She didn't skip meals anymore and coffee was a rarity. She enjoyed her new figure and she could see he did as well.
She was stunning her skin was toned and fit glowing softly in the light. Ivory satin and lace graced her breasts and wrapped around her hip. The matching bra and panty set must have purchased with tonight in mind. "It's an understatement Zi but you look amazing."
"Thank you Jethro, the way you're looking at me… I like it. I like the way you look right now. You're aroused but relaxed, patient even though it must be difficult." She took another breath and removed her bra, shifting slightly she stripped out of the panties as well. Her breathing was fast desire mixing with uncertainty. She expected fear but it hadn't shown. He'd seen her nude many times but this was different. "I need ….."
Gibbs sat slightly straighter "Ziva?"
"I just need you to move to the bed, it's soft." She hoped he understood couldn't delve into he why without breaking the mood.
Gibbs stood ignoring the way the towel slid to the floor. "I don't want our first time together to be in a chair either Ziva." He slid onto the bed laying back against the cool sheets. "May I make a request?"
She nodded as she joined him kneeling against his hip.
"Take the lead Zi. There's nothing I want more to touch you, taste you. But in this moment I think it best if you show me, tell me or take what you want. You're in control." Lifting his arms he linked his hands above his head.
Ziva felt tears nip at her eyes. "I love you Jethro." Leaning down she kissed him first on his mouth, before raining them down across his chest. When it became too much she retraced her path back to his mouth. Reaching for his hand she brought it to her waist guiding it up her rib cage before letting it cup one breast. "Touch me Jethro." she touched his other hand letting him know what she wanted.
Gibbs took her breasts in both hands trying desperately to keep his focus on what she wanted and needed, even while his body weeped with it's need for her. He felt her leg slid across his hips until her body was pressed against his. He couldn't hide the soft hiss of desire or the rapture when her pelvis rocked against his. He could feel the dampness of her need and he was reminded of how important this moment was. His eyes snapped open meeting hers instantly searching for fear.
It was there but so was need, desire and the assurance as she shifted again that she didn't want to pull away.
"Yes Jethro I am afraid. But, I want this and I want it far more than the fear wants me. I do not wish to stop." Biting her lip she grasped his hands, linking them with hers and pushing them back up above his head. "How much honesty are you comfortable with Jethro." She already knew but asked to buy a moment to breathe.
Gibbs forced his hips to stop their nearly unconscious shifting. "Nothing is too honest from you Ziva."
"I want you now, I am afraid if I wait too long the fear will win. But I do not want you to misunderstand."
He almost stopped her thinking if she wasn't ready they shouldn't push it. But she'd promised to stop if she couldn't handle things and she had yet to lie to him. He chose instead to believe and trust in her strength. "I'm not sure how much longer I will last anyways Zi, you have me spilling on your thighs already. But my hands will remain here."
Ziva felt the thrill of his trust and the rush of lust as he voiced how much he wanted her. Her mouth found his again. Her hand trembled as it slid down between them. It was a mix of need and fear but she embraced both as she finally felt him in her hand. It was a rough breath that had her tracing the length of him. He was slick with desire for her and because she couldn't resist she traced his tip. THe slick feel of his come on her finger made it to her mouth. She'd prepared for the fear, disgust or memories to take over this last daring attempt to test herself. But her eyes closed instead in pleasure. He tasted nothing like the desert, or hell simply like the man that belonged to her. WIth a shift of her hips she was hovering over him only with the most fervent silent reminder did she make sure to move slowly.
Excruciatingly slow Ziva slid onto him. While it was torture he was grateful. He refused to reach out take control but they both knew she needed to give her body time to adjust. He was terrified the slightest hint of pain would have her back in that place. "God Ziva you feel like heaven."
Ziva couldn't speak couldn't do more than focus on the amazing feel of claiming Jethro as hers. Her body was tender a reminder that she refused to allow to take the moment. This was theirs. They were both physically shaking when their bodies were finally fully one. A swirl of her hips and he was groaning out her name, his hands clenched so tightly together his knuckles were white. Her hands met his holding them in place but deepening the slide of him inside her. He was close and to her breath stealing surprise she was as well.
"Jethro I need you to."
Gibbs froze trying to find the will to stop as she buried her face in his neck. "It's ok ZIva, I just need a moment."
Ziva pulled back kissing his mouth, dispelling his worry. "No Jethro I need you to move for me, I want to feel you move inside me, I need.." her words broke off as she felt the gentlest thrust. "God..yes just a little more." And then she was falling, her body swirling in a cloud of pleasure that her body soaked in with every pore. Months of agony had waited for this moment and she couldn't breathe for the intensity of it. Vaguely she felt Gibbs pulsing inside of her, even that forced more small ripples of pleasure to eddy through her. She might have guessed it was death if i weren't for the way Gibbs called out her name. His shout was raw, unfettered and naked in its emotional impact, She collapsed against him fighting for normal breath as he kissed her hair.
Gibbs felt the rush of pleasure as it snaked down his spine, but it nearly paled in comparison to watching Ziva give herself over to an orgasm that had her shaking. He was lost, feeling the satin of her body tightening again and again around him, the sinking of here nails as her hands move from his to grip his shoulders. Her head thrown back bathed in light was almost animal like and it only spurred his reaction further. He fought for breath as much as she did when she fell into his arms. He tried to stay cautious but his arms wrapped around her. Kissing her even as his tears landed against hers.
There were words to be said, things to be watchful of but neither of them could find the will to move. Heartbeats, harsh breathing and the sticky tangle of a passionate victory lulled them to sleep. Everything else could wait til morning.