It was Monday at 8 at the Malfoy manor, and Narcissa sat down in front of the TV with her glass of champagne.
"Oh no, not this again. Narcissa, must you insist on watching this mindless show?" Lucius Malfoy groaned.
"Oh stop," she said. "You know the antics of these baser wizards has always entertained me. Draco! The show is on!"
"What's the point? I'm not on it anymore!" Draco called from the balcony.
"Don't you want to see what happens next?" Narcissa asked.
"Not particularly," said Draco. "These wankers are going to all have inflated egos after last week."
"It's such a shame you had to go through that, Draco," said Lucius. "You represented the family well, though."
"No I didn't!" Draco cried. "Everyone's calling me a coward for leaving! I had to disable all of my social media accounts."
"Don't be dramatic, Draco," said Lucius.
"I'm a MEME, Dad!" Draco lamented. "And they're right. I ought to have stayed. Dragging me out on that date made us look more suspicious, not less."
"You did your part. You smuggled the diary in, and nobody suspected a thing. We're in the clear," said Lucius.
"Yes, but the Order has the diary," said Narcissa.
"We didn't think we'd need an extraction plan," Lucius remarked.
"Well, if you would have told me what I was doing, I could have brought it back!" Draco snapped. "All that nagging about how I needed to find a nice witch to settle down with was infuriating. You realize if I'd stayed, I could have become the next bachelor, right? But no. Now I'm a meme." He descended the spiral staircase. "No girl is gonna marry a meme, I can tell you that. I'm gonna be living here forever. Is that what you want?" He looked at the TV. "Oh, blimey. Is she actually taking Colin on a date?"
"This is going to crash and burn," Narcissa said with a wicked laugh. "Come on, Draco. Sit with Mummy."
"Degenerates," Lucius scoffed, walking away. "What has the wizarding world come to?"
Draco sighed and sat next to his mother on the couch, where he was convinced he'd be sitting for the rest of his miserable life. A house elf poured him a glass of conciliatory champagne.
HERMIONE CAM: "This week there are three one-on-ones, one for each of the men I have yet to go on a one-on-one with. Colin is a very sweet guy, if not a little too enthusiastic at times, but I can tell his heart is in the right place, and I never have to question where I stand with him. As the weeks are dwindling down, I realize I need to get more serious with these men. A rose at this point must mean I could see this person beside me at the end, not that I simply want to keep seeing them. It must mean that I can feel myself really falling for this person."
"Hello, Hermione!" Colin cried, running to greet her. They had returned to the London Bachelor mansion for this first week back filming. Hermione and Colin threw their arms around each other and kissed. "Notice something?" Colin asked.
Hermione looked him up and down. "Umm?"
"I left the camera at home," said Colin.
Hermione pumped her fist in happiness. "That's wonderful, Colin. And look! Our ride is here!" She pointed to the sky, and a shadow was descending on the mansion.
"A hot air balloon?" Colin asked.
"Yes," said Hermione. "The date is starting now. I'm tired of Floo and Portkeys, aren't you?"
"It is a nice change of pace," Colin agreed. "Shall we?"
Hermione and Colin walked arm-in-arm to where the hot air balloon was landing, in the field behind the mansion. The other eight men looked out the windows from their individual rooms in envy.
The balloon, of course, was white with a red rose on it. And of course, there was a bottle of champagne inside the basket. A fire crab powered the balloon. As the balloon rose, Colin popped the cork over the rim of the basket and let it fall to the ground below. "Cheers to being back together," he said.
"Cheers," she said, clinking glasses with him. "So, what did you do during the hiatus?"
"Well," said Colin, "I was absolutely hounded back at work. Got an absolute beating from my boss at not having taken any pictures during the fight."
Hermione scoffed. "That's so ridiculous! You were fighting You-Know-Who!"
"His exact words were, 'I don't pay you to fight, I pay you to take pictures,'" said Colin. "Great guy though, all things considered. You ought to meet him."
Hermione giggled nervously. "If I were to go home with you, Colin, what would life be like?"
Colin thought. "I have a very busy life. My schedule is pretty much dictated by the news cycle. The good thing about that is I'm never bored. But it's made dating very difficult for me. That's why I came on the show."
Hermione smiled. "I know what you mean. I work very long hours at the Ministry."
"Yeah, it's great that you understand that. Whenever I've tried to date someone, the relationship just couldn't progress fast enough, and someone else always came along and swooped her away before I could make any headway. So naturally, a show where I was one of 25 guys vying for the same girl was the perfect solution for me," said Colin. Hermione chortled. Colin took her hand. "I kinda can't believe I'm still here," he said.
"Why's that?" she asked.
"I don't know," said Colin. "I realize I'm a little on the dorky side."
"Well, there's certainly nothing wrong with that," said Hermione. "If you haven't noticed, I'm also a little on the dorky side."
"Nahhhh," said Colin. "You are every man's dream."
Hermione chortled again. "I am not. If I were, I doubt I'd be here."
"But that's exactly why you're here!" exclaimed Colin. "We're all gaga about you, Hermione. Have been from the second we stepped out of those carriages." Hermione blushed. Colin pulled her in for a kiss. "I'm crazy about you," he whispered.
HERMIONE CAM: "It's of course very flattering to hear all those nice things from Colin, but at the same time, I worry that he's put me on a pedestal. I'm not sure if I can truly get to the next level with him if he can't overcome this tendency to speak to me as if I'm the end-all-be-all of women. It's very nice to hear, but..." She sighed. "It's getting to be a bit much."
The hot air balloon landed in an English garden, and they were treated to a group of people in Elizabethan-era clothing waltzing to a string quartet. Colin and Hermione observed the spectacle politely and clapped when the dance was done. A woman in a blue and purple ball gown, and a man in matching tunic and tights, welcomed them.
"Hermione, Colin," said the woman. Her red hair was done up in a huge bun on her head. She looked like she'd stepped out of a painting. "How do the two of you feel about dancing?" she asked.
"Well, I certainly enjoy dancing," said Hermione. "I'm not sure how I feel about my ability in dancing."
"I have two left feet, for sure," said Colin.
"Well, today we are going to try to help you with that," said the woman. "We're going to teach you how to waltz."
"Alright," said Colin, nodding.
The man stepped forward. He had a curly mustache that matched his curly hairstyle. "But first, you must look the part!" he declared. "If you will follow me, sir, I'll get you suited in a period costume."
"And Hermione, I have the perfect dress for you," said the woman.
COLIN CAM: "I am very excited to have a dancing lesson with Hermione. I am not at all excited about the prospect of wearing tights. This is officially the most embarrassing thing I've ever done for a woman. Thank goodness I left the camera at home!"
When they were finished getting costumed, the man and woman lead them back to the garden. All of the other dancers had gone away, but the quartet remained. Hermione and Colin looked at each other. Colin gasped in admiration, and Hermione laughed. Hermione wore a red ball gown with ivory accents, and her hair had been pulled back to match the woman dancer. Colin's tunic was red to match Hermione's dress, and his tights were white and red checkered.
"Madam, why do you laugh?" asked the male dancer. "In Elizabethan England, Colin would represent the height of masculinity in these tights."
"Yeah, Hermione," said Colin. "The height of masculinity." He held out his hand to her, and she accepted.
"Very good," said the woman. "Colin, you would now bow to Hermione and kiss her hand." Colin obeyed. "And Hermione, you must curtsy, like so." She picked up her dress so as to perform the curtsey, and Hermione mimicked her. "Very good! Now, let us begin."
The instructors placed Hermione and Colin's hands in the proper positions, then they learned the basic step. Colin only tripped over Hermione's dress twice, which was pretty impressive seeing how it stuck out about a foot in front of her. By the end of the hour, they could do a basic waltz to the music.
"Bravo!" exclaimed the woman. "Now, if you will follow me."
They walked arm-in-arm behind her through the garden to another area, where a dinner had been set up. The quartet continued playing in the distance. They thanked the woman and sat down to eat in private.
"That was fun," said Colin. "You're a great dancer!"
"Thank you," said Hermione. "You too. And I hope they let us keep these outfits, don't you?"
"Oh, absolutely. I'm going to wear these all the time now," said Colin. His eyes lingered on the rose on the table.
Hermione coughed nervously and pushed the rose aside. She wasn't ready for that rose. They laughed nervously. "So, umm, you were saying earlier that you don't have much free time," said Hermione.
"Right," said Colin.
"But when you do," said Hermione, "how do you usually spend it?"
Colin laughed nervously. "I study photography, mostly. I know that doesn't seem like much of a hobby, but in my case, my hobby is also my career, so..."
"That's really cool. I wish I could say the same," said Hermione.
"What's your hobby, then?" asked Colin.
"Besides my cat," said Hermione. "I just love reading. Anything and everything. My friends think I'm an absolute bore and are always ripping me away from my books. Which is a good thing, mind you. I will just get lost in books. I would never leave my bed some days if they didn't make me."
"Right," said Colin, smiling. "Tell me about your friends."
"Luna and Cho," said Hermione. "They're very different. We're all different. Luna I met at Ravenclaw. You know, you'd probably get along with her. She works on a magazine."
"Oh?" asked Colin. "Which one?"
"The Quibbler," she said tentatively.
"Oh," he said, his enthusiastic tone dropping to disappointment.
"I know," said Hermione. "She's all about the paranormal. I kind of feel the same way about The Quibbler."
"The people at The Prophet have a lot of choice things to say about The Quibbler," said Colin.
"But, every once in a while, they actually have something," said Hermione.
"True," said Colin. "They're definitely willing to take more risks than us. For example, The Prophet did not want to publish that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is back."
"Oh my!" Hermione gasped. "But that's terrible! Everyone needs to know."
"It took both the Order and the MBBC to push them to publish it," said Colin. "Even now they still say 'alleged return.' I get it's a legal thing, but it still bugs me."
"Right," said Hermione. "Even if Tom wasn't the original He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, it's still really bad that someone is running around imitating him."
"Exactly," said Colin. "Might as well be the same thing." They looked nervously at each other. "Well, enough about him. Let's talk about us."
"Yes, let's," said Hermione.
"Hermione, I feel so privileged to be here with you and to know that you see something in me, and I know I only get limited time with you, so I have to lay it all out on the table," said Colin. "Hermione, I love you."
"Oh," said Hermione.
"You don't have to say it back," said Colin. "I get that it's probably early in the process and wouldn't be fair to the other guys if you did. And maybe you don't feel that way about me yet, but I hope that things are moving in that direction?"
Hermione stared blankly ahead. "I'm sorry, Colin. I don't know what to say. I wasn't expecting that."
"Right," said Colin. "I understand."
"I think I need to take some time alone to think about this," said Hermione.
"Sure," said Colin.
Hermione got up and walked out of Colin's vision.
COLIN CAM: "Well, that just happened. I get I probably said it too soon, but I couldn't risk leaving without letting her know exactly how I felt."
HERMIONE CAM: "Well, that just happened. I keep going back and forth with Colin. We were having a really great conversation, and I was leaning towards keeping him around, and now... Gosh, I was just not expecting that. Is it right to keep him around now knowing he feels that strongly? I'm not there, but am I moving there at all? If I'm not, then I need to let him go." She started to cry. "Oh gods, I didn't think this would be so hard."
Snape's Army was sitting together in the living room, catching up and reminiscing. A crewman entered the house.
"Hey, what are you doing, mate?" Lee asked.
He reached for Colin's bag.
"Don't do it, man! Don't do it!" Lee taunted.
He picked up the bag, and carried it out of the mansion.
"OHHHHHHHHH!" they all cried.
"And another one bites the dust," said Dean. "Damn, first day back. That's cold."
"My guess is he overdid it," said Neville. "I think he's been more into her than she's been into him the entire time."
"So that makes eight," said Ron.
Oliver grabbed eight beers and passed them out. "To our fallen comrade," said Oliver.
They all cracked the beers and toasted to Colin.
HARRY CAM: "A really weird thing happened during that Tom Riddle attack. We're all closer as a group than ever before. Yes, we're still all dating the same girl, but it's more than that we have in common now. So even though Colin leaving means there's one less guy competing for Hermione, it's sad to see one of our own go."
An owl tapped on the window. Justin opened it and grabbed the date card. "What do we think, boys?" Everyone stared at the card as if it had the plague. While being on the card would mean time with Hermione, it might also mean you had one day left on the show.
"Open it," said Neville.
Justin opened the card. He smiled. "Zach," he read, "Castle and chill? Hermione."
"Ohhhh shit," Zach squeaked.
ZACH CAM: "I FINALLY GOT a one-on-one! I finally got a one-on-one! Castle and chill? I very much like the sound of that!"
Later that night, Zach poured through his clothes. "It says I can dress casual," Zach said. "Do you think this Hufflepuff shirt is too casual? It's the only one I have that doesn't have a goofy saying on it."
Justin didn't even look up from his book. "It's fine," he said.
"So, you survived your one-on-one," said Zach. "Got any pointers?"
"You made it this far, so just keep doing what you've been doing," said Justin. "And go with the flow. Hermione took me to a club in Hong Kong. It was awful, but, it was with her, so it was still good, you know?"
"Man, I should have gone on the club date," said Zach. "Chill, though... I like the sound of that!"
JUSTIN CAM: "Zach is my friend, but he and I are drastically different. I feel like he's probably the least mature guy left in the house, so while I want the best for him, my money would not be on him coming back."
LEE CAM: "Real talk. Zach is the new Cormac. Like when we had both Zach and Cormac, it was like, wow, Zach's pretty smart! But Cormac's been gone for weeks, and every week I'm like, huh. This guy's still here? Alright. Not a bad guy, but just...huh."
HERMIONE CAM: "So...do you remember when I said I sent home the wrong Hufflepuff? Yep...a slip of the tongue kept Zach in the game week 2. And I've kept him around since then because he keeps surprising me! There's something about him. I'm not sure what it is, because he's very different from guys I'm usually interested in. More of a jock, you know? So I sent home Colin first date, and I'm hoping that Zach surprises me more today and our relationship progresses, because two break-ups in a row would be really rough."
Hermione picked Zach up the next afternoon. She stepped out of a carriage.
"Hey, is that one from our first night here?" Zach asked.
"Yes, it is," said Hermione.
"Wow, it feels like it was just yesterday," said Zach. He put his arms around her and kissed her.
"We're going to take this carriage to Hever Castle," said Hermione. "It's a bit of ride, so we'll have plenty of time to talk and enjoy the scenery."
"Sounds great! Let's do it!" Zach exclaimed.
ZACH CAM: "I know it's barely started, but I already feel great about this date. Hermione looks awesome, and now we get to cuddle up in a carriage for an hour. Good deal!"
Hermione began with the first question she used in the previous date. "How were things with you during the break?"
"Well, I went back to work. I wasn't sure if they'd have me back after being gone for so long, so that was lucky I guess," said Zach.
"Good!" Hermione said. "You know, I looked into the magic of Quidditch balls while we were away."
"Oh yeah?" Zach asked, interested.
"Yeah, I guess I wanted to learn more about what you did. I've never really been into sports, so I never learned about that branch of magic. Those enchantments you have to put on those balls are actually quite difficult!"
"Yeah, if I make a mistake and a ball goes haywire, then it's someone's life," said Zach. "You seem surprised, Hermione."
"Sorry," she said, blushing. "I must confess I always looked down on jocks."
"Well, I wasn't good enough to make a career out of being a jock," said Zach. "So this was the next best thing."
"It's pretty cool, actually," said Hermione.
They spent the remainder of the carriage ride discussing their career goals and how that might fit into their life as a couple. The thought of getting engaged seriously freaked Hermione out at this point. She was down to eight guys now, and she was supposed to be engaged to one of them in less than eight weeks. She was doubting if she could get there with any of them, let alone Zach.
They arrived at the castle, and they took the obligatory tour. Hever Castle had once been home to Anne Boleyn, a person whom Zach had obviously never heard of, but he listened to her story with intense interest. When the tour was over, they went to a large room in the center of the castle that had been converted into a movie theatre. Here they got dinner and an advanced screening of a much anticipated Wizard movie about the famous Quidditch player Catriona McCormack.
"This is a good movie, but," Zach whispered, "I can't stop thinking about Anne Boleyn!"
Hermione giggled. "What? Why?"
"I guess I didn't realize how savage muggles could be," said Zach.
"Uh, yeah. They can be just a cruel as dark wizards. Having magic or not having it doesn't change that."
"But...decapitation? Gods! That's brutal! At least with a Killing Curse it's painless," said Zach.
"Well, actually, if the decapitation is done well, then it severs the spine and eliminates pain. She probably didn't feel anything," said Hermione. "If that makes you feel any better."
"Kinda," said Zach. "Wow! Muggles really think their executions through!"
"That they do," Hermione laughed.
"Excuse me," said a familiar voice. It was Gilderoy Lockhart with a tub of popcorn. "Thought you might want a movie treat!"
"Alright! Thanks, man!" said Zach. He look the tub, and a rose was sitting in it.
"Ohh," Hermione groaned.
"So, umm," said Zach.
"Let's talk about that after the movie," said Hermione.
"Okay," said Zach, putting the rose aside.
ZACH CAM: "This date has been such an emotional roller coaster! First Anne Boleyn, now the rose. I don't know how much more I can take!"
HERMIONE CAM: "I am having such a great time, but that rose just reminds me that this show isn't about just having a great time. That rose ruins everything. Just when I'm really starting to feel like I could get somewhere with Zach. Is it enough? Think, Hermione, think!"
The movie ended, and Hermione, picked up the rose. "Zach, I need to unload a few things before I can get to this," she said.
"Okay," said Zach.
"I'm scared," she said. "I'm scared about what this rose means. I'm scared about letting people go that I could potentially have a great relationship with. The truth is in the real world I could have a great relationship with everyone left in the house, but I feel very pressured to speed things up and fall in love and get engaged, and I'm afraid I won't get there with any of you in the time allotted, so...I don't know what to do with this rose. I really don't."
"Ummm," said Zach.
"I'm sorry," said Hermione. "That was a lot to load onto you. I just had to say something to someone, and you're here, so..."
"So...," said Zach. He put his arm around her. "Well, obviously I would tell you to give me the rose," said Zach.
"Why?" Hermione asked.
"Why?" Zach asked. "What do you mean?"
"Do you see us getting engaged?" Hermione asked.
"I...uhhh," said Zach.
"How would you define our relationship right now?" Hermione pressed. "I'm attracted to you. I have fun with you. You're kind and smart…"
Zach laughed. "I'm not nearly as smart as you," he said.
"That's funny you think that. Because you know spells that I haven't the foggiest idea of how to perform," said Hermione.
"You could learn, though," said Zach. "Look, I like you, Hermione. You're different from other girls. You challenge me. I want you in my life. And yes, I could see it. I could see myself getting down on one knee and proposing to you."
She thought about Zach. She thought about other guys in the house. She said, "I think we're a good couple. But I don't know that we'd be good spouses."
"Why not?" asked Zach.
"I can't say why not," said Hermione. "You've done nothing wrong. That's what's so hard."
"Why the heck didn't you send me home when I asked you before?" Zach grumbled. He got up.
"Zach, wait!" Hermione cried. "I'm sorry! I didn't want it to end like this, but, gods! I'm second guessing everything and everyone all the time!"
"Hermione," Zach said, coming back to her. "I can't do this."
"I know," said Hermione. "This isn't fair to you."
"I think I need to go," said Zach. "I hope you find what you're looking for."
"Me too," said Hermione. They embraced, and she cried on his shoulder. "I'm afraid we're making a mistake."
"You've gotta do what's right for you, Hermione," he said.
"I don't know what's right," she said. "That's the problem."
ZACH CAM: "Hermione wasn't this distressed about having an Imperius Curse placed on her. I can't imagine what's going on in her head, so, even though it was pretty clear I was going home, I knew I needed to stay with her and let her talk through this."
"Man, they've been gone a long time," said Harry, taking his eyes off the wizard chess board.
"Pawn to E3," said Ron. He looked up from the board to the clock. "Huh. This has been an unusually long date."
As if on cue, the front door opened. Zach entered, his rose tucked behind his ear.
"Hey!" Harry and Ron said.
Zach took a bow. "I survived," he declared. The other men started to gather around to welcome him back.
JUSTIN CAM: "Wow. I sure didn't see that coming."
ZACH CAM: "We talked a lot, and, yeah. We're in a good place now. Hermione's been so stressed she can't think straight or really take time to explore her feelings. So we made the time."
Everyone sat down in the living room to chat. Zach said, "Guys, I just want to warn you. Hermione is freaking out."
"Like how?" asked Dean.
"She's doubting this entire process," said Zach. "She's afraid she's not going to get to the point where she needs to be to accept a proposal from any of us."
The atmosphere became heavy. "I get it," said Ron. "One of her guys turned out to be He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Of course she's on edge."
Everyone agreed. "We're all going to have to be very reassuring this week, and just show her a good time," said Oliver. "We probably won't want to dig too deep, you know. Just let her direct the conversation."
"Good to hear you have a plan, mate," said Zach. He held out a date card to Oliver.
OLIVER CAM: "I don't think I've ever been more terrified in my entire life." The crewman muttered something about Tom. "You heard me."
"What's it say?" Lee asked.
Oliver opened the card. "Oliver. Let's live out our fantasies. Hermione." He turned red.
LEE CAM: "Woo! These date cards are getting spicy!"
The next day, Hermione came to retrieve Oliver. Oliver wore a red polo, and Hermione wore skinny jeans and a purple blouse. She had her hair done up in a ponytail.
"Hey, cutie," said Oliver.
"Heyyy," said Hermione with a giggle.
OLIVER CAM: "Well, she seems happy. Pressure's on to keep her that way so that I can bring home that rose!"
HERMIONE CAM: "My relationship with Oliver has been a very nice, steady progression. I've never had to doubt his character or his feelings for me, but kinda like with Zach I question if we could really have a lasting marriage."
Hermione put her arm around Oliver and lead him to her cottage. "We're going to spend some time in London today," she said. "We're taking the Floo, and then we're going to have a little fun with transfiguration."
"Okay," said Oliver.
OLIVER CAM: "What?"
They arrived near Diagon Alley. A witch with pink hair greeted them. She appeared to be young, but still older than Hermione and Oliver. "Hello!" she said. "You must be the happy couple!" Hermione and Oliver smiled at each other, then introduced themselves to the witch. As they were talking to her, her hair started changing colors. "My name is Nymphadora Tonks, and I'm a metamorphmagus."
"Are you going to teach us how to do that?" Oliver asked.
Tonks laughed. "Unfortunately not. I was born with this ability." Her hair was green now, and she changed her skin from white to dark brown. "But, I do want to talk to you guys about appearances, and then we're going to do a little experiment." Hermione and Oliver nodded. "So, I assume, since you are both here together, and I understand that it is pretty far along in the show, that you are attracted to each other, yes?"
"Yes," said Oliver immediately. Hermione looked at him and shrugged, and he gasped.
"I'm teasing. Of course I'm attracted to him," said Hermione.
"And that's important," said Tonks. Her appearance was changing again, back to how she looked when they first met her. "But, as I'm sure you know, your appearance will change as you grow older. So I'm going to cast a charm on you that will artificially age you."
"Oh my," said Hermione.
"This is going to force you to consider something other than your outward appearance on this date. How much are you still attracted to each other? If you can pass this test, there's a good chance you will be successful as a couple," said Tonks.
"Alright," said Hermione. "Ready, Oliver?"
"I guess," said Oliver.
Tonks pointed her wand at their faces and muttered an incantation. Hermione felt a tingling sensation in her face that lasted about a minute. "Alright, what do you think?" Tonks asked. She held a mirror out for the both of them, and they screamed.
Oliver was bald except for the sides of his head. Hermione's hair had curled more. Both of their hair was gray, and they had deep wrinkles along their mouths and eyes.
OLIVER CAM: "I'm going to go bald. This is not the best way to find that out."
"We are dressed way too young," said Hermione. Her voice hadn't changed at all, which was strange.
Oliver altered his voice to try to sound older. "We are young at heart, dear. Let's hit the streets and show these whipper-snappers a thing or two."
Hermione laughed. "Okay. Should we stay in London or hit Diagon Alley?"
"What?" Oliver asked, pretending he couldn't hear. "Dragon tally?" he continued. "Why, I haven't seen a dragon in these parts since I was a wee little lad!"
"Are you going to do this the whole date?" Hermione asked.
Oliver coughed. "No. Sorry. I kinda want to get a cane, though."
"Oh, cane wands are wicked!" Hermione said.
"Let's do it!" Oliver exclaimed.
They went to Ollivander's. The wise, old wizard sat at his desk, examining a newly acquired specimen. He saw looked at the cameras and the couple entering his shop in confusion.
"Hello there, Mr. Ollivander," said Oliver, slipping back into his old man voice. "I'm looking for a cane to fit this here wand here."
"Oh, of course, sir," said Ollivander. "Let me see your wand." Oliver pretended to fumble for his wand before handing it to Ollivander. Ollivander examined the wand, then raised his eyebrow at Oliver. "It's been a long time since I've seen this wand, Mr...?"
"Uhhhh...Fiddlefaddle," said Oliver. "Johanis Fiddlefaddle."
"Johanis Fiddlefaddle?" Ollivander repeated. Hermione had to cover her mouth to stop from laughing. "Oh, yes, Johanis Fiddlefaddle. And this must be Mrs. Fiddlefaddle."
"Yes," Hermione squeaked.
"Spruce wood," Ollivander said, "with unicorn hair core. Mr. Fiddlefaddle, I can't say I remember you, but I remember selling this wand to a young Oliver Wood." He gave Oliver and Hermione another curious look with raised eyebrows, and they couldn't keep up the ruse any longer. Hermione and Oliver burst out laughing.
"It's us, Mr. Ollivander," said Hermione. "How are you?"
Olivander laughed. "Why, I'm doing just fine. And what is the meaning of all this?"
Oliver leaned against the desk. "Can you keep a secret, Mr. Ollivander?"
"I think I can, my boy," said Ollivander.
"We're on a date," said Oliver.
"Ohh!" Ollivander said, his eyes lighting up. "And...and...your appearance?"
"We're under a little spell. Seeing what it would be like to grow old together," said Oliver.
"Oh, I see! So it's getting serious, then?" asked Ollivander. Oliver looked at Hermione who nodded. Ollivander laughed. "Well," he said, "I've been married for forty years now. I have two wonderful children, a son and a daughter. If I could give you some advice, it would be this. You're not always going to like each other. There are going to be difficult days, but on those days, just remember the days like this, eh? And never stop having fun with each other, like you are now. That's the key to keeping the spark alive. Now, Mr. Wood, are you serious about purchasing a cane, because I think I have one here that would be a perfect fit?"
Oliver's eyes lit up. "Ohhhhhh yes. Thank you!" Ollivander winked and retired to his storage. Oliver whispered excitedly to Hermione, "I'm getting a cane!"
Hermione kissed him on the cheek. "Wonderful, dear."
The spell wore off in time for dinner. Oliver and Hermione ate at the Leaky Cauldron, and of course, the ominous rose appeared. Hermione put it aside politely to say what she needed to.
"So, I had a really great time today," said Hermione.
"Me too!" Oliver exclaimed. He spun his cane around gleefully.
"I want to say something, but I don't want you to take it the wrong way," said Hermione.
Oliver stopped spinning his cane and looked at Hermione in alarm. "Well, if you say it the right way, uhh..."
"You're like a big kid," said Hermione.
"Haha!" Oliver laughed, relieved that was all Hermione was thinking. "Well, when you work with kids, they kinda rub off on you."
"Right," said Hermione. "And I mean it as a compliment. Because I've had some heavy dates, and even though this date had a pretty serious component to it, it was still the most fun I've had in a really long time."
"You make the cutest little old lady," Oliver said
Hermione blushed. "Thank you. And you-"
"I looked ridiculous," Oliver said.
"No! You didn't. You looked fine. Like a sweet old man," said Hermione. Oliver smiled. "So, do you plan on working with kids your whole life?"
"Eh," Oliver said. "It boosts my income when I'm not playing for Puddlemere. Once I age out, I'm not sure what I'll do. I'd like to get hired on as a strategist."
"Oh, okay," said Hermione.
"I love the kids, don't get me wrong, but they do wear me out," said Oliver.
"Are you wanting to have kids of your own?" asked Hermione.
"I'm actually on the fence about that, to be honest. Which is strange coming from someone who chooses to be with kids a lot. But that's just the problem I suppose. Plus, if I do get to be a strategist, I'll be gone from home a lot. I guess I don't want to be one of those hands-off dads, you know. But I think I would really love being a grandfather," said Oliver.
Hermione laughed. "You can't be one without being the other."
"Yes, I'm aware of the conundrum," said Oliver.
"Well, I'm on the fence about having kids too, for a lot of the same reasons," said Hermione.
"It's hard," said Oliver.
"Yes," said Hermione. "Do you see yourself living mostly in the wizarding community or among muggles?"
"I grew up in a wizarding community," said Oliver. "I'm open to living around muggles, though."
"You're just very easy-going, aren't you?" asked Hermione.
"A lot of what other people fret about are just trivial matters to me."
"Having kids and where you live are trivial matters?"
"I've never made a plan for my life that wasn't somehow derailed, so, I just go with the flow. My priority when I'm in a relationship is just determining if I'm with the right person. If you're with the right person, the rest should fall into place," said Oliver.
"Okay," said Hermione. "Well, I think there is a possibility that you could be the right person for me." She picked up the rose. "So, Oliver..."
"Yes," said Oliver.
"You will accept this rose?" Hermione clarified.
"Absolutely," said Oliver. He took the rose, and they took the Floo back to Hermione's cottage, where they spent considerable more time getting to know each other.
"I've got the next date card," said Dean, walking onto the porch. The guys were sitting around a fire pit.
"Well, I wonder who is going to be on this one?" Ron asked.
"What if she left one of us off?" Neville mused.
"That's not going to happen. That's never happened," said Justin.
"She could forget someone," said Neville.
"She's not going to forget someone!" Harry protested. "Read the card, Dean."
Dean had already opened the card and was staring at it. "I can't," he said.
"What's wrong with it?" Ron asked.
"It's foreign," said Dean.
"Let me see," said Justin. Dean handed it to him, and he read. "Lee, Dean, Justin, Harry, Neville, Ron. O'zapft is! Hermione."
"Is that some weird spell we don't know?" asked Lee.
"No, it's German for 'it's tapped,'" said Justin. "I think we're going to Oktoberfest!"
"Dude, how do you know all of this?" Zach asked.
Justin shrugged. "I pick up a lot of things in the library."
JUSTIN CAM: "Beer is good. Going to Oktoberfest is a private dream of mine. But I'll let them all think I'm some sort of genius or something."
Oliver walked through the door with his rose and his cane. "Hey!" the guys all said in greeting.
"That's some fancy pants accessory you've got there," said Lee.
"It's a wand cane," Oliver bragged.
"Alright, we have roses, and one more rose on the group date," Zach said. "Then one of the five left over goes home."
The guys all looked at each other with uncertainty. Not a single one believed they would go home. But Zach was right. Someone would. They always did at the end of the week.
"Man, I don't want to think about that," said Lee. "You're sitting comfortable now, but next week is a new week, and you'll be on the chopping block again."
LEE CAM: "Why yes, I am annoyed that Zach's still here. It just boggles my mind that she's really got such strong feelings about all of us. Someone has to be standing out to her, right? At this point, she's gotta be feeling stronger about some more than others. It's frustrating not knowing where you stand."
"Reality is, we're all on the chopping block every week," said Ron. "Getting a rose one week won't guarantee you'll get one next week. But I do agree, piss off please. You wouldn't be so nonchalant about that if you didn't have a rose."
RON CAM: "Zach gets one special rose and suddenly thinks he's the frontrunner. We're all here because we've been frontrunners. Eight guys is a lot, but compared to 25, yeah. We're all frontrunners."
"Let's all get some sleep," Dean suggested. "We've been spending way too much time with each other."
"It's been less than a week since we've all come back to the show," Lee corrected him.
"And we all have separate rooms, yet we're all huddled in this one spot," said Dean. "Maybe we get separate rooms at this stage for a reason. We're all dating the same girl. I love all of you to death, but right now, I don't think I'm supposed to like you much."
"Dean's right. Let's get some time to ourselves," said Harry. "This is very odd, isn't it?"
"It's a miracle we haven't been at each other's throats yet," agreed Oliver.
JUSTIN CAM: "This entire time we've been focused on the standout yahoos. The obvious wrong fits like Cormac and Dudley. The awful human beings like Blaise, Draco, Tom... We banded together hating these guys, and now they're all gone. So the question is, will a new yahoo emerge from this seemingly sane bunch?"
Hermione came into the mansion the day of the group date. "Hey, guys!" she exclaimed.
"Hello!" they greeted in return.
Hermione sat down on the couch between Harry and Ron. "So, how's it going?" she asked. "How's mansion life?"
"We all have separate rooms now!" Dean announced proudly.
"That must be nice," said Hermione. "Okay, so we are going to be leaving England today. We're headed to Berlin to join the German wizarding community for Oktoberfest!"
JUSTIN CAM: "Deutschland! F*** ja!"
They took a Portkey to the Zauberergasse, the Diagon Alley of Berlin. It looked similar to Diagon Alley, with half-timbered buildings, and outside of every building was a keg of beer to try. German flags were strung across the roads. German wizards danced and drank in the streets. The alley opened up to a central square, and in this square were statues of famous German wizards. A traditional German folk band played in the square, and wizards danced the polka.
"Schau dir all diese schonen Manner an! Was fur eine gluckliche Frau!" a woman said to the group, then left to fill up her pint. Everyone looked at Justin for clarity.
"She said welcome to Oktoberfest," said Justin.
JUSTIN CAM: "She did not. I have no idea what she said."
Dean put his arm around Hermione. "Well, what's on the agenda?" he asked.
"Whatever you guys want," said Hermione. "It's an open date. We don't even have to all stay together."
That was a silly suggestion, because nobody was going to leave Hermione alone with someone else. So they got some beer and food, then went to the square for polka dancing. Justin knew how to actually polka dance and tried to teach everyone else.
Behind the central square, down another street, the alley opened up to a field full of carnival diversions. The men saw this as their opportunity to have some more intimate time with Hermione. They took turns taking Hermione away to the various attractions such as the ferris wheel, the mirror maze, and the games.
HERMIONE CAM: "Group dates are always a little crazy, but this was getting exhausting."
After she had a souvenir from each of her mini dates, Gilderoy appeared to bring them to their private tent, where a feast of traditional Oktoberfest food and beer was assembled for them, and the group date rose sat in the center. There was a lake and a boat where Hermione could take each of her guys to truly be alone.
HERMIONE CAM: "I'm really unsure right now as to who deserves that rose. I could justify giving it to probably any one of them. At this point I have a pretty clear picture of who these guys are, where they came from, and what makes them tick. I need a new approach."
"So, Harry, why should I give you the rose?" Hermione asked.
Harry choked on his beer. "I'm sorry?"
"Do you want the rose?" Hermione asked.
He looked around for any indication this was a trick question or some form of escape. Being in the middle of a lake, he had neither. The cameraman in the dingy next to them chuckled.
"Yes," he said. "I want the rose."
"Why?" she asked.
"Because...I...want...you?" Harry stammered. "Yeah. I want you in my life, and the rose means I get to stay on the show, so yeah. That's why."
Hermione smiled and kissed him.
HARRY CAM: "This date is bloody weird."
"Dean," Hermione asked. "Why should I give you the rose?"
Dean did the same maneuver Harry had. The cameraman roared. "Why," he started, "Why shouldn't you give me the rose?"
Hermione thought. Dean raised his eyebrow and leaned back in his chair expectantly. She decided to drop the question and proceed with kissing him.
DEAN CAM: "Nailed it! I think."
"Neville," said Hermione, "why should I give you the rose?"
"Huh?" Neville returned.
"I'm trying something new," Hermione explained. "I seriously want to know why you think you're here, how you feel about me, and why you think I should keep you on the show."
"I think," said Neville, "I think it's not a very fair question."
"Why not?" asked Hermione.
"The rose symbolizes a promise of wanting to move the relationship further. If I have to verbally justify the relationship at every turn, then there's not much trust there, and if that's the case, then I don't want the rose."
"Are you saying you don't want the rose?"
"No, not at all," said Neville. "I just think if I'm going to get the rose, it should be because you really want me to have it, not because I somehow convinced you through a series of questions."
"Hm," said Hermione.
HERMIONE CAM: "Neville's kinda deep."
NEVILLE CAM: "Oh gods, I'm going home."
"Lee, why should I give you the rose?" Hermione asked.
Lee ignored the question and proceeded to kiss Hermione.
HERMIONE CAM: "Lee can be very persuasive."
"Ron, why should I give you the rose?" asked Hermione.
"Because I'm falling in love with you," said Ron.
"Oh. Oh wow," said Hermione.
"Yeah, I've been wanting to tell you," said Ron. "I hope it's not too soon."
"No, it's not," said Hermione. "Thank you."
They kissed.
RON CAM: "I know I took a big risk there, but I'd rather take the risk and get eliminated now than stick around feeling that way and neither of us knowing what was going on."
"Justin," said Hermione, "why should I give you the rose?"
Justin thought. "I think we make a very good couple. And I think, no, I'm pretty sure I know that we'd be happy together. I love the time we spend together, and I don't want it to end."
Hermione smiled and kissed him.
HERMIONE CAM: "Justin gave a very stock answer. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't think anything he said is wrong. I might be second guessing how strong a relationship we actually have. Hmm..."
After she had taken each of her men out on the boat, she sat back down with them in the beer tent. Everyone stopped talking and looked at her, waiting for the inevitable announcement.
"Thank you all for showing me a great time tonight. Did you all enjoy Oktoberfest?" she asked.
"Jaaa!" they said, lifting their beers and laughing nervously. Each man had bought a Tyrolean hat. Lee, at some point, had changed into lederhosen.
"I'm going to give this rose to someone who really put himself out there today," she said, picking up the rose. "Ron, will you accept this rose?"
"Of course, thank you," said Ron.
DEAN CAM: "Ummm...I'm not counting, but, didn't Ron get the group date rose two dates in a row? Pretty sure he's gotten it two dates in a row. So, yeah. That's not fun to think about."
HERMIONE CAM: "I know I gave Ron the previous group date rose, but it just felt right tonight, after our time together, to let him know that we're on the same page."
NEVILLE CAM: "Took a risk...took a risk!? What'd he say that was riskier than what I said? Bloody hell. I'm going home. Stupid, stupid Neville."
Ron had a target on his back that was only magnified by Gilderoy's announcement that there would be a rose ceremony that night, and someone would be going home. There would be no cocktail party.
The men got on their suits and gathered in the ceremony room. Ron, Oliver, and Zach stood to the side.
Hermione entered, wearing a silver sequined dress. "I want everyone here to know that this decision was not easy," she began. "I care about each of you very much, which is why you're still here. This decision came down to how serious these relationships are at this point." She picked up a rose. "Harry."
Harry sighed in relief and accepted his rose, followed by Dean, Justin, and Neville.
"Ohhhh man," Lee said, staring at the floor.
"Lee, go ahead and say your goodbyes," Gilderoy instructed. Lee hugged each of his comrades warmly before facing Hermione.
"Can I walk you out?" Hermione asked.
"Sure," he said.
OLIVER CAM: "Lee is going to be missed, but I'm not surprised he's going home. He's a good guy, a great guy, but I'm not sure he was really ready to be married."
"Obviously, Lee, this is not because we didn't have a connection or because I haven't enjoyed your company," said Hermione.
"I get it," said Lee. "It's like you said. Our relationship just wasn't there."
"I'm sorry, Lee," said Hermione.
"Nah, it's cool," said Lee. "You're a great girl, Hermione. Too good for me. Probably two good for the lot in there too, but, someone like you will always have to settle. I'm sorry it wasn't me. I did really like you, Hermione."
Hermione hugged him, and a crewman brought him his luggage. With a last wink, he got into the carriage to go home.
LEE CAM: Lee wiped away tears in the carriage. "Friendzoned again! Always friendzoned. F***. I f***ed up, man. I f***ed up real bad. I never told her what I really felt. I thought I showed her, but I guess that wasn't enough. Damn. And Zach's still there? That's f***ed up more, man."
HERMIONE CAM: "It became painfully obvious to me on that last date that mine and Lee's relationship wasn't going to get any deeper than physical attraction. I didn't want to let him go, but I had no choice. Maybe under other circumstances it could have worked out. It's not going to get any easier, though. Gods, I don't want to even think about next week when I have to do that again."