A/N: Happy Thanksgiving! :)
Cho, Cedric, and Luna stood in line to enter the MBBC live studio. Bachelor fanatics stood around them, many dressed in devotion to their favorite contestant. There were some wearing fake glasses and lightning scars on their foreheads. There was a TEAM NEVILLE group, and a much larger MARRY ME RON group. There were too many Viktor fangirls-and fanboys-and too many SNAPE'S ARMY shirts to count (and the more direct FUCK YOU-KNOW-WHO). Then there were the outliers, the FUTURE MRS. SMITHs and FUTURE MRS. FINCH-FLETCHLEYs. There was a male fan bearing a shirt that Luna adored with Dean and Seamus's pictures together in a heart. Most of these people wouldn't even get into the studio. Cho, Cedric, and Luna, however, had a golden ticket.
"Oh my gosh," Cho whispered. "Is that the Weasleys?"
Luna gasped. "Yes! That's Molly and Arthur." A mass of Ron fangirls had crowded around them and were taking selfies with them.
"Ahh, yes, and your name was?" Molly was asking them. They giggled and listed their names. "Okay, and your ages?...That's not too young, do you think, Arthur?"
"Too young for what?" Arthur asked. "Oh, no, Molly!"
"Yes, I'll give Ron your numbers," said Molly. The fangirls screeched. Arthur pressed his hands to his ears in misery.
"Hm," said Luna. "Should I throw my hat in that ring?"
Cho smacked her. "Too far," she said. "You can have anyone from the bottom ten."
Luna considered, then shrugged.
The doors to the studio opened, and those with tickets were ushered inside. Luna, Cho, and Cedric were seated in a front row on the left. The chairs were all assembled.
"Do you think Draco or Blaise will show their faces?" Cho asked.
"Umm, no," said Luna. "Pretty sure they'd be mysteriously killed backstage. I do hope Severus shows, though."
"What about that muggle bloke?" asked Cedric.
"Oh, yeah," said Cho. "Was his memory wiped?" Luna nodded. "Then he couldn't," Cho said.
"That's a shame," said Cedric. "He'd have shook things up a bit. This group likes each other far too much for a reality show."
"That is true," laughed Cho. "This is going to be a really tame Men Tell All."
The lights flickered. Gilderoy stepped onto the stage, and the audience shrieked in excitement.
"Hello Bachelor Nation!" he cried. The screams were deafening. He was in his best white suit, and his teeth had been whitened to match. "Okay, I-"
"I LOVE YOU GILDEROY!"
"Hi, Molly!" Gilderoy said with a wave.
"WOOO!"
Laughs and cheers. Gilderoy held up his hands to quiet them down. "Okay, so, we're going to line up the boys now." Cheering at this. He held up his hands again. "When we announce each bachelor, I want you to cheer as if you're seeing them for the first time, even though it will not be the first time. Understand? You must act surprised."
They clapped and nodded to indicate their understanding, and Gilderoy flashed them a bigger smile. "Great. I'll go get them now."
"Gentlemen," said Marcus Flint, "the pool is now open."
"Five on Harry Potter," said Dean Thomas, slamming the galleons onto Marcus's open ledger.
"I've got another two on Harry," said Lee Jordan.
"Honestly, I'm surprised Harry is there over me," said Zach. "I'll take three on Neville."
"Fool, it's Harry Potter," said Lee. "Shut your mouth."
"Actually, I have five on Neville," said Colin.
"Oh, Colin's got Neville?" asked Seamus. "Then five on Neville for me too! Oliver, where you at?"
"Gah, I don't know!" Oliver exclaimed. "They're both so deserving."
"Shut up," Lee said. "Put that money on Harry."
"Yeah, alright, two on Harry," said Oliver. "Who else is here?" He looked around. "Cormac! Who you got?"
"Huh?" Cormac asked.
"In the pool?" asked Oliver.
"There's a pool here?" Cormac asked.
"Yeah, Marcus's pool!"
"Marcus brought his pool!? Sweet, I brought my speedo!"
"Oh, no," said Oliver. "That's not...aaaaaaaaand he's naked."
A crewmember entered their room. "Alright, guys, time to line up." He looked at Cormac. "And for Merlin's sake, man, put on some clothes!"
"BUT IT'S CORMAC TIME!" Lee cried. The men laughed and clapped. The crewmember rolled his eyes. "Fine," he said. "Line up in order of when you left the show, alright?"
"Uh-huh," said Ernie Macmillian. "Zach, that means you first."
"Very funny," said Zach. "And who are you?"
Ernie pointed to his shirt. He wore a name tag that said "HELLO, MY NAME IS NOT ZACHARIAS SMITH."
"Ohhhh shit," said Dean. "Drama ahead, boys!"
"Save it for the cameras," said Justin. He ushered Zach to the back of the line with him. Ernie glared at them from the front.
"Alright, Bachelor Nation, here they are! Your bachelors...ERNIE MACMILLIAN! CORMAC MCLAGGEN! VIKTOR KRUM!" Pause for excessive cheering. "SEAMUS FINNEGAN! MARCUS FLINT! SEVERUS SNAPE!" At this, all of the men around Severus threw their arms around him while the audience leaped to their feet. Severus's face remained stoic. What the bloody hell was actually happening? He pushed the boys off himself and shivered. Damn Dumbledore for making him do this episode. "COLIN CREEVY! LEE JORDAN! DEAN THOMAS! OLIVER WOOD!" There were a few "boos" at Oliver Wood, to which Oliver looked at the guys around him in shock. "JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLY! And ZACHARIAS SMITH!" The audience cheered until they were ordered to quiet down. "AAAND!" Gilderoy interjected, "Ron Weasley is also here!" The cheers started up again at this announcement, with even more passion. "BUT," Gilderoy continued, "he will not be joining us until a little later. And of course, our bachelorette, HERMIONE GRANGER!" The audience sprang back to their feet at this announcement. Luna and Cho exchanged proud looks. This was all their doing.
"Okay, Bachelor Nation, we've already had quite the season, haven't we? I know we say this a lot, but this truly was, the most dramatic season in bachelor history. And I sincerely hope that we never top this one, folks. Wow. So, how about we just get this out of the way now? Severus, will you please join me in the hot seat?" Gilderoy asked.
"Yeah, Professor!" the boys cried in agreement. Severus was still in shock at his reception by this group. Never in his life had he been so welcomed. Usually the best he could hope for was indifference. He sat beside Gilderoy.
"Professor Snape," said Gilderoy. "I think you were easily the most controversial figure on the show night one."
"Was I?" Severus asked. "How? I barely did anything. I talked to Hermione, I got my rose, and I left everyone else alone."
"Oh, ho ho!" Gilderoy said. "Cue the clips."
The audience turned their attention to the big screen on the right end of the stage. Cormac's face appeared, saying, "Da f*** is this old guy doing here? Move along, grandpa! Hermione is my woman!"
The audience laughed and oooooohed in sympathy. Cormac turned red. "I see," said Severus. "Pray tell me, Cormac, what does a 'magical model' do?
""I...I get my picture taken for advertisements and such," said Cormac.
"I see," said Severus. "And what's magical about that?"
"I model wands," said Cormac. "Robes. Brooms."
"Yes, but what magic do you do?" Severus pressed. The audience was giggling.
Lee Jordan raised his hand. "Uhh, Professor?"
"Yes, Lee," said Severus.
"His face is the magic, sir," said Lee. "Obviously."
"Obviously," Severus echoed. Was that a smile that briefly cracked his face?
Gilderoy laughed, and then said, "Yes, Lee, as I recall, you had something to say about the Professor too!"
LEE CAM: There's something wrong with that bloke. He's like wicked creepy. He just be staring at us like..." He shivered. "I dunno. This is weird, man. What is he doing here? What is his game?"
The men were dying of laughter. Lee and Severus locked eyes. Lee stammered. "Umm, obviously, sir," Lee began, "I did not know you that well and was judging you by your age and your looks. This man is a hero, and I apologize for my childish words. But, if I'm being honest, you do still scare me quite a lot, sir."
"Thank you, Lee," said Severus. "I accept your apology." The audience clapped and cheered appropriately.
"But," said Gilderoy, "there have been rumors since the incident that the Order of the Phoenix planted you on the show specifically to protect Harry Potter. What can you say to that, Severus?"
Severus scoffed. "It is not true. The Order is of course always looking out for Mr. Potter, but, I came on the show of my own accord for one simple reason. I was lonely."
"Awwwwww," said the audience.
"You know, I am not the best looking man. I spent most of my life pining for a woman who would never return my feelings. I knew it was late for me, but, I really did want to put myself out there," said Severus. "Now, when I applied, I didn't think for a second you would actually choose me, but, I am glad you did."
"Hermione did have some early feelings for you. You got one of the first one-on-ones, and had quite a nice relationship in the beginning. What changed?" said Gilderoy.
"The world changed," said Severus. "The Order is much busier now. And I did realize...she wasn't going to pick me, in the end. I could see, the way she interacted with the boys, and the way she interacted with me. It wasn't right, in the end. But she and the young men here now inspired me to devote myself even more deeply to the cause of fighting dark magic." Applause.
"But, don't you wonder what would have happened if you'd have stayed?" asked Gilderoy.
"Sure I do," said Severus. "But, my love life has experienced a significant boost since I've been on the show."
"Oooooh!" said the audience.
"Care to elaborate?" Gilderoy pressed.
"No," Severus said. "Can I please go back to my seat now?"
"Ahhhh, fine," said Gilderoy. "Severus Snape, everyone!"
"WOOOOOOOO!" the audience cheered. Several of the men in the chairs opened their jackets again, exposing their SNAPE'S ARMY shirts.
"Alright," said Gilderoy. "It's time for a commercial break. When we come back, we'll talk about how Hermione was able to cast such a powerful spell over Bachelor Nation, and...was Zacharias Smith really destined to go home week two? Stay tuned!"
During the commercial breaks, the audience was allowed to ask questions of the men. The first round had culminated in a slide show of "The Best of Cormac McLaggen."
"I need to ask Viktor something," Cedric said.
"Okay," said Cho. "What are you going to ask him?"
"I don't know," said Cedric, staring at the stage blankly. "But as Hermione isn't going to be marrying him, this will be my only chance to say something."
The lights flickered to indicate it was time to begin again. The audience hushed, and Cormac's pictures left the screen. Gilderoy welcomed the viewers back to the show.
"Hermione Granger surely captured the hearts of millions, as well every bachelor we see before us. Tell me, bachelors, what is it about Hermione?" asked Gilderoy.
"When you see Hermione," said Colin, "it's like every other girl in the universe doesn't exist."
"Yeah, I definitely had a similar experience," said Seamus. "She is everything you want in a witch."
"She is smart," said Justin, "she is classy, and she is, of course, beautiful."
"Even when she sent you home, she really made you feel like she was sorry," said Marcus. "She did a good job at making us all feel like we mattered."
Ernie Macmillian scoffed.
"Speaking of sending people home," said Gilderoy, "one controversy this season has been the sheer number of you that Hermione sent home apart from rose ceremonies. Raise your hand if you were sent home on a one-on-one date." Viktor, Seamus, Colin, and Dean raised their hands. "So, let me ask you this, guys," said Gilderoy. "Do you feel like you were sent home prematurely or unfairly?"
"Heck no," said Colin. "I screwed up." Everyone laughed. Lee patted him on the back reassuringly.
"For those of you who need a refresher, Colin is of course referring to when he told Hermione 'I love you,' on their one-on-one," said Gilderoy.
"That's tricky though!" Dean exclaimed. "Because I feel like I was sent home for not saying 'I love you!'"
"This show is a tricky dance," said Justin. "You have to fall for the girl, which I think, none of us had a real problem with in the beginning. But then every relationship gets on a different track. And if Hermione isn't falling for you at the same rate you're falling for her, it kinda all fell apart. At least that's what I felt like was happening towards the end. The two guys who are left were always on the same page as her," said Justin.
"That's very well said," said Gilderoy.
"I want to say," said Dean, "I learned so much about myself from this. I had such a great first one-on-one with Hermione that I got cocky and thought I could just skate through to the end. It doesn't work like that, man. Nothing in life works like that."
"Dean, you sound like you're talking about winning a race or something," said Oliver.
"I don't care what anyone says, this is as much a competition show as it is a dating show," said Dean. "And some people knew how to play the game very well."
"And I was not one of them," said Colin.
"Yeah, if Colin had kept his big mouth shut, maybe he'd have stuck around. Who knows?" said Dean.
"Although," said Oliver, "yes, you're right. It is a game. But I don't think anyone can legitimately argue that Harry and Neville are still there because they simply played a good game."
"Oh, absolutely not," agreed Dean.
"Okay, this is great," said Gilderoy. "Let's hear from Viktor. He was the first to leave on a date. What'd you think of Hermione's letting you go?"
Everyone hushed when Viktor spoke. "I think," said Viktor, "that if you are not feeling a connection with someone when you are on a one-on-one date, it is only right to send them home. For me especially, with being a professional athlete, I had asked her on an earlier date to send me home if she had doubts."
"Oh, I don't think many of us knew that," said Gilderoy.
"A conversation that ended up on the cutting room floor," said Viktor. "Yes. Hermione did the right thing, although of course it made me sad."
"Seamus?" Gilderoy asked.
"I don't know," said Seamus. "I mean, Colin's talking about how he screwed up, but, I made a right fool of myself on my date too. If I hadn't teleported the Blarney Stone, maybe me and Hermione would have had more quality time, and maybe she would have felt differently about me. I just kept thinking about that, you know?"
"If only we had time turners," said Gilderoy.
"Exactly!" Seamus exclaimed.
"Okay, well, we're going to take another break. When we come back: good guy, or con artist? Zacharias Smith joins us in the hot seat! Stay tuned!"
Gilderoy invited Molly and Arthur Weasley on stage to answer questions, and the white-suited host went offstage to have some liquor. Zach turned to Justin.
"Con artist? Is that what they're calling me?" Zach asked. "Why? What'd I do?"
Justin shrugged his shoulders politely. "A lot of people don't like you, Zach."
"Wha?" he huffed. "What'd I do?"
"People thought you shouldn't have been in the top four, is all," said Justin.
"Well, that's not their decision," said Zach. He turned around and looked at Ernie. "This is about Ernie, isn't it?"
"Maybe," said Justin.
"Idiot," scoffed Zach. "He's just butthurt from being sent home week two."
"Well," said Justin. "The fact that Hermione didn't immediately correct her mistake, kind of implies that she wasn't planning on keeping either of you around. People think you might have...weaseled your way through."
"Hermione had many opportunities to send me home," said Zach. "She sent home lots of guys, and she didn't me. Why doesn't anyone see that we actually had something?"
The lights flickered. The audience cheered for Arthur and Molly, then cheered for the beginning of the next segment.
"Welcome back, Bachelor Nation!" Gilderoy began. "Every season of The Bachelor and Bachelorette has some controversial contestants. While the worst of this season's are not here today, we do have one Zacharias Smith. Now Zach flew under the radar in the beginning, so under the radar that Hermione nearly sent him home week two."
"She did," whispered Ernie. "She did send him home, but she said my name!"
"So how did Zach make it all the way to hometowns? Let's find out. Zacharias Smith, everyone!" There were polite claps, and some enthusiastic cheers, from the audience. Zach sat beside Gilderoy. "So, Zach," said Gilderoy. "How did you feel when you learned that you were going to go home week two?"
"I think that's a very unfair question," Zach started.
He was unable to finish, because Ernie stood up. "Don't talk to me about unfair! Because she got our names wrong, you got to spend more time with her! She got to know you better, and she took you all the way to hometowns! That should have been me!"
"Do you hear how stupid that sounds? If she cared that much about keeping you, then why didn't she correct it? She made a conscious decision to keep me and let you go that day, however it happened," said Zach.
"To be fair," interjected Gilderoy, "it is surprising that you stuck around as long as you did given that at this point she didn't know you well enough to get your name right."
"Well," said Justin, "it's like Ernie said. She got to know Zach better as the weeks progressed. Maybe Ernie would have stayed longer than another week."
"It did seem at some points that Hermione had her mind made up before we even did anything," agreed Oliver.
"But then new information would change her mind," said Zach.
"You were quite the master at that," said Gilderoy. "I think this is where the controversy comes in. It seems every time you were on the chopping block, something would happen to cause her to let someone else go. The incident with Oliver, for example."
"Did I get a lucky break? Sure," admitted Zach. "Ernie, I am sorry about the way this went down. I would much rather have been chosen on my merits than because of a screw up with names. Still," he said, "Hermione and I really did bond. Just because most of the early footage of me was edited out, doesn't mean I wasn't there. We had conversations. We had moments."
"Ultimately, the show lets you see what they want you to see," said Justin. "I was on the two-on-one with Zach. I can vouch for his and Hermione's connection."
"She wanted to pick you, though!" Lee groaned. "Man, listen to this! Zach's got Justin duped too. Did you watch that episode? Hermione was devastated that she wasn't giving you the rose! And she didn't give you the rose because Zach was the one showering her with affection. On his one-on-one, she was going to let him go, and then he wouldn't leave. He showered her with affection until she gave in. That's his game, man! This is a man who knew how to play the game. He hangs out in the background, he's harmless, she forgets about him, she sends others home. He skated all the way to hometowns like that. It's stupid."
Some audience members cheered. Zach seethed. Before Gilderoy could speak, Severus spoke up. "This whole argument is stupid," he said. "What does it matter why or how someone got to whatever spot in the line of Hermione's exes? Zach isn't going to marry her any more than Ernie is going to marry her. End of story. End of all of our stories."
They sat in silence. Gilderoy cleared his throat. "Aaand it's time for a commercial break! When we come back, we'll talk about this season's best bromances, and we'll talk to Oliver Wood about his bizarre exit from the show."
Gilderoy opened the floor to new questions from the audience. Cedric shot his hand into the air.
"Yes," said Gilderoy, pointing at him. "The handsome man in the front row."
"My question is for Viktor Krum," said Cedric. "Hi. I'm Cedric, I'm Hermione's friend, actually. Captain of the Hufflepuff Quidditch team my last two years there. Ummm. I dunno, I just wanted to talk to you, man. You're a legend. I was so bummed when Hermione sent you home, because whoever she marries, I'm gonna be around a lot, and...how's Bulgaria looking this year?"
Cho dropped her head into her hands. "He can ask him anything, and he picks the most basic question possible!" she whispered.
Luna was recording the exchange on her phone. "Look at him fanboy. So cute," said Luna.
"Thank you very much for your kind words, sir. I too am sad Hermione sent me home, haha! We would have been good friends, I'm sure," said Viktor. "Bulgaria is going all the way this year."
Everyone cheered politely, and Cedric nodded his head as if Viktor had just said the most profound statement about Quidditch possible. "Thank you very much, sir!" he said, and then sat down. Cedric was in a daze of happiness.
The lights flickered. Gilderoy flashed his smile to the camera and said, "Welcome back, Bachelor Nation, to the Men Tell All. Next week, we will finally learn which man Hermione will choose to be her husband. Harry Potter?" He paused for the cheers. "Or Neville Longbottom?" Equal cheers. "One thing that has set this season apart from others, I think, and I think our studio audience will agree, is that despite the adversity, or perhaps because of it, the friendships formed in this group are stronger than we've ever seen before. Let's take a look at some of our favorite bromances of the season."
The lights dimmed, and everyone directed their attention to the screen.
Harry and Ron were in the hot tub together.
"Harry," said Ron, "will you at this thing on my foot?"
Ron took his foot out of the water and put it in front of Harry's face. Harry took Ron's foot. "What am I looking for?" Harry asked.
"See that hard brown thing?" Ron asked.
"Oh, yeah," said Harry. Harry touched it. "Looks just like a normal wart to me. Does it hurt?"
"A little," said Ron. "Do you think it's serious?"
"I'd have Severus look at it," said Harry. Harry still had Ron's foot in his hand. He rubbed the wart.
"That feels good," said Ron.
"Yeah?" said Harry. He kept rubbing Ron's foot.
The camera zoomed into Ron's face. Ron's eyes rolled back in pleasure. "Yeah, just like that," said Ron.
"You owe me for this," said Harry.
The men on stage were gagging. The audience was squealing in delight and disgust. The scene changed to Oliver and Lee.
Oliver and Lee were cooking pasta together.
"Is this done?" Lee asked, holding up a spaghetti noodle.
"Let me see," said Oliver. Lee dangled it in front of Oliver, and Oliver opened his mouth for it. He took a bite. "Nope, not yet," said Oliver. "Give me another one in like, three minutes."
On stage, Lee and Oliver smiled at each other. Lee blew Oliver a kiss. The scene changed again to Cormac in his room.
Cormac was shirtless and was applying gel to his hair. He stared into the mirror, saying, "You one sexy motherf*****. Ohhhhh yeah." He spun around and pointed fake guns at himself, then made a kissy face at himself. "It's Cormac time."
On stage, Cormac nodded his head as if this was completely normal behavior. The scene changed again, this time to Dean and Seamus. The audience roared in approval.
Dean and Seamus were in the same bed, under the same blankets, a bowl of popcorn between them.
"Oh gods, noooooo!" Seamus cried on stage. Dean buried his head in his hands in embarrassment.
It was obviously a scary movie they were watching. Dean and Seamus jumped at the same time and threw their arms around each other.
The audience screamed with laughter. The scene changed, still Dean and Seamus.
They were in the same bed, the popcorn bowl overturned between them and they'd fallen asleep together. Seamus's head was on Dean's shoulder.
"Oh my," said Gilderoy. "Dudes! What?"
"That was not normal!" Dean exclaimed. His skin was dark red. "Oh my gods, I hate you guys."
"It was one of those off nights, you know," said Seamus. "We did not fall sleep together on a regular basis."
"You just, you know, you can't watch a scary movie alone," said Dean. "You just can't."
"Can I just point out the wording you just used? 'On a regular basis.' Implying this has happened more than once," said Gilderoy.
Seamus sighed. "Only twice."
"I was really bloody drunk the first time," said Dean.
Gilderoy stared at them. "That is not making your case any better." The audience laughed, and Gilderoy decided to leave them alone. "Okay, in all seriousness, watching these friendships form has been one of the best parts of this season. So thank you all. It's really nice to see that men who are all dating the same woman can still get along so well. But let's turn our attention once again to a controversial man on the stage. Oliver Wood was an early favorite on the show, but in Hawaii, a surprise visitor changed the course of his journey. Oliver, please join me in the hot seat." There were polite claps for Oliver, but the atmosphere was tense. There were many who did not approve of Oliver's treatment of both Hermione and Katie. "Oliver," said Gilderoy, when he sat down, "can you tell me in your own words what happened."
"Okay," said Oliver, after a deep breath. "So, like I explained to the guys, and to Hermione, Katie was one of my best friends all throughout school. And, you know how it is when you're friendzoned with someone."
"No, I can't say I do," said Gilderoy smugly. Some in the audience giggled.
"Well, okay, so, Katie was my teammate on the Gryffindor team. I was her captain. It wasn't really accepted for team members to date, especially the captain, so I just never thought of her that way. I had no idea she thought of me that way. And I told Hermione about her early on, because my being best mates with a girl had been a problem before in my past relationships."
"Oh, I bet is was," said Gilderoy.
"Yeah, so I explained who she was to Hermione, Hermione was cool with it, and we had a really good time on the show together."
"Hermione had real feelings for you," said Gilderoy. "So, what happened when Katie came to Hawaii?"
"Well, she's in tears. Like I've never seen her like that, in my life, so I'm really concerned. When she told me that she was in love with me, it was like my whole world flipped upside down."
"I'd like to, if you don't mind, show a clip from that episode. Katie had some really strong words," said Gilderoy. "Let's watch."
"Oliver," Katie said, "I'm in love with you."
Oliver stared at her blankly. "What?"
"Have you really never thought about it?" she asked.
"No," he answered. "I mean...the idea might have crossed my mind, but it was just that, an idea. I never seriously considered...are you sure?"
"I am," she said. "And I couldn't let you continue down this path without telling you."
"What do you think...what do you expect to happen now?" Oliver asked.
"I don't know," said Katie. "When you came on this show, I didn't expect you to be gone so long. You're really far along now."
"Yeah," he said, getting annoyed. "Pretty far along."
"Do you love her?" she asked.
"I...I'm falling for her," said Oliver. "And I think she is me."
Katie sighed. "You always do this."
"Do what?"
"Chase after girls who end up hurting you. And the whole time I've been here. Do you know how hard it is for me to watch you do this over and over? And now you're doing it on television!" She started crying.
The audience was silent when the clip ended. Gilderoy said, "How did you feel about her assessment of you?"
"I mean," said Oliver, "she's not wrong. My dating history has been a trainwreck. And it hurt me doubly to hear that she'd been pining after me all those years."
"Why do you think she hadn't told you until now?" asked Gilderoy.
"Well, quite honestly, I never really gave her space to. It was just like she said. I was always chasing after someone else. I wish she would have said something before I went on the show."
"Would things have been different?" Gilderoy asked.
"Yeah, honestly. I wouldn't have put her through that. It would have saved a lot of time and heartache," said Oliver.
"Okay, so, I know the question on everyone's mind," said Gilderoy, "where are you guys now? Are you still friends? More?"
"More," said Oliver.
The audience gasped. "So, how much more?" Gilderoy pressed.
"We're not...we're dating. And it's going well, I'd say," said Oliver.
"So she's your girlfriend?" Gilderoy pressed further.
"Yes," said Oliver.
The audience clapped, but not everyone was convinced.
"Well, that's good to hear," said Gilderoy. "Better late than never."
"Yeah, exactly. I wish circumstances would have been different, but I'm glad we got there," said Oliver.
"When Hermione sent you home, she said, 'What I'm hearing is you're going to treat Katie as some sort of consolation prize if I don't pick you.' Harsh words. Is there any truth to that?"
Oliver sighed. "You know, I've dealt with this question a lot. It was the least ideal way for our relationship to begin. I wish Katie would have told me before I went on the show, then I wouldn't have had to involve Hermione at all. Look, for everyone who doubts me, I get it. I was a total moron about the whole thing. You are absolutely right about that. I mean, watching it back, I would have sent me home too. I feel extremely blessed that Katie still accepts me with all of my flaws. I feel like our relationship is our own business, and I would appreciate if people would keep their opinions to themselves on the matter. It is between me and Katie. Period."
This statement elicited more applause. Gilderoy nodded his head. "Well, Oliver, I think that'll do. When we come back, we'll be joined by the wizarding world's new favorite redhead, Ron Weasley!" The audience burst into cheers at this. "And Hermione Granger herself will come to confront her exes for the first time. Stay tuned!"
Gilderoy turned once more for questions from the audience. He called on a dark-haired witch wearing a MARRY ME RON shirt. "I have a question for Hermione's friends," she said.
"Hermione's friends? Oh, right, right behind me," said Gilderoy. "Do you guys mind?"
Cedric elbowed Cho, who was chatting to Luna about something completely different. "They want to talk to us," he whispered.
"Us?" Cho asked. "Oh, sure." A crewmember handed Cho a microphone. "What do you want to know?"
"Who do you hope Hermione marries? Or, are you disappointed in her current choices at all?"
"Oh, wow!" said Cho. "Well, I won't lie, I thought Hermione made some dumb choices in the early part of the season, but I do not have anything bad to say about Harry and Neville. I guess I'd say that Harry more closely matches who I would think she'd go with. But she seems really attached to Neville too, and they are very cute together."
"So you really don't know who she's with?"
"No," said Cho. "Hermione has been impossible to get any information out of. We don't even watch the show together because she's afraid she'll give something away."
The audience gasped and laughed at this. Another woman raised her hand, and Gilderoy called on her. The woman had blonde hair and was wearing a stylish white dress. "Who is your question for?" asked Gilderoy.
"Hermione's friends," said the woman. "What's the most surprising thing Hermione's done this season?"
Cho looked at Luna for help. Luna stood up and took the mic. "The most surprising thing she's done is the whole thing. Hermione was always cynical about love and people on this show. It so refreshing to see her embrace the process."
Hands shot up all over the studio. "Okay, umm, Hermione's friends will take more questions after the next segment," said Gilderoy. The lights flickered, and everyone got back into their TV-perfect poses. "Welcome back, Bachelor Nation! Last week we witnessed the heartbreaking goodbye between Hermione and Ron. Ron fell for Hermione early, and Hermione once described Ron as 'the guy she became friends with the fastest,' but just when we thought he had left the friendzone for good, she decided to send him home. Let's find out what went wrong with this relationship. Ladies and gentlemen, Ron Weasley!"
The audience sprang to their feet when Ron walked on. The men all followed suit. Gilderoy shook his hand warmly, and Ron waved awkwardly to the guys and to the audience. He sat down.
"Ron, Ron, Ron," said Gilderoy. "You were a favorite on the show from the very beginning. Including with Hermione. Let's just talk right now about the early dates. You had one of the first one-on-ones! Tell us all what that was like."
"Well," said Ron, "it was sort of a weird date because of the half-giant and the dead possums and the little shack in the Forbidden Forest. Also, did I mention the extremely deadly animal we were with?"
Everyone laughed. "Okay, but, how were you feeling about Hermione?" asked Gilderoy.
"Oh, Hermione was great," said Ron. "Really great! Too great."
"Do you think that Hermione eventually decided you weren't good enough for her?" asked Gilderoy.
Ron's demeanor shifted. The audience awwwwed.
"Dude," said Dean Thomas, "if that's the reason, then she's not good enough for you, or Harry or Neville. Gilderoy, what kind of a question was that?"
The audience cheered. Gilderoy turned red. "Rita wrote that question," said Gilderoy.
"Well, it definitely crossed my mind multiple times," said Ron. "There were times when I still could not believe Hermione would be into me. Maybe that was part of my problem, you know?"
"Yet, you were one of the first people to say 'I love you' to her," said Gilderoy.
"Well of course," said Ron. "How could I not? I loved her very much. I would have loved to spend forever with her."
The audience awwwwwwed again.
"Well, you know she's here tonight. I assume you haven't seen her since the break up?"
"Hehe, no," said Ron.
"How have you been since the end?"
"Well," said Ron, "I'm not too much of a man to admit that I cried a lot. But honesty. I am coming to terms with it. I see the relationship she's formed with my mates, and, I know she's happy with whichever one she's with, so, I am coming to terms with it."
"Okay, that begs another question. How are you and Harry?" Gilderoy asked. The audience and men laughed appropriately.
"That is the big question, isn't it?" Ron asked. "You know, Harry and I, we are going to be okay. I did eventually return his text." More laughter here. "I don't know if he's engaged to the woman of my dreams, so, we're not talking a whole lot. But whatever happens, I will always count him as one of my best mates."
Another big "awwww" here.
"Well, Ron, you are a great man. Are you ready to face Hermione?" Gilderoy asked. Ron gulped and nodded. "Alright, Ladies and Gentlemen, Hermione Granger!" Gilderoy announced. The audience got to their feet again when Hermione stepped onto the stage. She was wearing a shiny red dress. The guys clapped as well, some of them with pain in their eyes at how good she looked.
Hermione gave a special wave to her friends before sitting down on the other side of Gilderoy. "Hi, Gilderoy! Hi, Ron," she said. "Everyone," she added, to the men assembled on the stage.
"Hermione, Hermione, Hermione," said Gilderoy. "How are you?"
"I'm great, Gilderoy," said Hermione.
"Are you ready for this to be over?"
"Oh, gods, yes!" Hermione exclaimed. "I just hate having to keep secrets from everyone."
"So, I take it you're happy?" asked Gilderoy.
"Yes," she said, with a big smile. "Very happy."
The audience cheered at this. Hermione smiled to them. "Well, Hermione, I can't wait to talk to you about how happy you are on After the Final Rose. However, today we're here to talk about some very unhappy people." Gilderoy gestured to the group assembled.
Hermione turned red and covered her face. "Do you have to say it like that?"
"Well, hehe, that was also a Rita Skeeter line," said Gilderoy. "Umm, so, we've been talking to Ron here. A very popular man, by the way. And I think we're all wondering what was going through your head when you sent him home."
The audience clapped in approval of the question.
"Okay," said Hermione. She took a deep breath and collected her thoughts. "Let me start with saying how insane this situation is. As far back as Dean, I was thinking, in a normal situation, I could have long-term relationships with each of these men."
"Wow," said Gilderoy. "That is a lot of relationships that you felt strongly about."
"Yeah, all happening at the same time! And for someone who didn't do a whole lot of dating before this, it is quite a shock. But what really started to happen, Gilderoy, was the timing was off. And I want to say, specifically to Justin and Dean, how much that killed me. When the end goal of the show is an engagement, and you have men professing very strong feelings for you, and equally good men saying they need more time, well, decisions had to be made. In real life that just doesn't happen. You can take your time."
"So, Hermione, this all begs the question, do you believe in this process?" asked Gilderoy.
"Hehe," said Hermione, turning red again. "Honestly...?" The audience laughed, some gasped. "It worked for me. It worked almost too well. At the end I was so torn. I don't think anyone who hasn't been in my position can truly understand."
"Hermione, I will say, you have had an especially hard time. All of these men were almost instantly smitten with you. You had more men professing love at earlier stages than ever before," said Gilderoy. "And then you say you haven't had many relationships before. How did that feel?"
"Overwhelming," said Hermione. "At the risk of sounding a little slutty, I was like a kid in the candy store."
The audience erupted in laughter.
Gilderoy patted her arm. "So," he said, "when you got to the fantasy suite dates..." Someone whistled in the audience, and Gilderoy shot them a glare. Hermione's face matched her dress. "Each of these men you had strong feelings for, and each one had said the three magic words."
"Exactly," said Hermione. "But in some ways that was a good thing. I had to make my decision based on the relationship itself, not just based on things like what step of the way I thought we were at. We were all in the right place."
"So why not Ron?" asked Gilderoy.
Hermione collected her thoughts again. "It's exactly like I told him. There was so much that was right about our relationship. I really can't list any negatives. There was just, so much more that was right about the other two. That's it."
"Can I ask what some of those things are?" asked Gilderoy.
"It's just...I felt myself falling harder for the other two," said Hermione.
"This was painful for you, wasn't it?" Gilderoy asked.
"Of course it was!" Hermione exclaimed. "Ron," she said. Ron looked up at her. "You did nothing wrong. I hope you're not thinking that. It just...like I said before, I could have had great long-term relationships with most of the last batch of men. But I didn't see forever there."
Ron nodded. "It's okay," he said. "I wouldn't want a pity marriage."
Hermione shook her head. "That's not what it would have been. I cared about you. I still do. I just wasn't in love with you."
The camera panned over the solemn faces in the audience.
Ron nodded. "It's okay," he repeated.
"Well," said Gilderoy, "I hate to do this, but we need to take a break. Ron, I'll let you go take a seat with the men on stage. Hermione, you can stay right where you are. When we come back, some exciting announcements, and a chance at redemption for our rejected bachelors? Also, we've got BLOOPERS!" The audience screamed in appreciation. "Stay tuned!"
Hermione took Cho, Luna, and Cedric backstage during the break. They poured drinks and clinked their glasses to Hermione and her betrothed.
"This is insane," said Cho. "Like, I knew you and your exes were popular, but DAMN GIRL!"
"I am so happy to be off that stage," said Hermione. "Poor Ron. He's getting swamped with questions."
"So we saw Molly collecting phone numbers for him before the show started," said Luna.
Hermione chortled. "That's so like her. Oh, they were fun. I wish you could meet them."
"Not as much fun as Gran, though, right, Hermione?" Luna prodded.
Hermione glared at her and shook her head. "No," said Hermione. "I see what you're doing, and no, you're not getting anything from me on that topic."
"Let me see the ring," said Cho. Hermione held out her hand. It was a large diamond, with a smaller one on either side. "Oh my gosh," Cho gushed. "Look at this thing."
"Now the question is, which man would pick this one?" asked Luna. "Cedric, what do you think?"
Cedric raised his eyebrow. "Why do you think I'd know that?" he asked.
"Because you're a man. Is this more a Harry pick or Neville pick?"
Cedric shrugged. "I don't have the foggiest idea how to answer that."
"A desperate move from a desperate woman," said Hermione, shaking her head.
"Okay, real talk," said Luna. "Which of your exes would you fix me up with?"
"Oh, no, Luna!" Hermione exclaimed.
"Not even one of the early ones?" Luna pressed. "That wouldn't be that weird, would it?"
"Ummm," said Hermione, considering. "Seamus, maybe? My first thought was Severus, but..."
"Oh, I'm not above that," said Luna.
"I didn't think so," laughed Hermione. "Oh, goodness. I can't wait to introduce you guys to my fiance!"
"Thanks for not picking Zach, by the way," said Cedric.
"He's not..." Hermione started, then, "yeah, I couldn't see that working."
A crewmember came to retrieve Hermione, and they had to return to their places for the final segment.
"Hello, Bachelor Nation!" Gilderoy started. "It has been a wild season of The Bachelorette with some of our most beloved contestants ever, leaving many of us asking, what will they do next? Well, ladies and gentlemen, I might just have the answer. Take a look at the screen." The lights dimmed, and a beach appeared on screen. Gilderoy spoke over the slide show. "Welcome to Paradise," said Gilderoy. "A tiny Caribbean island off the coast of Mexico. This is Paradise Castle." The beach scenes changed to a wooden structure that looked like an elaborate muggle playground, a castle-shaped structure built into the dunes. They showed a bar, hammocks, and hot tubs. The audience oohed and ahhhed. "This, oh rejected bachelors, is where your love story could begin again. Why should your journey be over just because one bachelorette doesn't give you a rose, when there are many eligible bachelorettes in our extended family? Bachelorettes like...Hannah Abbott!" A blonde witch appeared on the screen. "You might remember Hannah from Bill's season. She didn't win his heart, but could she win yours? Or maybe you've dreamt of the Patil twins? They're signed on as well! A nearly equal balance of men and women, alone on an island, all hoping for a second chance at love! There will be dates, heartbreaks, and all the fiery romance you've come to love from the traditional show. This is...Bachelor in Paradise!"
The slideshow ended. The men and the audience were clearly intrigued. Gilderoy spoke more candidly. "So, men, I'd like to invite each of you to join us in Paradise Castle for a second chance at love. What do you say?"
Ernie Macmillian stood up. "Sign me up!" he exclaimed. "If anyone here needs this, it's me!"
Hermione lead the audience in cheering.
"I have more questions," said Colin. "How exactly does it work?"
"Right," said Gilderoy. "So, we start with about six guys and seven girls. Or is it seven guys and six girls? Either way, there's one more or one less of either gender. You get some date cards, you get to know each other, you start forming relationships. At the rose ceremony, the group with the lesser number gets to decide who they want to keep around for another week. We'll invite in a few more hopefuls, and the process begins again."
"Ah, I see," said Dean. "So, it's still a game."
"Yes, it is still a game," said Gilderoy. "But, in Paradise, there is no pressure to get engaged. You just get to know someone, and maybe, if you're lucky, your relationship can continue after paradise."
"I'll do it," said Cormac McLaggen.
"Great!" exclaimed Gilderoy. "Viktor Krum, what do you think?"
Viktor shook his head. "I am too busy with my team. Maybe next time."
"I'll hold you to that," said Gilderoy. "Okay, Seamus?"
"Oh, I don't know, seems like that many more opportunities to royally screw up," said Seamus.
Dean turned around. "I'm going!" he declared.
Seamus stared at him. "Alright, let's do this!" he shouted. Dean and Seamus high-fived.
The audience roared in applause.
"Marcus Flint?" Gilderoy asked.
Marcus paused. "My money is on...YES!"
"Severus, I think I already know your answer?"
"Yes, I have no problem finding women willing to date me," said Severus. "I will pass."
"Colin Creevy?"
"Oh, gee," said Colin. "I don't know if I can put myself through this again. But, I've had tremendous luck betting on the underdog. So I also say yes!"
"Lee Jordan?"
"Oh, you know I'm down!"
"Justin?"
"Opening up was a big problem on the show for me," said Justin. "But perhaps, I can get there with someone else. Yes, I'll go."
"Zach?"
"Sounds like a good time. I'm in!"
"That's most of your exes, Hermione," Gilderoy said. "How does this make you feel?"
"Just fantastic!" Hermione exclaimed. "I love that they're all willing to put themselves out there again. But, you didn't ask Ron."
Ron shook his head. "I would need some more time to think about it," said Ron. "It has been quite a healing process for me. But, let me get back to you on that."
"Oh, he'll go!" Molly shouted from the audience.
"I think your mum has some very strong opinions, Ron," said Gilderoy.
"I would like to echo what Molly just said," said Hermione. "Ron, nobody deserves a happy ending more than you. Please give yourself another chance!"
Ron was dumbfounded. "I...I don't think I can argue with that, Gilderoy."
"So you'll join us?" Gilderoy pressed.
Ron looked around at his friends, on stage, and his supporters in the audience. "Oh, hell," said Ron. "Let's do the bloody thing."
"Hooray!" Gilderoy exclaimed. "Now, we also are still looking for more bachelorettes to date our many eligible bachelors. To apply or to nominate someone, go to the address on your screen."
Luna gasped and nearly leaped out of her chair. "PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME!"
"Haha, yes, like I said, go to the MBBC website-"
"Oh, I must insist," said Hermione. "Guys, this is my best friend Luna. She is fun, and caring, and, a little unconventional, but...Gilderoy. You've gotta put her on."
"You're not weirded out at all by the prospect of her dating your exes?" Gilderoy asked.
"I've had some time to think about it. A whole five minutes, I'd say. And I've decided...I want nothing more," said Hermione. "Luna, please date my exes."
"Well then," said Gilderoy. "Okay! Luna, welcome to the bachelor family!"
"WOOOOOOOO! THANK YOU, HERMIONE!"
Hermione blew her a kiss.
"Well, I can't think of a better way to end this show than that. Oh wait, yes I can. Ladies and gentlemen, bloopers!"
The audience cheered as the lights went dark, and the all stared in anticipation at the screen.
The bachelors stepped out of the Floo into their new digs in a new location. Gilderoy Lockhart greeted them, for the first time forgoing his white suit in favor of white traditional Chinese men's robe. "Ni hao, bachelors!" Gilderoy exclaimed.
ZACH CAM: "Did he just say 'ni ho'? I don't think that's a very nice thing to say about Hermione."
Gilderoy stood in front of the bachelors, their faces tense with anticipation. "I have a date card!" he announced. He fiddled through his jacket. "I had a date card. Where's the date card? Accio date card!" Every date card that had been previously handed out came flying down the stairs to Gilderoy. "Oh, bloody hell!"
Draco and Blaise sat in front of the TV. Ron walked by with a plate of food, and Blaise tripped him. Ron spilled all his coffee and eggs over Draco.
"YOU MORON!" Draco shouted.
"Oh, gee, I'm sorry," said Ron.
"No, not you," said Draco. He punched Blaise. "Why would you do that?"
"I thought it'd be funny," said Blaise. "I didn't know it'd all land on you."
RON CAM: "I might have done that on purpose."
Lee and Hermione sat eating Chinese food. "Umm, can I get a regular fork?" Hermione asked the waiter.
"Oh, no! You can't use chopsticks?" Lee asked.
"I guess I've never tried," said Hermione.
"Let me show you," said Lee. He helped Hermione hold the chopsticks. "Okay, and then you push them together like this..." He demonstrated.
Hermione mimicked him and decided to give it a try. She picked up a piece of chicken. It flew out of her sticks onto the floor. "Oops," she said.
"That's alright, try again," said Lee. "More like this..." He demonstrated.
She tried again. Another piece of chicken fell on the floor. "Maybe a vegetable." Floor. "Okay, I'm hungry. Screw this."
Dean and Hermione sat on the beach. "Oh, look at that shell!" Dean exclaimed. He got up and went to the water where a blob of yellow and black had washed ashore. "Cool!" he said. He picked it up, and it writhed in his hand. "HOLY ***** IT'S A SNAKE!" he shouted, throwing it back into the water. He shrieked as he ran back to Hermione. "Holy **** I almost died, babe."
Colin and Hermione sat alone in the mansion.
"I had such a good time today, and I feel so comfortable with you," said Colin. "I was wondering...can I kiss you?"
Hermione smiled. "Sure, Colin. Of course you can!" They leaned in for a kiss, and Colin held his camera in one hand. When their lips met, he snapped a picture. The sound of the camera startled Hermione, and she jumped. "What was...oh my goodness, Colin!"
"One day we can look back on this and laugh!" Colin exclaimed.
The bloopers ended, and Gilderoy stood up to address the audience. "I'd like to thank our studio audience, Hermione, and all of our bachelors for joining us today! Next week...oh, please let me say it!"
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Fine, Gilderoy."
"Next week…the DRAMATIC CONCLUSION to this season of THE BACHELORETTE!"