AN I don't own Marvel or any of its characters! WinterWidow angsty fluff!
Of all people, it had to be Steve. Bucky knew, semi-consciously, that they'd probably sent Steve because he was the only one that had ties to both him and Nat and was least likely to be attacked, but that didn't really help. His face said more than any logical explanation could have.
He was horrified. Rightly so, considering it'd only been a few hours and Bucky's entire back and ass were still a sickly shade of purple. The super soldier seemed to almost completely skip over the fact that he was naked. Or that he was currently curled around Natasha. His eyes were stuck on the bruises and welts that littered Bucky's skin.
"Who did this to you." It wasn't a question. Steve was beyond angry and more than a little protective of him in normal situations so Bucky wasn't shocked to see that possessiveness flare again. But, as much as he should have taken responsibility and answered his best friend, he couldn't. He couldn't face those blue eyes or that quivering lip. Instead, he buried his face in Natasha's sweatshirt and silently begged her to handle this, to just make it go away so they could go back to comforting each other in peace. She tightened a hand in his hair and shushed him.
"Relax, Steve." Steve was the opposite of relaxed, and bristled even more so at Natasha's voice. "I did it." She didn't explain. As Bucky listened to the gut-churning silence, he couldn't help the urge to explain or at least defend her because he felt Steve's fury turn on the redhead and he didn't want that. But he couldn't, his voice had disappeared somewhere between the sobs, so he just hid his face and let her deal with Steve.
"Natasha. You did this to him?" There was so much disbelief in Steve's voice that Bucky winced. The goody-two-shoes didn't want to believe that his friend had that in her, which stung, but he braced himself regardless. Tense against Natasha's body, he waited.
"He asked me to." There it was. Immediately, every atom of oxygen left the room and he felt those pain-filled blue eyes turn on him. They bore into his back, burning through the damage, and tried to see into his soul but, honestly, there wasn't much left. Bucky struggled to see it himself most days.
"Is that true, Buck?" He had to response. He knew he had to say something, anything, in answer because if he didn't it would look bad for Natasha but his voice refused. Silently, he nodded. And then he felt it.
Disappointment.
It radiated off of Steve in waves, pounding into both of them over and over again until he couldn't breathe. That was why they'd kept it secret. Not because Steve would be mad, but because he didn't understand. He had his own demons but he dealt with them his way. The Steve Rogers way-growing his own food, doing yoga, meditating, going to therapy-not the dark way. Bucky had honestly tried to go along with that plan at first and he knew Natasha had to when she joined but it didn't work.
Steve was this glowing light of goodness who just got a little darkness splattered on him by accident. He could wipe it off with other good things. But Bucky and Natasha? They were more like darkness itself that somehow managed to have a few feeble nightlights hidden inside. Yoga and chia smoothies couldn't help them. Even therapy, though helpful, wasn't enough. Because millions of people could love and embrace them, could scream that it wasn't their fault and that they were forgiven, but they would never forgive themselves. Even if Steve begged them to let go of the guilt, they couldn't.
Because it didn't seem right to take all those lives, hurt all those people, and just… move on. They'd hurt people. They deserved pain in return. Steve and the others argued that they'd suffered their entire lives, in a different way, but it wasn't the same. Nothing compared to that sharp, visceral pain of a beating. He'd thought it was twisted at first, too, but he'd seen the other Winter Soldiers use it to strengthen themselves and he'd given it a try. The first time in nearly three decades that he'd been able to breathe.
Now, they didn't do it often. Both him and Natasha had the serum in their veins so the wounds healed relatively quick and never required treatment or a hospital visit-never raised any questions. It was just little bits, usually, little reminders that helped ground them. But, sometimes, that wasn't enough. Sometimes, especially as Bucky got his memory back, it was impossible not to be swept up in the sea of guilt and drown in it until he wished he was dead. That was what had sparked this most recent scene. Another memory, another nightmare, and it continued until he couldn't breathe without hating himself for even being alive.
But Steve didn't understand that. It was clear in his face how completely shocking the mere idea of wanting to be punished was to him and that only made Bucky feel worse. He looked disgusted, even if it was unintentional, and Bucky immediately regretted sneaking a look. Nothing would ever be able to shake that from his memory now and it only made him hate himself more for letting Steve see him like this. If he'd been stronger, if he'd just dealt with it, Steve wouldn't have found out. If he'd told Natasha to leave him in his room-alone-after the beating Steve wouldn't have found out. But now he knew. And there was no way either of them would ever be able to come back from this.
"Buck?" Steve was crying, now. Bucky felt his face flush with shame and humiliation but Natasha carded a hand through his hair as reassurance. How the hell was she so calm about this!? Probably because she wasn't the one blistering under those baby blues.
"Steven." He sucked in a breath as he felt those eyes shift to Natasha. "Calm down. You don't have to understand or agree with it, but you do have to calm down." He felt her flash a pointed look to where he was huddled into her chest but ignored it. Steve didn't care. Now, Bucky was just as disgusting and disappointing as any of the other Shield recruits who turned out to be just a little too dark to be saved. Their history didn't matter anymore, he was just another failure.
But, shockingly, he felt the tension in the room ease. It was slight-Steve was clearly still very upset-but it was enough that he could ease his face out of her sweatshirt and breathe. Natasha thumbed his pulse point and repositioned her arm around his waist. He could feel them having a silent conversation above him but he didn't care to know what was being said, honestly. Natasha's hold had taken on that protective quality it always got after their sessions and he sank into it as if she could save him from the sea of emotions he was currently adrift in. She welcomed him, and kept Steve's attention on her. Thank god Natasha understood.
Slowly, their conversation seemed to help Steve relax and Bucky relaxed a bit in response. He had no doubt that Steve would never understand the punishments or why they needed them so badly but at least he wasn't angry anymore. Bucky hadn't even realized Steve had been raising his voice or that he'd hid in Natasha's arms from it until there was quiet and he emerged from them. Just a bit, at first, but then a little more.
Steve was sitting on the coffee table with his hands folded in his lap. He looked remarkably calm. If not for the few tears that occasionally slid down those chiselled cheeks, Bucky would have thought he'd been mind wiped or knocked out. Natasha kissed his forehead when she noticed he was looking but Steve just took that in too, surprisingly. Had Natasha threatened him or something?
"James, Steve's sorry." The Russian sank into him like a tranquilizer and he sighed. "It's okay now, he's not angry or upset he just didn't understand."
"Still doesn't." She laughed a bit, shaking him on her chest, but just smoothed his hair.
"Hey, come on. I said it was okay. You trust me, right?" He did, and she knew that, which was what made him lift his head. Steve met his eyes but there was nothing in them that Bucky could decipher-which he couldn't decide if that was good or bad-so Bucky just stayed still. He didn't want to spark any kind of reaction or undo whatever Natasha did.
"It's okay, Buck." But as much as he liked and remembered Steve, this was different. This kind of vulnerable wasn't him without his memories or him as a teenager or him being rescued. Steve's unshakable faith in him didn't help right now. What did help was Natasha's lithe fingers combing through his hair and soothing the crick in his neck as a reward for trusting her. He sighed and relaxed a bit more into her.
Natasha must have nodded for Steve to leave at some point because the blond stood and made his way towards the elevator when Bucky didn't strike up a conversation, but he threw one last look over his shoulder. He looked confused, but more sad than revolted, which was progress. The second the doors closed behind him, Bucky turned back and buried his face into Natasha again as she chuckled. He felt raw and exposed and he just wanted her to make it better but she just laughed a bit and kissed his forehead.
"Good, you did good James." He purred and she kissed his temple. "Thank you for trusting me." It was in her voice that she didn't mean just now, she meant the punishment, but he could only nod because then her lips were on his. Like hot chocolate, she soothed every ounce of anxiety in his body. He sighed into the kiss, even if her touch made him want to grab for her and take this so much farther, because he was tired and she was protecting him and that was more than he could have ever asked for.
To feel safe. Protected. To linger in the aftermath of his punishment and let her soothe all the little fears he held in his chest on a daily basis. He let the guilt wash off of him and he breathed. Deep, full breaths that gave him more oxygen than he'd had in years and made his brain fuzzy as if it was a drug. Maybe relaxation was a drug? But he shook his head because if anything about their current situation was like an actual tranquilizer, not just to his body, but to his mind?
It was the fact that Natasha understood.
Thanks for reading! Hope you liked my follow up on Punishment! Please review!