It's midnight before I finally settle into my bed, the dark house around me having kept me company as I watched the fire die down. Throughout the evening I'd kept to a schedule of checking on Anne, poking my head through her door and listening for the soft sounds of her breathing to assure me that she was alright. Every time I did I felt my shoulders relax a little bit more, my own breathing becoming easier as I closed the door and turned back towards the living room.
The day had tangled up all of the worries and fears that had been compounding these last months and laid them out before me on a silver platter. They twisted and evolved along with the flickering flames and with every passing hour I found myself stomping down another possibility, sure that it would all be resolved tomorrow.
Slipping between my covers I sigh as the cool cotton slips against my skin. The ceiling overhead is not interesting enough to keep me awake and soon I'm drifting off to sleep, the adrenaline of the day having finally run me dry.
When I wake up it's still dark outside, the moon casting shadows around my room as I try to pinpoint what had dragged me back to the world of the living. It's then I feel it, the small hand splayed against my back and the warm breaths tickling my shoulder.
I turn over as slowly as I can, looking down at the dark mess of hair that pools around Anne's face. In this light you almost can't tell that she's injured, her expression soft with sleep and her lips twisted up in a smile. I don't know how to process what I feel finding her here with me, after everything. Was she here because she was scared? Or because she wanted to be close to me?
The questions pour in then and I exhale, closing my eyes and trying to will myself back to sleep before the thoughts start spinning out of control.
"Gil," her whisper breaks through and I open my eyes to find her staring at me.
"What are you doing here?" It blurts out of me and she recoils, brow furrowing.
"I don't - what do you mean?" She asks carefully, sitting up abruptly to gaze down at me. She looks scorned and it fills the room with a tense silence as I try to find my words. Nothing comes to mind and I roll onto my back, shoving my fists into my eyes. "Gil, what's going on with you?"
"Can we talk about it tomorrow? I'm tired," I lie, desperate to give my heart some space. I was confused. I had tricked myself into thinking this was forever and now the bitter truth lay before me and I couldn't deal with it.
"Are you asking me to leave?" It hangs between us on a thin wire, a string that's ready to snap. Part of me wants to say yes - to end this uncertainty and push her away before she can leave me but the other part of me, the desperate part, wants to drag her to my chest and never let her go. "I'm taking your silence as a yes and while I don't understand, I'm not going to force you!" She hisses and throws back the covers, stalking to my door and pulling it open.
I watch her go, my heart in my throat as I destroy the one thing I've truly wanted all of my life.
The next morning comes in with cloudy skies, soft rain pattering on the roof as I turn listlessly under my covers. The bed feels empty without Anne here and I try not to think about it, forcing myself up and into the world of the living.
"Good morning," Susan quips as I enter the kitchen, a despondent Anne sitting at the table sipping her tea. She's still in her nightgown and sweater, her arms crossed on the table as she refuses to look up at me. "Would you like some toast? Or oatmeal?" Susan continues, shooting me a hesitant smile. The woman can tell there's something going on between us and her expression shows it.
"Just some toast and tea this morning," I reply softly, sitting down in the chair across from Anne. Susan makes quick work of the plating and sets the items down before me, slipping out the kitchen door without so much as a word spared for us.
Silence stretches out between us, Anne's gaze averted as I nibble at the hearty bread. When I sense words on my lips I lift the tea to my mouth and gulp back the burning liquid, reluctant to be the first to break the tension.
At least I try to hold back until she looks up at me with her bruised face and I see the sadness colouring her features. "How are you feeling?" I reach out towards her and she leans back, keeping a distance between us that hurts more than I want to admit.
"Fine. Are you well rested?" She answers evenly though her eyes spark.
"No. Are you?" With a shake of her head she sighs and looks away, lip between her teeth.
"Was this all a ploy to help me? Did you really want to marry me at all?" I watch her as she runs a hand through her hair, the red roots starting to once again show as the black slips down over her shoulders. I long to let my hand join hers, to be there when the last of the black disappears.
"None of what I've done was a ploy, Anne. I wouldn't do that to you," I reply and shift forward in my seat, pushing away my plate as she looks back at me. There's skepticism in her gaze, a curious confusion blooming in her expression. "But my home is here in the Glen. My practice is here. I can't go with you back to Avonlea - there's no place for me there."
My admission escapes me before I can stop it. The truth of our struggle lays on the table between us now and I know there's nothing more I can argue, nothing I can do to make it seem like there's a possibility for us. If she wanted to go home I couldn't - wouldn't - stop her.
"And can I not make my home wherever I so choose?" She states hotly, sitting up and looking at me with a flash of anger. "Are you telling me I have to leave? Not just your bed but your home? Because that's not fair Gilbert - that's not right after everything you've said to me!"
"What do - leave? You think I want you to leave? Anne! You said yesterday that you wanted to go home! What am I to think?"
"I do want to go home! With you, you fool! I want to visit Marilla's grave and see Diana and - "
"Stay there. Build your life there. Right? But my life is here, Anne. It's in the Glen." She rears back at that and shakes her head, her eyes closing as she gets to her feet. In another second she's at my side, sunk to her knees before me and her hands in mine.
"Gil - I don't want to live in Avonlea. I don't even particularly want to live in the Glen. My only requirement for where I spend the rest of my life is that it's wherever you are." Her words roll over me and I feel my heart stumble, my hands clasping tighter around hers. "You silly boy. Did you believe after all of this that I would choose to leave you?"
I look away, ashamed of my fears as she moves to stand before me. "I didn't want to keep you in a life you didn't choose. I wouldn't be that man to you."
"You've never made me think that you would be," she whispers and lifts my chin with her hand. Her grey eyes meet mine and she smiles, leaning down to press her lips to mine. I sink into her willingly, relief flooding through me as she crawls onto my lap and wraps her arms around my shoulders.
"I thought - " I murmur in between kisses, my hands lifting to tangle in her mane of hair.
"You think far too much, Doctor Blythe," she interjects with a laugh. Her fingers graze up the back of my neck and into my hair and I gasp at the feel of it, revelling in the way she shifts against me suggestively and draws my breath into her lungs.
The kitchen door slapping closed causes Anne to jump back, a shout of surprise bursting from her lips as Susan steps into the room. With a clatter of things dropping to the floor and a furious blush colouring all of our faces Susan stutters out an apology and half-walks, half-runs, back out into the yard.
Laughter bubbles out of my chest as the girl before me hides her face in her hands. I stand and pull her to my chest, my lips pressing a kiss to the crown of her head. "That'll teach us," I chuckle and breathe in the scent of her. She groans and wraps her arms around my waist, her fingers playfully slipping under the tails of my shirt.
"Teach us? Is the lesson that we should go to your room?" Her voice is raw, her eyes searching as she looks up and captures my gaze. I swallow the lump in my throat at her proposition.
I'd held a barrier between us and promised myself that I would wait - wait until she was no longer under threat, until she could choose for herself what she wanted - and now she was free to do what she wished. Barton had dragged Gardner away and with it the binds that held Anne to him. They were married still but marriage for us had never been about something as practical as paperwork. Hell, our marriage was still only actualized on paper.
"Are you certain? The risks..." I rasp, referring to all of the possibilities that lay before us. Though Anne was convinced she couldn't carry a child I still reserved my doubts, fearful that this could lead to something we weren't ready for. Or something I wasn't ready for. If we lost a child.. I wasn't sure I could handle it - I'd only just gotten her back.
"I'm more certain than I've ever been in my entire life," she responds and presses a kiss to each of my palms. In another breath I shove the thoughts away and I lift her into my arms, carrying her down the hallway, distractedly bumping into the walls as she kisses me blind. Somehow I find my way and I kick the door shut, tumbling onto the mattress in a heap of limbs and clothes.
I force myself to breathe as her hands loop around my neck, dragging me down to her so that I nearly collapse my entire frame onto hers. I half expect her to be crushed under my weight and so when I move to lift myself to my knees she groans and traps me against her, a leg wrapped around mine and her hand clasped to my lower back.
"I like it," she grins between nips, her fingers working to release the clip of my suspenders so that she can shove the clothing away and splay her hands across my spine. The touch of her skin on mine causes my body to jolt and she moans at the press of me between her legs.
A voice in the back of my mind shouts at me to be better, to anticipate her moves and give her everything but I've no idea what I'm doing and it shows as I struggle with where to put my hands. The flush that creeps up into my cheeks makes her smile, her movements slowing as she stills and looks up at me with wide eyes.
"Anne," I whisper as she brushes a curl out of my eyes. It's enough to convey my nerves, my wants, and she takes it and holds it close to her in her next breath.
"It's my first time too, remember?" She murmurs, a hand snaking up my spine and causing my muscles to ripple under her touch. It feels too good and I release a shaky breath, dropping my head into the crux of her neck.
"I've no idea what I'm doing," I mumble before chancing a glance her way. "Like, anatomically I get it, but in practice..." I sigh and brush a thumb over the bruising on her cheek.
"There's nothing that you can do that will make this any less perfect," she responds gently. I find her lips with mine and try to convey with my kiss how much I want her, how much I need her. She returns it earnestly and then grabs at my hand, moving it to the end of her nightgown and closing my fist around it. "Do what feels right, okay?"
With a nod and a shaking hand I roll onto my side and slowly drag her nightgown up her leg, exposing the pale skin and making her inhale tightly. My movements still as I graze her stomach, her undergarments reaching to below her belly button and exposing the rest of her to my calloused fingers. I trace a line from hip to hip and revel in the way her skin flutters at my touch, her lips gasping against my neck.
Continuing my exploration I urge her upward and pull the nightgown over her head in a quick movement. Her hair falls across her chest and I stop breathing, my eyes drinking her in before sliding up to meet hers. "You're beautiful," I whisper, a hand hovering over her pale skin.
"And you're entirely too clothed," she counters playfully and yanks at the shoulders of my shirt, attempting to pull it over my head but being wholly unsuccessful. I chuckle and help her, moving to the edge of the bed and standing to remove my shirt and then my trousers. I stand before her with my nerves fraying, watching her face for any sign of displeasure at what she sees. All I see then is the want, the desire, and it spurs me onward.
With a smoothness I envy Anne crawls to the edge of the bed and lifts to capture my lips with hers, her hands exploring my chest and causing me to shudder under her touch. I return the favour and let my hands ghost over her skin and up to her breasts, relishing the way she shivers as my hands cup her gently.
Her throaty moan has me following her back onto the bed, my body covering hers as she cradles me to her. Our hands explore one another until I feel as though I'll burst out of my skin if I don't touch more of her. With bold movements I slip my hands below the waistband of her undergarments and smile into her kiss as she rolls us so that I'm holding her to me with my hands splayed across her backside.
"Off - take them off," she demands, following my movements and grasping at the cotton that covers my hips. In a frantic minute we find ourselves bare before one another, our chests heaving as our eyes slip over our bodies. Anne is the first to swallow audibly, her gaze dropping between my thighs and then staring at me with wide eyes. "Gil," she breathes, looking between my legs and my face quickly before laying back on the bed.
I shift uncomfortably as I wonder what has her worried. As far as I knew there was nothing wrong with me, I was normal by anyone's standards, and yet here she was, tentative as she reached up towards me. "Is everything - " She doesn't let me finish, pulling me towards her hastily and tangling her hands in my hair.
In my daze I feel her hand slip between us, grasping at me gently before shifting her hips. The heat of her draws me forward and in a fevered second I join us together, my hips stilling as she yelps and bites her lip. Her eyes close tightly and for a moment I think I've hurt her, my hand reaching to brush along her brow. "Anne," I urge, begging her to look at me. To tell me she's alright.
"I'm okay," she whispers in return, opening her eyes. I see the tears collecting there and I kiss her abruptly, desperate to take on whatever she's feeling. "It's just - you're more than - " Her roundabout words make me blush furiously as I understand what she's saying, a small flicker of pride flashing in my chest.
"Shh," I chuckle reactively and let myself move for the first time, nearly coming apart right then and there at the feel of her. She shifts and moans, the sound urging me forward as my arms bracket her head. We don't talk after that, our bodies working together, writhing and sliding, hands exploring and grasping against skin.
"It feels so…" she murmurs, her nails biting into my shoulders. I nip at her collar and wrap a hand around her thigh, holding it to mine as I shift and push myself deeper. "Gil!" My name on her lips is what I need to make my heart skip. In the next beat I've pulled her atop me, my fingers tangling in her hair and my body alive for her.
I don't have much willpower left in me, the feel of her too good to keep holding onto, so instead I turn my attention to her body. I take it slowly, whispering questions of what she likes so that my fingers can drag her higher. I spend time listening to the sounds she makes, adjusting and seeking out that exact place where she becomes breathless. It's there that I watch the red flush spread across her skin, my own lungs struggling for air as I watch her lose herself in my touch.
When I eventually slide into her again it's with her legs astride my hips, our bodies as close together as they can be without sharing skin. She's the first to come apart, her body taunt above me as she rises and leans back, her hair tickling my thighs as I drive up into her. The moan that slips from her lips echoes in my chest and I hold her to me as she falls forward and cries out into my shoulder. My rhythm falters and my hips jerk up into her a final time, emptying myself inside of her and savouring the way her body collapses onto mine.
No imagination or wayward dream had ever prepared me for what it felt like to feel Anne above me, her body clasping mine as she reacted to my touch and kissed me with all the love that we'd bottled up since we were young. It was like flying, like finding the missing piece in a puzzle that had always remained unfinished. When she looks at me then, sated and calm for the first time in years, I see a glimpse of happiness fill her and I feel weightless with it.