Chapter 4
Alicia doesn't think she has ever felt quite this humiliated.
They don't even allow her to transfer onto the CT bed by herself. In a way, Alicia gets, it, she really, really does, accepts that she would most likely have done exactly the same, were she the one administering treatment in this scenario. She wouldn't risk a patient collapsing mid transfer were there any doubt in her mind, she would have insisted too, but she's fine, she needed to do it herself, needed to prove to them all that she can do it, that she isn't broken, because by now they'll all have heard, she's sure they will, she's seen the sympathetic looks from enough of them already since she was brought in and she can't stand it, she can't, she can't do this…
The pain is practically just a minor inconvenience in comparison to the utter humiliation, and the pain is almost too much for Alicia to bear.
She allows them to practically carry her across to the CT bed in the end because her feeble attempts at protest get her nowhere- and feeble is the most she can manage as things stand, she's so tired, she's just so tired…
She still can't think straight. Resus is a blur, the ambulance ride here even more so, and parts of the crash and those minutes trapped in the back of the first ambulance with Ruby a mixture of perfect, horrific clarity and fragmented confusion. Things make a little more sense now, she understands what's happening to her, or at least she thinks she does, but everything hurts, everything hurts and it's so frustratingly hard to concentrate for more than a few seconds, until the latest round of morphine and paracetamol and whatever else they pumped her with kicked in at last too hard even to open her eyes…
Ethan gets her out of resus and they bring her upstairs, that's the last thing she remembers with any decent clarity. Ethan gets her out of resus and he's talking to her in the corridor, in the lift, some kind of reassuring babble, knowing Ethan, but she can hardly recall a word of it now, can't remember if she made an effort to respond or if she just closed her eyes and willed sleep to come, ignored the pleas she knows he would have made for her to keep herself awake, because it's important, because she can't remember if she hit her head and they need to be sure, they can't let her sleep.
That's right… Ethan gets her upstairs and there's a wait for the CT scanner, Ethan shouts and rages at the CT team and Alicia squeezes her eyes shut and wants to disappear because it's so bloody embarrassing, because these are her colleagues, people she'd liked to have thought respected her before all this and now they're all going to know, now they're going to look at her and they're going to judge her because she's forever going to be the doctor who got plastered and went sleeping around and got what she damned well deserved with him, they're never going to look at her in the same way again, Eddie has had the best part of today whilst she's been in the police station to turn them all against her, twist things to suit his version of events and now he'll tell them she fell the way he tried to win over Iain and Ruby but what if they all believe him and not her, what if they all fall for it and he's turned them all against her already and… and she remembers something about Mrs Beauchamp… Mrs Beauchamp in resus, Mrs Beauchamp telling her Eddie won't be coming back here… bail… bail broken… arrested…
Ethan had eventually resigned himself to the fact that she wasn't going to be shifted up the queue any time soon and he had wheeled her trolley out into the corridor because of course it's a typical late night on the NHS and the wards are fully packed, RTC casualties beginning to arrive and there was no other space… Ethan ranting and raging about no way to treat a registrar until somehow she found the energy to tell him to leave it, that it was okay, that she just needed to be treated like anyone else, no prioritising, no… what's the word, she can't think… Ethan handing her an antibacterial wipe and asking her if she wanted to clean the blood off her face but her right arm was useless and her left was even worse, couldn't even lift her hands half an inch off the trolley and so Ethan had taken the pack of wipes and ever so gently wiped away the blood and the grime and the makeup and the tear stains of far too many traumas all packed into the space of the worst day imaginable, brushed at the tears that had flowed then to add to the mix with the back of his thumb as though it was the most natural, obvious thing in the world and all Alicia could feel was numbness and relief, total, earth-shattering relief because his gesture didn't fill her with desperate panic, because it's not all men that make he feel so horribly terrified it's beyond her to quite put it into words, it's not them all, it's just him, she's still normal, deep down, deep down she's still normal and it's going to be alright, there's hope, she isn't going to be alone forever now, it's just him, it's just him…
Except then all of a sudden it had occurred to Alicia that her reasoning was only valid assuming that anyone of the opposite sex would want to come anywhere near her after this and everything she's ever told every victim of this awful trauma she's ever treated goes well and truly out the window, because it seems like such utter rubbish now she's in this horrific mess herself, no wonder none of them have ever believed her if this is how it feels, if this is how she's doomed to feel for the rest of her life then she can't do it, she can't…
Ethan and the nursing team practically carry her onto the CT bed and someone's hands are on either side of her head as they lower her down, as though they have no faith in her abilities to diagnose herself at all, as though they think she's broken, weak, helpless, needs to be treated like a child.
The humiliation is on another level.
"You okay?" Ethan takes her left arm- the fracture, not the brachial artery wound, god only knows how she's going to manage to do anything for the next week or so faced with such a bad set of options- drapes it across her chest without a word, as though he's watched and silently, knowingly observed her struggling to support it and deal with the pain and stop her head from spinning and sending her into another blind panic, too many things to think about and too little energy. "I'm sorry, I know it must be sore. I'll find you a sling once we're done here."
Under normal circumstances, Alicia might have made some god-awful joke about refusing to spend the next week walking around like some glorified extra from The Mummy minus the costume (because which arm would he bloody sling, would she alternate or something?), but her mind is still a haze, and she can't think, doubts she would be able to muster the energy even if she could.
"I'll be right outside, okay?" Ethan assures her. He doesn't bother talking her through the procedure, something Alicia is rather grateful. She doesn't need to be patronised; she feels as though they're all treating her like a child already, even though deep down she knows she's being just a little unfair.
If she isn't allowed to be irrational at a time like this, when is she?
"It won't be long, Alicia. I promise it won't be long. I know you want to sleep, we'll let you sleep soon. It's alright."
His fingers brush over her sore palms for just a moment before he leaves her to the CT scanner, and Alicia is torn, torn in that brief moment between the numb, emotionless state she seems to be trapped within now she's more aware of her surroundings at last, torn between ignoring his touch, locking herself away within her own world because perhaps she'll be safer if she doesn't engage with anyone around her and between gripping his hand so tightly that her palms sting with the pressure on the wounds and begging him not to leave her, because as long as he's here she's safe, he makes her feel safe, as long as Ethan's here he might be treating her as though she's made of broken glass but she knows it's only because he cares about her, he won't let anything happen…
She's so confused. She's so painfully, distressingly confused, and Alicia can't see how things are ever going to be the same again.
She can't think straight again as she's moved into the scanner. She can't think… it's as though the silence and the lack of anything else to focus upon has sent her mind into overdrive again, as though it's easier to bear when there's so much noise around her, too many people, as though as much as their fuss and their noise and their constant activity is driving her insane, preventing her from sleeping, all she wants is sleep… it's as though somehow as much as she wants it all to stop it's the only thing that's keeping her sane, she needs it, she needs the background noise if the alternative is she's left in silence to try to process it all and she can't do that, it's too overwhelming and she doesn't even know where to start, she can't…
"Hey, it won't be long, okay?" Ethan's voice fills the CT chamber; he's watching her through the camera, Alicia realises, he must be, he's seen something in her eyes and he knows, he can tell, he always could read her.
She can't speak. There's so much she wants to say and she just can't find the words.
"Alicia, why didn't you tell me about Eddie?" There's so much pain in Ethan's tone, so much guilt. "I could have helped. I could have gone to the police, and I would have made sure he never came near you again."
He doesn't get it. He's Ethan all over; sweet, caring, protectively bearing the weight of the world on his shoulders as he always does, and Alicia can't bring herself to break to him that there are some things, try as he might, he won't ever be able to fix.
"I don't need your help, Ethan. I don't need a knight in shining armour, I'm going to deal with this my way. Okay?" Her voice has faded to all but a whisper, no energy left to fight any longer.
Ethan seems to understand. There's so much unsaid between them; Alicia can't tell him, there's so much running through her head she feels as though she wants to tell him but how can she, how can she put it into words and say it aloud to him when she can't even make sense of it all in her own head?
Not understand as such; understand isn't the right word, Alicia realises once the CT is finally over. Understand implies that he gets it completely, and he doesn't, there's no doubting that. He's still so awkward with her… it's as though he understands her need to let it all drop for now, to deal with it on her terms (and that's a load of utter crap, Alicia is certain that she needs to deal with it on her own terms and yet she doesn't have a bloody clue what that actually means for her, how is that supposed to work?), but beneath it all he doesn't know what to do, doesn't know how to talk to her, how to be around her…
And the worst of it is Alicia doesn't know how she needs him to be around her, either.
It's all a mess.
It's all just such a ridiculous mess.
Ethan has the nurses back in the room the moment the CT scan is over; he knows her too well, Alicia realises, knows that even exhausted, no energy left, right on the brink of collapse she would rather anything at all than the humiliation of being practically carried back across onto a bed the same humiliating way she was transferred before.
He knows it too well, and so of course, Ethan has ensured it's exactly what he is going to get.
Perhaps it's the morphine and the adrenaline and the god only knows what else messing with her head, but Alicia can't quite decide whether she should love him or hate him for that.
"Alicia, relax," Ethan urges as she tries to fight against them; it's instinctive, nothing particularly deliberate about it, she knows she should give in if they're going to insist on moving her and save the energy because it's taken her this long to reach the point of semi-coherency again and already she can feel herself beginning to slip under again slowly but surely, it's hopeless, it's so hopeless…
She's been fighting sleep, Alicia realises as they wheel her out of CT. She's been fighting sleep; she's never thought about it properly until now, hasn't been able to look beyond the fact that she's so bloody tired, that she hasn't slept properly since it happened and every time she tries it ends in nightmares and panic attacks and hysterical sobbing and disaster, in curling up on the sofa downstairs with a blanket and bracing herself for another day of back ache, but it's not just that. She's been fighting sleep too, fighting it off as long as she can because even on the sofa she's not free from it all, just less likely to fall back into the despair of her nightmares than if she's up there, where it happened, where she's burned away the bedsheets and replaced the mattress and deep cleaned more times over than she can count but he's still up there, she can still smell him, he'll never go away…
She's been fighting sleep because as badly as she knows her body needs it she just can't, she needs sleep but she needs the kind of sleep that will actually leave her feeling refreshed, not the kind that traps her, smothers her, leaves her fighting to reach consciousness again because exhaustion is better than reliving it all, anything is better than that.
Somehow, she ends up back onto the hospital bed and up onto the ward- god knows which one, she's so disorientated, she can't think- and she's zoned out, head all over the place, trapped somewhere between that night and tonight and the ambulance and Eddie and she can't, she can't focus, until suddenly Ethan is reaching for her right arm and the sharpness of the pain takes her so by surprise that she cries out, exhausted, despairing because she can't take any more of this, she's done, she just wants to sleep…
"I know, I know it hurts," Ethan sighs sympathetically. "That's why I need to elevate it. Okay… they're going to rush the scan results, we should get them through soon, we'll take it from there. How's the pain?"
Alicia just shrugs. How is she supposed to tell him that the morphine has numbed the worst of it, but there are some things nothing can fix?
"We've given you maximum morphine, I suppose I can…"
She shakes her head.
He doesn't get it. It's more than that. She's so tired, she's just so tired, physically exhausted and emotionally numb, broken…
"Alicia? Alicia, stay with me." She's faintly aware of the slightly urgent edge to Ethan's tone but she's too tired, too tired to fully take it in, she can't focus… Ethan… Ethan fussing over her again, Ethan…
"Right, I know you told Mrs Beauchamp you didn't want it but you don't have a choice now, I'm going to have to put you back on the oxygen," Ethan sighs. "Alicia? Your resps are through the roof again, I need you to try and relax. Breathe, Alicia, you're alright…"
She doesn't quite take in how he gets the oxygen back on her, whether she kicks up a fight, insists she doesn't need it or tries something else stupid, yanks it off like she did in resus, she can only half remember that… hazy…
"Alicia? Alicia, are you still with me?"
She nods weakly, finally allows herself to relax.
It helps. She knows it helps, she knows the science, has fought with enough patients over this issue in the past to know that of course it will help, but it makes her feel as though she's suffocating, as though she's trapped…
"M'okay…" She sighs, closes her eyes and then rapidly blinks them open again, clarity returning to her and all of a sudden, she realises Ethan is going to panic if she leads him to believe she's slipping under… "I'm fine, Ethan, I'm fine, I just…" She shakes her head; she's still so lost for the words she needs to tell him. "I'm fine," she manages again, relying on the fact that the tears are finally beginning to fall as she utters those words to communicate to him all the things she can't find it in her to say.
Ethan pales. "Okay. Okay, I'm going to… go chase… you know," he stammers, and then he's gone, gone before Alicia can remember half the tests they must have run on her by now and decide whether there really is something urgent they're still waiting on or if Ethan simply can't stand to be in her company, confused, conflicted, too far so to know how to treat her now she's emotionally unstable and contaminated twice over.
Alicia wouldn't blame him if he couldn't.
I am so completely overwhelmed by all your kind reviews on the last chapter, thank you so, so much! I honestly never expected so many people to read this, every single one of you has made me so happy with your kind words. I think most of you want longer chapters, there may be the occasional shorter chapter if it fits better with the storyline in places, but on the whole I'll stick to the longer ones.
To my Elle reviewer, she will make an appearance in the next chapter :)
As ever, reviews would be hugely appreciated- and another question, are you happy with the balance of Alicia/Ethan chapters so far?
-IseultLaBelle