Chapter 6

It's a while before the orthopaedics nurse reappears. They sit together, silent, after Elle's countless attempts to lighten the mood fall on deaf ears.

Nor is Elle, in all honesty, but there's something else wrong, she's sure of it. She doesn't know Ruby all that well, admittedly, but this isn't right, there's more to her nervousness, something Elle can't place but it's there, looming, a dark shadow she can't pin down.

But Ruby makes it perfectly clear that she isn't in the mood to talk, and so they sit in silence, waiting, and the longer they wait, the more Elle begins to worry, worries because it shouldn't take this long to assess an elbow dislocation…

"Dr Gardner," the orthopaedics nurse greets her. "Sorry for the delay. And this is…?" She glances to Ruby hesitantly.

"This is Ruby, she was the paramedic trapped with Alicia at the scene," Elle explains. "I'm sure Alicia won't mind."

"You reduced the dislocation?"

Ruby nods, fearful. "It wasn't ideal, I would have left it but her radial pulse was diminished, she insisted, she was worried about losing her arm…"

"You did an excellent job," the orthopaedics nurse assures her. "I don't see any reason she won't regain full mobility in that joint, had you left it to be treated here it might well have been a very different outcome. While she's immobilised, I don't see any need for a splint, not for the time being. Although I'll want to reassess her once you stop with the elevation on her right arm. She may need physio in a week or so, we'll monitor her, but for now it needs to be rested. There's certainly no long-term damage. I'm more worried about her breathing. We've left her on the oxygen, her resps were 16 when you brought her up here, but she's up to 24 now, tachycardic at 106, but no physiological deterioration we can see, so…"

"So you're thinking panic attack," Elle surmises. "Okay. We'll take it from here. Ruby, come with me."

"But…"

"Just trust me, Ruby, I'm not arguing with you about this." She pushes open the doors, rushes through, trusts- in good faith, or so she hopes- that Ruby will stop doubting herself for once and follow. "Alicia? It's Elle, sweetie, it's alright. You're safe. You're safe, Alicia, just relax for me."

Alicia lies limply on the trolley, eyes firmly fixed on the cannula in her hand, breathing rapid, shallow, eyes glistening, raw.

"I… can't…" Her breath comes in panicked gasps.

"Yes, you can, Alicia, nice deep breaths for me. You're fine. You're safe. I am not going to let anyone who might hurt you near you, okay? You're safe here." She's about to assure her that everyone in this room she's left her in are safe, that they're medical professionals, that of course they won't be hurting her, but then she remembers she would have applied the same logic to Eddie only a few hours earlier, and her blood runs cold.

Is Alicia afraid of being left in the presence of unfamiliar staff? Is that it? Had she committed a monumental error when she left her in here to be examined by the orthopaedics team, should she have predicted this, should she have stayed with her, lurked in the corner and watched, just in case, would that have prevented this?

"I'm going to stay with you until the end of my shift, I won't leave you unless you want me to, alright?" she promises. "You're okay. Breathe. Deep breaths, that's it. You're safe. You're safe, sweetie, it's over. It's all over." She squeezes Alicia's free hand around the cannula, cautious, conscious of overwhelming her, sending her back into that state of deep panic. "I'm going to take you back down to the ward now, we'll let you sleep. I promised I was going to let you sleep, didn't I? We're done. It's all over now, Alicia, you're safe. He's not coming back here, Mrs Beauchamp told you that, right? He's been arrested for breaking his bail, and Iain's called the police, he'll be charged with ABH. No judge will give him bail a second time, he won't be coming back here. You have nothing to worry about, okay? Everyone will be on your side, Alicia. You'll see. You're safe now."

"I'm sorry…" Alicia squeezes her eyes shut, shudders. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"

"Hey, you've got nothing to apologise for, Alicia, okay? Absolutely nothing. I don't want to hear any of that nonsense, you don't need to apologise." She glances over at the monitor, satisfied. "Let's get you back down to the ward. Mrs Beauchamp's still trying to clear a private room for you…"

Alicia shakes her head, adamant. "I don't need that…"

"No, I know you don't think you do, but listen to me, Alicia, if someone offers you a perk like that, believe me, you take it. Relax, I need you to keep that arm still." She smiles at the porters gratefully, keeps hold of Alicia's hand as they head out onto the corridor. "And look, Ruby's come to see you."

"Hi, Alicia." Ruby's smile is awkward, nervous. "I just wanted to drop by and see you before I left, I hope you don't mind, I can go if…"

"Thank you." Alicia smiles weakly. "You were amazing, Ruby…"

"Hey, only because you helped. And how you managed that I really don't know, you were the amazing one. How… how are you feeling? I'm sorry, stupid question," Ruby stammers. "I'm sorry…"

Alicia shakes her head. "It's alright… I'm okay… thanks to you…"

"It was nothing. I'm just glad you're alright, I was worried about you, back there. I don't know if you remember…" she rummages in her handbag, glances between Elle and Alicia. "I've got your house keys and your phone, I locked up for you, do you remember that?"

Alicia shakes her head.

"Oh, that's okay, you were in shock," Ruby covers hastily as they exit the lift. "No, well, I locked up for you, I made sure your side gate was bolted. Iain called the police from the ambulance, right before it happened. They called him back an hour ago but he's been a bit… busy, you know, after everything that's happened tonight, so he gave them my number. I've just spoken to them, I… I hope you don't mind, I've said I'll go over to your place now and let them in so they can board up your patio doors. I think they want to take some photos as well, technically it's a crime scene. Anyway, so I'll get that done for you, and then I'm off tomorrow, so I thought perhaps I could phone around for you, get someone in to replace those doors properly. Only if you're okay with that, obviously, I just thought…"

"Ruby," Alicia manages weakly. "Ruby, that would be amazing. Thank you."

"You're more than welcome. And if you need anything from home, just tell me, I can bring you a bag in. It's completely fine if you don't feel comfortable with that, of course, I don't want you to…"

"No, no, honestly. I would love that. My room's the one with the mandala on the wall, if you just… whatever you think, I guess. I haven't been up there much since… it's a mess…"

"It's alright. Toiletries, clothes, that kind of thing? Okay. I'm going to go and meet the police at yours so they can secure the back door, I'll be back tomorrow morning. Oh, and here's your phone. I'll just…" she surveys the room as the nurses lift Alicia across onto the hospital bed. "I'll leave it just here for you, if you want it. Shall I bring your phone charger, as well?"

She nods gratefully. "Living room, by the sofa on the right…"

"Okay. Okay, I'll find it. I'll be back, alright? I'll see you tomorrow morning."

And then she's gone, back off down the corridor, clutching Alicia's house keys tightly in her hand.

Alicia watches her go, silent for a moment. "She didn't have to do that…"

"No, she didn't," Elle agrees. "But she's loyal, Ruby. Her heart's in the right place." She turns to the nurses, still lurking beside them. "Her hands are freezing, can we get her another blanket, please?"

"I'm okay…"

"No, no you're not, you're still in shock, and I'd be more worried if you weren't. Let the nurses do that, Alicia, you need to keep that elbow still. Is there anyone you want us to call for you, sweetie? Your mum, or…?"

Alicia shakes her head. "I can't, I can't go through it all."

"I can do that, if you want her here."

"No. I don't… I'll tell her, I just…"

"I know, I know, I understand. But you tell me if you change your mind, okay? Listen, I'm going to leave you for five minutes, is that alright? Just five minutes, I promise, I'll be back before you know it."

"S'fine." Alicia's eyes are already closed, weak, defeated.

She needs someone, Elle tells herself. She might not want her mother there, but she needs someone, and she knows just the person.

She only hopes he will play it right this time.

He's nervous, heading onto the ward to see her.

There's no logical reason to be nervous, not medically. She's recovering; that's what Elle told him when she arrived in the staff room, explained she had moved Alicia back onto a ward upstairs and she thought she could do with some company. She's recovering, still on the oxygen, heavy blood loss but recovering, she's going to be fine with time.

The trouble is, that doesn't help in the slightest. It doesn't help because Ethan isn't nervous to go in to see her because he's afraid of what state she's in physically. He's not even afraid of having to witness her reduced to a total emotional wreck, despite knowing full well that it's a real, definite possibility, despite a nagging feeling that he will be haunted by that awful, panicked gasping sound she had made in resus as they had tried to stabilise her as long as he lives.

He's afraid of messing things up with her again. He's more afraid of that than he is of anything else because he just keeps getting it wrong, because it hasn't even been just tonight, perhaps just tonight would have been ever so slightly excusable, but it isn't just tonight, it's everything, everything from the way he treated her long after the Rage in Resus revelation to dumping her for Leigh-Anne that night to blurting out his terrible confession over Scott Ellison when he should have read the signs better, when he knew, deep down, that something was wrong but he blundered on and offloaded on her because he didn't think, desperately wanted to re-establish some kind of connection with her and lighten the terrible burden he was carrying and he just didn't think, how could he have been so stupid, it's so clear now what she was really trying to tell him that ill-fated night at her flat and he missed it, he bulldozed in as she was trying to explain to him the horrors she had been put through at the hands of Eddie and he wouldn't give her a chance to explain, thought he knew everything, he's such an idiot…

Ethan isn't convinced that he's what Alicia needs right now, isn't entirely sure he trusts himself not to make it all worse all over again. Elle had seemed adamant, had insisted that Alicia would appreciate his company, but does she really know? She could just be thinking that Alicia shouldn't be by herself, she could have other patients she needs to deal with, no time to sit with her, or she could have made the crucial error of believing that he and Alicia are still as close as they used to be before he became clinical lead well before he was ready and everything went so horribly wrong between them.

He might be exactly the wrong person to be with her, might be as far from what she needs as it's physically possible to be.

But that doesn't mean Ethan isn't going to try.

He hesitates as he spots her bed from the doorway, almost turns around and decides it's all a terrible mistake, heads back to the staffroom and crashes out on the sofas until it's time for his shift and he can approach her again in the capacity of her doctor, safe, hiding behind a stethoscope…

And yet as the F1 on duty replaces her notes and Alicia tilts her head back, closes her eyes, the expression of someone utterly exhausted and sick of it all and then she glances back over at him just as he's hovering by the foot of her bed and beginning to think better of it, returns his awkward, wary smile and she's just Alicia, his Alicia, dressing stuck across her forehead, blood in her hair, right arm elevated and left motionless by her side, covered in cuts and bruises, hooked up to the oxygen and the IV lines and the monitors, but she's still Alicia.

And all of a sudden, despite his nerves, Ethan knows this is the only place he needs to be.

"Here I stand, atoms with consciousness," he begins, a little anxious, but there's something in her eyes that tells him to continue. "Matter with curiosity. A universe of atoms, an atom in the universe. Do you remember that?" he asks her, but Alicia shakes her head, the smile fading from her lips as her eyes close, exhausted, struggling to recall, and so he fills in the missing pieces for her. "You added that to my dating profile."

Ethan had intended for it to be light-hearted, teasing, but somehow it seems to have to opposite effect and all of a sudden Alicia is shaking her head more adamantly, dismissive, every part of her body language seemingly pushing him away. "Ethan, you really don't have to…"

"I know," he says softly. "But if it's okay, I really want to."

She holds his gaze for a moment, eyes telling him everything he needs to know.

She's okay with this.

She wants him to stay.

"I never told you, but that's one of my favourite quotes," he continues, and she exhales, the faintest trace of laughter in her features. "You have a favourite quote?" she asks. She's tired, Ethan realises, her accent stronger than usual; it's always this way when she's tired.

He had forgotten how endearing he's always found it, until now.

It's been such a long time.

He laughs. "Yeah. Doesn't everyone?"

"No." Her voice is more of an agonised, exhausted moan now, caught somewhere between joking with him, at ease, and struggling against horrific pain, and yet she's laughing with him, strangely at peace, somehow.

He's missed seeing her smile like that.

"Okay." He smiles, flushes a little. "Well, it was one of the moments that I realised I loved being around you," he admits, serious now. "And I know that with… everything, that's happened, I haven't been there for you, recently, and I'm so sorry. But I am now. Okay?"

She closes her eyes, looks down again, fighting back the tears, and yet she nods, weak, drained, vulnerable, and he's missed her so much. She reaches out with her left hand- the dislocation arm- manages only the tiniest gesture but it's enough, Ethan works out what she wants instantly and he makes his way over to her side, perches on the edge of her hospital bed and reaches for her hand, smiles at her because it's going to be alright, because they are going to be alright, he knows it.

If she can get through this, she can get through anything.

They stay like that for a few moments, Alicia's small, cold hand and a cannula, several strips of tape and plastic tubing encased gently in both of his, smiling at one another weakly, emotionally exhausted and yet strangely relaxed, well and truly stood down after the hardest battle.

"How are you feeling?" Ethan asks softly, breaking the silence at last. "Sorry, I know that's a stupid question…"

Alicia shakes her head. "S'okay. I can't feel much, in my arm… thank god for morphine…" She closes her eyes, winces.

"Not taking the edge off all of it, I take it?"

The look in her eyes tells him all he needs to know.

"Do you want me to call Elle back? I know you're on maximum morphine, I did that, but they might be able to…"

"Mrs Beauchamp said… tramadol… for… do you know?" Her eyes glisten with tears, and Ethan can't lie to her.

"I saw your blood results," he admits. "I was still on shift then, Mrs Beauchamp made me sign off right after we got your bloods back."

Alicia nods, numb, accepting. "It's PID. Bad PID."

Oh Alicia…

He wants to pull her into his arms and tell her it's all going to be alright, comfort her, but even if it weren't for all the damage that's already been done to her tonight, damage Ethan knows he could easily worsen, it wouldn't be fair.

Alicia doesn't need him lusting over her; that has to be the furthest thing from her mind now, in light of everything that's happened.

No, Alicia needs him to support her from a respectful distance, and that's exactly what he plans to do.

"I'm sorry," he says gently, heartfelt. It feels so stupid, speaking those words out loud to her, and yet it's all he can come up with, because there's absolutely nothing in the world Ethan can say to make this better, nothing at all. "I'm so sorry, Alicia."

She shakes her head. "Not… your fault."

She's one step ahead of him. Even maxed out on morphine she's sussed him out, realised he's going to be blaming himself for any painful reminders of that night.

He would do anything to turn the clock back. If only he could go back to that moment, take back his fatal error- because he would far rather have spent the evening with Alicia, if truth be told, and that just makes it all so much worse. If only he had taken that opportunity for what it was and ended things with Leigh-Anne there and then, if only he had put a stop to it all and taken Alicia to the pub that night, she would have been safe, Eddie would have kept away and even if he had come near her, Ethan would have warned him off, he would have kept her safe, he would have sensed something was wrong and he would have kept her safe, he would have known…

Wouldn't he?

The brutal reality of this horrible mess is slowly beginning to sink in.

Ethan isn't sure he would have known, in all honestly, and that's a painful realisation to come to terms with.

And so he just squeezes Alicia's hand for a moment, lost for words, as though perhaps if he holds onto her hand tightly enough, maybe, just maybe, he can transfer some of his energy to her, hold her together until she's strong enough to manage it herself.

"Are you sure you don't want the tramadol?" he asks at last, concerned. "Morphine won't touch pelvic pain, but the tramadol should help."

She shudders, can't quite meet his gaze, looks down. "I'm sure."

"Okay." Ethan knows better than to push this. "Okay. But everything else is… you know…?" He blushes, curses himself, hopes desperately she doesn't notice.

He's a doctor, for god's sake. He's a doctor and she has Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, she must be in agony, and he's blushing like some kind of pathetic schoolboy.

Alicia pulls a face. "Apart from the fact I look bloody pregnant."

"Don't be so silly." She's right, of course though he would never tell her that. Ethan can't understand how he missed it before, the undeniable swell of her middle, distinct, so much so that under ordinary circumstances he wouldn't understand how she has missed it, because it's so clear that she has, so clear from the element of surprise and confusion and haziness in her tone, as though she's emerging from a long, dark tunnel, confused, scared, lost within her own body.

Why didn't he realise something was wrong? Why didn't he push her, persuade her to open up, why didn't he listen when she tried the first time? It's so horribly clear now that she's barely been functioning these last few weeks, that she's been going through the motions but she's never quite been there, been present, so clear that all those incidents at work when she's snapped, when she's frozen, broken down over nothing, refused to talk, isolated herself, the signs have been there all along and he's missed them every time…

"You've always been a terrible liar."

"Alicia, you do not look pregnant." He glances up at the IV stand, checks for the antibiotics. "Even if it's a bad case of it, once gynaecology have drained the abscesses…"

The glare she shoots him, despite everything, is a strange combination of petty triumph and utter, humiliated defeat. "Already did that. God, they're full of themselves, I know Mrs Beauchamp called them in advance but they were still looking at me like I was some sort of…"

"Hey, no one who matters thinks that," Ethan tells her gently. "It's just a nasty infection, Alicia, it'll clear up."

They both know the facts, of course, know that it might not be as simple as that, that absolute worst-case scenario she's looking at potential infertility and it wouldn't have been like this had she only managed to get her head around visiting a clinic weeks ago, seem to have reached a silent agreement that this is not the moment to bring it up.

"So you're saying everyone knows?" There's visible panic in her eyes now, total embarrassment.

"What? No, no, of course not," he covers hurriedly. "Just… when the police came to arrest Eddie, he wouldn't come quietly, they had to do it outside the ED and Rash and Charlie, I think, were in the middle of a patient transfer…"

The little colour that's left in Alicia's face drains rapidly.

"Alicia, everyone is going to be on your side," he insists softly. "I promise. No one is going to bring it up, you don't have to worry about that, and you have my full support, you have Mrs Beauchamp's… You have no reason to worry about this. Okay? Let's just focus on getting you better." He squeezes her hand again, held tight in both of his. "And once we've got you out of here, you do realise we have a date with that Italian by your new place?"

"We still do?"

"Hey, if that's what you want, of course we do. I'll book us a table, as soon as you're discharged."

Alicia hesitates.

"Unless you don't want to, Ethan covers hurriedly. "In which case that's fine, it's fine, I understand…" God he's an idiot, it's too much too soon, he should have known, he should never have pushed her…

She shakes her head. "It's not that. I'm thinking of ditching meat and dairy, going vegan."

His face must say it all, because she continues, voice laced with that same fatigue she'd shaken free of for a while when he first came in. "Just for a year, maybe. To see. I did no men and no drinking for a year, I mean, needless to say…" she shudders, and it's so painfully obvious what she's thinking, what she's regretting. "Kind of like a fresh start, rebirth, I guess…" she blushes. "I don't know what I'm trying to say."

"Okay. Well, I'll look up their menu online then, see if we need to reconsider." Her logic makes no sense to Ethan, but god knows she's been through something horrifically traumatic, and if this is going to make her feel better for the time being he's perfectly happy to humour her. "Just don't, you know. Dye your hair bright green or something. Can't see Mrs Beauchamp taking kindly to that."

"I've got two broken ribs, stop making me laugh," Alicia insists, but her expression betrays her, face breaks slowly into a smile.

"Hey, I'm sorry." He reaches out slowly, tentatively, brushes stray hair behind her ear. Her resps are down, Ethan notes; perhaps he isn't so terrible at this after all. "Listen, if you want, I could go back to your place, get you some clean clothes…"

"Ruby's already on that. But thank you."

Is it terrible Ethan is secretly glad Ruby has this in hand, glad because it means he can stay with her until his shift starts come morning?

Alicia sighs heavily. "But how I'm going to get this thing off with two useless arms, I really don't…"

"You don't need to worry about that, we can get someone to…"

"No, no, I don't want that, I just… I need some control, I just feel so out of control…" All of a sudden, she's crying again, fragile, and Ethan's heart breaks for her, because this is something he does understand, and understanding doesn't make it any easier knowing what to do about it.

"I know. I know, but it won't be for long. You're alright, Alicia, you're alright. You'll work it out." There's so much he wants to tell her, so much that's going to be far too much too soon, freak her out, and he can't put any pressure on her, not after this, it would be so unfair.

"Do you want me to call anyone?" Ethan tries instead. "I could call your mum…"

"Elle already offered," she shakes her head. "I know I need to tell her, I just… I've kind of been avoiding her for weeks, I couldn't face it…"

"Alicia, if you're worried about telling her…"

"I'm not, I just… not right now, it's the middle of the night, she'll only worry…"

"Okay," he sighs softly. "Okay, if that's what you want." He's always been under the impression that Alicia is close to her parents, particularly to her mother after that whole fiasco with her father and his business partner and the anniversary party that had ended in yet another separation, refuses to believe her mother is going to be anything but supportive.

Having her mum here would help, Ethan reasons. It's hardly going to make matters worse.

The trouble is, all the time she's perfectly conscious and alert and insisting she doesn't want him to call her parents, going against her wishes and digging out her next of kin details is only going to lead to her pushing him away, and Ethan knows it only too well.

"What time is it?"

He glances at his watch, only realising how tired he is as the numbers blur, slightly out of focus. "Two ten. Listen, you can kick me out any time, okay? I won't be offended, it's late and you've had the evening from hell, you need to get some sleep."

Ethan had thought he was saying the right thing, but Alicia's reaction proves he had managed anything but.

"No." She shakes her head, adamant, almost a little panicked. "No, no, I… I want you to stay…"

Ethan decides this isn't the moment to ask her if she's frightened of being left by herself.

"Okay. Okay, I'm staying, then. Though I still think you should get some sleep." He sighs, taking in her pained expression. "Alicia, are you sure you don't…"

But before he can finish, the door swings open, and there's a sudden flurry of activity from the corridor; loud, too loud for the middle of the night on a recovery ward, and Ethan's first instinct is to storm over and tell whoever it is to stop, that visiting hours are over (he may have abused his position as a doctor, albeit an off-duty one, in order to get himself onto the ward) and even if they weren't, this would arguably be too much noise, disrespectful to the other patients.

That is, until he realises the sudden invasion is Elle and Mrs Beauchamp, with two porters and a police officer in tow.

"Alicia? Alicia, we're going to move you now, okay?" Mrs Beauchamp explains quickly, authoritatively. "A private room's finally become available in gynaecology, I can just about justify transferring you up there through the system so we're going to take you over now. Dr Gardner's going to stay with you for tonight and we'll transfer you over officially tomorrow, alright?" Immediately she's collecting up Alicia's notes, hands her phone to Ethan from the side table, stands back to make way for the hospital trolley. "Right, we need to transfer her, can I get some help over here, please? No, Alicia, I need you to let us do this, okay, we need to get you out of here quickly. Dr Hardy, I know you're off duty but I need you to handle the monitor, please."

There's something wrong, Ethan realises. Alicia must have caught onto it too, because she's silent, complies with a slightly shell-shocked look of confusion etched across her features. He can think of no logical reason to move her off the ward in the middle of the night, no reason to cause so much commotion for the other patients, for the presence of the police officer…

"Can't this wait?" Ethan snaps. "It's two in the morning, for goodness sake, can't he just take her statement in the morning?"

"Oh, he will be, there's no way I'd allow a police interview at this hour," Mrs Beauchamp agrees briskly. "This isn't about that."

"Then what…"

"That isn't important right now, Dr Hardy, let's just get her moved upstairs."

"This isn't fair, she's exhausted, there must be something you're not…"

"Dr Hardy, I am not going to ask you again! Now, please. We need to move her now."

"What's wrong with her?" Ethan panics, because it's the only explanation, the only reason he can think of they could need to rush her out of here now. "You said her scans were clear, you said…"

"I wasn't going to do this in front of Alicia right now, but as you've given me no choice," Mrs Beauchamp snaps. "You're fine, Alicia. Nothing's changed, your results are good. We've just had a call from the police, I don't want you to panic. Eddie fled the scene before they arrived, they haven't been able to track him down yet, so given the circumstances, we're going to get you up to a private room, the police are going to cover the door just until they have him in custody. There's absolutely nothing to worry about, alright? Let us do the worrying. Dr Hardy, I won't tell you again, I need you to bring that monitor."

It's several moments later, releasing the breaks on Alicia's vital signs monitor, that Ethan realises his hands are shaking.

I am so sorry once again for the delay! I moved countries earlier this week and it was one of the most terrifying things I've ever done, so it's taken me a few days to organise my life and get back to writing. Still haven't sorted the organising my life part, but I did finally manage to get some writing done this evening. And I'm not convinced I like this chapter, but I've obsessed over it for too long now. I hope you liked it more than I do!

As ever, reviews would be hugely appreciated (and you would make me feel better!), let me know if you would like me to continue this into the episode 2 and onward storylines. And if you have any requests, I take those too, provided I can work them into the story :)

-IseultLaBelle