Chapter 8
"Please tell me I got him."
"Oh, his shoes were definitely vomit-splattered when the police dragged him out, believe me, I was looking." Elle places her hands gently on Alicia's shoulders, guides her back down. "Come on, sweetie, you need to rest. The police will take care of everything from here, he won't get bail again, not after breaking his conditions like that the first time. You don't need to worry about anything now, you just need to get some rest."
"Will I have… to… statement?"
She's slurring her words now, Ethan realises grimly, eyes closed, shaky, disorientated. She needs the tramadol, he can't for the life of him understand what she suddenly has against pain relief…
"You will, but I've been holding them off, and I'll tell whoever takes over your care when I come off shift at eight to do the same. You need to get some rest first. There's no rush. They've got him in custody now, Mrs Beauchamp's already arranged for your forensic report to be sent over, I think Iain and Ruby have given their statements. They've got plenty to keep him in police custody, they can wait a few more hours for your statement. The only thing you need to worry about just now is recovering. Are you sure you don't want any tramadol?" Elle tries. "Alicia?"
Alicia shakes her head firmly; violently, almost.
"I'm just worried we aren't managing your pain particularly effectively on just morphine, sweetie, that's all. You know as well as I do, morphine isn't going to touch pelvic pain, you need tramadol for that…"
"I don't want it."
"Alicia. The gynaecology consultant said severe inflammation, you must have been experiencing significant pain for a while now…"
"And I've… managed… until now… I don't need…"
Her left arm flails out sideways wildly, and instinctively, Ethan catches her hand in his, places her arm back down beside her, elbow supported, before he's quite realised what he's done and then panics, because what if this is her heading into flashback territory, what if she's frightened, convinced he isn't him at all, that he's Eddie, that he's going to hurt her, and he's just gone and grabbed hold of her without offering her a verbal prompt, without reassuring her of his motives, stupid., stupid…
And then Alicia grips onto his hand tightly, squeezes, almost as though she knows, as though trying to tell him she wants him to stay, and those fears fade away.
He doesn't know what he's doing; that's the truth of it. He's painfully out of his depth, just as he was when she was first brought in, when Rash broke the news to him outside resus, when Duffy finally talked some sense into him, made him see how badly he was messing it all up.
Not a lot has changed, not really. He still doesn't have a clue how to do this, how to help her cope with all the horrors she's had to face alone over the last few weeks.
But he knows what not to do now, at least, knows not to smother her, not to try to fix it all for her.
Perhaps this is what she needs.
Perhaps she just needs to know that he's here, that he's willing to be whatever she needs him to be.
"Okay," Elle sighs. "Okay. I'll be back to check on you later, but if you change your mind, you just send Ethan to find me."
"I won't."
"I know, but if you do, tramadol's an option. Get some sleep. You'll feel better once you've had some proper rest."
"Does… does Mrs Beauchamp… know…"
"Does she know what? Alicia?"
"I'm… on shift… Monday…"
Elle practically laughs. "No, you're not. Mrs Beauchamp isn't expecting you anywhere near the ED until that arm's healed, at least. That, I promise you. She said she talked to you about this, when you were in resus, you don't remember?"
Alicia shakes her head slowly, eyes squeezed shut.
"It's okay. It's okay, sweetie, you were in shock, I'm not surprised you don't remember. You're on open ended leave, Mrs Beauchamp organised that, she's not expecting you back in work for a few weeks, at least. The last thing you need to be worrying about is work, right now we just need to be concentrating on getting you better. You get some rest, alright? I'll turn the lights down again. Oh, and Alicia?"
Alicia blinks wearily, sleep finally beginning to claim her again.
Elle gestures towards Ethan from the doorway. "Look after him."
Weakly, Alicia smiles.
She falls into a light, troubled sleep, after that.
It's as though she can't switch off, Ethan contemplates, not completely, as though all the trauma of the last forty-eight hours has finally become too much and she can't keep herself awake any longer, but at the same time she's wary of allowing herself to sink into unconsciousness, on guard, frightened, hardly Alicia as he knows her at all.
Is she ever going to be the same again?
What if this is it, what if she never recovers? What if it's already too late, what if this is the beginning of the end and their opportunity to realise just how badly she was struggling and intervene, get her help, guide her through this, passed by a long time ago, what if there's nothing that can be done for her now?
It's so clear, looking back now, that she's been on self-destruct for weeks; he's just been too self-absorbed, wrapped up in his own problems with Leigh-Anne and Scott to see it clearly.
What if this is how it's going to be from now on, what if she just keeps spiralling out of control, keeps lashing out, losing control at work… she's thin, thinner than he remembers her being a few months ago, back when he was acting clinical lead, when he was still paying attention…
He's let her down so badly.
And yet she still wants him here with her.
How can she still want him here when he's let her down so badly?
He doesn't sleep, those next few hours. He still can't get his head around it, even now, even knowing that Eddie is in police custody, that there's no longer any threat to her, that she's safe.
It feels disloyal to sleep while she is, all the time he knows she must surely still be feeling so vulnerable.
Perhaps she doesn't need a knight in shining armour, but that isn't to say she doesn't need him to help her feel safe.
He feels as though he should be planning, attempting to take control of the situation a little, as he holds her hand, watches her sleep. It's the last thing she needs, Ethan does know that; Duffy made it perfectly clear, but at the same time, all he wants to do is help her, come up with something, anything, to help her through the next few days.
Weeks, even, months, maybe even years.
This isn't something anything or anyone but time can fix.
Maybe even then, she'll never quite get there completely.
He needs to persuade her to tell her mum, Ethan decides. Even once she's through with the antibiotics, once she can be discharged, it's not going to be simple even physically. She can't go home to an empty house, overuse of her arms is only going to result in long-term damage, they can't allow her to take that risk at the grand old age of twenty-eight.
She needs someone to support her once she's out of hospital- practically, if nothing else- someone that she'll trust, someone she might open up to, and Ethan's almost certain that person cannot be him.
Both of her arms are going to be out of action for at least the next week, and he can't be the one to help her wash her hair, help her change, anything too personal, because he's male, because her trust in men is going to be well and truly shot and who can blame her, because perhaps she's willing to allow him in now, ready to trust him, but all the same, there's so much distance between them after the events of the last year, after the way he's treated her, that there's no way it would be fair to impose himself upon her as her carer for the next few days; of that, Ethan is convinced.
What has she ever done to deserve this?
Alicia sleeps, for a few hours. At first, Ethan had worried that the latest of the night's traumas would be all too much for her, that she would be overcome with paranoia, on edge, too panicked to sleep.
Perhaps she would have been, were she not so exhausted.
Either way, she sleeps; expression troubled, restless, but at least she sleeps.
Mrs Beauchamp arrives on the gynaecology ward an hour or so in, rather unfazed when Ethan tries to warn her off, informs her that Alicia is finally sleeping, overcome with protectiveness and half-afraid that the slightest commotion around her is going to rouse her, maybe even send her into a disorientated panic and she's been through enough for one night, for a lifetime, really; they need to just let her sleep.
"It's alright. I'm not here to see her, I actually wanted to talk to you," Mrs Beauchamp tells him, hovers 'sat the end of Alicia's bed.
"I'm on shift in… in just over an hour, now, couldn't this wait…"
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about, actually. I've arranged a locum to cover your shift today."
"That's going to cost a fortune, at this short notice…"
"Let me worry about that. I'll square it with Hansen, it's not a problem. You've been up here with her ever since you came off shift, I'm willing to bet you haven't slept, am I right? Exactly. So you're in no fit state to be working a twelve hour shift in an hour's time. You're not due on again until tomorrow morning now, am I right?" She waits for Ethan to nod. "So sit with her today, make sure you get some sleep tonight, and I'll expect you back on shift tomorrow morning."
He smiles gratefully, adjusts his grip on Alicia's hand, suddenly feels as though an ogromen weight has been lifted. "Thank you."
"It's quite alright. I'll come up to check on her later, once she's awake. We've held off informing next of kin…"
Ethan nods. "I'm going to talk to her about that again once she wakes up, she's adamant she doesn't want to go through it all with her mum, and I can completely understand that, I really can…" He thinks of his own diagnosis, the one he's kept largely under wraps for years, now, shudders a little. "But she's on track to be discharged before she's got proper mobility in one arm, let alone two, isn't she…"?
"Provided the first round of antibiotics is effective, yes," Mrs Beauchamp agrees. "Alright. Alright, I'll leave you to try to persuade her first, then." She heads towards the door, turns back, hesitates. "Oh, and Ethan? Please do try and get some rest."
If anything, he's even less inclined to sleep after that. He's no longer facing the prospect of having to struggle through a twelve-hour shift on no rest at all, and no that's no longer an issue, all of a sudden Alicia's needs seem all the more important.
She needs to feel safe. More than anything else, she just needs to feel safe, if he can just get her through the next few hours, ensure that she rests, compensates for the last forty-eight hours or however long it's been. She needs to sleep, she needs to give herself a chance to recover…
He'll worry about what happens come discharge, if she can't be convinced of her need to have someone with her over the next week or so, when it happens.
He knows her too well, that's the trouble. Ethan knows that it will be only with extreme reluctance and unwanted defeat that Alicia will cave and accept that she can't cope by herself, and on top of everything else, on top of the psychological trauma she must have been suffering with for the best part of two and a half months, now, the psychological trauma that perhaps he shouldn't second guess just yet but it all makes so much sense, it explains her erratic, destructive behaviour over the last few weeks, she's been struggling and she should never have had to, she should have felt she could have told someone…
She should have felt she could have told him.
Except she did feel she could tell him, she tried, and he blew it…
Shit…
Alicia stirs beside him, face contorts into pain.
"Alicia?" Ethan asks softly. "Alicia? You awake?"
He doesn't think she's heard him, at first. She doesn't seem to react; she's still for several moments, unresponsive, nothing save for gentle blinking and that pained expression to indicate that she's awoken at all.
And then she lets out a soft cry of pain, closes her eyes again, curls awkwardly into a ball on her side and her hands fly to her abdomen, bites her lip as though trying desperately to prevent herself from crying out any further.
"Alicia? Alicia, what's wrong?"
She shakes her head, eyes closed, makes no further attempt to acknowledge his presence at all.
"Are you in pain?" Ethan tries carefully, fights to ignore the panic rising within him.
Perhaps he should just find one of the gynaecologists and let them deal with it, but there's something about her reaction, something about her apparent determination to shut him out that tells him she's going to be equally reluctant to talk to the junior doctor who came to check on her earlier.
"Alicia? I can go and find someone on duty, sort you out with some tramadol?" Ethan suggests tentatively. "What do you think?"
He doesn't bother asking her to confirm his suspicions, because what would be the point? It's perfectly obvious what it is that's causing her so much pain; the warning signs have been there all along, but it's as though allowing herself to stop for a moment, to relax, let down the defences she's been relying on to cope for so long, has only exacerbated it all, caused her to appreciate just how much pain she really is in.
That, and he's blushing at the mere thought of it like a pathetic teenager, and it's ridiculous, he needs to pull himself together; just because it's Alicia…
Alicia shakes her head slowly, pained, refuses to meet his eyes.
"Alicia," Ethan sighs. "Come on. It's obvious you're in pain, the tramadol will fix that…"
"No, no, Ethan, please…"
"Alicia, this is silly," he tries. "You don't need to suffer with this, we can manage your pain better if you'll let us…"
"I don't want it." There's fear building in her voice now and she's squeezing his hand so hard Ethan's half expecting her to start cutting off the blood supply sooner rather than later. "I don't want it, please, I can't…"
"Why, Alicia?" Ethan presses. "Why not? Don't try and tell me the pain isn't that bad, I think it's pretty obvious it is. We can make this more manageable for you, it's only tramadol…"
He wants to believe that she's just shaken, only half-awake, doesn't understand that he wants to help her, but deep down, he knows that isn't it.
She didn't want the tramadol even before this, she made it perfectly clear from the moment she was brought in… when did they start her on morphine? In the ambulance, it must have been in the ambulance… did she only go along with that because she was too out of it to protest…
"I'm scared," Alicia whispers, blinks, eyes brimming with tears, childlike fear. "I can't, I can't… I'm scared…"
I am so sorry for the horrifically long delay! I have a number of excuses, the main one being that I was originally going to write this alongside series 33, but I gradually started to dislike the direction the writers were going in (and if my suspicions of the last few months are right, that is going to be even more true come next weekend!). I decided I wanted to deviate from the series 33 storyline and do my own thing with this to a point, but that left me completely confused as to what I actually wanted to do with this story. Not helped by the fact that I was living abroad September-November and had the December from hell! I am very very sorry, I hope you all don't hate me.
I have a few ideas now as to what I want to do with this, but I'm yet to come up with a solid plan, and I also feel like I've completely forgotten how to write this story. So this chapter is a bit of an experiment, to see if 1) I still know how to write this and 2) if there is anyone still reading!
If you do still want me to continue this, I would really, really appreciate you letting me know, either by review or DM, because I HATE this chapter and I'm in two minds about whether or not I actually know what I'm doing with this story anymore.
I also have a new short multi-chapter Dante in the Midsts, which is set in between Atoms and Finding Avalon, just in case you're interested :)
If you are still here, thank you! You are massively appreciated. And I hope you don't hate this chapter as much as I do.
-IseultLaBelle x