Lupin's Christmas Carol
Shamelessly ripped off from Dickens' fine work, with the help of characters from Joanne Rowling's equally admirable writings.
This story takes place on the Christmas Eve during the Deathly Hallows book (1997) and endeavours to be canon-compliant. The idea for this story has been sitting in my back pocket for a few years now, and I'm finally in a mood to get it written. I'm still on schedule to have it done before Christmas Day! So please send all your encouraging and motivating messages in the comments or by PMing me. Comments and follows are life.
THE FIRST OF THE THREE SPIRITS
When Remus awoke, it was so dark, that looking out of bed, he could scarcely distinguish the transparent window from the opaque walls. But as he blinked, a growing glow illuminated the room.
It was being cast by a spirit in the middle of the room, one who was peering around at the walls in great interest. As Remus's sight cleared, he gaped at the visitor.
There, standing not far from him, was Sirius Black. He didn't look the same as when Remus had seen him last, though. This young rebel didn't look much older than eleven.
"Great Godric, Sirius, is that you?"
The young boy turned around and grinned, his smile splitting his face.
"Moony! Get your arse out of my bed, we have things to do!"
"But… how are you here? You can't possibly be here. You didn't become a ghost after the Ministry." I checked, he wanted to say.
Sirius nodded understandingly. "True, true… that's all true… but you know, I think Dumbledore pulled some strings. And don't ask me how," he continued on, cutting off Remus who looked as though he were about to demand answers. "Merlin knows I haven't the foggiest."
Remus couldn't quite process the sight in front of him. He'd nearly forgotten what Sirius had looked like as a young boy. He spoke without thought.
"Dumbledore sent you."
"I think so. But now that I think about it, I don't actually know how I know that. I don't even remember talking to the old nutter. In the astral existence beyond time and space, et cetera, et cetera. No matter. So you chose to stay in my bedroom, eh? Like the decor?" Sirius winked at his still-agape friend. Before Remus could say a word more, Sirius shrugged and pulled the covers off his bed with a flourish. "No matter. I told you, we need to get moving! I'm not sure how much time I have, and there is a LOT to cover."
Remus got out of bed, wearing a robe and pajamas he'd transfigured his clothes into. He was rather aware of how he must look.
"Where exactly are we going?"
Sirius winked at him in that insufferably arrogant way he always used to. "I DO know that I can't tell you that. It's an adventure, mate! Come on then." He held out a hand and Remus took it without another thought.
Without any sensation of apparating, Remus realized that they were standing together outside his old childhood home.
"Great Godric, I haven't been here in decades!"
"Come off it, Moony, you're not THAT old. Or are you? Never mind that… fancy a guess as to what year it is?" Sirius walked up to the front window that looked out from their front den and gestured for Remus to join him.
Between his two parents, young Remus sat on their old striped chesterfield. He was holding a brand new copy of the book "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them" and there was a look of wonder and, Remus felt his heart quiver to see it, hope on the boy's face.
"It's the Christmas before I arrived at Hogwarts. Mum and Dad told me that the year before I got my invitation to Hogwarts, they had corresponded with Headmaster Dumbledore. To see if the school would even consider me, in regards to my… condition. The book was just a symbol, really." Remus swallowed hard. "Dumbledore told them that my name was indeed on the list, and that he'd do everything in his power to make my attendance possible. I couldn't believe it. For the first time since the biting, I felt hopeful. I felt like I had been given the chance to be a normal boy." Sirius watched his old friend carefully. A multitude of expressions were passing over Remus's face: happiness, sadness, nostalgia, resignation.
"This is only the first stop on a long ride. The next is my favourite! Ipromise, it only gets better. Come on, Moony!"
Remus took one last long look at his younger self, then turned to follow Sirius. As he caught up, he realized that Sirius was leading him down the hall to the Gryffindor Tower at Hogwarts. His surroundings had changed without him even noticing.
"Oh, isn't it wonderful to be back?" Sirius yelled over his shoulder, and disappeared right through the wall where the portrait of the Fat Lady hung.
Remus had stopped nearby. This was something he didn't want to rush. Being at Hogwarts was like being wrapped in an old blanket on a chilly morning. He was conscious of a thousand odours floating in the air, each one connected with a thousand thoughts, and hopes, and joys, and cares long, long, forgotten. Strange, how a scent can bring you back to a very specific time. Remus breathed in the old wood, dusty tapestries, and the dull metallic tang of suits of armour, all overhung with festive smells of mistletoe and balsam fir boughs and garlands of evergreens - cedar, black spruce and pine. Gentle daylight shone through the windows at the end of the hall. It was Hogwarts on Christmas morning.
When he finally approached the Fat Lady, he realized that he was as invisible to her as if he'd been under James's cloak. He called out "Sirius?", partly wondering if the portrait guardian would respond to him. But she sat there serenely, looking as regal and sedentary as always. So he took a chance and pushed through the wall as if it were the entrance to Platform 9 and ¾.
Sure enough, he found himself in the common space. Lounging on the sofa as if he'd never left the castle was Sirius's ghost.
"Taking your time about things, aren't you? Fess up, though… these were the best of times."
Remus looked around the room for an indication of year. "I imagine I'd agree with you, but I'm not sure what times these are, precisely."
"We're right at the beginning of it all. This is our first Christmas all at Hogwarts. We're up in the dormitory right now, at the bloody genesis of The Marauders." Sirius's eyebrows wiggled and he flashed that careless grin of his. "It's Christmas, of course. Do you remember what we're talking about?"
Remus cast his thoughts back to his first Christmas at Hogwarts. "If I recall, I was receiving a sort of intervention."
Sirius's eyes filled with glee. "Let's go spy on us, shall we?" He got up and flew up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Remus had forgotten how Sirius used to do that. It had only been the first couple of years, though… before he'd become a moody teenager who cared how cool he looked.
Remus didn't have to think about which dormitory had been theirs, his feet led him instinctively. There they were, four very young boys sitting in the centre of a room lined with poster beds. James, Sirius, and Peter were all facing young Remus, who looked mildly terrified.
"We know," James said, his eyes gleaming. "We've figured it out, you see."
Young Remus's lip trembled. "What have you figured out, exactly?"
"We know where you go once a month," Peter piped up. "We know it's because of… of the full moon."
Young Remus's eyes widened in fear. The older Remus watched as his younger self was given the play-by-play on how his soon-to-be best mates had discovered his secret.
"I was petrified, you know," he said to Sirius. "I thought you would all turn me in, and that I'd have to leave. I had begged my parents to let me stay over the Christmas break. I convinced them that I'd be able to safely sneak out to transform on New Years' Eve without anyone noticing. That no one had noticed anything as of yet. But all three of you had to be clever."
"You look like you're going to wet yourself, Moony." Ghost Sirius teased, as he leaned against the end of his old bunk. His strange sense of humour was an odd comfort to Remus as he watched his younger self.
"That first Christmas… it was the beginning of friendships that changed me fundamentally. In some ways, more than my being bitten." He smiled wistfully while a tearful young Remus was surrounded by his new friends, each placing their hands on his shoulders in support and solidarity.
"We're here for you, mate." James said confidently. "Don't you dare think you're going to get to have fuzzy little adventures without us."
Older Remus smiled sadly. "I miss James."
Ghost Sirius nodded and rose. "That prat's thirst for adventure was the drive that kept the four of us together. I miss him too. Come on, time to move again."
He hopped off the bed and was out the door before Remus could blink.
Down the corridor they went, and with each turned corner, the years seemed to cycle by in front of them. Christmas after Christmas, with only minute changes in the annual decoration. Christmas lilies one year, holly the next. And then he saw that the ghost of Sirius beside him had also aged. He looked about nineteen now.
They approached a random door, and the spirit stood back to gesture that Remus go first. "After you, Moony."
Remus emerged on the other side of the door in the cozy foyer of a small house, and froze. He recognized where he was instantly, and it tore at his chest.
"Godric's Hollow." Sirius's voice behind him was quieter, graver.
"I'm not sure… that I can be here, Sirius." His friend's ghost looked at him with what was almost pity.
"But this is a happy memory, isn't it?"
Remus exhaled heavily. "It was a happy day. But as a memory, it doesn't bring me much joy anymore." Sirius followed him as they made their way to the dining room, where a younger and merrier Sirius and Remus sat at a table with James and Lily. Empty dishes were the only remains of what had been a veritable feast. Lily, whose green eyes glimmered in the fairy lights they'd adorned their Christmas tree with, looked radiant. James gazed lovingly at her like he was the luckiest man in the world. There was such an air of possibility and youthfulness in the air, something that felt right and content. But Remus could only feel dread of the news to come.
James sat up straight and clinked his wine glass with a spoon. "Well, Marauders. Happy Christmas." Young Sirius and Remus chimed back with their own Happy Christmases.
"It's a shame that Peter couldn't be here tonight, but Lily and I are beyond chuffed that you're here. We have news to share. Good news, for a change," he clarified, his eyes never quite leaving his wife's.
"Well spit it out, mate," Sirius laughed. "We need some good news to celebrate after this dreary year."
James nodded to Lily, who looked at the other boys in the room and said "I'm pregnant."
The response couldn't have been louder. Young Remus bellowed "What?!" and Sirius beside him howled with amusement, crying out "I can't bloody believe it! You're mental, the both of you!"
Remus watched the events unfold with a serious face. He felt the eyes of the ghost on him.
"News of a baby is usually a happy thing, isn't it?"
Remus shook his head in disagreement. "They're so young, Sirius. Nineteen. They didn't give a single thought or care as to what might happen to them in times of war. What will happen to them. How could anyone choose to bring a child into such a world at such a time?"
The ghost of Sirius watched him carefully. "They may have been young, but it doesn't take a genius to see how much they loved Harry - even before he was born. Do you honestly believe that if they'd known their futures, that they would have done anything differently?"
The young friends poured out another round of wine, which Lily declined laughing. Their joy should have been infectious, but Remus felt chilled and distant.
"Why are you showing me this? What lesson am I supposed to learn from this?"
The scene beside them began to fade into the background, as if they were again peering through a window at a room they were not in.
"You know as well as I do, Moony, that there is no greater power than that found in close friendship… or love." Sirius laughed, and it sounded like a bark. Remus looked up at him to see the spirit aging again, the years slowly marking his face. "I had you lot - close friends that became my family. But I never got the chance to love someone like James loved Lily.
"But you did, didn't you?"
"Sirius, please." His voice wavered. "No more."
"Only one more," the Ghost said.
The snow was falling outside Nymphadora's flat in London. Remus saw himself, only a year younger than he was now, walk determinedly up to the front door and reach out to push what she called a 'buzzer'. His finger paused, not an inch away from the button, and then fell back to her side. He turned again, almost as if he were going to leave.
"Looks like you're a mite nervous, Moony," Sirius observed cheekily. They had stopped just beside the nervous Remus, allowing them a close view of a myriad of thoughts and decisions as they passed over his face.
He stood, indecisively raising his finger again, only to drop it once more. An older woman passing by him called out "just press the button already, lovie!" At that unexpected nudge, Lupin finally pressed the button.
"Who is it?" Nymphadora's voice came through the intercom. Remus looked puzzledly at the electronic box, not sure if he needed to keep pressing the button to talk. He decided not to.
"Uh, Nymphadora, is that you? It's Remus. Lupin." Watching was even more painfully embarrassing than Remus remembered.
"I look like a lunatic," he muttered to Sirius. His friend laughed again, his familiar bark of a sound. "That's because you're acting like one. Totally mad for her, aren't you?"
Remus ignored him and followed himself into the building after the buzzer sounded. They marched up two flights of endless stairs before he saw her. Standing in the doorway of her flat, her hair an alluring shade of bubblegum pink and her face coloured with amusement, was Nymphadora Tonks.
"Remus. Happy Christmas. You decided to take me up on my offer, then?" Her guest stopped abruptly in the doorway. "Your… offer…"
"For a cup of Christmas cheer, you git. What did you think I meant?" She smiled wickedly at him as he brushed by her.
Nymphadora Tonks' flat was the strangest space that Remus had ever seen. It must have once been an industrial muggle warehouse, apparent from the soaring ceilings and the old brick walls, but the witch had decided to splash loud colour over every inch of it in the form of cushions, posters, and paint. It certainly couldn't be described as tidy either… but the clutter somehow made it feel inviting.
She walked towards the kitchen and pulled a bottle of port down from a high shelf. "I got this bottle of port from a friend in the Department of International Magical Cooperation. Owed me a favour. You like port, don't you?" Without waiting for an answer, she began to fill two stout little glasses.
"Port is fine," Remus answered as he ogled the space. "Nymphadora, how do you get anything done in here? It's… the physical manifestation of chaos."
"My mum once called me an agent of chaos. Best compliment she's ever paid me. And please, for Merlin's sake, don't call me Nymphadora. Call me Tonks. Or Dora. Nymph even." She offered him a glass with a sly smile.
"Ny… Dora. Thank you, Dora."
As they sunk into two overstuffed chairs, the visiting spirits edged closer.
"I must say, I would never have predicted that it'd be Tonks," Ghost Sirius speculated. "But I like the idea of her shaking up your world a little. You get too serious on your own."
"I'm perfectly happy on my own, Sirius." But even as he said it, he found it sounded more like an excuse than the truth. Even in a memory, Nymphadora mesmerized him. It was the way she seemed so comfortable in her own skin, and emanated such a lust for life. He was drawn to her like a magnet.
She hadn't been sure he'd come, she'd told him later. He hadn't been sure he'd come - but she had acted as though it was a foregone conclusion.
"I'm glad you came. I know it's… not a good day."
Remus clutched his glass of port. "No, I can't stay long."
They sat there in silence, Remus staring at his glass and Tonks staring at Remus. The spirits waited silently.
"Remus," Tonks asked finally. "Why did you come? I got the sense that you weren't too chuffed when I invited you over."
Remus shifted in his chair. "Molly told me you weren't planning on spending Christmas with your parents. I didn't want you to have to spend the day all on your own."
Tonks set her drink down on the cluttered coffee table. "You didn't want me to spend Christmas alone?" she repeated.
She looked positively incendiary. Remus cleared his throat and set his own glass down.
"Dora, listen to me. I know what you're on about. You're not exactly the most… subtle of witches." Before Tonks could react, he continued. "And I can't say it isn't unwanted… exactly…"
"You are adorable, Moony," Sirius observed. His companion made a face but didn't speak.
Tonks watched Remus patiently. "Are you saying that you're not attracted to me?"
Remus didn't answer right away. His face was unreadable. "No… I'm not saying that exactly."
"Are you saying that you didn't want to come here tonight?"
"No, I wanted to come. But…"
"Are you saying that if I kiss you right now, you would wish I hadn't?"
Her hair was starting to curl at the ends, just ever so slightly, and Remus was transfixed. He let out a deep breath. "We shouldn't. But no, I'm not saying that."
At this, Tonks got out of her chair and lowered herself onto Remus's lap. Without another word, she raised a hand to his face and stroked his jaw in a gentle and surprisingly un-Tonks-like way. And then she dragged his face to hers and kissed him.
"Sweet Morgana, Remus. If a girl kissed me like that, I would probably propose on the spot."
Dreading what came next, the Remus observing the kiss pressed against his temples in worry. "Let's leave, Sirius. Take me back home."
"Not quite yet, friend."
The two lovers broke their kiss and lost themselves for a moment in each other's eyes. But then Remus inhaled and made to rise. Nymphadora quickly shifted off of him.
"What is it? Is something the matter?"
"Nympha… Tonks, this isn't a good idea."
"Why not?"
Remus's face looked grief-stricken. "I'm a werewolf. I'm way too old for you. You don't know what you're getting into." He started to move away from her.
"Two of those statements are true, but rubbish excuses. But that last one is full wrong. I do know what I'm getting into."
"Nymphadora, please. I should go before this gets more complicated."
"I don't know if you've noticed, but I like complicated."
She refused to look away from him, and Remus finally met her eyes.
"Nymphadora." he pleaded.
"Call me Nymphadora one more time, and I will jump you."
It was if a switch had flicked. Remus's eyes gleamed with challenge… and with need.
"Nymphadora."
She'd actually jumped on him, clinging to his waist with his thighs, and to his shoulders with her arms. They were kissing in a way that made the observing Remus want to blush.
"Nice moves, Moony. You never could let a challenge lie."
"We should leave," Remus said firmly. "Now."
"You know it isn't over yet."
It was as if no time had passed when an irate Lupin, furious doing the buttons on his shirt, burst from the bedroom and raced towards the door.
"Remus, talk to me!" Tonks raced out after him, wearing a bright blue robe.
"It should never have happened. This should never have happened. I have to go." He looked furious, but the older Remus saw grief and guilt in his face as well.
"Not until you talk to me!" Tonks put herself in front of Remus and the front door.
He growled. "It is not SAFE, Tonks. I never should have stayed this long. I never should have come."
"It is HOURS until moonrise. Do you know why? I checked in advance. I WANTED you to stay, Remus."
He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "You don't know what you're getting-"
"That's bullshit. Don't treat me like a child."
"You ARE a child!" Remus roared.
Tonks came at him with matching fury. Her hair had changed to a violent orange shade. "And don't tell me I don't know what I'm doing. You're a self-righteous arse, Remus Lupin. You knew exactly why you came here. You knew what I was asking when I invited you. Don't blame it on me if you don't know how to let someone care about you."
She moved aside from the door. Remus flew through it without even looking at her. Tonks slammed the door after him.
"That's enough," Sirius said shortly, and the scene faded away.
Remus was shaking his head. "She's right. I knew what I was doing when I went over. I should never have done it. I could have avoided everything."
When he looked up, he saw that he and the Ghost of Sirius were back in Grimmauld Place.
"She's right. You are a self-righteous prick."
"I beg your pardon?"
"It sounded like she knew exactly what she was getting into when she invited you over. And she knew about your 'furry little problem' before then?"
Remus was growing impatient. "Yes. So?"
Sirius looked closely at his friend. "So she didn't want you to be alone on Christmas day. She gave you the gift of a person you could be yourself with - who accepted you for who you are. And you rejected her."
"It isn't RIGHT, Sirius. She shouldn't have to give up a normal life to be with someone like me. It's a life without freedom. It'd break her."
"And you get to make that call, do you? You, of all people, would tell someone that they're not strong enough to love you? You think that's right?" Sirius wasn't smiling or laughing now. He looked irritated and, what was worse, disappointed.
"Let me tell you about a life without freedom, mate. I spent most of my childhood trying to get away from a repulsive family, only to be betrayed by a friend who was like a brother. I spent the next ten years in a cell, having every good feeling peeled away from me, bit by bit. And then for the last few years of my life, I was either on the run or on house arrest in this horrid house."
Remus's entire was body, eyes watering with the force of emotions he was feeling, but he couldn't bring himself to interject.
"You've had your own battles to fight, mate. I know it. But you can't protect people by pushing them away. It didn't work with us, the Marauders, and it won't work with Tonks. If you don't hold on to what you've finally been given...well, that will definitely break you. And her. And everyone who loves you. You're not in it alone, even if you wish you were."
He looked down at his ghostly form. It seemed to be flickering.
"I may have not had a lot of freedom in my time, but I don't regret a single choice I made. I lived the stuffing out of my life at every chance I could. James would have said the same."
Remus wasn't ready for him to go, not like this. "Sirius, not yet!"
"I'm sorry, Remus, I don't have much of a choice in the matter. But you do. You still get to choose how you want to live your life. So bloody live it, won't you?
"See you, Moony."
And with that, his friend was gone.