"I can't believe the two of you," Kathryn shouted angrily.
"Hey, I didn't send the letters!" Phoebe said, hands in the air showing her innocence.
"Yes, but you were the one who showed them to her. That makes you just as guilty," Kathryn pointed out
"I'm sorry Kathryn," Phoebe said timidly.
"Sorry doesn't fix this," Kathryn muttered.
There was a pause. No one knew quite what to say.
"You two go back to the party. I'm going home," Kathryn said.
"Are you sure?" Phoebe asked.
"Yes. Just be sure to drop Naomi off at Samantha's. I'll give you the address,"
"Aunt Kathryn I'm…" Naomi started, her tears falling freely.
Kathryn was angry, but at the same time, she didn't enjoy seeing Naomi so distraught.
"I know. And I understand that you were only trying to help. I think that I just need some time to process everything," Kathryn said calmly.
"Go back inside and have some fun," Kathryn said to both of them.
"Are you sure? Maybe we should go with you," Phoebe suggested.
"No…I need to be alone right now. Please, just go back inside,"
Kathryn made it from the transporter station to her home in record time. The minute she was in the front door, she threw her shoes off and started unzipping her dress. Halfway unzipped, she walked over to the kitchen cabinet and took out a bottle of vodka.
She didn't even get the chance to pour a glass before the doorbell rang.
Her mind jumped to two possibilities: she'll open the door to see Chakotay, or she'll open the door to see her sister. Honestly, she didn't want to see either, but at least if it was Chakotay she might get to kiss him again. Just the thought of that caused her heart to race and her breathing to accelerate. She hadn't been kissed like that in ages, it was amazing.
Now she was almost excited to open the door and see his dimpled grin again.
She had to mask her disappointment when she opened the door and he wasn't there. Instead, another familiar face stood there smiling back; Mark Johnson.
"Mark, what are you doing here?" she asked.
"I tried to find you at the party, but your sister said you went home. May I come in?"
"I'm not sure that's a good idea. Maybe you should run it by your wife first," she went to close the door, but he stopped it with his foot.
"Kathryn wait," he pleaded.
"What do you have to say to me, Mark? I have a feeling I know what it is, and trust me when I say that I'm in no mood to hear it," she said, her patience had run out a while ago.
"What about the letter?" he asked.
"You were never meant to read that. Besides, it was written years ago," she brushed it off quickly.
"But those feelings, they don't just go away. Reading that brought back so many memories, good ones," he said.
"Memories from another time, another life. We've both changed. You have a wife and a son. You should go home," she said, her anger rising. She was not the type of woman to indulge in feelings with a married man, especially feelings she hadn't even thought about in years.
"Carla she's amazing…but she's not you. I miss you Kath, and that letter being sent to me now…makes me think you might just miss me too," he said, his eyes twinkling with hope.
"Mark…" she started, but he interrupted.
"No, Kathryn I…."
She had to stop him, she had to shut him up before he said anymore.
"Mark, I'm seeing someone. It's serious," she lied through her teeth.
"The guy you kissed tonight? Your former first officer…that Maquis terrorist," he said in shock and disgust.
"Don't talk about him like that. You have no idea who he really is, he is not a terrorist, never was," she said angrily.
"You and I are so much better together, I won't leave until you see that I'm right," he said forcefully.
'Of course, now he gets the balls to start demanding things of me.' She thought.
"Chakotay's coming over soon. You're welcome to stay, but I don't think you'd enjoy watching," she said sarcastically. His face twisted, and his hurt expression made her heart ache slightly, but she needed him gone.
"Kathryn, he's not good enough for you. I haven't given up on us, not yet,"
"You gave up on us the moment you said 'I do'" she said bitterly.
"It was the biggest mistake I ever made," he said tearfully.
"Mark…you need to go,"
"Fine, but I'll see you in three weeks. I'll be at the birthday celebration for Admiral Paris, and I'll be sure to come alone. If by then you've broken up with this… Chakotay, then I think we should have another discussion," he said, turning away from her, but suddenly he turned around.
"I never stopped loving you Kath," he said sadly.
He quickly leaned down and placed a soft, chaste kiss upon her lips.
"Goodnight," she whispered.
"Goodnight," he replied.
The minute the door closed, she unzipped the dress and pulled it from her body. Standing in nothing but her underwear, she put the glass back in the cabinet and grabbed the entire bottle instead. Quickly, she walked to the bathroom and started a hot bath.
Once fully immersed in the hot water, and a good way into the vodka bottle, she began to think about those letters. Grabbing a padd off of the bathroom sink, she pulled them up. Reading the one about Justin brought up so many forgotten memories and buried emotions. By the time she was finished that one, her makeup was running down her face in a rather unattractive way.
Next was the one about Mark. She smiled at the words written. It discussed how appreciative she was of him for helping her find herself after Justin. In it she talked about how much she loved him, but never once did it say that she was in love with him. She smirked at some of the more daring sections, describing how he used to 'bother her in all the right ways'.
Suddenly a thought popped into her head. 'What did I write to Chakotay?'. Obviously, something she wrote gave him arrogant confidence about her feelings for him, but she wrote it so long ago.
She opened his letter. It started out sweet, but soon after it became blatantly filled with desire.
'So many times, I think about throwing protocol out an airlock and calling you to my quarters in the middle of the night. I think about kissing your perfect lips, trailing my kisses down your stomach and taking your….'
She wanted to scream right then and there. She couldn't believe he actually read this. He probably had a smug grin on his perfect face while he did. It made her furious.
She skipped to the next paragraph.
'I could stare at those lips all day. I think about them constantly. Particularly I like to think about where I want them. My lips, my neck, the valley between my breasts, my…'
She quickly scrolled further down, finding a part that was less steamy.
'I wish I could write this all off as simple lust, a fantasy fueled by sexual desire, but I can't. I know that I love you. I'm aware of how much I'm in love with you, it's consuming. Truth be told, it frightens me how much I care. One of the reasons I use to rationalize staying friends is that I'm too afraid that if I open up and then lose you, it would break me. I realized tonight that regardless of our relationship status, losing you would still break me. It would probably do more damage losing you without ever telling you how I really feel.'
She wondered his reaction to reading this part. Was he flattered? Did he even care?
Putting the padd down and picking up the vodka bottle, she decided she was done reading and ready to start drinking again.
The next morning, she woke up feeling like a truck had hit her full force directly in her head. She stumbled over to her replicator and ordered something to take away the pain as well as a mug of black coffee.
After getting dressed, she began to feel a little better. She checked her messages and made herself some breakfast. As she put the used dishes in the sink, the doorbell rang.
She was highly unamused, assuming it was her sister coming over to make amends, she opened the door. Her eyes nearly bugged out of her head when Chakotay stood before her.
"Morning Kathryn," she loved the way he said her name.
"May I come in?" he asked as she continued to stare at him dumbfoundedly.
"Oh…sure. Would you like something to drink?" she asked nervously.
They walked over and sat on the couch.
"No, I'm fine. Thank you," he said.
"So, what can I do for you?" she asked.
"I wanted to have that discussion," he said.
"If this is about the letter. I just want to say that it was written a long time ago and I never intended to send it…" she started.
"Naomi sent it, I know," he said.
"You know?" she asked, confused.
"She talked to me last night, explained what happened and how sorry she was for causing so much trouble," he said.
"I should give her a call, poor kid is probably beating herself up over it,"
"You're not angry with her?" he asked.
"I was, but I've had time to cool down and I realize that what she did came from a place of love," she replied.
"Speaking of love…So those feelings that you talked about in the letter…Do you still feel that way?" he asked hesitantly.
"Chakotay…that was so long ago…I..." she stuttered nervously.
"Don't feel guilty if you don't Kathryn, and you shouldn't feel embarrassed either. I can tell you that there was a time where I wouldn't hesitate to fulfill each one of your fantasies…reciprocate every feeling written down. But like you said…it was a long time ago,"
She didn't say no, she thought about saying that she didn't feel that way about him anymore. It was an easy out, but a part of her wanted to scream out that she never stopped loving him. Then he had to go talking about his feelings for her in the past tense. She felt like an idiot. Of course, his feelings faded, she waited so long, strung him along for seven years.
"I actually came to ask you a favor, well more like make a proposition. One which would be mutually beneficial," he said.
"What would that be?"
"Well, you must know that things with Seven and I, didn't go well. I miss her terribly, and last night she heard about our kiss. She was pretty angry, even called me to see if I was alone,"
Her stomach dropped at his mentioning of Seven.
"What do I have to do with it? Do you need me to talk to her and tell her…"
"No, no that's not what I want you to do. I was actually hoping we could do it again, in public. My thought was that we pretend to see each other. We get caught by the paparazzi on a few dates and finish it off by attending Admiral Paris' birthday ball together. Seven already RSVP'd. When everyone sees us go together, we'll both get what we want. It will drive Seven crazy, hopefully sending her into my arms again and it would keep Mark off your back. It's a win-win," he said.
"I don't know," she said hesitantly. She was actually quite shocked that he would propose something like this.
"It would mean a lot to me," he added.
"I'll think about it," she conceded.
"Thank you," he said.
"How about this. I'll be at this bar tomorrow night. If you decide that you want to do this, meet me there at eight pm sharp, if you don't show up…then I have my answer," he wrote the name of the bar on a notepad sitting on the coffee table in front of them.
"I hope to see you," he said.
He kissed her cheek and left out the front door.
A silent tear ran down her cheek. That was not what she had hoped his proposal would be. She wanted all of him, she didn't want to pretend. But then she thought again and made up her mind. She needed Mark to stop badgering her, and maybe if she did this it could be what finally got her over Chakotay. Maybe fake dating him would prove to be disastrous and her eyes would open to reveal he isn't as perfect as she thought. 'Probably not' she thought.
"Whiskey please," he ordered from the bartender.
It was five past eight. It looked as though he'd be drinking alone, but then he heard the distinctive voice which made the hairs on his neck stand straight up and his heart jumped.
"Make that two," she said.
He turned around and nearly had the breath knocked out of him by the sight. Her slightly longer hair was loose and flowing, and her black cocktail dress hugged her body in all the right places. She was gorgeous.
"If this is going to work, there need to be some ground rules," she said, taking a seat next to him. She looked as though she was negotiating a trade deal with the leader of a planet. He had seen this look and posture before. She was serious and played it cool, but underneath it all she was nervous and he could tell.
"Such as?" he asked curiously.
"Such as you plan the dates, we will go out only twice a week, you get one public kiss per date, no tongue," she said.
"Oh, now where's the fun in that?" he asked flirtatiously.
"And you keep your hands to yourself," she said, choosing to ignore his last comment. Her blushing didn't go unnoticed though.
"You have my word," he replied.
"I like roses, and dancing…we should go dancing," she said absent-mindedly.
"Duly noted,"
She grabbed the drink off the bar and downed it in one gulp.
"I have to go," she said.
"But you just got here," he said, disappointed.
"And I have plans at eight-thirty. If you think I got this dressed up just to meet you here, you're sorely mistaken. Besides, we haven't officially started pretend-dating yet,"
"Oh, I see. You're leaving me here to go on a date with another man," he said, outwardly pretending to be hurt, but on the inside, it wasn't quite fake.
"Don't act like you know everything," she leaned in close and whispered seductively in his ear, her hot breath causing him to shutter.
"For all, you know…it could be a woman," she said with a raised brow.
She walked away with a satisfied smirk and left him with thoughts and images in his head which would fuel fantasies later that night.
Once she was outside the bar, she pulled a black sweater from her purse and put it on. After buttoning it up, she grabbed a hair tie and pulled her hair into a loose ponytail. She got her communications device out and hit a few buttons.
"Hey, mom? Yeah, it's me, are you ready for dinner? Yes, eight-thirty. Alright, I'll meet you there, bye. Love you too," she laughed and shook her head.
When she got home later that evening, she was greeted by a beautiful bouquet of pink peace roses. She picked them up and read the note attached.
'Dear Kathryn,
I hope you're free this Saturday, you and I are going dancing. Please wear something like that dress you wore tonight. I hope you had fun with whoever you were with, but maybe you should let him…or her, know that you're now officially (fake) dating someone.
Love, Chakotay
She chuckled sadly at the last two words 'Love Chakotay'. She already did, but he no longer felt the same way. Her next immediate thought was:
'What the hell did I get myself into?'