Co-Written by Neo H.B.B. Sam
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Bad Beat
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On the security feed at Big Jim's Bar and Grill, the camera recorded the date as 10/15/14 and the time being 6:37 PM.
A camera above the bar showed Eddy's brother haphazardly cramming fries into a greasy double bacon cheeseburger and pouring liquor all over it. The other patrons at the diner tried their best to ignore the drunken customer, but they could not drown out Bro's shouting at a TV screen showing a college basketball game. "That's a fucking penalty?" the thirty-something man slurred as bits of fries flew out of his mouth. Bro put his arm around an older man who gave a startled glare at being touched. "They'll make anything a fucking penalty these games, am I right or am I right?"
The older man threw the alcoholic's arm off and coldly stated, "Shut your fucking mouth or I'm going to knock your fucking lights out."
Bro let out a hardy chuckle, nearly choking on his chewed up food. "You're hilarious," he wheezed, hacking up his food. He then noticed May Kanker working as a waitress tonight as she walked right past him, causing his eyes to widen as a devilish smirk grew on his face. "Hey girl!" Bro yelled, flicking a fry into May's long, blond hair.
May took in a deep breath as she decided to ignore him and attend to a less rowdy and intoxicated customer.
"Hey baby!" Bro shouted, this time even louder. Half of the other customers let out a collective groan, their dining experience ruined this evening by yours' truly. "Hey chika, over here!" Nearly deafened from this belligerent boom, the older man who had the misfortune of sitting right next to Bro slammed thirty dollars on the bar and stomped out, unable to tolerate Bro's antics anymore.
"What?" May yelled as she marched over to Bro, folding her arms and giving him a death glare. "This better be good."
Bro whipped out a bottle of cheap cologne and doused himself heavily in it. "You free after work tonight?"
May took another deep breath to regain her composure as she rolled her eyes. "My boyfriend's already coming to see me, so stuff it."
Bro unleashed a hysterical laugh, slapping his knees and throwing his cologne at the wall, tiny shards of glass flying everywhere."Why don't you forget your boyfriend and come hang with a real man?"
"For fuck's sake, where's a manager when ya need one?"
Just then, the side door of the bar opened up and in walked a trio of teenagers. Ed was carrying a paper bag with Kevin at his side, and Jonny following behind. "Hey May!" Ed exclaimed, causing the restaurant's patrons to turn their attention to him and his friends. "I brought the sourdough donuts and chili sauce like you asked!"
Eddy's brother fumbled off his bar stool, pulling himself up by climbing up a booth. "Oh fuck me!" he yelled, grabbing another man's drink and taking a gulp out of it, much to the man's frustration. "It's the brick shithouse, I'm out!" He clumsily slid across some tables, knocking over several meals and breaking many glass cups and plates. Bro then charged his way through Big Jim's Bar and Grill, shoving a woman to the ground before bolting out of the diner.
"Dine and dasher!" May screamed just incase anyone who was blind and deaf happened to be eating at the bar tonight.
The aforementioned brick shithouse handed the bag of goodies over to his fellow teammate and chased after the deadbeat. Outside, the security camera showed Bro tripping onto the concrete, scrapping himself as he grasped a pick-up to pull himself up, snapping the left side mirror off in the process. Seeing Ed in pursuit of him, Bro began to haul ass as he flailed away into the highway. Incoming traffic nearly hit him on multiple occasions, and at least one vehicle collided with another when breaking. Ed stopped by the entrance to the parking lot to gaze at Bro, who was now on the other side of the highway and gunning it in a field. After a few minutes passed, the security feed recorded the date as 10/15/14 and the time being 6:43 PM, and Ed walked back into Big Jim's Bar and Grill with Bro out of sight from the camera, becoming but a speck in the distance.
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I3Chickens!: wat happen at scool eddy?
CEOCa$h: ed i dont wanna talk about it
I3Chickens!: y
CEOCa$h: bcuz i all redy made an ass of myself 2day tellin sockhead he shoulda stayed in Canada
CEOCa$h: why the fuck wont he leave me alone?
I3Chickens!: he misses u eddy
CEOCa$h: thats his problem
CEOCa$h: shit look ed i missed double d too
CEOCa$h: im actually glad hes back
CEOCa$h: but i dont really wanna talk 2 him
CEOCa$h: like i see him and i jus get mad bcuz of how fucked up shits been
I3Chickens!: how eddy?
CEOCa$h: well the goddamn shrink didnt help
CEOCa$h: half the time they were blaming me for what happened
CEOCa$h: fuck 'em
CEOCa$h: besides that i havent been as sucessful with the ladies like you, kev, and rolfy boy
CEOCa$h: bcuz of wat happened
I3Chickens!: oh?
CEOCa$h: well yh
CEOCa$h: u got may in ur stable
CEOCa$h: kev n nazz were something for a little while and we all know they boned
CEOCa$h: rolf
CEOCa$h: well u know how the girls get around him
CEOCa$h: aside from jonny and the twerps and maybe double d
CEOCa$h: im the only one who hasnt popped his cherry
I3Chickens!: relly eddy?
CEOCa$h: for fucks sake
CEOCa$h: YES REALLY
CEOCa$h: and its all because of double d!
CEOCa$h: okay well maybe not all of it
I3Chickens!: edy do u think u 2 can b friends agan?
CEOCa$h: wait i gettin a txt
CEOCa$h: ed y the fuk r u sending me a txt wen we
CEOCa$h: FUCK HACKER!
I3Chickens!: Eddy, wait!
CEOCa$h: git off Eds account you fucking hack Jimmy!
CEOCa$h: im reportin ur ass!
CEOCa$h has signed out
I3Chickens!: I'm sorry. I just wanted to talk to you again.
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Nazz Winter's MyBook Chat
Nazz Winters 8:03 PM: Hey Rolf are you there?
Rolf Shepherd 8:05 PM: ah greetens go go nazz girl
Rolf Shepherd 8:05 PM: what brings you to speak with rolf on this device that you and comrade kevin made rolf get?
Nazz Winters 8:07 PM: Well for one how did that meeting go with your coach and the other captains today?
Nazz Winters 8:07 PM: I asked Ed and Eddy but didn't get a response from them.
Nazz Winters 8:07 PM: Kevin well, you know why I'm not asking him, too awkward. :^/
Rolf Shepherd 8:08 PM: ah the negoation process was like that of attending a potato slicers union dispute
Rolf Shepherd 8:08 PM: very cuthroat and with strong presuading needed yes
Rolf Shepherd 8:09 PM: but to as they say cut to the chase yes rolf shall remain on the team till the seasons end
Rolf Shepherd 8:09 PM: all of rolfs fellow team captains and the coach were understanding of rolfs predickament so every tuesday rolf is permited to assit on papas farm
Nazz Winters 8:11 PM: Sweet dude I'm really glad to hear that you didn't get kicked off the team. Wouldn't be the same cheering on for the Cobbler's if you weren't playing.
Nazz Winters 8:11 PM: Also dude I have something else to ask you about.
Rolf Shepherd 8:12 PM: beatrice is not for sale she is stil produing many fine calfs n milk for rolf and his family yes!11!11!
Nazz Winters 8:13 PM: Uh not what I was gonna ask dude..
Nazz Winters 8:13 PM: Rolf, what kind of career do you picture me having after high school?
Rolf Shepherd 8:15 PM: rolf says in the old country the women work just as hard as the men if not more as they also need to bear children yes
Nazz Winters: 8:15 PM: Wow really? What do they do?
Rolf Shepherd 8:15 PM: the typical work of the maiden
Rolf Shepherd 8:15 PM: working in the fields, guttin the goats, baking the flatbread, acting as arbitrators and the esteemed role of the midwife are all crucial in the old country yes!
Nazz Winters 8:16 PM: I uh ... don't think I'm cut out for that kind of work.
Nazz Winters 8:16 PM: I don't even know what an "arbitrator" is.
Rolf Shepherd 8:17 PM: rolf ould explain but that is to much words rolf must mash out on the acursed keyboard
Rolf Shepherd 8:17 PM: as the tech savvy people of your country say: yaggle it
Nazz Winters 8:18 PM: I'll do that later man.
Nazz Winters 8:18 PM: I just wanted some suggestions. I asked Double-D and he told me to make sure I don't pursue my passions or whatever, and Eddy just said to get rich.
Nazz Winters 8:18 PM: There's just not that much time until all of us graduate and have to figure out what we have to do with the rest of our lives.
Rolf Shepherd 8:19 PM: take a dip in the cabbage juice there is no need to be so woried high spirited nazz girl
Rolf Shepherd 8:19 PM: have you tried askin yuer elders?!
Nazz Winters 8:20 PM: Lol good one, not! I've asked my mom a bunch of times and she's no help at all! She's just as clueless as me right now :^/
Nazz Winters 8:22 PM: God, times like this make me wish my dad was in my life. Maybe he would know what to say if he didn't run off when I was three..
Rolf Shepherd 8:24 PM: rolf cannot imagine life without papa
Rolf Shepherd 8:24 PM: or rolfs mama as well
Rolf Shepherd 8:24 PM: it frustrates rolfs best man kevin about the abscene of his mother figure as does the missing man of yuer house yes
Nazz Winters 8:25 PM: Oh God do not get me started on Kevin and his dumb issues!1
Nazz Winters 8:26 PM: "It's just been me and me dad all my life!"
Nazz Winters 8:26 PM: "My dad's marrying his gf in a few months and I don't think I can handle having a step-mom because I'm a selfish loser!"
Nazz Winters 8:27 PM: "Fuck dude it's just so harsh and not radical that I'm such an insecure piece of shit!"
Nazz Winters 8:27 PM: That is exactly how Kevin sounds!11! :^(
Rolf Shepherd 8:28 PM: and rolf is supposed to assum that bitter nazz girls problems are not all that disimilar from the isues rolfs best friend faces?
Nazz Winters 8:29 PM: Fuck you Rolf you're not helping me here!1
Rolf Shepherd 8:30 PM: HOW MANY TIMES MUST ROLF SMASH INTO BRAINLESS VALLEY NAZZ GIRLS HOLLOW HEAD THAT ROLF IS TO NOT BE "MIDDLE MAN" OF YOUR FAILED RELATIONSHIP!?
Rolf Shepherd 8:30 PM: FIRST ROLF IS IGORED WHEN YOU TWO BEGIN MATING MORE THAN SHIP RATS AND NOW ROLF IS PULLED BACK AND FORTH LIKE A WINDUP TOY THAT BRATTY CHILDREN NEEDLESSLY FIGHT OVER!
Rolf Shepherd 8:30 PM: NOW HEED ROLF NO MORE WOMAN!1! I AM TO SHARE SOME OF ROLFS ALE THAT YU NOR KEVIN CAN HAVE WITH SIMPLETON ED BOY!1 ROLF HAS A FEELIN IN THE GUT THAT OAFISH ED BOY CAN SYMPATHIZE WITH ROLF RIGHT NOW!
Rolf Shepherd 8:31 PM: GOOD DAY!1!
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[From: Jonathan Woods]
[hey jimy i think i fund sumthin that totes belongs 2 u!]
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:21 AM]
[From: James Clair]
[What on earth do you possess that belongs to me Jonny?]
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:22 AM]
[From: Jonathan Woods]
[ok its not 4 u really it sayz felix, fenix or whatever 1 of ur weird as hell firends yo hang with these days!]
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:24 AM]
[From: James Clair]
[If you stole my or their property I can easily have you sent to county jail for awhile Jonathan.]
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:25 AM]
[From: Jonathan Woods]
[as plank alwayz used 2 say a pix is worth a lot uf words!]
Outside on Jonny's red and brown crunchy autumn backyard was a phallic object that was both long in length and great in girth. The material was a soft, yet firm jelly-like silver-purple plastic that had its design name, "Model: Gryphon" and its owner's name, "Felix" inscribed onto the side. A dried sticky substance seemed to cover the tip of the insertion device as if it had been used relatively recently withing the past few days. Plank leaned against a tree in the background, and his normal blank expression captured a perfect reaction anyone would have on their first time seeing this pleasure toy. The wooden fence in Jonny's backyard was also had boards snapped into bits, as if a couple of brutes smashed their way through it in the middle of the night.
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:27 AM]
[From: James Clair]
[I'll ask this only once Jonathan: How did you get your filthy hands on that?]
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:30 AM]
[From: Jonathan Woods]
[just fond it lying outside when i was abot 2 rake sum leaves. I think ed n rolf musta got it when they were flumbling around everywere last nigth drunk as a couple of stunks!]
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:32 AM]
[From: James Clair]
[Well that explains the mess of buttered toast and gravy I heard my parents get in an uproar over this morning. I can't believe those two burglarized my house while I was asleep!]
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:34 AM]
[From: Jonathan Woods]
[dunt feel 2 special jimmy me n plank fund a bunch of sausage everywhere in my bathroom this morning! I almost barfed seein all that gros meat!]
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:35 AM]
[From: James Clair]
[I know I wasn't singled out as a particular target last night. Sarah informed me earlier about just how badly her abode was trashed, and I've heard our neighbors scream this morning as well.]
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:36 AM]
[From: Jonathan Woods]
[eddy told me that he aint got a clue were those allcoholics ran of 2 when I asked him a bit ago!]
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:37 AM]
[From: James Clair]
[Most likely they're lying low to hide from the authorities, although I doubt any charges will be pressed against either of them. All of our parents are used to Ed's normal sleep walking and whatever damage him and Rolf did was minimal at best. Strange though how such an act that would get us to form a mob with pitchforks as children will be glossed over so casually. My father said even if one of us were to prosecute them at most they would probably just receive some community service.]
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:40 AM]
[From: Jonathan Woods]
[lol yeah... so want ur... thing back?]
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:42 AM]
[From: James Clair]
[But of course, I'll be over to pick it up soon.]
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:42 AM]
[From: Jonathan Woods]
[nah its cool ill just giv it 2 ya at skool tomoro]
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:43 AM]
[From: James Clair]
[No, I'm going to get it today without raising any alarm.]
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:43 AM]
[From: Jonathan Woods]
[y u embarrased XP]
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:44 AM]
[From: James Clair]
[Okay, I see how this is going to potentially play out and to prevent a similar incident like the time you gave Eddy my novice "Book of Scams", I'll ask this: How much do you want?]
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:45 AM]
[From: Jonathan Woods]
[$200 wit $50 extra if u dunt want the beans spiled!]
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:45 AM]
[From: James Clair]
[Alright you dog, I'll have to make a withdrawal at an ATM later today. There goes half of my savings.]
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:47 AM]
[From: Jonathan Woods]
[woah cool ye take ur time jimmy!]
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:48 AM]
[From: James Clair]
[Meet me by Yeson's at 1:30 if you want your money. Bring "it" with you obviously.]
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:50 AM]
[From: Jonathan Woods]
[kk sounds lik a hoot see ya then jimmy!]
[Message Sent: October 19th, 10:51 AM]
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Pictalk
Lee: hey eddy i found one of ur buddies hogtied and naked in the junkyard
Lee: what gives?
Jonny lied naked on a pile of scrap metal brutally beaten and bruised. Black eyes, a few cuts and several welts indicated a rather vicious attack. He was tightly tied with some rough rope that would surely leave marks. The worst however was that a sticky wad of cash was thoroughly lodged in Jonny's mouth, and a savage looking red phallic-mark was on his face. This was what a man looked like completely humiliated, and turned into an incarnation of shame.
Eddy: HOLY SHIT! WUT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
Lee: i aint got a clue i found him like this
Eddy: the fuck is that on his face?
Eddy: nvm im commin to get him
Eddy: ill take him to the hospital
Lee: thanks the boss was about to call the paramedics
Lee: ur closer though
Eddy: kkk