Chapter 2
Tobias
I stare at her in disbelief. This is how she sees me? Like some idiot pushing her for sex? If that's what she really thinks of me, she doesn't know me at all.
The thought hurts me so much that I can't look at her any longer, so I turn my attention to the computer. I quickly open a text file and hammer in empty words on the keyboard, hoping she'll get the message and leave.
I need to be alone to get her fearful expression during the simulation out of my mind. The way her body tensed when my simulation-self pushed her to the bed and ordered her to sit down, her anxious expression at the command to take off her shirt. She's afraid of me, I think, she's afraid of me, afraid of me, afraid of me.
Is she afraid right now, too? After all, she's alone in here with me. I think back to the worried look on her face when she entered this room earlier. Has she been fearful the whole time? What is she thinking of me?
"You should go," I whisper when she doesn't make a move.
Alone. I need to be alone. A part of me wishes she would say something, explain herself, but she doesn't. I hear the door creak open and then slam shut behind her.
Now I am alone. Again.
I sit down on the chair beside the computer, unable to believe what has just happened. I can't think, I'm restless. What I need right now is to get the anger out of my system. I shut down the computer, stand up and switch off the lights.
I quickly go to my apartment to change into training clothes and head to one of the training rooms. It's empty.
Relieved that I can be on my own in here, I start running to warm up my body. Then I work about an hour on the different exercise machines, pushing my body hard. It feels good to lift and push and pull weights with my arms and legs until my muscles can no longer support them. I allow myself to take a short break before I move on to the punching bag hanging in the corner and attack it with my bare hands. I'm still not into fighting people, especially not for fun, but I appreciate how hitting the thick leather eases my mind and gives me the feeling of being in control of myself. By the time my knuckles turn red, my head feels comfortably empty.
I slump into one of the chairs beside the door and take some large gulps from my water bottle. When my pulse is back to normal, I head back to my apartment to take a shower and change into fresh clothes. I'm not hungry at all, but go down to the cafeteria anyway, since staying in my room is not an option: It reminds me too much of Tris' simulation.
As I enter the cafeteria I glance to the group of initiates sitting around a table on the left, but Tris is not among them. Instead, I spot Zeke and Shauna standing in the line for food, so I join them. I'm not fond of chatting to them right now, but they would see me anyway.
Zeke looks me up and down.
"You all right, Four? You look pissed."
"It's nothing."
"Yeah, right. I can see that."
"I'm fine."
"Your knuckles look like they've just had a date with a punching bag."
Zeke nods to my sore hands before he turns around to go over to a nearby table. I sigh and put a steak and some vegetables on my plate before I join him. Shauna must have noticed my bad mood, too. She has chosen to sit with Lauren and some other girls at another table.
Zeke and I start eating in silence. Eventually he breaks the quiet.
"You're going to tell me what happened?"
I think about what I can tell him without giving away too much, not wanting to lie to him either.
"I had to oversee the initiates' fear simulations all day."
"So what about them? This morning you were in such a good mood, like I've hardly seen you before, and now?"
"Some don't make enough progress with their simulations. Others still come up with new fears."
Although it doesn't come close to what's bothering me, it's not a lie. Zeke stiffens beside me.
"Uriah?" he asks.
Shit, I must have worried him.
"No, no, he's doing fine with the simulations. He's putting my hints to practice."
At least I haven't heard any different from Lauren so far. Zeke relaxes and continues eating his hamburger.
"Good," he mumbles.
We change the topic and Zeke tells me about his day in the control room. I'm thankful I don't have to talk anymore and when we've finished dinner, I stand up and say goodbye to him. There are too many people around in contrast to the loneliness I feel inside.
Once I'm back in my room, I grab a beer from the fridge and sit on the couch. Usually I don't drink when I'm alone, but today is different. I take a sip of the cool brew and set the bottle down on the small table beside the sofa as I think about the day. Now that the anger has gone, I just feel empty.
Zeke is right: This morning I woke up much happier than usual, and he must have noticed me trying to hide my grin every time I thought of kissing Tris. And I thought about that a lot today. Like the days before, only today it was a memory of something real instead of a fantasy. I felt lucky and cheerful, something I rarely do, until the stupid simulation ruined everything.
My thoughts drift back to the situation between Tris and 'me' in her hallucination, and I see the fear written all over her face again. And then realization hits me and I recognize myself in her: Probably I had the same anxious expression when we went through my fear landscape yesterday. I know how I feel when I see Marcus, threatening me with his belt, his snakelike eyes glinting. And Tris came to my help, saved me from him, whereas I reacted at her fear with anger and pushed her away. I was just so hurt by her looking at me the way I look at Marcus, so disgusted that she made me feel as if I was like him, that I have only been able to focus on me and not on her.
After all, I can't blame her for what she is afraid of. But it bothers me a lot that it's me. I don't want her to be afraid of me. I want her to think better of me, to know better than to fear I might make her do anything against her will.
Well, I scold myself, you haven't actually proven to be trustworthy today. You dismissed her when she was most vulnerable.
I remember how frightened I had been that she would turn away from me when I had debated in my head whether to take her with me into my fear landscape. But she didn't. On the contrary, we had been closer afterwards than ever before. And now I've shown her exactly the reaction I had been dreading from her.
Shit, what a mess. How can I mend this? I want us back the way we were yesterday. I want the nearness of her again, not only physically, but also inwardly. She's the only person I have ever voluntarily shown my fear landscape, the only person to know me and not turn away from me. More so, she embraced me the way I was, even when she knew that somewhere hidden inside my soul was a scared little boy, threatened and abused by his father.
I should go and talk to her. Will she be able to forgive me when I apologize? I hope she can. And I need her to explain her fear to me, need to know what she sees in me that leads to a simulation like this.
I take another swig of beer as I rise from the couch, ready to go. My eyes wander over to the clock in my kitchen. It's already half past eight. My heart sinks a little when I realize Tris didn't come to meet me, but I don't waver in my decision to find her and speak to her.
Right at this moment, I hear a knock on the door and I quickly stride over. I put my hand on the handle and take a deep breath before I open it. My heart sinks when I see who's outside.
"Eric. What are you doing here?" I ask.
"Nice to see you, too, Four. I hope I don't disturb your … evening activities," he smirks, obviously meaning the opposite of what he is saying. "There'll be a leadership meeting at nine and everybody involved in initiation is supposed to come, too."
"I don't know anything about a meeting," I reply.
"That's why I've come to tell you! Be there, initiate's training room."
"I will."
Eric nods and walks away. What the fuck was that about? Unplanned meetings are rare, even in Dauntless. But, given that I can't think of a decent excuse for not showing up, I'll probably have to go. Meeting privately with one of my initiates to discuss a fear simulation in which she's afraid of me asking her to undress is definitely ruled out.
As much as I hate it, I won't be able to meet Tris tonight.
Tris
I stand in the hallway in front of Tobias' apartment, unsure of what to do. I don't know if it was a good idea to come here, and I can't convince myself to knock on his door. Twenty minutes ago it seemed like the right thing to do, to go and visit him to talk things over. Plus I know he's at home, since he told me I should meet him at eight. Now it's almost half past. Why is it so hard to just knock on his door?
I spent all afternoon in my bed, telling the others I felt sick because maybe I had eaten something wrong for lunch. Given that I truly felt nauseous, it was easy to lie and convince them to leave me alone. I was relieved when everyone had finally set out for dinner and I had the dormitory to myself. Now it was no longer necessary to hide my face under the sheets so nobody would see the tears silently falling from my eyes every now and then. How could I feel so embarrassed and yet so angry at the same time?
The simulation had revealed something private to Tobias that I normally wouldn't have told him right away, all my insecurities about myself and the deepness of my Abnegation roots. He had seen that I didn't truly belong into Dauntless. I felt rather sure that I was the only initiate with a fear of getting intimate. On top, I was annoyed with myself for feeling that way. It was my own brain that brought up the issue in that metal chair. If this stupid anxiety wasn't somewhere in my head, Tobias would never have seen what he had and I could have explained my feelings to him in a way that I found appropriate.
On the other hand, it was still unfair of him to be angry with me when I was unable to hide my fears when injected with Dauntless serum. There was nothing I could do to willingly shape the setting of a simulation. All I could do was to decide how to react while I was in there, and since I wasn't allowed to trick the program, I'd just said what came to my mind and what I'd probably have said in reality, too.
Once I had sorted out what I wanted to tell him, I swung my legs out of bed, put on my shoes and went over to his apartment, carefully avoiding curious eyes.
And here I am, still pacing up and down in silence, re-thinking my words. Finally, when I stop right outside his door, my hand raised to knock, I hear footsteps coming closer. I don't know who it is, but I don't want to be caught around Tobias' apartment when everyone assumes I'm in my bed, sick. I swiftly turn and hide behind a pillar at the end of the hallway.
That was close. I hear someone approach the end of the hallway in confident steps. Whoever it is, he doesn't worry about being seen here.
There's a confident knock on the door and then I hear Tobias say warily, "Eric. What are you doing here?"
"Nice to see you, too, Four. I hope I don't disturb your … evening activities."
Does he know anything? Was he watching us through the cameras?
"There'll be a leadership meeting at nine and everybody involved in initiation is supposed to come, too."
"I don't know anything about a meeting."
"That's why I've come to tell you! Be there, initiate's training room."
"I will."
I can tell the conversation is over when I hear Eric stride away. In the few seconds before Tobias closes his door again I think about coming out of my hiding place, but the opportunity is gone when I hear the door snap close. Maybe it's better like this, for the timing isn't the best for the kind of conversation Tobias and I need to have. I wait several minutes behind the cold stone pillar until I hear Tobias leave his apartment and stroll in the opposite direction.
Once I'm sure he's gone far enough, so that I won't run into him, I sneak back through the hallways and tunnels to the dormitory. I slip inside the room and into my bed unnoticed. The others are still out, maybe having some drinks, since it's Friday night. But I still don't feel like having company.
DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.