Chapter 4

Tobias

I'm nervous. I don't like to admit it, but I am. I pace up and down my apartment, unable to rest. Everything is clean and tidy and I've tried to make it look comfortable. The coffee machine is gurgling monotonously on the kitchen counter and two pieces of chocolate cake are waiting to be eaten on the sofa table.

I'm relieved when I hear Tris knock on the door. Part of me was afraid she wouldn't show up. She has her hair down, which looks good on her.

"Hi. Come in," I gesture to the room with my left arm, and she steps inside.

Then we stand there, looking at each other, and I'm momentarily lost for words. How can I start this conversation? I'm not used to having visitors, especially not girls. I decide to say something before the silence becomes too awkward.

"I've brought us some cake and the coffee will be ready soon."

"That's nice."

"We can sit on the couch. It's more comfortable than the kitchen chairs."

"Sounds good."

I take two cups out of a kitchen cupboard and fill them with coffee, then carry them over to Tris. She has removed her shoes and is sitting cross-legged on my sofa. I like the sight of her in my apartment. I hand her one of the cups and sit down, my body turned towards her.

At least she looks comfortable, although it's obvious that she's nervous: She keeps brushing the same strand of hair out of her face again and again, and her cheeks are flushed. I smile inwardly. Still, I'm not sure where to begin. Probably it will be best if I stick to the truth, although it proves to be a difficult thing to do. For a second, an old saying flashes through my mind: Every Candor needs a pinch of Dauntless.

"Look, Tris, I'm sorry about my reaction yesterday. Your simulation took me by surprise. I didn't know you were afraid of me. It surprised me and, if I'm honest here, it hurt me. The way you looked at me made me feel as if I was like..."

I swallow. This is difficult. She doesn't interrupt me, just listens carefully.

"It made me feel as if I was like Marcus. And I sure as hell never want to be anything like him."

Now the words are out. Tris looks at me, surprised, and I'm not sure if she has noticed one of my own worst fears shine through the last sentence.

"That's what it was about?"

"What do you think that it was about?"

She averts her eyes.

"Well, I thought you were disappointed because you can't be with me the way you want to — if you want to."

Her voice is barely a whisper. I don't know how to answer.

When I remain silent, Tris continues, "Tobias, you'll never be like your father. From the very moment you decided to leave and put as much distance between the two of you as possible, from the moment you decided to go your own way, you have already become so different to him. You won't be like him if you don't want to be. How could you possibly be, after all that he's done to you? He's a coward, letting out his anger on a helpless child, and you're not. You're brave."

Her words are comforting and I wish I could believe them.

"Then why are you afraid of me?"

She takes a sip of coffee and her brows furrow. I can tell she's thinking about her next words.

"I'm not afraid of you, Tobias."

Now she looks up into my eyes again, and suddenly I can feel the connection between us returning.

"It's just that... You know what being raised in Abnegation means. I don't have any experience with boys. And it's something that makes me nervous: Being with you."

I can perfectly understand what she says about growing up in Abnegation. You learn to avoid touching anyone, that it is something reserved for family and marriage. I've spent two years in Dauntless now and it still makes me uneasy if someone touches me, even if it's just Zeke patting me on the back. I think my other friends have learned to respect that I don't want that, so it doesn't happen very often.

Still, Tris' explanation isn't enough to calm me.

"But you looked more than nervous, Tris. I saw the fear in your eyes."

"I know. I was afraid. But not so much of you."

I don't understand what she's trying to tell me. It's difficult for her to talk about this, I notice, as she struggles to find words. I force myself to wait patiently for her to go on.

Then her words come out in a rush.

"I was afraid to tell you I didn't want to... undress — or do more. I'm so inexperienced and I don't want to disappoint you and I'm anxious you don't want to see me anymore if I don't live up to your expectations and that you want more from me than I can give you at the moment, like I told you in the simulation. I'm sorry I made you feel the way you did. Consciously, I know you won't make me do anything I don't want to, but despite that, something inside me is still afraid of the consequences if I deny you what you want. Does this make sense to you at all?"

I need a moment to grip the meaning of her words. She must have assumed some things about me. I remind myself that I strive for honesty.

"First of all, I have to say I'm relieved to hear that you're not afraid of me as a person, cause that thought was really annoying. And then I think you've jumped to conclusions about me that aren't true. You know I grew up in Abnegation, like you. But, unlike you, I didn't have the luck to live in a loving family, and for years, the only physical touch I knew was my father's hands and his belt."

I swallow again, as if it could help to get rid of all the negative emotions that come up with the memories.

Tris reaches out for me and takes both of my hands in hers. She raises her eyebrows when she notices my sore knuckles, but thankfully doesn't say anything. Instead, she softly caresses them with her thumbs. This simple gesture feels comforting. I keep my eyes lowered on our hands.

"You are the first person I've ever spoken to about him, because I care about you. I want you to know me. You're also the first I want to touch," I lift my right hand and place it on the side of her face gently, "and the first I want to touch me."

She lays a hand on my chest, right over my rapidly beating heart.

"The first I want to kiss," I confess and slowly close the gap between us.

At the soft press of my lips on hers a shiver goes through me. This feels so right, me and her, together. I stroke her hair and her back, and she does the same with me. Our kisses become more intense. I can't resist letting my tongue lick her lips, and she pulls me closer. Her tongue starts to play with mine and warmth spreads inside me.

After a while Tris pulls away and I open my eyes again. She looks beautiful with her tousled hair and red cheeks. She's breathing fast.

"So you're sure you've never done this before?" she smiles up at me, teasing now.

"Not until two days ago," I assure her, returning her smile. "This is all new to me, too."

She blushes even more.

"Well, then you're a natural."

I'm surprised when she stands and pulls me up with her. She walks me over to my bed, sits down on the edge and pats the space beside her with her free hand. I sit next to her, nervous. She has slept in my bed before, but that was a completely different situation. Suddenly, I'm afraid myself. What does she want now? What shall I do? I don't want to frighten her. I glance at her questioningly.

She clears her throat, "Can we just lie here together for a while? I want to replace the memories of the simulation with better ones."

"And you're not afraid to be here?"

"No, I'm not." She pauses, then adds, "I'd tell you if I were."

"Can you promise me you will? Because I hate the thought of making you anxious."

She nods. "I promise."

Then we lay down, side by side on the sheets, and I put an arm around Tris as she cuddles closer to me and rests her head on my chest. I can't remember the last time I felt so excited and relaxed at the same time.

Tris

"I want you to know me. You're also the first I want to touch," Tobias says and covers my cheek with his hand, "and the first I want to touch me."

I take his words as an invitation and place my hand on his chest to feel his heartbeat. It's as quick as mine, racing. It's strange, ironic even, how the fast rhythm of his heart calms me: He's as nervous as I am.

"The first I want to kiss," he continues, and I can tell he's about to kiss me again. I shiver in anticipation.

His lips feel warm against mine. Suddenly his hands are tangled in my hair and run over my back and mine are on him. I let myself fall into the kiss, forgetting about the unfortunate simulation and our mutual anger. When Tobias brushes his tongue along my lips, I open my mouth to him to let him explore me. It's the first time we kiss like this and I'm amazed at the intensity of it.

I pull him closer to me, wanting him nearer. It's something my hands do on their own, without asking my brain for permission. He moans softly and the sound of it echoes through my body, which reacts to his closeness with unknown longing. We kiss like this for I don't know how long until I pull away to catch my breath.

I can't resist teasing him, "So you're sure you've never done this before?"

"Not until two days ago. This is all new to me, too."

"Well, then you're a natural."

I blush at the words that have just jumped out of my mouth. They were meant to be a thought, but my brain accidentally sent them to my mouth to say them out loud. I don't have anyone to compare him to, but the way my heartbeat speeds up and my insides seem to melt with every kiss is all the evidence I need.

To cover my embarrassment, I make a bold move and pull him up from the couch. I lead him to his bed, where I sit and motion him to sit beside me. My heart beats frantically. I don't plan on going any further with him than kissing, but in the back of my mind I think of my simulation. I don't want to be afraid of him in any way.

"Can we just lie here together for a while? I want to replace the memories of the simulation with better ones."

"And you're not afraid to be here?" he asks.

"No, I'm not." It's the truth. And I want, with all my strength, that he believes me. "I'd tell you if I were."

"Can you promise me you will? Because I hate the thought of making you anxious."

"I promise."

I may not have an aptitude for Candor, but I'll try the best I can to be honest with him.

Then Tobias lies down on the bed, and he looks comfortable again and less nervous. I lie beside him and move as close to his side as I can. His arm around me makes me feel safe and I place my head on his chest. His heartbeat is steady and a little slower now. He draws small invisible patterns on my shoulder and I close my eyes and relax and just enjoy being close to him.

We stay like this for a long time. The silence between us is comfortable, as there is no urge to say anything. I replay our conversation in my head and know that Tobias has given me more than just words.

I noticed how difficult it was for him to speak about his past and I wish I could take some pain away from him. His confession that I'm the first person he wants to touch him makes me feel honored and oddly proud. I'm also relieved that he's as inexperienced as I am regarding relationships. Secretly, I'm glad that he doesn't have anyone to compare me to. It's a selfish thought, but since I'm not Abnegation anymore, I don't care much.

"Tris? You're awake?" Tobias whispers.

I nod against his chest.

"Do you think you'll have that kind of simulation again?"

I take my time to think about his question, trying to answer it honestly.

"Yes, I think I will. I feel better now, much better, but my fear of... being with you — it's still there. And I don't believe it will go away that quickly."

My heart melts at his next question, barely audible, "And will I be in it again?"

"Yes, I assume."

How could it be anyone else when he's the only one interested in me this way?

"But I think I won't look at you the same way again, cause next time I'll be aware that I'm in a simulation."

"What do you mean? That you weren't aware of it yesterday?"

"No, not in the beginning. I realized it only after you asked me to undress."

"It wasn't me in there." He tenses. "It was just a projection of your fears."

He's right. My mistake.

"I'm sorry. I know it wasn't you."

"So how did you find out?" Tobias asks curiously.

"I saw your reflection in the mirror and I could only see the part of your tattoo that's on your neck, the part I already know. I suppose it doesn't end where your collar begins. That's what raised my suspicion."

"I see. You're smart."

He pecks my forehead gently, proudly. I argue with myself whether to ask him if I can see his tattoo, but decide to leave that for later. The thought of him shirtless makes me too nervous and I don't think I can handle that yet.

The afternoon passes by in no time. We lie on the sheets together, snuggling and kissing and talking. When it starts to turn dark outside, we get up. I have to go back to the dormitory or the others will start wondering where I am.

"We're going to the bar tonight. Maybe we could meet there," I say hopefully, not wanting to say goodbye to him until we can see each other again tomorrow.

"I don't know. Zeke and I are going to meet at his apartment for a beer. And we can't really date in a bar. Instructors are not allowed to have relationships with initiates."

"I know it's not allowed. I'm still too Abnegation to kiss you in public anyway. I was just hoping to see you again tonight, that's all."

"Maybe we can drop by for a drink, but I can't promise you. I usually don't hang out much in the bar."

"And what about tomorrow?"

"I'll have to help finish the initiate's apartments all day and then I must assign each of you a room and accompany you there. But after that, we could meet. Or I'll make you the last one on the list, so I can stay with you."

My heart leaps at the realization that it will be easier for us to meet secretly once I have my own space to live in instead of the dormitory, where everyone notices my absence.

"Yes, in that case I can wait for my turn to move."

"Good," he smiles happily.

We kiss one last time before I leave.

DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.