Chapter 5

Tobias

"Sorry, there must be something wrong with my ears. I just thought I heard you suggest going out."

"There's nothing wrong with your ears, Zeke."

"Well, maybe then something's wrong with you." Zeke's forefinger is pointing at my chest and his eyebrows are raised questioningly. "It's not that I don't want to go to the bar, I like the place. It's just that you never want to go there."

"But today I do."

"And why's that?" Zeke asks suspiciously.

"Because I want to do something different for a change."

"Okay, if that's what you want, we'll go. I'll take a shower. Give me a minute."

He's still skeptical, I can tell from the way he scrutinizes me.

I lay back on the couch after Zeke has disappeared into the bathroom and take a long sip from my bottle. The prospect of seeing Tris again tonight makes me smile, even if we can't be ourselves in public.

I'm relieved we've been able to clarify things between us. It was difficult for me to talk about my feelings because I've never learned to let them show. On the contrary, I've spent a lot of time in my life learning how to hide them, suppress them even. But I guess today was a start. It is as if the weight of my past on my shoulders has just gotten a little lighter, with Tris now helping me carry a part of it.

Nonetheless, it worries me that her simulation on Initiation day could give our secret away to the leaders and whoever else will be watching. Although in Dauntless relationships are allowed between members and initiates and everyone is casual about affection shown in public, the rule that prohibits any relation other than educative between instructors and initiates is rather strict. We can be secretive about us until initiation and maybe some days longer. But unless Tris doesn't get over her fear, or at least manages to diminish it, she runs the risk of publicizing what's going on between us. I didn't have the heart to tell her earlier when she confessed she'd probably have a similar simulation again, but I know I eventually have to.

Zeke brings me back into the moment by smacking my shoulder when he walks past me.

"Hey Four, I hope you still want to go. Shauna already went there with Lauren, and she told me she'd wear something sexy."

He winks at me significantly. I roll my eyes at him, although I think I gradually begin to understand him better.

"Yeah, let's go."

We head down to the pit. It's not far from Zeke's place. Instead of climbing one of the steep paths leading up along the stone walls, we cross the pit and enter a small pathway hidden in a corner. A small trail leads us downwards into the rock and around a corner to a flight of stairs. The music from the bar is already audible, along with chattering voices and laughter. The volume rises as we descend further.

When we reach the entrance, a rusty metal door hanging loosely on its hinges, and enter the cavern, we're immediately part of the crowd. The place is dimly lit and so packed with people it's impossible for me to spot Tris among them.

I follow Zeke through the sea of moving bodies over to the bar, remembering why I don't usually come here often: I don't like big crowds of people. It's not that it makes me anxious; I just don't fancy being touched andpushed aroundby strangers. I prefer hanging out in other places than this.

We manage to order drinks, or at least Zeke does, to be precise. He hands me a glass of I-don't know-what that tastes strongly of alcohol when I take a gulp after clinking glasses with him. Despite my two years of being Dauntless, I still haven't tried all the drinks they mix. Or maybe they just keep making up new ones.

I look around, trying to find Tris, but I can't make her out in the semi-darkness. Eventually, Zeke pulls me over to the side.

"I've found them," he shouts over the noise.

For a moment I feel caught doing something forbidden until I realize Zeke means Lauren, Shauna and some others of our own initiation class. Lauren shoots me a surprised look, but doesn't comment on my presence in the bar.

For a while we stand together, laughing, joking and drinking. By the time Shauna hands us the second round of drinks I feel much more relaxed to be here. It's actually nice and I start to enjoy the beat of the music. The band playing on the small stage in the right corner is performing quite well. I have seen them on several occasionsbefore, since there aren't many musicians in Dauntless. Usually learning an instrument is something for older members who can't fight well anymore or have injuries limiting their physical performance in training. That way, they can still make themselves useful.

Now and then I take a look over the crowd until I finally spot Tris. I can only see hear head in the packed cavern and her naked arms raised in the air. She's dancing with the other initiates, some of them Dauntless born.

She looks stunning. It's a pleasure to see her so relaxed and happy, her hair flying around her head as she moves to the rhythm of the song.

I realize I have never seen her like this before, and wish I could make her as happy as she seems to be in this very moment. I smile when Christina takes one of her hands and raises her arm for Tris to turn around under it. They're laughing at each other and I'm happy that Tris has found a friend in her.

"Man, who are you looking at?"

Zeke bumps his shoulder into mine.

"No one in particular. Just the initiates dancing. Your brother is among them, by the way," I try to sound casual.

"And watching your initiates getting drunk on the dance floor puts a smile on your face?" Zeke laughs.

"Well, maybe I should go and check that nobody gets too drunk."

That could be a good excuse to go over to them.

"But you do know it's Saturday night and you're out of duty, yeah? Come on, give them a break. You do remember what initiation was like, do you?"

"How could I forget?"

Those days, my fears kept haunting me every night. Although I only had, and have, four, it didn't mean it was altogether easier for me than it was for the others. Marcus' snakelike face in my fear simulations followed me everywhere back then.

"By the way, I know a certain instructor who got drunk himself, only a few days ago," Zeke teases me, smirking.

He's right. Everyone wants to be carefree sometimes, even I. I raise my glass to him, and we drink.

The evening goes by quickly and I enjoy the cheerful mood of the people. At some point, the alcohol has taken my discomfort with the cramped cavern away and I don't mind the narrowness anymore. I'm just enjoying the time with the people I've come to be friends with. As usual, I don't talk much myself, but relish listening in on their jokes and small talk. I keep glancing over at Tris dancing as often as I can without being suspicious. She has seen me, too. From time to time our eyes meet, and she smiles at me, stirring my insides with longing. I want so much to go over and close the distance between us.

If I could, I would just kiss her there in the middle of the dance floor for everyone to see. I've witnessed that kind of public affection so often by now and never really understood why people would do that. But now I think I get it. I want to show everyone that Tris and I belong together, want to tell the world that we're falling in love. I'm not sure if it's the alcohol clouding my senses, making me want to ignore my Abnegation upbringing, but I promise myself to kiss Tris in public once initiation is over, and we're free to be together.

Tris

I can't remember feeling so free in my whole life. I think I never have. It's the first time I'm in a bar, the first time I'm dancing in a sea of people with a group of friends, the first time I'm in love. The bass resonating in my stomach is enjoyable and it's surprisingly easy to move to the music. I blame it on the drinks Uriah has kept passing me all night and the reconciliation with Tobias earlier.

Tonight life seems easy, simple. I allow myself to let go of my anxieties as I shake my hips to the beat and clap my hands above my head, mimicking the other Dauntless' movements. They are used to dancing. To them it comes naturally, without being self-conscious about their bodies or other people's opinions.

My heart jumps as I recognize Tobias at the other end of the cavern. He has come! A big smile spreads across my face. At this moment I'm happy. Christina takes my hand and I spin around under her raised arm, laughing.

I can't say how long we stay on the dance floor, my sense of time got lost somewhere between my first and third drink, I guess.

It would be an understatement to say that I'm not used to alcohol since tonight is the first time I've ever had some. And I must admit that I like how it makes me feel lighter than I usually do. I'm even comfortable with my body, which is a totally new experience.

I peek over to Tobias occasionally and whenever our eyes meet, I feel warmth spread in my stomach. Astounded, I realize how much I want him to look at me, to watch me dance, to see how cheery I can be. I want him to see this side of me that I myself barely know. Where does that need suddenly come from?

This afternoon I was a little afraid to be alone with Tobias and explain my simulation to him, and now I want to tell him all about me, want him to know everything. How crazy, I think, as I carry on dancing.

When the band finishes their last song and some additional white lights are switched on, I notice how the cavern is spinning around me. Now that we don't dance anymore the ground seems to be swaying under my feet and I'm suddenly tired.

"Okay guys, party is over," Uriah announces, "let's go get some sleep."

He's still cheery and seems his usual self. Of course, he's familiar with parties and alcoholic drinks.

"Tris, you're okay?" he asks me, eyeing me with a knowing smile.

"Yeah. I guess. I'm just reeeeally tired."

"Then let's get you to the dorm."

He puts an arm around my waist to stabilize me. I'm still not used to being touched casually, but I'm too exhausted to protest. Christina walks on my other side, still laughing. Will is walking next to her, holding her hand.

We pass Tobias and his friends on our way out and I feel a pang of jealousy for what Christina and Will have. For them it's so easy, they can be together and hold hands and kiss whenever they like and don't have to worry about being caught. I wish I could have that with Tobias, too.

He addresses Uriah as we walk past him, "You'll take care of my initiates getting home safely?"

In my clouded mind I can't decide whether to find his question cute or overprotective.

"Don't worry, we won't get lost on the way to the dorms," Uriah rolls his eyes at Tobias.

Never before have I seen anyone dare roll his eyes at him. Maybe Uriah is not as sober as he seems. At least he's not intimidated by Tobias at all. It's rare.

The distance between the pit and the dorms must have grown during the last hours. I can't wait to rest in my bed and when my head finally hits the pillow, I fall asleep almost immediately. Or, at least, that's what I remember.

DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

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