Chapter 7

Tobias

We walk silently side by side and my urge to hold Tris' hand and pull her close is strong. I tell myself to wait another minute until we're alone, hoping she'll invite me in, because after the discovery I made in Eric's office I need her near me. I still debate whether I should tell her what I've seen, but I don't want to ruin the evening for her, for us.

It's a big step moving into an apartment to live on your own, and it should be a positive one. I still remember my first days in mine and how much I enjoyed having a place all to myself, where I could do or not do whatever I liked. During initiation, I had been craving for a little privacy because it had been so foreign for me to share a room, let even the showers, with other people. In Abnegation those things are considered private and nobody would ever share a bathroom at the same time.

We reach the apartment at last and I stop at the door and take out the key to unlock it. I hope Tris will like her new room.

"Welcome home," I say when I open the door and gesture her to go in before me.

She walks in slowly and takes a look around, taking in the details.

When she turns around to me she smiles widely, "Wow, that's much more than I expected. Everything looks great. And the view is absolutely stunning! Thank you."

She hugs me and I'm so, so glad that I can finally put my arms around her and inhale her scent. I've missed it all day, but only now do I realize how much. We stand there in the middle of the room for a while, breathing calmly, and I feel myself relax more and more.

"Do you want to sit down on my couch?" Tris eventually asks me with a smile. "Because now I've got one, too."

"Yes, very much," I reply, returning her smile as I walk over and sit down on the black sofa. It's not new, but it was the best one available for the initiate's rooms. I made sure to pick it for Tris.

"I'd offer you something to drink, but I'm afraid I'll have to go shopping first, I'm sorry."

"You'll find some basic supplies in the kitchen. Take a look."

I watch her go over and open the cupboards and drawers. It's not much, but I brought some food earlier for her. Tris takes a bottle of apple juice out of the fridge and pours some in two glasses, takes them over to me and hands me one before she sits down beside me.

"Here you are. There are no other drinks, unless you want to have milk."

I know.

"Thanks. I'm fine with juice. I don't fancy having a beer after last night anyway."

She's suddenly very interested in the floor, clearly embarrassed.

"Speaking of last night... I don't think I'll ever drink that much alcohol again. I spent half the day in bed, sleeping. Christina offered me some pills to ease the headache."

"Don't worry, it happens to all the transfers sooner or later. You have to find your limit first. Next time you'll go slower, I suppose."

"If there's a next time."

I recall having the same thoughts after my first hangover and smile at her knowingly.

"Maybe not too soon, but someday. You can't avoid drinks at Dauntless, especially not at parties."

"I was afraid you'd scold me for getting drunk," she admits.

"I thought about that, but then I figured your hangover would do that without my assistance. You're clever enough to draw your own conclusions."

I want to protect her, to keep her save, yet don't want to treat her like a child. Tris thinks about it shortly and nods.

"Come here," I say and put an arm around her as I pull her to my side.

She cuddles close to me and rests her head on my shoulder. I close my eyes and relax. I've craved her nearness all day. The silence between us is comfortable, as neither of us feels the need to talk. My mind goes blank as I concentrate only on Tris' steady breathing and the warmth radiating off her.

When I open my eyes again after some time, I find her glancing over at her bed. I chose a wide one for both of us to fit in comfortably if she ever asks me to stay the night. I hope she does one day. Then I picked dark blue sheets matching the color of the wall opposite it and also brought some extra cushions to make it cozier. Maybe it'll help with her nightmares. Sure she has them, although she hasn't told me. All the initiates have to deal with them during second stage.

I secretly observe her eyeing the bed. She's probably thinking about us moving there. I want to wait until she's ready to ask me, but then my patience isn't sufficient as I remember us lying in my bed together yesterday.

"You want to lie down?" I ask, giving her the chance to say she's tired and wants to sleep if she doesn't want me to join her.

Her hesitation hurts me a little, although rationally I know it's unfair. I just want her to trust me so badly, like I've never wanted anything before.

"Yes," she finally answers and leads me by taking my hand, like yesterday.

We lie on our sides facing each other, looking into each other's eyes, only now the silence is a little awkward. I don't know what she expects me to do. If I did what I wanted, I'd pull her close and kiss her. How can I know what's the right thing to do? She seems to think something over in her mind and I'd very much like to know what it is.

"Can I kiss you?" I ask, breaking the quiet and the tension.

She nods and I reach out to graze the side of her face with my fingertips before I lay my hand on the back of her head and close the distance between our lips. Our kiss is tentative at first, but slowly builds in intensity. Tris' hands wander over my back as she opens her mouth to allow my tongue in and I feel the effect she has on me in my groin. I must be careful to keep a little distance between those parts of our bodies.

We kiss for a long time until our lips part and we're both out of breath. When I open my eyes to look at Tris, I see the same expression she had earlier, as if she was still debating something in her mind.

I find out what it is when she bites her lip and quietly asks, "Can I see your tattoo?"

I must admit I'm surprised by her question, although it isn't completely unexpected.

"Are you asking me to undress?" I smirk at her.

I can't help it. The blush on her cheeks is lovely when she says, "Only... partially."

I sit up and quickly remove my sweatshirt. Her eyes are on me all the time and I can tell she's nervous. So am I. I take a deep breath and pull my shirt over my head, then toss it to the floor beside the bed. I swallow. By showing her my tattoo I reveal so much more about me than simple ink.

Slowly, I lie down on my stomach so Tris can take her time looking at it. I turn my head in her direction to see her face. She stares at my back with wide eyes and seems to be momentarily taken aback.

"Wow, it's huge. Can I touch it?" she asks.

"Of course," I answer her. Maybe it'll help her understand its meaning.

She shifts closer to me to kneel at my side. I shiver as her fingers graze the skin between my shoulder blades, the spot with the Dauntless symbol. Her fingertips are warm and gentle as they move down along my spine slowly, lingering over each circle. I shut my eyes to focus on the contact. She's only following the lines on my back, but her touch goes much deeper.

After reaching the last faction symbol, Tris starts tracing the flames that lick around the circles and over my back and sides. I know she's probably trying to put the pieces together both about the meaning of the tattoo and about the scars that it covers. I'm anxious about her reaction. Never before have I deliberately revealed my tattoo to anyone. It's a first and I ask myself if this is the same kind of fear she has when it comes to intimacy: Something you deeply want to share yet are scared of at the same time.

Finally, Tris breaks the silence and pulls me out of my thoughts, "Why do you have all the faction symbols?"

"It's how I think it should be. All the factions should stand together, like it was meant to be when they were first created. And all their different values should be acknowledged and respected."

I see her nod. She hesitates to ask another question. I'm sure I already know which. I sit up and turn halfway to be able to look straight into her eyes. Here I go. My biggest secret. I swallow again. It feels as if the words want to stay inside me and I have to push them hard to get them out.

"I want to be brave and selfless and honest and smart and kind. It's not enough to be one of those. Not for you — and not for me, either."

Seconds pass by in silence and I can see her eyes widen a bit when the truth behind my words sinks in. She nods and then her serious expression turns into a small chuckle.

"You know you have to work on kindness, do you?"

I laugh at her comment and it eases the tension that has built up inside me.

"I know. Believe me, I'm trying. I can be nice. I will be, for you."

I'm back to serious again at my last words, cupping her face with both my hands. But Tris stops me from kissing her.

"There's something else I want to know. The scars on your back... they're not from your time in Dauntless, are they?"

"No."

"But from your time in Abnegation."

I nod.

Tris pulls me near and her arms wrap around me. She holds me as tight as she can. It's comforting. I like that she doesn't feel the need to talk and that she doesn't push for further explanations. Her hands stroke my back as if there were no scars, no evidence of my dark childhood.

Maybe it's just something I imagine, but when she kisses me after a while, it's more passionately than before and the invisible connection between us has clearly deepened. Will it always be like this after sharing a secret? It means the world to me that she still wants to be with me, that she accepts me the way I am and doesn't think of me as weak because of my past. There's more truth in our kiss now that she knows my deepest secret, knows who I truly am, knows that we have more in common than Abnegation origins.

We spend a long time on Tris' bed, kissing, talking and finally dozing off. When I notice Tris has really fallen asleep, I carefully pull out my arm from under her neck and place her head softly on the pillow instead. We're lying on her blanket, so I retrieve the spare one from her cupboard where I put it earlier, just in case...

I unfold it and place it gently over her body, kiss her temple lightly and then stand beside the bed. I've never seen her asleep before and I find I could watch her all night. Her features are relaxed and peaceful, and she looks younger, but in a good way; untouched by harm and fears. I know the impression isn't true, but I allow myself to imagine it was for a while.

This is the moment I realize just how deep in love I already am with Tris Prior.

DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.