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Time for some truths to be revealed... Let me know what you think.

Chapter 14

Tris

Christina and I have been doing small talk for a short while now, but she doesn't seem into it. There's more to her visit, I'm sure. I'm already trying to figure out what to tell her when she questions me again about this morning. I can't tell her the truth, but I can't really lie to her either.

"So Tris, if there's a problem you can tell me."

"What do you mean? What kind of problem?"

"I know there's something going on between you and Four."

Wham. Her words take me by surprise. How does she know? How did she find out? A million thoughts cross my mind, but I'm unable to grasp even one because they pass by in a blur. I must look shocked, I realize, when Christina lays her hand on mine gently.

"Please tell me about it. I'm worried about you."

"Worried?" I ask, astounded. Of all emotions she could pick, she chooses worried?

"Well, I've narrowed it down to two possibilities: Either he's pushing you to do things you don't want to by threatening to gossip about your special fear and who's the boy in it, or he's the one you have a crush on and can't speak about it."

Wow. She must have spent some time thinking about that.

"How did you get the idea that there's something going on between us?"

I need more time to get my thoughts straight, and I'm also curious.

"The sweatshirt that hung in your bathroom this morning: Four was wearing it during training this afternoon. It was the same, I saw the stains on it."

Oh, that's how she found out? I don't know how to talk myself out of this. What would Tobias want me to do? I sigh and decide to go with the truth. Christina has been trustworthy so far, and she already knows too much to believe any made-up explanation. Plus, I don't like that she wonders about Tobias blackmailing me in any way. I don't know how she jumps to that conclusion.

"Okay, I'll tell you. But you have to swear to keep it to yourself. You'd put us in danger if you told anyone."

"I promise," she says solemnly, sitting up straight, eagerly waiting for me to spill the beans.

"First of all, you're right about the sweatshirt. He gave it to me yesterday when I was cold, and I gave it back to him this morning. He's the one I told you about. The one whose name I couldn't tell you because, being instructor and initiate, we're not allowed to have a relationship. We'd both end up factionless if leadership found out about us."

"Wait, wait, let me get this straight: When you say relationship, does it mean you're actually together?"

Christina's eyes are wide and I could almost laugh about it if the situation wasn't that serious.

"Yes. We're together. We have been for a week now."

The words, spoken out loud, still sound foreign to me, yet good, satisfying.

"I can't believe it! Really? Tris! How can you be alone with him? He's so intimidating. I mean, I usually don't dare to speak much around him, and that's something."

Now I can't suppress the smile crawling over my face.

"He's not always that serious and cool. He has many different sides of his personality. I know he's not exactly known as kind, but he tries to be. At least around me. But I have to admit that I still find him intimidating sometimes, too."

"Only sometimes? How do you do that? I don't think I could manage a normal conversation with him."

"Actually, it's not the conversation part that still intimidates me," I say, feeling my cheeks go red. When will that stupid reaction stop betraying me?

"Are we talking about your fear of touching now?"

"Yes. He's in my simulations. It's not that he's ever done anything that I didn't want, and he doesn't push for sex. He promised me he could wait until I was ready for it and I believe him, finally." I realize I really do just at this moment. And I don't want Christina to get a wrong impression of what he's like. "I hope at least that part of my fear is gone now. The other part is about me. I feel so self-conscious about my body. I mean, look at me! I have the body of a girl, not a woman. And I'm afraid he won't like what he sees when I undress. What if he realizes I'm not his type, and he wants a girl with more curves?"

Now that I've spoken my fears out loud they already seem to become somewhat smaller.

"Honestly, Tris?" Christina shakes her head and rolls her eyes at me, but amicably, indicating she can't see why there would be any reason for me to be afraid of that. "What do you think he expects to find underneath your clothes? You're wearing skintight pants and tops all the time. I think he can assess the shape of your body pretty well even through your clothes. If he wanted more curves, he could easily find them at some other girl right from the outset."

I never looked at it this way, but there's something obvious in Christina's explanation. Sometimes she surprises me by knowing the words I need to hear. Maybe I should confide in her more often.

"You really shouldn't worry about that. What you have to know about boys is that they worry a lot less about their body than we do, and I try to copy their attitude. There are things you can't change about your looks, and why would you anyway? For someone to like you more? What is a boy worth if he gets rid of you because he doesn't like one of your body parts?"

I have to laugh at the way she phrases it. I know she's right, although I find it difficult to adopt that attitude for real.

Then I have to tell her about Tobias and me becoming what we are, and she bombards me with questions, some of which I avoid answering. I leave out the details about Tobias' name and Abnegation background as well as my visit to his fear landscape, and I don't mention anything about Divergence. I don't feel comfortable to trust anyone with that. I also don't speak about our excursion last night. Our suspicions are something I'd rather keep to us, at least for the moment.

Tobias

I stroll through the hallways towards Zeke's place in a hurry. It's already later than the time we actually decided to meet at. The hormones are still racing through my blood, and I have to distract my mind from the way Tris moved her body against mine and dug her fingernails into my skin. I appreciate her growing trust in me and how she lets go of her control a little more every time we are together. Probably, she didn't even notice how strongly she grabbed my shoulder.

I shake my head to regain my focus on the upcoming conversation with Zeke when I stand in front of his and Shauna's apartment and wait for him to let me in.

"Ah, there you are. I've been waiting for you. I hope you don't mind I started my beer already?" he greets me and hands me a bottle.

"Sorry I'm late, I got distracted," I mumble, trying to sound casual.

"Yeah, I can see that," Zeke chuckles and clinks his bottle with mine on our way to his couch.

I don't know what exactly he's referring to, but I think it's probably better to change the topic right away.

"So what is it you wanted to talk to me about?" I ask.

"Getting straight to the point, as usual, aren't you? Well, it's pretty serious, I guess. When I was in the control room the other night, I saw something suspicious on the monitors. Jeanine Matthews came over with a couple of Erudite at her side, and she met with Eric and Max in an empty hallway. It's one hardly anyone ever uses because it leads to a door that's usually locked. The leaders were talking while the others brought in several boxes and stacked them against the wall. Unfortunately there was no microphone around, so I wasn't able to listen in on their conversation. But they seemed rather close to each other, and it looked as if they spoke silently so that the men accompanying Jeanine couldn't listen. I had the impression they talked about something conspiratorial, although I don't know what it could be, of course. Before the Erudite left, Max opened one of the boxes to check on the contents, and I took a screenshot that moment. Wait, I can show you. Maybe you have an idea what's inside."

My heart is hammering against my ribs as I watch Zeke stand and rummage in his closet. He takes out the piece of wood at the bottom and retrieves two pictures from under it. I inwardly have to give him credit for this hiding place. It's a good one.

I look closely at the pictures, trying to discern what they show. They are both blurred and out of focus. Despite that, I recognize the three people standing closely together, their gestures indicating that they're talking animatedly in the first print-out. The second picture shows a dark box whose lid is slightly open, but the angle makes it difficult to make out what's inside. I narrow my eyes and try to think what the shadows in the box remind me of. I know those shapes from somewhere... And then it hits me, and the pieces of information Zeke has given me and those which Tris' and I have found all fit together and start to form an image.

"Those are syringes. Like the ones we use to administer the serum to trigger fear simulations," I hear myself say.

"Let me see," Zeke utters, bowing his head over the picture. "What do you think they're up to?"

"I'm not sure yet, but I agree with you that they're planning something. Zeke, I have some things to tell you, too," I begin and then start to fill him in on my observations.

Now that he has trusted me with his information, I feel safe enough to share mine. I'm sure now he won't accuse me to be a traitor in front of other Dauntless. Although I have known Zeke to be goodhearted and the closest to a friend I have here, I haven't been able to trust him entirely, having learned from life that people aren't always what they seem from the outside.

But now the discomfort is diminished and the words burst out of my mouth rapidly and with little hesitation. Zeke can only sit there and listen, open-mouthed and with his eyes wide open. I tell him everything, except the fact that some conclusions were originally drawn by Tris. I want to leave her out of this for now for her safety. Otherwise, I would have to explain why I took her with me on the train.

When I mention the email I found in Eric's office, Zeke exclaims, "Divergent!"

I flinch. Is he accusing me now? No, that's impossible, is it? Uriah is Divergent, too.

"Don't look so shocked," Zeke adds. " The 'D' in that email. I think it means Divergent."

Why didn't I come up with the idea? All the time I've been asking myself who could be meant with the letter, or if it was referring to Dauntless as a faction. I'm immediately convinced of Zeke's conclusion. It makes perfect sense: Jeanine hates the Divergent and has been hunting them down for a while now. A memory of Amar crosses my mind. And Eric and Max are striving for more power and obviously see their opportunity in collaboration with Erudite.

Zeke and I spend the evening discussing different possibilities of what their secret agenda might be until my head is spinning from all the input. I empty my third bottle of beer with a last sip and stand.

"It's my turn at the control room tomorrow night. If you can come over we could continue our conversation," I suggest.

"Yeah, sure. Perhaps I can swap my afternoon shift, so I can work together with you. That way I'd also have time to talk to Uriah before I get there. You don't mind me telling him about that Erudite-Dauntless-conspiracy, do you? Of all people, he should know. It concerns his safety, and he should know that he needs to take extra-care to not draw attention to himself during fear simulations."

It makes me uneasy to have more people involved, but I understand Zeke's situation.

"Alright, tell him. But make it clear that it's strictly classified information."

"I will."

We make our way over to the door. The moment my hand grabs the handle, Zeke interrupts me.

"Wait!"

I turn around, astounded to find him grinning widely at me now, despite the tough conversation we've just had.

"Do you really want to leave without telling me about the girl you're seeing?"

Suddenly I hear the blood rushing in my ears, and my heart picks up a rapid pace. How on earth can he know about Tris and me? Has he seen anything on the monitors that he shouldn't have?

Zeke seems to be enjoying my momentary speechlessness as he patiently waits for me to regain my ability to speak.

"What makes you think I'm seeing a girl?" I finally ask, trying, but gloriously failing, to sound nonchalant.

"When you came here earlier, you were late and looked all flushed and happy, something I've rarely seen on you. Plus, your hair looked like the definition of bed-hair, and you're wearing your T-shirt inside out, that's why. And unless you have picked one of the fruity-scented soaps from the store for a change, I assume you have at least hugged a girl." Zeke's smile has been growing during his little speech, and he looks self-content when he adds with a chuckle, "And right now, your face speaks volumes."

I want to be angry with him because he really isn't supposed to know, but how can I? I should be angry with me for having been too carefree.

"You shouldn't know about that," I shoot at him rather bluntly.

"Hey, but I do know. Why do you keep it a secret?"

"Because I don't want everyone to know."

"I'm not everyone. It's me, Zeke. Your friend."

I don't miss the hint of hurt in his voice and I'm instantly sorry for not being allowed to tell him. It's annoying.

"You are. But I can't tell you. I have to keep it a secret. So better don't ask me again until I'm ready to share it."

"Wow, wow, are you trying to intimidate me now? You know, maybe this Four-the-harsh-instructor-behavior is working on your initiates, but not on me. Not anymore, actually."

He takes a break and I swear I can see the wheels turn behind his eyes.

"Wait, that's why you keep it a secret? Because you have something going on with an initiate? Who is it?"

Damn it. Either I have to work on my poker face, or Zeke really has come to know me quite better than I expected.

"Please, Zeke. I can't tell you," I plead, trying to wriggle my way out of his interrogation the nice way.

"Because I'm right, am I not? You could just say yes. It's the same as if you just say nothing. The fact that you don't deny it is as good as a confirmation."

He is right and we both know it. I'm not good at lying, and I guess that I've already trusted Zeke with a lot of information tonight, so I decide to be as honest with him as I can be and nod.

"You're right, in everything you've said. But I need you to keep that to yourself. If word spread around the compound, we'd both be in danger of becoming factionless. And although I could live with that, I don't want it for her. She means a lot to me."

"I understand what you mean about keeping it a secret. It's the same way I feel about Uriah. Just so you know, I trusted you about my brother and you never betrayed that trust, so be sure I won't tell anyone."

I do my best to believe him and it's hard not to, given that I've hardly ever seen Zeke so serious. Still, trust is not something I'm used to giving easily.

"Thank you," I reply, afraid that he'll pick up the question about who my girl is again if I stay any longer.

Zeke opens his mouth as if to add something, but then he just pulls me into a quick hug, patting me on the shoulder, and I leave after saying goodbye.

I'm nearly home when I start fumbling in my pockets for the key to my apartment and find myself with actually two different ones. I'd almost forgotten about Tris' key. It's pretty late by now, and I ask myself if I should go over to her again. Heat creeps up inside me remembering my visit to her this evening. Although it has been a short one, it was very intense. The memory of Tris lying on top of me, skin on skin, and moving against me in the search of friction makes the blood go down to my groin again. She's making me crazy.

I shake my head, inwardly smiling about my body's involuntary reaction. I told her I could wait, and I'm completely fine with doing so. I don't want to rush things with her and I don't want to go faster than she wants, not only to help her overcome her fear, but also out of respect for her.

Actually I don't feel ready to have sex with her yet either. Sex has always been a mystery to me: How can two people make themselves so vulnerable by sharing something so intimate with another person? How can they still feel comfortable with each other after it?

I always thought I wouldn't be able to experience that, ever, but now things have changed. Now I'm with Tris, and she's woken my desire and some kind of curiosity that comes along with it. And although the thought of actually having sex with her still feels unreal and strangely forbidden, I think I wouldn't stop her if she took the initiative in undressing me or herself further.

I find myself standing in front of her apartment once again and after silently unlocking the door I enter the darkness hiding behind it. I have to wait a minute until my eyes are adjusted to the lack of lighting. Only then do I slip out of my shoes and quietly tip-toe over to her bed. I spend a while standing at her side, watching her sleep. She looks so peaceful and young and her breathing is steady. She's resting on her side, her hair lying around her head wildly, as if she'd been tossing around for a while before falling asleep.

A yawn reminds me that I should get some sleep, too. I stroll around the bed to the other side, realizing I didn't bring any clothes to sleep in. Usually I wear only my boxers at night, but I'm not sure how Tris would feel about that. That's why I decide to take off only my shirt, since that's how far we've already gone together. I creep under the blanket, careful not to wake her up, and lie on my back. Somehow it doesn't feel right to me. There's too much distance between us.

I turn onto my side and slowly move closer to Tris until I'm spooning her from behind. I love the way our bodies fit together and I put an arm around her and kiss the back of her head gently.

"Tobias?" she mumbles sleepily.

Shit, now I've woken her up.

"Yes, it's me. I didn't mean to wake you."

"Good night," she murmurs, cuddling her back closer to me and placing a hand on mine.

I deeply inhale the scent of her hair and then I concentrate on the rhythm of her breathing until I fall asleep.

DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.