Chapter 15: Thursday, 9 days until initiation

Tris

I wake up with Tobias' arm wrapped around my waist and his warm body behind me. I don't dare to move because I'm afraid I might wake him up. And I don't have the urge to do so, I could just stay like this forever, listening to his consistent breathing, smooth and silent. I hope we'll spend another night sleeping next to each other. I feel so secure when he's with me, protected from all possible harm by his tender embrace.

When Tobias wakes up, he kisses my neck. "Morning," he mumbles against my skin and his voice sounds hoarse.

"Morning," I say and turn around to face him.

He looks gorgeous with his messy hair and sleepy eyes. Next, my eyes travel over his naked chest. I'm still flashed by the sight of him every time I see him shirtless. He notices my gaze and chuckles, "It's not very polite to stare at someone like this."

"I'm sorry," I mumble, immediately focusing back on his eyes, and smile at him nervously. I know he's just joking around with me, but I still feel caught doing something I shouldn't.

"I like it when you blush," he whispers and kisses my cheeks one after the other, "and I like waking up next to you. It's been a while since I've slept so calmly. I hope it's okay that I sneaked in last night."

"I wouldn't have given you the key if I hadn't wanted you to."

I get up to brew us some coffee and prepare two sandwiches while he watches me working in the kitchen. Usually I wear shorts during the night, but yesterday I chose long sweatpants, knowing that I'd eventually share my bed with Tobias. Every time I look up, his eyes are on me and we share a smile. It's definitely something new to have a man in my bed in the morning, and my heart flutters at the sight of Tobias lying there on his side, his head propped on his hand, the blanket covering him up to his bellybutton. I know he's slept in his pants, but from this point of view he could also be naked underneath the blue fabric.

I shake my head when I realize where my thoughts are going and I hear him laugh, "I'd give anything to know what crossed your mind these last seconds."

I love the sound of it. I wish we had more to laugh about, so I could hear it more often.

"I consider my thoughts to be free outside the simulations," I reply, unable to hide a grin, while I pour the coffee in two cups and carry them over to the nightstand, then go another time to fetch the sandwiches. He's clever enough to draw his own conclusions.

We both sit next to each other, our backs against the cushions, the blanket over our legs. We eat breakfast in a comfortable silence, both of us following our thoughts.

I try to come up with an idea how to tell him that Christina knows about us. Although she was the one who started the topic and suggested there was something going on between Tobias and me, guilt is nagging at me for confirming it to her. I'm sure Tobias won't like it and I'm afraid he'll get angry at me again. I wonder if there's any way of telling him without starting a fight. I don't want to ruin neither this morning nor the day. Everything is so good between us right now.

Time is running and Tobias has to leave to take a shower and change before the simulations begin. The moment to tell him about Christina is gone before I have made up my mind.

The cool water in my shower rinses off at least part of my worries before I have to go down for today's simulation, but I decide that I have to pluck up courage to talk to Tobias about it tonight if I don't want the matter to stand between us.

XXX

"I have to tell you something," I begin after closing Tobias' apartment door behind me after returning from dinner.

"Later," he says, "I've missed you all day." He takes me by the hand and leads me straight over to his bed where he lays down and pulls me down next to him. "I want to continue where we stopped yesterday," I hear him whisper into my ear as his hands wander under my top.

"But we have to talk first. It's important," I try to protest, but his teeth nibbling on my earlobe and his hands on my skin are too distracting to keep track of my thoughts.

"Later," he repeats before he takes off my top. His shirt follows straight, and then our lips press together and I get lost in our kiss, my hands roaming over his chest hungrily.

"I want you so much," he whispers between kisses, and his words make me shiver.

I finally believe him when he says this, finally believe that he truly desires me. But it also makes the fear return into my consciousness. What if I can't give him what he wants? I know he said we could wait and I'm convinced he meant it, but I still wonder if there's an amount of patience that can get used up.

"I'm not ready yet," I remind him when his hands nestle with the clasp of my bra.

"I know. But please, just let me remove this little piece of fabric," he pleads.

Oh no.

He's pleading. He doesn't stop when I tell him to. This means I must be in a simulation again. How embarrassing this is! I know he's watching this scene on his monitor and inwardly curse at myself: Why on earth am I not aware from the beginning during those simulations with him? It would make it at least easier to bring the situation under control and end it fast. How am I supposed to handle this particular sim during exams? I sigh and push him away from me with both hands.

"Stop it. This isn't you. The real Tobias stops when I ask him to."

The instant the words have left my lips, I realize I haven't reacted like a Dauntless. I've just revealed my awareness of the simulation.

Also, it isn't over yet. Tobias looks at me, regret on his face.

"Sorry," he says, "I didn't want to push too hard. But you have to consider the upcoming exam. You'll have to get over your fear until then, or all the leaders will know that we're together."

Wham. His words hit me, hard. I've already had that thought myself, and now I hear it from him, too — or the simulation that represents him.

"That's what I was thinking, too," I hear a voice speak out of the corner of his room.

We both turn and see Christina watching us. No, no, no, this is getting worse. I have to end this simulation, now.

"It's still my decision whether and when I want to have sex or not," I shout out loud, suddenly feeling sick.

That finally puts a stop to it. In the blink of an eye I'm back in reality. Tobias stares at me with his lips pressed together. By that and by his rigid body I can tell he's angry. I brace myself for the accusations that surely are about to come out of his mouth.

"What is Christina doing in your simulation?"

His voice is cold and full of suppressed irritation. I'm not in the mood for explanations right now, annoyed that he has the one-sided advantage of being able to take a glimpse inside my mind every day.

"You're smart. I'm sure you can figure it out."

"You told her about us! Why are you becoming so careless? She could betray us by telling the wrong people!"

"I know she could, but she won't. I have her word."

He pinches his nose, like he often does when he needs to calm down. I wonder if he's even aware of that habit.

"You know, I didn't tell her on purpose," I explain. "She figured it out pretty much on her own. In the end, I just confirmed it to her because I'm a terrible liar, and she always detects my lies."

"You could at least have tried. The more people know about us, the more we are in danger of discovery."

"Don't you think I know that?"

"Maybe you need to be reminded!"

"No, thanks. Everything here reminds me of the danger I'm in. Ever since I transferred here I seem to be in constant danger anyway, no matter what I do or don't do."

We stare at each other, neither of us wanting to give in.

"Even now someone could be watching us fight, so I'd better leave now to not increase the danger we're already in," I shoot out sarcastically.

"That's probably a good idea." Tobias flexes his jaw. I know the discussion isn't over yet. It's only postponed. "And just so you know, I'm working the night shift tonight with Zeke."

"Fine," I slap back at him and leave.

Tobias

I sit down in the metal chair after Tris has left, needing a moment alone before I call in the next initiate. I close my eyes and focus on my breathing. Concentrating on the air filling and leaving my lungs, on that constant rhythm, helps me to relax a bit. Soon enough, most of my immediate anger with Tris is gone.

Instead, I get mad at myself. It was unfair to throw those words at Tris when I have as good as told Zeke about us, too. Despite that, I haven't given him her name, but, being clever and a keener observant than I have given him credit for, I suppose he'll eventually figure that part out as well. There are not many female initiates left in Dauntless.

I straighten up and get ready for Uriah, whose turn it is next with the simulation. I have to keep working, or I'll draw attention to myself. I want to continue anyway, so I can go and talk to Tris once I've finished watching the sims.

XXX

I try to find Tris all day, but without success. She's not around during lunch, and when I knock at her door on my way back to my apartment, she's not at home either. Or, a voice in the back of my head whispers, she doesn't want to open the door and see me. So after taking a break in my apartment, I head down to the training rooms for a workout, again knocking at Tris' door on the way, but it remains shut.

To make my day even worse, I run into Eric in the pit. We don't talk much, he just asks me to hand in my weekly reports on the initiates' progress on Saturday at his office. As if I needed to be reminded of that duty. It's just his way of demonstrating his powerful position to me, like a reminder of where I stand in Dauntless: Beneath him.

Now I have an additional reason for a hard training session. It'll help me.

I have to walk past several training rooms to get to the small one at the end of the hallway, the one hardly anyone ever uses because of its small size, the rather old equipment and the bad lighting in it. I often use it when I want to exercise alone, without company or interruptions.

The other rooms are almost all occupied. Lots of Dauntless use the afternoon for a training session. From one room I hear Lauren's voice shouting commands, and I spot some initiates on the floor, doing sit-ups. I remember she spoke about giving extra training for the initiates who wanted to practice voluntarily and I spot Tris and Christina among them, although they don't notice me. I wonder if Tris has talked to her friend about our fight and the reasons behind it.

At least I know where she is. I stroll over to 'my' training room and start to warm up. Then I move on to work on the machines and I push myself hard today, adjusting additional weights and forcing my muscles to work extra-hard. With every drop of sweat I lose not only water, but also a part of the negative emotions. They leave through my pores and drop to the floor or evaporate into thin air.

I know I'm punishing myself for my stupid reaction this morning, one I didn't want to show again to Tris after our fight about her first simulation of this particular fear. Apart from that, I'm still fighting against all the fears I have myself, about Tris and me being discovered to be a couple, about our Divergence becoming public, about those strange and threatening plans of our leaders and Jeanine.

In the end I feel exhausted and tired, my thoughts pleasantly silent for once. I gather my stuff and make my way home to take a shower.

When I turn into the hallway to our apartments, I run into Christina. She looks at me like she never has before. Usually, she doesn't look me straight in the eye, or at least she doesn't hold my gaze for long.

This time it's different. While she normally acts intimidated by me, like most initiates and even some members do, now she's working up enough courage to talk to me.

"Hi Four. I'm coming from Tris. She was pretty upset by what happened this morning. You should go and talk to her later." Then she adds, probably remembering that I'm still her instructor, "I mean it would be a good idea to talk to her later."

"I know. I already tried to earlier, but she wasn't home."

It's a strange situation. I'm not sure how much Christina definitely knows about me and Tris. The silence between us stretches and starts becoming awkward.

"And just so you know, I'm not going to tell anyone about you."

Christina can be straight to the point, too, like me.

"Thank you. It's important."

She nods and begins to walk away when I turn and say in a low voice, "Christina, wait. I also want to thank you for being there for Tris. Not just today, but all her time in Dauntless. She's lucky to have a friend like you."

She looks at me dumbfounded, as if she can't believe I've said this. I can't blame her, I don't believe it myself. This whole idea about trying to be kinder finally seems to rub off on my behavior.

"Tris is right. You actually can be nice."

And with that, Christina walks away. I stand rooted to the spot until her steps are out of earshot, then turn to look at Tris' door. I long to see her, but I should take a shower first, I'm all sweaty.

The cool water running over my heated body is refreshing and washes away the last remnants of today's resentment. Now that I'm back to a clear mind, I come to think of the other parts of Tris' simulation. She's still afraid, although we have shared so many intimate moments since the last one.

In her simulations we always go only as far as we've already gone in reality. Now that I think about it, this has to be not only because we both respect her boundaries in real life, but also because we tend to skillfully balance on this delicate line between what she wants and doesn't want, defining and redefining it every time we meet.

Apart from that, Tris has jumped to the same conclusion as I have about trying to overcome her fear before initiation. And although I'm not pushing her, time does. This factor is out of my hands.

When I knock at her apartment fifteen minutes later, she doesn't open.

"Tris?"

No answer. I remember that I still have her key. I go back to my apartment to retrieve it and then, after knocking twice again, I use it. Her room is indeed empty. I take a look around and see how Tris has put everything into place before she left. I find a small writing pat and scribble down a note:

Dear Tris,
I'm very sorry about my reaction this morning. I didn't get to talk to you again today, but I hope you'll give me the chance to apologize personally soon.
I came in here with your key and I'm leaving you mine now, so you can always come over, whenever you want.
Tobias

DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

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