Hi everyone,

before getting to the new chapter I have to tell you that I will be going on a longer trip after posting this chapter and spend some weeks abroad. I won't always have connection to the Internet and don't know if I'll spend much time writing. I'll try, but I can't promise and it's always difficult for me to write on my phone instead of a computer. I don't know why, the words just come flowing easier when typing on a real keyboard (sounds weird, I know, LoL). But I've written and edited four chapters ahead, so there will at least be updates about every two weeks during October and November, or maybe more if I get to work on it. I hope you'll stick around and keep reading this story despite the less frequent updates! I'll keep my promise that this won't be left unfinished.

So, now about this chapter: It's a little different from the others and has both Tris' and Tobias' pov's. Unfortunately, ffn leaves very few options for the layout, so I had to change the original one for this site. There are lines indicating the change of pov and I put Tobias' pov in italics. Still, it's not how I first planned it to look like. If you want to read with my preferred layout, check out this story on ao3, too.

I listened to "Any other name" by Thomas Newman while writing this, to me it supports the mood well with its simple tune. You can find it on youtube, if you like.

Okay, now I'll let you read the chapter... finally... ;-)

I'm still always happy about your reviews, favorites and follows!

DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

Chapter 26

Tris & Tobias

Tobias is quiet on our way home, but it's not just that. We never talk much out in the open. No, in addition to that, he's also distant.

If it has just been a suspicion while we were walking along the hallways, it becomes a fact when we reach his apartment. He kicks off his shoes and wordlessly walks over to the bed where he sits down and buries his head in his hands with his elbows on his knees. He looks drained, vulnerable in a whole different way than I've already seen him in this bed.

I don't know what it is that is bothering him, but if he wanted to let me know, he'd already said something, I suppose. Or maybe he's still making up his mind. I hope it doesn't have to do with me. I'm not sure what I should do, stay or leave?

But since he doesn't say anything against my presence in his apartment, I untie my shoes and hang my jacket on the hook. I go to the kitchen, fill two glasses with juice and take them over to him, setting them down on the nightstand as I sit beside him.

"Tobias," I whisper.

"Tris, I can't..." tell you.

I wish I could.

But I can't.

His continuous silence frightens me. What has happened to him today?

I lay an arm around him and rest my head on his shoulder, deciding not to push him. He always respects my boundaries when it comes to physical affection and now he apparently needs me to respect his when it comes to emotional confidence.

I tell myself to be patient, that he's going to open up to me when he's ready, that he won't keep me in the dark for long, that all he needs right now is time and the reassurance of my closeness.

We sit like statues, neither of us moves an inch until I start stroking his back with my hand after a while, just to test if I'm still able to move. And then I swallow as I feel his body start to shake softly under my hand.

A tear falls from my eye and rolls down my cheek, and I can't even remember the last time I cried.

It must be ages ago.

Why now?

I raise my head from his shoulder and place a kiss on his neck. He doesn't move, his hands still covering his face, hiding it from me. I turn his torso to me by pulling him into a tight embrace, and he finally has to take his hands away. He wraps his arms around my body tightly, gripping me firmly with his big hands. I don't get to see his face next to mine, but I feel the wetness on his cheeks on mine.

Tris is the difference.

That she's here for me and just knows I can't speak right now.

That she's here, holding me, holding me in her small arms that tonight are the strongest that I've ever felt holding me.

She lies on her back and I lay beside her, my head on her chest,

and she's stroking her fingers through my hair like my mother sometimes used to do when I was sick.

We never spoke more than four little words since we came back to his apartment. It is just me comforting him in silence, trying to be there for him, telling him wordlessly that I care so deeply for him while silent tears roll down his cheeks now and then.

Today brought back so much pain that has already been gone.

Or so I thought.

The pain, locked away deep inside me where it wouldn't escape to hurt me, feels fresh, burning.

As if all those years did nothing to soothe it.

And I am a boy again, lost and lonely, helpless against the load that's been put on his shoulders.

Sometime, I spread his quilt over our bodies and just continue being by his side, doing the best I can to take away his pain, whatever it is about.

Tris, I think I love you.

And I think you love me, too.

Tonight is not the right time to tell you, but I will.

You deserve to know.

You are the one, the one who understands me without words,

and even now, when I am so lost in my past

and too petrified in my anxiety to tell you why,

you understand me.

I wish you could tell me, Tobias.

I curl up on my side, like the child I once was, and her embrace is still firm.

It's not pity that keeps her here.

I've seen her face.

It's compassion, although she doesn't know what for.

Finally, he has fallen asleep in my arms. This time it's me lying behind him, spooning him, although I'm that much smaller than he is. His breathing has become deep and even.

But I can't calm down enough to doze off. I feel so lost. Whatever it is that has shaken him like this, it must be grave.

Oh Tobias, if only you'd share your pain with me, I'd love to help you carry the weight of it.

I love you so much.

So much.

I'll be there for you, I hope you know that.

I place a kiss on the back of his head, breathing in the scent of him.

I wake up in the middle of the night and can tell she's fallen asleep behind me.

I listen to her even breathing.

I love her for staying and not running away.

I'm loved.

I've never truly been loved before.

So this is what it's like.

It feels warm.

I don't ever want to live without her love again.