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Chapter 32

Tris

I'm sitting on my bed, looking through a book full of Dauntless recipes. Although I've been helping a lot in the kitchen since I was a girl, I'm not used to cook anything apart from the plain dishes served in Abnegation.

I'm so deep into thought that I don't even hear Tobias come in. Suddenly he's standing beside my bed.

"Hey, I'm glad you're here," I say and smile up at him.

"Me too. How was your day?"

"Okay, but my shoulders hurt from the training session we had with Eric, and there is something I have to tell you about today."

"How about I massage your shoulders while we talk? I want to tell you about my day, too."

"That would be perfect."

He climbs into my bed and sits down behind me after kissing me first. I sigh as he begins to knead my pained muscles.

"So could you convince Johanna to give us peace serum?" I ask.

"Yes, it was difficult and I had to pass her more information than I liked, but there was no other way. I'll meet her again tomorrow morning at the fence."

"Oh, but it's good you achieved that for us. I've been to Christina's apartment after my simulation, and she said she and Will are planning an Allegiant meeting tomorrow morning. We agreed upon half past seven. Then you can tell everybody else."

"Half past seven? I know it's necessary to meet again soon, but that's quite early."

For a moment we sit in silence.

"Tobias, I have to tell you about my simulation today."

He stops massaging me for a second before he continues, offering me silence, so I can talk to him.

"I had one again about intimacy." My voice is low, as I know he's not gonna like this, of course not. And I feel so guilty once again.

"Tell me what it was about."

I'm surprised by how tender his voice sounds.

"I talked about it afterwards with Christina, and she helped me figure out the motives behind it. You, no, the projection of you, was a lot pushier than in reality, and again that's how I figured out it wasn't real. There were two fears in it this time. The first one was how I'm still nervous to let you touch me because I'm afraid of losing control. It connects with my other fears, you know?"

"Tris, you wouldn't use control immediately. You could still always say stop, and I would listen."

"I know you'd stop, it's just that... I wouldn't want to disappoint you if I didn't... I don't think I'm ready to share what you shared last Friday, to let you watch me when I... — not yet," I stammer.

"That's perfectly fine. I swear I won't be disappointed — although I have to admit that the idea of you losing control under my touch is turning me on."

He whispers the last thought into my ear and I hear that he's smiling. Probably it's good that we can't see each other's faces. It's a lot easier to talk about sex like this. I clear my throat.

"It wasn't the only fear in my simulation today. The other part was about touching you... I mean, pleasuring you, with my hand." Now the words are out and I'm waiting for Tobias to say anything.

"Why?"

I don't know what I was expecting, but somehow it wasn't this simple question.

"I thought about that a lot, and it's not that I don't want to do that. I let it seem like that in the sim because Lauren was watching, but in reality I'm curious. I think what it was about is that I'm afraid of doing it wrong."

"Tris, it's not a test. You can't do anything wrong."

"You can't know that."

He sighs. "What I do know is that the mere thought of your hands around me drives me crazy. So even if you're not sure about what to do, I can always show you. I don't expect you to be an expert already."

I let his words sink in. Basically, it's a lot like my own thoughts about him. I don't expect him to be perfect in bed, so why is it so much harder to believe, not only rationally, but also emotionally, that he wouldn't be somehow disappointed by my lack of experience?

"Thank you for trusting me about your sim. I'm sure it wasn't easy to tell me," Tobias says and rests his hands on my shoulders.

"It wasn't, but I wanted to be honest with you. Thank you for listening and not getting angry."

"I know better than that by now."

"I tried to explain to Lauren that my fear is about intimacy in general, and that you're being in it is just a coincidence. I think she believed me, but I'm not entirely sure, though."

"I guess we'll find out about that tomorrow. But I'm convinced Lauren would never run straight to Eric before talking to me first, so we should still be safe."

I sigh and lay back against his chest, then turn my head to the side and let my lips find his. It's a kiss full of love and trust, and as I remember his words from last night I sling a hand around his neck and hold him even closer to me. I have to jump into the water, or I'll never learn how to swim.

I stop our fierce kiss and whisper, "Touch me, above my clothes."

"I thought you were afraid of that."

"I'm nervous. But I want you to."

The kiss that follows is much slower than the one before, but at the same time deeper. The sensation of our tongues rolling around each other's is noticeable throughout my whole body, and nervous excitement spreads from my belly.

Then Tobias' hands begin their journey down my arms and up again. His erection presses against my lower back from behind as he begins to caress my breasts. I enjoy how his hands fit so perfectly around them. He continues until I lay my head back against his shoulder and close my eyes to concentrate on his hands while they move down over my abdomen and back up under my sweatshirt. His face is next to mine, his cheek against my hair and his lips close to my ear. I moan as his hands reach my chest again and he plays with my nipples through the fabric of my bra. He doesn't hold back his own groans, and I notice how arousing it is to hear both our voices filling the room together.

"More," I sigh, eager now to let him go further.

His hands travel down my body again, this time over the curve of my hips on to my thighs. My feet are still standing on the bed, my knees up from propping the book against them earlier. Tobias repeatedly strokes along my thighs, adding more pressure to his touch. His breaths are shaky as he gently pulls my legs apart with his palms on my knees. I let him. My own grip on his thighs tightens when he starts trailing his fingertips along my inner thighs. This part of my body is so sensitive, and I can only imagine what his touch would feel like on my skin. I want to find out.

Tobias takes his time to caress me. His hands now move almost all over me, and I am more desperate for his touch than I've ever been before. I've started to stroke his thighs, too, wanting to return at least some of the pleasure I'm feeling.

"Still want me to go on?" Tobias asks me, his voice throaty.

I turn my head around and my heart skips a beat upon looking into his hungry eyes. Instead of saying anything, I put my lips on his and quickly deepen our kiss. Again, he begins to stroke down my inner thighs from my knees, only now he won't change direction like he did before.

I moan into his mouth when he reaches the spot between my legs that's craving for him, but his touch stays so light that it's just not enough. I push my hips slightly upwards against him, and he gets the message and adds more pressure as he slowly rubs over me through my pants, still tentatively though. Strangely, I don't feel awkward. I'm able to relax and enjoy the warm waves he sends through my body, and I can't get enough. Am I ready for another step?

"Tobias," I whisper.

"Tris."

I love the way my name drops off his lips, thick with want.

I swallow. "Undress me further."

I hear him gasp. "Sure?"

Our eyes are locked as I slowly nod. Tobias pulls my shirt up and takes it off before he covers my mouth with his again. He sneaks a hand between our bodies to open my bra and then slides the straps down my arms.

"You are so beautiful," he whispers between kisses, and I'm a lot less self-conscious than the other times he saw my naked chest. Now I'm so excited to feel his hands roaming over me that there is no room for fears.

Tobias

My heart is hammering as I put my hands on her and direct them downwards towards her pants. The way she leans into me and loses herself in our kiss, has me melting. She seems so relaxed after telling me about her fear, and I love that she's obviously willing to trust me more in real life.

My hands are shaking ever so slightly as I undo the button and open the zipper. I'm moving slowly, so she can stop me if she changes her mind. But she doesn't. She lets me lower her pants down to her knees and then takes them off herself.

I want to calm her nerves and pull her back against my chest with my hands on her shoulders. I kiss the back of her head and inhale the scent of her hair. Then I direct my right hand downwards.

"Show me how to do it," I whisper into her ear.

I want to do it right. Well, and a part of me wants to watch her hand guiding mine, cause it's such a hot image. And when she does, I could lose myself right now. Her right hand covers mine and I notice how cold it is, probably from being nervous. She can't feel cold. Her skin is warm, and when she leads me to touch her between her slightly opened legs, I feel the heat radiating off her there. And with delight, I register how wet her panties already are. There's nothing more intense for me than knowing how turned on she is below her fears.

I'm surprised by the amount of pressure she uses to push my fingers up and down over her clit, and how strongly she grips my thigh with her other hand. I continue caressing her through her panties after she takes her hand away, trying to find out what she likes. I've never seen her let go like this, and as her body starts moving under my touch, I can't help but flex my hips against her back in search of friction. Pleasuring her is at least as enjoyable as if she was doing this to me.

I wonder if she'd allow me another step. My desire to feel her skin on skin is racing through my veins. I decide to carefully test the waters and skim my fingertips under her waistband.

"Can we keep that for next time?" she asks calmly.

"Sure, love." I didn't miss the implied meaning of her words. I hope next time will come soon. My lips are on her neck as I resume rubbing her gently like before.

Tris

I flex my hips against his fingers, lost in the rhythm he sets. Or maybe it's me who sets the rhythm. It's hard to say. We're probably doing it together. I'm sinking deeper into the sea of pleasure he has thrown me in, swimming through these unknown waters. All my senses are heightened, only my brain doesn't work. I have touched myself before, but knowing it's Tobias hands stroking me now, the hands of the boy who captured my heart entirely, intensifies my excitement.

Only at some point, I notice how I'm about to almost lose control, and suddenly I'm afraid of this again. As good as it feels, I'm not ready yet to let go of the world in front of his eyes. I don't really know why it's so difficult for me, as my body clearly wants it. But my brain just won't allow it.

Tobias seems to sense my sudden hesitation and pauses.

"Everything okay? Did I do anything you don't like?" I can literally hear his own insecurities.

"No, you didn't. It's just that... I can't. My body wants to go on, but I can't turn off my head enough. I'm sorry."

I feel bad and for the thousandth time I wish I could just let it happen.

"Are you afraid of me seeing you come?" He holds his breath, knowing his question was bold.

"I'm not ready to share that yet," I whisper silently, "but I will be, because I want to be."

"I'll still be around to help, you know?"

I'm relieved that he didn't get this the wrong way.

"Thank you, Tobias."

"I've waited for someone like you to come along for years without knowing what I was actually waiting for, so I'm not in a hurry — although I wouldn't mind taking it further," he says with a grin.

"That was obvious when I found your collection of condoms this morning," I say, wanting him to know I've seen them.

He chuckles slightly behind me. "You found them?"

"There wasn't much Eric could have been referring to."

"You're too smart, Tris. But seriously, I was afraid you'd be angry with me about that."

"No, I'm not. It's a good idea to have them. There are only three days left until initiation."

"We can take our time, like I said. Let's see how things are going to work out."

We sit in silence for a while, my heart rate finally calming down. I'm thankful that he doesn't push me and accepts my boundaries, but I still wish I wasn't that complicated. It could all be so easy if it wasn't for my stupid fear.

For tonight, I just feel so good leaning against him. He covers us with my blanket and keeps drawing patterns onto my naked skin underneath it. I almost fall asleep, the exhaustion from the day finally crashing down on me. Tobias takes off his shirt and pants too, and then we cuddle close to each other until sleep steals away our consciousness.

DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.