Now it's time for the fear landscapes to begin...

Thanks for your patience and support and the nice comments on the last chapter. I really wanted those two to have a real conversation instead of another fight about a sim, as their relationship has grown since the last one.

Chapter 33: Wednesday, 3 days until initiation

Tobias

"... and I'm going to meet Johanna early today, so she can pass me the serum," I finish the report on my visit to Amity. Everyone is happy that this part of the plan worked out so far. I'll be even happier when I'll be holding the serum in my own hands later.

Zeke slaps me on the back, "Well done. And I'll see what I can find out about the device you brought with you."

Then the conversation turns to the development of the anti-serum. Will sneaked Cara into our compound early this morning, as she insisted on participating. She tells us that she believes in Caleb's idea, and that they've already started working on it, but she also tells us that she doesn't fully trust Caleb.

"It's just strange that he came up with the idea so quickly and that he knew about the control serum at all. Even I only knew rumors, and I'm a member. I really want to know where he got his knowledge from and how he already knew about it before you told him, Tris."

I watch the two girls stare at each other, and so do the others. Cara is right. She gives the impression of being trustworthy after all, although she's not very charming. But she's convincing. I'm sure Tris is thinking feverishly about what she has said, in order to come up with an explanation, and I wonder if she will.

"Okay, I'll try to find out. But until we have any kind of proof that Caleb is lying, I'm going to trust my brother."

I'm surprised by her answer. It's not what I was expecting. Obviously she sees the reasons for Cara's doubts, too.

"And how are you planning to do that?"

Cara's voice becomes accusing, and I don't like that. I clench my fists, so it's easier for me to restrain from interfering in this conversation. Tris can speak for herself, and I have to let her, even if it's difficult for me.

"I'm going to meet my mom and ask her how she found out about the serum. That'll help us figure out how Caleb knew," she answers coldly.

"Your mother is in Abnegation," Cara replies, and I dig my nails deeper into my palms.

Tris jumps up from her chair.

"So what? You think she's part of a conspiracy that will result in the extinction of her own faction?" she spits at Cara, her eyes full of fury now.

"Easy, girls, easy," Zeke interrupts their fight. As if that was necessary...

Tris refuses to sit down again, apparently too angry to do so. Instead, she and Cara continue staring each other down while our group decides to wait until Tris has spoken to her mother before we pass any peace serum or blood samples over to Caleb.

Cara continues, "You know, I'm going to help you as much as I can. I think it's possible to produce a vaccine. But, as you're not Erudite, which is quite obvious by the way, I have to warn you: If Caleb, for any reason, is working against us, he could help accelerate the development of a better control serum by passing Divergent's blood to the scientists in the lab. It's just what they might need to improve their invention, so that it could possibly work on Divergents as well."

"He wouldn't do that!" Tris snaps at Cara, but I know her brain is Erudite enough to at least think it through and have a serious conversation with her mother later.

The mood is tense and doesn't change until the end of our meeting. We agree that Tris and I meet with Cara again in the late afternoon to decide if we give the blood and serum to Caleb or not. The others trust us with that decision, and we have little other options anyway, as Zeke points out to us matter-of-factly.

We all leave the apartment one by one, each of us taking their own way to the cafeteria for breakfast. I'm worried how Tris is going to manage meeting her mother. It won't be easy for her to sneak into Abnegation. I hope she'll get there without being seen and manages to get the answers we need.

I sigh as I find myself in the training area instead of the pit. My subconsciousness must have led me here to find relief from the worries I'm carrying around. Now that I'm here, I can take my time for a short workout before breakfast. I won't have much time afterwards, with Johanna waiting for me.

I'm surprised to find Lauren in the training room I walk into, attacking a punching bag forcefully. She looks up when she hears the door fall shut behind me. But instead of greeting me, she raises her eyebrows and starts walking towards me. I'm surprised when she doesn't stop in front of me, but pushes me backwards against the door I just came in through.

"Whoa Lauren, what's gotten into you?"

"I could ask you the very same!" Her voice is angry, accusatory.

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Now I'm getting angry, too.

"Tris!" she hisses at me, her eyes gleaming.

Oh, I thought Tris had managed the situation with Lauren. At least that's what she believed.

"What about her?" I play for time, needing more information on what Lauren knows or suspects.

"Oh come on, Four, don't play dumb. I've seen the girl's simulation. She tried to talk her way out of it, but she obviously believes you'll make her fail initiation if she doesn't sleep with you. That's disgusting!"

What? That's Lauren's impression of Tris' sim? It's ridiculous! I can't stop myself from laughing out before I turn serious again.

"Lauren, you know me, do you really think I'd do that to one of my initiates? You can't seriously think that I'm blackmailing Tris to have sex with me!"

"Then tell me where this fear comes from! It must be there for a reason, it's not just like any other simulation, and you're not in it randomly. Because if you were, what reason would you have to lie about it in your files?"

I stare into Lauren's eyes that usually are kind and gentle, but now are staring back at me coldly.

"I can't believe that's what you think of me!" I repeat.

"Well, then explain it. Explain how I got this wrong!"

"Why do I owe you an explanation? Tris is in my group of initiates, not yours."

"Really? That's what you come up with? Honestly, I don't care in whatever group she is. I'm an instructor, too. That makes me responsible for her even if she's a transfer. I'm doing the fear landscape training with them, so I'm going to have to watch this at least two more times, and I have to write reports on how the initiates manage. So don't lie to me or try to avoid answering!"

Shit. "Fine, okay, we're together!" I shout at her, furious that she's assuming I might take advantage of my initiate. That shuts her up for a moment while she looks at me, shocked.

"But how can she be with you when she's afraid of you?"

"Because she's not afraid of me, like I told you. It's intimacy that scares her, and the fact that her fear could give away our relationship in the final fear landscape if she doesn't get over it before Saturday. So it's not me who's pressuring her, it's time and Dauntless rules."

"So if I ask her about what's going on with you, she'll tell me the same?"

"No, of course not. We have to keep secret what's going on between us, or we could just leave right now."

Lauren still looks at me unconvinced, but her immediate anger has ebbed away.

"Okay, if it is like you say, I won't tell anyone about it. I think Tris will do well in her finals anyway, she doesn't depend on your help, and as I assume you'll judge her just like the others. There's no harm done."

"Thank you for that, Lauren."

She sighs. "Look Four, I'm sorry I misinterpreted the situation. It just never occurred to me that you could be a couple. It seemed to me as if Tris needed someone to speak up for her."

I accept the apology although I'm still bewildered by how Lauren was willing to see me. It scares me that I might seem to be capable of an act like that, that she was led to think so badly about me just by witnessing one simulation.

Maybe Tris' fears are still deeper than she wants to admit. But then she allowed me to touch her yesterday, and — I smile to myself — she enjoyed it.

Tris

I sit between Uriah and Christina while Lauren explains to us how the fear landscapes work. The others listen eagerly while my own thoughts drift off to my plans for later this day. I'll have to speak to my mother to find out about her and Caleb, so I'll have an explanation for their uncommon knowledge that I can shut Cara up with.

I notice that Lauren is done speaking only when the others get up. I hurry to rise, too. We follow Lauren into the fear landscape room and I try to look around with the same interested expression as my fellow initiates. I already know this room, it's not new to me.

I'm not surprised Lauren takes over our group today together with hers. Tobias would never allow anyone else to see his fears, as they give too much away about his past. At least I don't have to worry about giving my Divergence away by showing my awareness, since everybody stays aware while going through their fears in here.

Then Lauren starts her landscape and picks different initiates for every upcoming fear as we move through them. I watch Uriah fight off an invasion of disgusting spiders, see with malicious joy how pale Peter gets while fighting against an unstoppable bleeding from Lauren's stomach and witness Marlene save Lauren from being run over by a train in a risky maneuver. And so it goes on and on. I wonder what fear I'll have to fight, but before I'm allocated to one, the lights go on and we're all back in the room, surrounded by gray concrete walls.

Lauren dismisses us almost immediately. She seems exhausted after going through her fears. She tells us there'll be a short meeting again this evening after dinner, to review how we managed the landscape this morning. Well, how everyone except me managed the landscape. I linger until I'm the only one left with Lauren. She doesn't seem surprised when I ask her why I am the only one who didn't have to fight against one of her fears today.

"Tris, this last fear that Christina had to face, being kidnapped by those strangers, keeps switching its position within the landscape. Sometimes it's in the beginning, often somewhere in the middle, or at the end, like today. I just wanted to avoid assigning it to you because of what I saw in your sim yesterday. I was trying to protect you."

That's not an answer I was expecting. How can I be angry with her now? I wanted to confront her, to accuse her of making me seem weak by refusing me to participate, but, knowing her reasons, I can't.

"Oh, that was thoughtful. Thank you," I say instead.

"You're welcome. By the way, I had a conversation with Four this morning."

She's watching me, studying my reaction. I try to keep my face straight.

"About what?"

"About you."

"Oh. Because of my simulation?"

"Exactly. I confronted him because I had the impression he was trying to force you into having sex with him if you wanted to pass initiation."

"You did what?"

Now my voice got louder, my attempt at keeping my feelings hidden failed. But it's just crazy that this is what she made of my sim. What is she thinking about my Tobias? That he would be capable of harassing me like that?

For the first time, I feel like I have to protect him from someone. I'm responsible to wipe away those accusations. It's insupportable that anyone, anyone at all, might think about him like that. Even if it does seem as if I'm afraid of him in my simulations, it doesn't mean I'm afraid of him in real life. It's sex in general that scares me, and I can't imagine I could ever overcome this fear with anyone else but him.

"Tris?"

I didn't notice my thoughts wander off.

"He didn't do anything that I didn't want, and he never would. He's not that kind of guy. Lauren, you've known him for two years now!"

"Keep your voice down, or everyone close to this room can hear you! He already explained the situation to me, and judging from your reaction, I guess he told me the truth."

"And what truth would that be?"

I'm anxiously waiting for her response.

"He told me that you're together. But don't worry, I won't tell anyone. Actually I'm happy for him that he found someone. He's always so mysterious and closed-off about his personal life, he needs someone he can share his feelings with."

Now I'm confused. "How can you assume he might be capable of pushing me for sex and the next moment you speak of him as if he was a friend of yours?"

"Tris, I know this seems extremely ambivalent. I do care about Four, and I consider him a friend rather than a colleague. I overreacted because I'm kind of sensitive when it comes to abusive behavior. I won't tell you more than that, and it's even more than Four knows. So please, I apologize for misinterpreting your fear."

She holds her hand out to me and after three seconds of hesitation, I shake it.

"So if you need someone to talk, you can still take me up on my offer."

"Sure, thanks. I already have someone I can talk to about it."

"Okay, good. It helps to talk. But please, let me give you one last piece of advice before I'll stop invading your privacy: I know many Dauntless that are very easygoing about their sexual activities and relationships, or even treat sex as if it was just a leisure activity like many others. But it's not, especially not the first time. So if you decide to sleep with Four, make sure it's because your heart wants it, not because you feel like you should do it for any other reason."

DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.