Chapter 34

Tris

I push Lauren's words into the back of my mind to be able to concentrate on getting off the train without hurting myself. I land hard on the grass and roll to the side to slow down my speed.

After tapping the dust off my jacket and pants, I make my way over to the Abnegation sector. It's just a short walk from here. The closer I get, the stronger my heart is beating in my chest, and I'm out of breath although I'm not running. At first, I'm not sure what to make of it, but then I recognize what this is: fear.

I'm afraid of what I might find out today.

But it doesn't help to name my emotion. It's there to stay. I'm sure it'll only get better after I've talked to my mother.

I sneak along right outside of Abnegation for a while, observing the members of my former faction as they go about their daily business. What I see seems strangely foreign to me: How they walk so slowly and cautiously step aside for other people to pass, how politely they greet each other without ever getting closer than arm's length, how the children walk and wait in patient silence beside their parents. There's an overall quiet around the place that has never rung so loud in my ears.

I'm already more Dauntless than I thought was. Sometimes I'm torn between the different sides of my personality, but at this moment I'm sure I've picked the right faction for me.

That realization leads to a rush of self-confidence, and suddenly my fear tones down to worry. I finally start looking for a save path to my parents' house. I hope mum is at home. Things will get complicated if I have to start looking for her around the compound. I'd rather not be seen over here. Luckily, the house is not far in. I just have to pass three other houses, and the street is mostly empty.

I have to risk it. I try not to fall into a jog as I enter the compound in the shadow of the first gray house. Fast movements might cause more interest than black clothes. I decide to take off my jacket and leave it under a bush. Beneath it I'm wearing a gray pullover. Maybe that'll help. I also remember to tie up my hair.

Whenever the street is empty of people, I walk deeper into the compound, staying close to the houses. I use their shadows to hide in, and whenever I have to pass a window, I crouch to not be seen. But of course I know there could always be someone watching me from the other side of the street. Abnegation homes don't have curtains.

I let out a long breath once I've reached our house, or now that of my parents. I take a look through the window and smile when I see my mother sitting in the living room, knitting a scarf. The scene is so familiar that, for a few seconds, I allow myself to dwell in childhood memories, until I remember what I'm really here for.

I softly knock on the window and am relieved to see a smile spread in Natalie's face when she sees me. She motions to the back door and lets me in. I want to take her into my arms, but her gray robes remind me not to behave too Dauntless around her.

"Beatrice, I'm so happy to see you, my big girl. But why are you here? You look strained."

You can't hide from a mother's knowing eyes, I guess.

"I need to talk to you, and I apologize for not having much time."

"That's okay, don't worry. I'm sure you have your reasons. So please, take a seat. Can I bring you something to drink?"

She doesn't wait for an answer as I sit on the couch and fumble with my pullover to not show off too much skin.

Mum comes back with two glasses of water that she places on the low table before she sits down by my side with her body turned towards me.

"I'm ready to listen."

"Mum, I have to ask you something, and I hope you'll be able to answer."

"Then I'm ready to answer. Whatever you need."

"On Visiting Day you told me to ask Caleb to research a certain serum. How did you find out about it?"

"Well, there was this faction meeting, and all the leaders and their closest colleagues were there. Your father forgot to take his lunch with him in the morning, so I decided to bring it over around noon.

On my way back, I overheard Jeanine Matthews talking to someone about a new serum she was planning to create. Long forgotten instincts kicked in upon hearing the icy tone in her voice. I moved close to the room her voice was coming from, which was at the end of a short hallway. Apparently they assumed nobody would be walking around in this part of the building, so I was able to listen in further.

She said she dreamed of a serum powerful enough to control people's minds, so that she could make them follow her commands. She discussed several biochemical difficulties her scientists were trying to overcome in a secret laboratory at that moment with at least two men whose voices I did not recognize. I still don't know who they were. Jeanine also offered those men a position in what she called 'her new society' as a reward for their collaboration once she had managed to get Abnegation out of the way.

I wasn't able to hear more, because I heard footsteps coming closer, and I quickly had to hide in a storeroom. I was lucky it was open. But I couldn't hear what was going on outside, so I just waited there for an hour to be sure they were gone, and then I left. That's all I know about this serum."

"Mum, when did that happen?"

"About two months ago. Why? Did you talk to Caleb?"

"I did, a few days ago. But he already knew about it."

"Sure, because I told him to research it. After Visiting Day, I thought it was unfair to have left you with that task. I know how difficult it can be to sneak out of Dauntless, so I went to Erudite and waited for a possibility to talk to Caleb in private. That's when I told him. But I was never able to talk to him again since that day."

"And how did he seem to you?"

"Beatrice, I would like you to tell me why you're interrogating me like this. What is going on?"

I sigh. She's right. I can only imagine how this conversation must make her feel. I take a deep breath and tell her what we found out so far, trying not to give away too many details. I'm not sure if the other Allegiant would approve of this, but frankly, I don't care much. It's my mum, and I trust her. She listens intently, but doesn't seem that shocked by my revelations. I guess she must have seen it coming. And of course she's convinced that my brother is trustworthy.

"Is there anything I can do to support you and your friends?"

"I don't know. At the moment, probably not."

"Well, don't hesitate to ask me for help if there is anything I can do."

"Thank you, mum."

"You're welcome."

"I'm sorry I'll have to leave soon. Four and I are going to meet with Cara and Caleb. They installed an improvised laboratory somewhere, where they can work on the vaccine."

"You and Four? The instructor that told me you were doing well on Visiting Day?"

She smiles a knowing smile, and I avoid her eyes. There's still too much Abnegation in me to admit to my mother that I'm in a relationship.

"It's okay, Tris. I once was young, too. I remember how it feels to be in love."

I gaze up at her in surprise. "Mum, how do you know?"

She covers my hand with hers, something she rarely did while I still lived in this house. "It was obvious to me that you like each other on Visiting Day, and it's even more obvious when you talk about him now. Every time you mentioned him today, your eyes lit up and you smiled despite what you were telling me. I've known my daughter for a while, you know?"

"I wasn't aware it was that easy to figure out."

"Well, probably not for anybody. But for me it's hard not to see."

"We've been together for a while now, but we have to keep it a secret until initiation is over. Some friends know about us, though," I admit.

"As long as you make each other happy, I'm happy for you, too. Love can be difficult to find, so take good care of it."

I smile as I think about how close Tobias and I have become and how our trust has grown, so that now we manage to be honest with each other without being afraid.

"I will, mum. Both of us will."

"I'm so proud of the woman you're becoming, Beatrice. — Tris."

I have to swallow the tears that threaten to fall as she pulls me into a tight embrace and closes her arms around me. It's hard to say goodbye afterwards, with the thread of the attack looming over us, but I have to go.

I manage to leave the compound without being seen, or at least, that's what I think. I hurry to my meeting point with Tobias and find him already waiting for me. He's relieved when he sees me.

"I was beginning to wonder if anything happened to you," he admits as he hugs me. We can't kiss, since we are out on the street, although it's a rather deserted area.

I explain to him how my mother found out about the serum, and that she was the one who told Caleb to research it, so we decide to pass the peace serum and the blood to him and Cara.

We quickly walk over the two blocks to our meeting point with them, and they're already waiting there for us. They seem distant with each other, and I wonder how they manage to work together in their lab.

We hand over what they need, and I nod towards Cara. She shrugs her shoulders as if to say, 'If this goes wrong, it will be your fault'. Apart from the fact that I trust my brother, there is no alternative option anyway.

Tobias and I follow them around a crumbling building whose windows and the front door are hidden behind large planks of wood. On the backside, Cara leads us down a flight of overgrown stairs to a basement door. It's dark inside and it smells damp and musty.

We climb the stairs up to the fourth floor, walk through more doors and finally reach the place where Caleb and Cara have built a small lab to work in. I'm surprised how professional it seems, but yet they are Erudite and know how to make this work. Caleb puts our supplies in a small rusty fridge while Cara starts the two computers they brought here.

I ask about their progress and end up with a long explanation that I can't really follow. All I'm able to conclude is that they prepared everything that they could prepare without having peace serum and Divergent's blood and are now eager to continue working.

Tobias and I look at each other, and I know we think the same: time for us to leave and let them concentrate on their tasks. We can't help them with anything else right now, so we leave and hurry back to the Dauntless compound. We jog along small deserted streets that usually aren't patrolled by our fellow faction members.

We split up when we arrive, so Tobias can bring the rest of the peace serum into his locker in the initiate's training room, and I go to the cafeteria for dinner. Right in front of it, I run into Christina.

"Did everything go well?", she asks.

I just nod, afraid to be overheard.

"Well, we have the night off, since Lauren said she was too tired for talking about the fear landscapes tonight. The meeting was postponed to tomorrow evening," Christina informs me.

"What about you come over to my apartment later? It's been a while since we had time to talk, and Four has to work in the control room tonight because Lauren took all of us into her fear landscape today."

"That sounds great. I'll just let Will know that he doesn't have to wait for me tonight, and then I'll come over later."

The prospect of a chat with Christina instead of a fear landscape conference just made my day much better.

DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.