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Chapter 35

Tobias

I still have half an hour left before the beginning of my night shift, so I go over to visit Tris. Although we've spent some time together today, we didn't have any of it in private and I'm anxious to take her into my arms and kiss her.

Apparently Tris feels the same, since we quickly end up kissing on her sofa with her lying above me, moving her hips against mine. It's so sexy whenever she's brave enough to take the lead.

I stop her when she starts pushing up my shirt, though. I need to talk to her about my conversation with Lauren before we can continue what we're doing.

Tris looks at me in surprise as I gently lead her hands back up from under the fabric.

"You don't want that?"

"I do, but first I have to ask you something. I'm sure you know Lauren talked to me this morning, because she wanted to talk to you afterwards. I was just wondering... Your simulation, it made her think I was trying to pressure you into having sex with me in order for you to pass initiation. I must say that I was shocked she would think of me like that."

It's difficult to look Tris in the eye while I admit how much Lauren's accusations affected me.

Tris immediately sits up in my lap. "Me too. I couldn't believe what she was saying, and I think I gave away my feelings for you when I got angry and started shouting at her."

My eyes travel back to her face, her anger visible in her whole composure, her voice raised.

"I told her how ridiculous it was, since you would never ever do something like that. Now she knows about us, but frankly, I don't care. I could never have left without getting this straight."

Following a sudden impulse, I sit up, take her face in my hands and crash my lips onto hers. She's taken by surprise, and it takes her a second to react. But then she opens her mouth to me, and we let our tongues swirl around each other's. I hold her tightly, overwhelmed by how protective she felt over me and how she defended me to Lauren, and Tris roams her hands over my back under my shirt. We pull away when we run out of air, needing to breathe.

"What was that kiss for?" Tris asks, her arms still wrapped around me.

"Your rant just convinced me that you don't see me like that at all."

Her expression softens and she leans her forehead against mine.

"You were afraid that I'd feel pushed by you," she whispers.

I swallow. "A part of you," I admit.

"Well, I don't. Those fears are about my own insecurities, not about you pressuring me. You've always respected me and my limits. That's why I trust you. That's why I'm willing to get over my fears for you."

"And also for you, I hope."

"Yes, of course. For us. With you."

She kisses me again, and I can't resist her. I lay back down and pull her with me, place my hands on her cute ass and press her firmly against me. She holds on to me tightly as we move in unison.

I wish we had more time together now, I'm sure we would take another step tonight. But unfortunately, I have to go, and stopping her from grinding her hips against me is about the hardest thing I can imagine.

Tris lets out a frustrated sigh. "Do you really have to go?"

"I wish I didn't have to. I could do this with you all night."

"Me too."

She kisses along my jawline up to my ear, and then whispers, "I think I would like to tackle my other fear from that last simulation as soon as possible."

I need to think for a moment to understand what she's referring to. One was about losing control and the other... My heart rate picks up.

I groan. "Tris, you can't say something like that right before I have to leave."

"Why not? I just make sure you'll come back to me."

"Are you playing with me right now, Miss Prior?"

She blows air on the skin behind my ear that she has just kissed. "Maybe I am. You must be... it's been a long time since you last... since Friday."

Oh... well...

My non-reaction isn't lost on her.

"Wouldn't you want me to touch you?"

"You can't imagine how much."

"Then why were you hesitating?"

I think I'm blushing furiously now. "Um... because last Friday wasn't the last time I..."

I hope she gets the rest even if I don't finish the sentence. This is embarrassing.

"Oh, I - I didn't know you did that. I just assumed the last time was when we were together."

I feel rather uncomfortable now, with her looking at me in surprise. I'm not sure what to say. I bury a hand in her hair and guide her head next to mine, so I can whisper in her ear, "We were together in my mind while I did it."

My heart is beating hard and I hear her gasp.

"When?"

"Last night. - I got up after you fell asleep and went home for... a short time. You were just so unbelievably sexy when you moved under me, and I was so turned on by you. I just couldn't calm my body down any other way."

I'm anxious about her reaction. Will this make her angry? Hurt? Afraid?

"I didn't hear you leaving."

"I didn't want to wake you up." I wonder what to make of her silence. "Say something, please."

She clears her throat. "I think I'm okay with that. I mean, you're giving me the time I need. But... uhm... next time that you feel that way... I'd rather like you to stay, so I can... help."

"I'd love that." And how much I would... "Now I'm even less motivated to go to work."

We kiss again and I'm thankful that the awkwardness vanishes with the touch of our lips.

Tris

"So you think it's nothing I should worry about?"

"No, like I said, see it as a good thing: You obviously inspired him," Christina grins and nudges my side.

I can't help but smile. Christina's direct way of speaking her thoughts out loud once again helps me to deal with my insecurities. It has become easier for me to ask her for advice. Only two weeks ago, I never would have been able to address this topic with her without getting as red as a tomato. Now, tough I'm still not completely at ease with it, I dare to ask her about sex.

"I told him I wanted to pleasure him next time."

"With your hands or your mouth?"

Fine, no I finally do get red in the face.

"Hands," I mumble.

"Oh, I sometimes forget trying not to make you blush," Christina laughs.

"Can you give me some advice on how to do that?"

"Well, it's really not that difficult. You can't do anything wrong, really. Just start out slow and then get faster. I'm sure you'll see how he likes it, or you could just ask him."

"That's your advice?"

"What, were you expecting me to hand you a manual?"

"Haha, you're so funny tonight," I laugh at her, shaking my head about her stupid joke. "I just want him to enjoy it, that's all."

"He's a boy, he'll definitely enjoy it, I promise you. The ultimate secret if you want to make it perfect for him, though, is that you'll relax and enjoy it, too. And show him you do. Stop worrying so much. You're in love with each other, he's not going to judge you.

Tobias

"Hello, earth to Four..."

Zeke is waving his hand in front of my face. I push it away and turn towards him. He's got a huge grin all over his face.

"I bet I know who you were just thinking about," he smirks.

"Oh shut up Zeke," I retort in fake annoyance. I was indeed deep into thought about Tris and what she said she was ready to do soon. My emotions must have shown.

"You're so in love, man, I can see it. Only then do people stare into nothingness with that lovesick expression like you just did."

I can tell he really enjoys teasing me.

"Maybe you're jealous," I deadpan at him, making him laugh.

"Relax Four, I'm actually happy for you. I've been waiting for you to fall for someone since I've known you. I mean, you kept pushing everyone away, and now that Tris is in your life you've started to let people in. And I'm not only talking about her, but all of us."

Apparently, I've become like an open book to him.

"It's easier to be myself with her by my side," I say, hoping this explanation will be enough for Zeke. Though he might be right, I don't want to discuss the details of why I am the way I am.

"It shows."

We sit in silence in front of the wall of monitors for a while until Zeke asks, "Just out of curiosity, how much of yourself have you already shown her?"

I turn to stare at his grinning face and Zeke suggestively wriggles his eyebrows at me. If I'm not mistaken, he's bursting to know. I decide to play dumb.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Wow, now you're teasing me! The Four I know would try to shut me off with a rude comment — unsuccessfully though. But okay, if you prefer the direct approach tonight: Did you already sleep with her?"

"Zeke!"

"What? I'll tell you that I'm having sex with Shauna, too."

"That's not a secret."

"No, it's not. I was just trying to be fair here, you know? I tell you something, you tell me something."

I sigh. Actually, I could need Zeke's advice.

"We haven't done it yet. She's still dealing with some fears about it, so we're taking it slowly."

"But that's not a problem for you, is it?"

I'm thankful Zeke finally turns serious.

"No, of course not. I want us both to be sure about it when we have sex. I needed some time, too, but now I know that's what I want."

"Wait, it's going to be your first time, too?"

"Come on Zeke, don't look so surprised. You've never seen me with a girl, and you know I transferred from Abnegation."

"I always thought you were being private about your girls. I never thought... Well, now it makes sense that Shauna told me you were blushing like crazy when she caught you taking condoms from the infirmary."

"She told you about that?"

I can't believe she did. I asked her not to.

"Don't worry, I'm the only one she told. She thought it was cute."

I snort. "I'm not cute."

"I don't think you're cute, man," Zeke pats my shoulder.

"Whatever. I just want to be prepared, that's all."

"So are you going to have sex before Saturday's final exam?"

That's the big question, one that I've been thinking about a lot.

"I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. It depends on her, I think, but I'm not sure if I want it like that either."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not sure if it's right to sleep with her before Saturday. I don't want the reason to be to avoid revelation. I want it to be about the two of us. It should be because we both want it and because we love each other, and not because of anything else."

"I get that. But you know what you risk if you wait?"

"I'm more than aware of that. But honestly, with this conspiracy going on, it doesn't feel like my faction anymore anyway."

"That's just our leaders! I mean, look at the Allegiant. If we succeed, we can help rebuild Dauntless the way it used to be."

"Yes, maybe. But I could also help from the outside. Tris has become more important to me than this faction."

The words come easily because they reflect my deepest emotions. It's the first time I say them out loud, and they sound right.

"It's your decision, and I respect it. But make sure you can both live with the consequences."

"I will."

We both follow our own thoughts for a while.

"So how far have you gone?"

I sigh. Zeke's playful curiosity is back.

DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.