Chapter 37

Tris

I wait and wait until it's my turn, and I've become really impatient by the time Lauren calls me in. I'm anxious about going through my landscape, anxious about what I might face in there. I keep asking myself if my fear of intimacy is still there, if it has changed once again, making it difficult to prepare for the exam. How am I supposed to develop a decent strategy when it keeps jumping up at me in different ways?

I concentrate on moving through the various scenarios that appear around me, what I feel is easier to do now that I don't have to be afraid to show my awareness anymore. I overcome the obstacles one by one the way I practiced until I find myself sitting face to face with Tobias at his kitchen table.

He reaches for my hand and caresses it with his thumb, like he often does. Only his face looks tense, worried. He's pale. My own heart is beating fast and I find it hard to breathe, although I don't know why. What kind of fear is this?

"Tobias?" I ask.

"Shhh, one more minute," he says with a glance at the clock.

Okay... This is strange. I think about withdrawing my hand from his, but it calms me although I know it isn't real, and Lauren knows about us anyway. I don't have to hide our relationship from her.

I look at our joined hands until Tobias whispers flatly, "You can go and check it now."

"Check what?"

"In the bathroom."

It's not really an answer to my question, but I get up and walk over to the bathroom on shaking legs. What am I going to find in there? I slowly open the door to peek inside, but I don't see anything unusual. I turn my head to look at Tobias, but his back is turned to me while he sits motionless in his seat.

I enter his bathroom and let my eyes wander around until they fall on a white stick beside the sink. Oh... Oh no... My fingers tremble as I pick it up and turn it around to find two pink stripes accompanied by one unmistakable word: pregnant.

I'm left speechless while I think about what to do to get past this simulation with my heart hammering in my chest. Do I have to find a feeling of acceptance to move on to the next one? I'm not convinced that I'm able to slow my heart rate down enough to continue to my next fear.

No, if this was just about me, the projection of Tobias wouldn't be here. No, now it's obvious what my task is. I have to tell him.

I take several deep breaths before I walk over to where he sits like a statue, waiting. The chair legs screech on the floor as I pull my chair around to sit down. Tobias looks up at me with questioning eyes, but otherwise he stays silent. I hope just telling him will end this simulation.

"It's positive. I'm pregnant."

He gasps in surprise, or shock, or whatever it is, and then the images around me start to blur and transform into endless ocean.

I move through my remaining fears and after I'm done, reality becomes visible. I bow down with my hands on my thighs, breathing hard. It takes a minute or two until I've calmed down enough to stand up straight and leave through the door behind me to turn left and go into the observation room. Lauren offers me the chair next to her, and I'm thankful for the opportunity to sit down.

"So what do you think about going through your landscape?"

"I think I did okay. I mean, maybe I'm not the fastest, but I think I got past my obstacles without wasting too much time."

Lauren raises her eyebrows at me. "Are you kidding? That wasn't just okay, that was brilliant. You faced your fears with very efficient strategies, and really fast. I'm not allowed to tell you your position in the rankings, but your time is among the fastest of all initiates. And only seven fears, I'm impressed."

"Uhm, thank you."

"You don't have to thank me, it was you going through your landscape," Lauren laughs, "You should be proud."

I wish I could be, but the disappointment that my simulations still threaten to reveal Tobias' and me being a couple is a much stronger emotion. While it has been a threat all the time, the fear of revelation suddenly becomes more urgent. Just one more day left! That's next to nothing, and no matter what I do in real life to overcome my fear, my mind always seems to come up with new aspects of it.

"I can't allow myself to feel proud when my simulations are going to get me and Four kicked out of Dauntless."

Lauren sighs and stands up. She goes over to the fridge and returns moments later with a dark orange drink that she hands over to me.

"What is it?" I ask skeptically. "Is it alcohol?"

It doesn't smell as if it is.

"No, just juice. I made a fruit punch for later tonight, when we have the meeting, just to clink glasses and cheer everyone up a bit. This last week is tough, I know, but at least it's going to be over on Saturday."

I accept the juice and take a sip. It tastes sweet and is refreshingly cool. I replay my simulation in my mind, wondering if there's a way to rationally explain it to the leaders without saying that Tobias and I are together. It seems impossible.

Lauren pulls me out of my thoughts. "Let's talk about your fear landscape. Maybe that'll help you."

I set my glass down in front of me. "Okay."

"Well, there's only that one fear that's a problem. Please tell me why you're afraid of getting pregnant. I can probably help to reduce that fear."

I shift around nervously in my seat. I've become used to talking about this with Tobias and Christina, but talking to someone else about it makes me all nervous again. I take another gulp of juice to gain more time to compose myself.

"We didn't have sex yet. But eventually we will soon. We haven't really decided when or if we do it before initiation. It's going to be our first time and until now I never had to worry about getting pregnant. But I don't want a baby right now. I'm far too young. We're both far too young for that." I swallow. "We have condoms for protection, but I've heard that sometimes women get pregnant without wanting it."

"That's really rare. I mean, you're taking hormonal contraception, too, and that's almost a hundred percent save. You wouldn't even need the condoms if it's the first time for both of you. They are more to prevent diseases when people have one night stands or affairs with changing partners."

What is she talking about? She must assume something wrong.

"But I'm not on the pill."

"Yes, you are. Every girl between 14 and 20 is."

"Well, I'm not."

"Sure you are. You're taking it along with your vitamin supplements every Sunday. It's the small red one. Look, it even reduces the frequency of your period. If you don't believe me, you must have noticed that."

I sit back in my chair and start to count the weeks that I've been here. When I realize Lauren is right, I jump up.

"But why would they give me that kind of medication without my knowledge? Or consent?"

It's my body we're talking about here.

"Actually I'm surprised you didn't know. Usually every girl is told about it. I mean, it's what the factions agreed upon to reduce teenage pregnancies, because a baby makes choosing and initiation and learning a job so much harder."

"But there were no such pills in Abnegation! Not of any kind!"

"Oh, then maybe Abnegation is an exception. I can see why. It's not necessary with all their 'no touching policy'."

I sit back down and drink some more, because my hands need something to do. Lauren gives me time to process the news.

"I didn't know you had no idea about that. But now you don't have to worry about getting pregnant anymore. That knowledge should help you get rid of this fear."

I nod. Maybe I'll see it that way after I've calmed down. I say goodbye to Lauren to go to see Christina. I have to ask her about this. She's not at home, so I go to the cafeteria instead. There she is, sitting with Will and the others, having dinner. I should have gone here at once, since there isn't much time left to eat. I quickly grab myself some lasagna and sit down next to Lynn.

We all chat about the upcoming meeting, and I hope I can squeeze in a minute to talk to Christina. Actually, I could ask every girl here, or so it seems. For a moment, I think about just throwing the question into our group, but then I'd have to explain why I'm coming up with this, plus I'm worried that Uriah would get a coughing fit right opposite me. I don't think that this conversation would support his efforts to flirt with Marlene sitting right next to him.

Finally, I take Christina's hand while we're walking to the fear landscape room.

"I need a word in private," I whisper, and she nods and lets herself fall behind with me. When the others are out of earshot, I ask her about the pills we're given every week. I neither have time nor patience for small talk first.

I don't know if I'm really surprised by her confirming Lauren's explanations.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't know that you had no idea. Apparently, Abnegation is the only faction that doesn't participate in the PTP program. I thought all the factions had agreed upon that, not only four. But it makes sense, now that we speak about it, that they don't."

"PTP?"

"'Prevent teenage pregnancies'. It was established about ten years ago, and has reduced the rate of unwanted pregnancies to practically zero."

I sigh. Although I don't like that I was given medication without my knowledge, Lauren's and Christina's explanations should make my fear go away. I wonder if it will already be gone in tomorrow's landscape.

"How did you find out about the pills anyway?"

I explain my simulation to her briefly, since we're almost at the fear landscape room again.

"You know what that means?" she asks, wriggling her eyebrows at me.

"No, what does it mean?" I have to laugh at her expression.

"If your biggest fear about sex is that you could get pregnant, you don't seem to be afraid of having sex anymore," Christina grins and walks into the room before me.

I stay outside, rooted to the spot for a moment, as I turn her words around in my head. And then a smile spreads across my face, too.

XXX

How stupid is all this? Do I really want to risk being thrown out of Dauntless because I'm afraid of my own boyfriend, whom I love? Because I'm too much of a coward to have sex with him? Why am I afraid of that? There's no real reason for that.

Well, I'm going to change that right now.

I run all the way back to our hallway and fumble with the key to unlock Tobias' door. I stumble into his apartment, out of breath from running here, but I don't care. All I care about at this moment is Tobias.

Tobias

I'm trying to sleep, but I can't without Tris by my side. I've become so used to her warm body next to mine at night that I miss her badly when she's not around. I toss and turn until I hear her enter the apartment. She's breathing hard. Has she been running?

"Tris, are you alright?"

"More than alright," she says, her voice steady despite her rapid breathing.

I sit up as she walks over to me quickly, her eyes determinedly locked with mine in the darkness. She climbs onto my lap and kisses me without further warning. The kiss is urgent, her tongue darts out to find mine while her hands pull me closer to her. She starts rolling her hips against my rapidly growing erection, her moans fill the air around us. I grab her waist with both hands to steady her while she takes off my shirt and dismisses it carelessly onto the floor. Now I'm left in only my underwear. For a moment, I wonder if there's a possibility that I have fallen asleep and now am dreaming.

But then Tris' breasts feel too real when I cup them after getting rid of her sweatshirt. I open her bra, what is easier now that I know how to do it, and kiss down along her jaw and neck. I love that she's extremely sensitive tonight and reacts to every little touch.

I decide to give in to my lust and quickly flip us over, so that I'm above her, nestled between her opened legs. I rub myself against her and groan as she responds by meeting my hips. When I can't take much more, I kiss down along her body, taking my time to let my tongue play with her hardened nipples.

My pulse is racing as I open her pants and pull them off. I take a moment to look at her, and she looks right back into my eyes.

"Like what you see?" she teases.

I can't believe how relaxed she is although she's almost naked right in front of me.

"A lot," I say as I plant kisses up her legs. I'd like to kiss the insides of her thighs, but I'm afraid it could break the spell.

"Lie down on me," Tris orders, and I obey willingly. I groan again at the contact. I've never been so physically close to her, with just that little fabric of our underwear between us. I can feel the heat under her panties as she pulls me against her with her hands on my butt.

"I want to do it," she says, loud and clear. It's not a whisper.

I don't trust my ears.

"Tris," I say and take her face in my hands.

"Tobias," she replies, and then she starts to giggle.

"What's so funny?" I ask, unable to hide a smile. She's adorable, and obviously she's nervous.

"I shocked you, I can see it in your face."

"Well, I'm not shocked, just surprised. Aren't you afraid anymore?"

"Not tonight. It must have to do with that punch I drank. It drowned my fears."

She giggles, again. Suddenly I'm alarmed.

"What punch? Was there alcohol in it?"

She doesn't smell of alcohol.

"I don't think so. I just know it tasted sooo sweet. You know we don't drink juice in Abnegation, so I couldn't get enough of it. I secretly refilled my glass three times, and now I'm full of sugar. Don't you think my kisses are sweet, Tobias?"

She's adorable, really, but we can't go on.

"They are, Tris. But I think you've had a little too much peace serum in your drinks."

"What?"

Now I have to concentrate not to start laughing at her expression, which changes from surprise to realization.

"Well, I think I like how it makes me feel. I'm so comfortable with myself."

And then she captures my lips again with hers. I kiss her back, but not as eagerly as before. This feels wrong now. She looks at me questioningly when I break our kiss and roll off her. I lie down next to her and take her hand.

"Don't you want me anymore?"

I cringe at the hurt in her voice. I turn my head to face her and caress her hand with my thumb.

"Tris, you can't imagine how much I want you. I want you so badly, all of you." I swallow. "But not like this. We can't have our first time when you're full of peace serum. I want you to make that decision when you've got all your senses together."

"So tonight you don't want me," she resumes, matter-of-factly.

I sigh and turn towards her. "No Tris, not tonight. Like I said, I don't want to take advantage of how you're feeling. I want to sleep with you, so much. But I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons. And you don't want that either, believe me."

She pouts at me. "So what is the right reason?"

I kiss her gently on the lips.

"Love," I whisper.

DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.