Dear all you readers out there,

I think this will be my last update of this story before Christmas. I wish all of you a very happy and healthy Christmas and want to thank you again for all the support this story is getting. I never would have thought possible that I'd be able to write such a long fic, but then I just started writing and then posting it and now it has almost reached 100.000 words... which seems still crazy to me when I scroll through it... I guess it's once again one of these things that you just have to begin with and then just see that it turns out fine. But it would certainly not be worth all the work if it wasn't for you who read and enjoy it and keep motivating me with your favorites and reviews! So thank you, and keep reading :-)

Springberry

Chapter 38: Friday, 1 day until initiation

Tris

Where am I?

Is it my apartment or Tobias'?

Looks like his.

Uh, so much light...

I need more sleep.

But why am I alone?

Where's Tobias?

Why isn't he in bed with me?

I take a look around and call out his name, but the apartment stays silent. He's not here. I roll over in the empty bed and try to figure out why I'm here alone, but my stupid head feels strangely empty and my mind works slower than usual. It is as if thick fog was swirling around in there, and I had to find my way through it without really seeing where I was going. Unstructured memories flash before my eyes, and I can't bring them together yet to form a complete picture.

I run along the hallways, trying to keep my breathing steady despite the sprint. I can't wait to see him, to wrap my arms around him, to be with him.

"To celebrate the end of initiation, I want to pass you some drinks and clink glasses with you. I'm sure you'll all manage to pass the exam on Saturday," Lauren says solemnly, looking around at us all gathered in the rather small observation office beside the fear landscape room.

"Tris, are you alright?" He's so cute when he's worried about me. But there's really nothing to be worried about. I feel so good, so light. "More than alright," I say, beaming over at my hot boyfriend, his tousled hair a mess around his handsome face.

We extend our arms into the middle of our circle, raising the glasses above our heads to celebrate that we're going to be full members in two days. It's either that — or being factionless.

One moment I sit on Tobias lap, and the next he wraps an entire arm around my back and flips us over. Suddenly I'm on my back, trapped underneath him, pushed down into the mattress by his weight, and I absolutely love it.

It is hard to pick a fear that I want to talk about. I don't need help with my fears, I manage my landscape well on my own. Okay, except for one fear, and that's the one I can't talk about. How ironic. Instead, I have to listen to other initiate's suggestions about how to get rid of the crows more efficiently. I hope they'll run out of ideas soon, so we can continue with someone else's simulation.

Tobias is above me. He kisses down my body before he takes off my pants. The way he looks at my almost naked body is intense. "Like what you see?" I ask with a grin.

"It was about time for a break," Marlene sighs, and Uriah wraps an arm around her waist. "What, aren't you interested in discussing more fears?" he gasps in fake shock, causing everyone in our group to burst out laughing. "I'll go to the bathroom," I say to explain why I sneak away, but all I want is more of this tasty punch Lauren mixed for us.

My hands grab his butt, and I pull him close to me with all the force I have. My body longs for him. I long for him. We're so close, so close that I can feel his tip press against my soaked panties. If it wasn't for the little fabric between us, he'd be pushing himself right into me.

Nobody is paying attention to me as I enter the room again, so I refill my glass unnoticed by anyone. They're all so focused on Christina's description of being attacked by moths. For once, I'm thankful she can be so theatrical.

"I want to do it." I'm proud how strong and determined my voice sounds. "Tris," he hisses, his hands flying to my cheeks. "Tobias," I respond, and then a chuckle fights its way out of my mouth at seeing his expression. By no chance can he hide that he wasn't expecting me to say this.

I nervously tip my foot on the linoleum floor while Lynn is talking about one of the obstacles in her landscape. Why does this meeting take so long? Although it's interesting to hear about the other initiate's fears, I'm becoming impatient. I want to see Tobias.

"So what is the right reason?" And why is there a distance between our bodies? Tobias kisses me with agonizing gentleness, way too soft for my liking. "Love", he says, and my body and brain explode with desire for him. "Then this is the right time, no matter how many drinks I've had. They don't change what I'm feeling for you."

I turn around after saying a hurried goodbye to my friends. "Hey, don't you want to hang out with us? Let's just go to some nice place and chill," Uriah calls after me, but I don't have time to explain anything. "No, thanks, I'm tired," I shout back while I turn and jog backwards a little, so I can at least wave goodbye. "Yeah, you seem very tired," Uriah grins at me, shaking his head.

"Where are you going?"— "I think it's easier for both of us if I take the couch tonight."— "You've never slept on the couch since we are together." —"There's a first time for everything." — "Except for us." —"There will be. We'll have so many more nights to spend together." — "But I want you tonight."— "I'm sorry, Tris, but you can't have me tonight."

I gasp as I remember how he told me that I'd had an overdose of peace serum. I didn't believe it was so bad, but now that the pieces of memories slowly reconnect and form a complete picture, I realize that my soundness of mind was probably more affected than I would have thought possible last night. Oh my, how did I behave?

I sit up and lay my head on my knees as familiar heat crawls up my cheeks. It's embarrassing how I threw myself at him, even after he told me that he couldn't go on making out with me because I wasn't in control of my free will, how I tried to argue with him that I wanted to use my newfound fearlessness until he finally decided to sleep on the couch. I raise my head to peek over at the sofa and cringe when I see his cushion and a crumpled blanket still lying there, silent evidence that my memories don't betray me.

I stay motionless for a while in a useless attempt of waiting for my embarrassment to pass, but it won't leave. Finally, I give up and get to my feet. Unfortunately, I won't be able to hide in his apartment all day. I have to get ready for my final fear landscape training, and after that I have one last training session with Tobias. I'd prefer to talk to him in private before that to apologize for my behavior last night.

When I arrive at the fear landscape room, I freeze in the door. I completely forgot about yesterday's aspect of my fear of intimacy, but now it painfully jumps to the forefront of my mind with a giant leap: Lauren is not the only one supervising the simulations today. Beside her, wearing his usual condescending smirk, arms crossed in front of his muscular chest, stands Eric.

Tobias

I look for Lauren in the cafeteria and directly walk over to where she's sitting. I don't care that she's having breakfast, that she's together with her friends, or that she looks tired. I don't want to sit down in here, with so many people around, when I'd rather want to shout at her.

"I need a word with you. Meet me at the initiate's training room after breakfast," I say without further explanation.

Lauren looks at me with an expression that I can't name. It could be annoyance or anger, or just indifference, or exhaustion. I'm really not sure.

"I have the fear landscapes after breakfast."

"I know. But I still need to talk to you. The initiate's won't mind if you get there ten minutes later."

We stare at each other as if the first one to flinch was the one to lose.

"Why don't you talk here?" her friend suggests, apparently catching the tense mood. She has no idea what we're talking about, she shouldn't intervene. Man, I don't even know her name.

"No, it's about the initiates, and it requires privacy," I say coldly to shut her up, and it works. She shrugs and resumes eating her cereals.

"Fine, I'll come. You get ten minutes," Lauren gives in when she realizes I won't drop the issue.

"I'll wait."

I pass by the food counter and leave the cafeteria with two muffins to eat on the way. I'm not in the mood to sit down. While Tris was kind of cute last night, I need to know how this could have happened. With initiation just a day away, I started becoming restless the moment I woke up this morning. While during the last days I've been able to push the thought of it to the back of my mind, suddenly it has become impossible to shove away.

I start boxing in the training room to get the anxiety out of my body, but it's so present that neither the energy I burn in my muscles nor the pain in my knuckles do much to diminish it. At best, it numbs it a little.

I stop attacking the punching bag when I hear Lauren clear her throat behind me.

"I get that your nerves are strained, but there's no need to talk to me as if I was one of your initiates in front of my friends. Do that again and you'll get yourself into a serious fight with me."

That woman has got some nerve.

"So will you if you drug my girlfriend with peace serum again," I shoot back at her. There's no need to beat around the bush.

"What? She had one drink, like everyone else."

"Wrong Lauren, she refilled her glass various times, so that she was totally over the top when she came back home after your meeting."

"Oh... I'm sorry, I didn't notice that she drank more than the others."

"What happened to leaving them a choice? She didn't even know that she was taking peace serum!"

"How can you be angry about that? She wasn't supposed to know, just like anybody else. I won't make an exception for her, Four, even if she's your girlfriend. I don't know if you told her about it by now, but the initiate's aren't allowed to know, and so isn't anyone else apart from the two of us and Eric — who, by the way, stopped by yesterday before the meeting to tell me I was to pour the serum into the punch and just hand it out instead of saying anything about it. So, if I didn't leave them a choice, it was because I was forbidden to do so."

I forgot that Lauren doesn't know that the peace serum idea was brought up by Tris' brother, and that she was the one telling me we should find a way to get it from Amity.

"Take a deep breath, Four, and calm down. I think the serum worked well on the majority of initiates, they really opened up about their fears, and they left in a relaxed mood."

"Well, Tris was far too relaxed. You know, she had forgotten that she has a fear of intimacy and wanted to sleep with me. If she hadn't let slip something about the many sweet drinks that had made her feel so comfortable with it, and if that hadn't raised my suspicions, maybe we would have had sex and both regret it today."

Lauren's sharp intake of breath tells me she didn't expect this turn of events.

"I'm sorry, Four, that never was my intention. Tris is smaller and thinner than the others, maybe the first dose was already enough to let her forget about being cautious and made her help herself to more punch."

I sigh. Lauren's apology seems to be honest.

"Well, take care it won't happen again."

"You can take care of that, cause you're supposed to drink with the initiates this afternoon after training. — Don't get mad at me again, it's not my decision. It's Eric's order."

I clench my hands into fists. Now I have to be the one who gives them a serum without their knowledge. It bothers me more than I thought it would, maybe because I wouldn't want to get some without my consent myself.

"So, if you'll excuse me now, I have work to do."

"Sure," I mutter, and once Lauren has left, I turn back towards the punching bag and thrash it while I imagine Eric's smug face on it.

XXX

Eric is not in his office when I go there later to talk to him about my peace serum task. Instead, I meet Max in the hallway in front of his office.

"Four, how can I help you?"

"Actually, I was looking for Eric."

"He won't be back to his office until early afternoon."

"Oh, okay. I can't come up here then, I have to train the initiates this afternoon."

"Well, if it's urgent, you can ask him if he can take a break for a moment."

I nod. "So where can I find him?"

"He decided to watch the initiate's fear landscapes today, so that's where you'll find him."

My heart sinks into nothingness. Shit! I didn't even have a chance to talk to Tris about yesterday's simulation, so I have no idea if I'm still a part of it. Shit, shit, shit! I have to go there quickly and think of a way to help her out of this. It takes a lot of effort not to turn and take off running immediately.

"Then I'll go there. It won't take long. Thank you, Max."

Yeah, and now I say thank you to the other official traitor of our faction. Great.

I force myself to walk at normal speed until I'm around the corner and can't be seen anymore. That's when I start to sprint towards the staircase. But on the way there I decide to take the elevator instead of the stairs. Tris constantly faces her fears to overcome them, so I can at least take a leaf out of her book to get to help her now.

Once the elevator doors close and trap me inside the moving box of silver metal, I don't wish for this ride to be over because I can't stand being stuck in here out of fear, but because I want to get to Tris as fast as possible.

DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.