So here is the next chapter - finally. I'm sorry it took me longer than usual to update this time. I was really busy those last weeks over the holidays, and I also wrote another Fourtris story (An unexpected Christmas Eve), that I wanted to get ready on time for Christmas.
I'm traveling again now, so I don't always have Internet connection and it can take me a little from update to update. I'll try to keep posting every 1-2 weeks, like I promised. Thanks for your patience and all your lovely reviews! I can't respond to anonymous reviews, but I was especially happy that my story could captivate someone who doesn't read fanfiction anymore.

And even if the first of January is already a week ago, I wish all of you a happy and healthy new year 2018!

Chapter 39

Tris

I have to stop myself from nervously tipping my foot on the floor, from jumping up to walk around, from biting my nails and redoing my ponytail every two minutes. For the first time since she found out, I'm thankful that Lauren knows about Tobias' and my secret. She talked Eric into letting the Dauntless initiates go first to buy me time. She told him how proud she was of them and that she couldn't wait to show him how well she had prepared them.

But, although I'm trying very hard, I can't think of a way to skip my landscape without drawing unwanted attention to me. I don't even know if I have to be afraid of my landscape anymore. Maybe Tobias isn't in it any longer. After all, I told him I wanted to sleep with him yesterday, but perhaps it doesn't count for my subconscious because of my clouded state of mind.

It becomes harder to remain calm as initiate after initiate goes through their landscape and my turn is drawing nearer. I can't decide if Christina's subtle attempts to calm me actually help or make it worse by giving me the feeling that there really is a reason for which my nerves have to be soothed.

"Pedrad, you're next!" Eric barks.

Marlene hugs Uriah tightly before he leaves with Lauren, and now she and Lynn are the only two Dauntless born left.

What if I'm next right after them? It would be very much like Eric to call me in first of the transfers, me, the first jumper, the skinny girl, the stiff.

Lauren comes back in, and I wonder why Uriah follows her when the door opens again just a few seconds later.

I'm caught by surprise upon seeing Tobias. He's here! I'm so happy to see him, although I know the reason why he's here is that my simulations could get us into trouble soon. I love him for coming here to face the situation together with me.

Our eyes meet for just a second, and his face gives away nothing. He looks over all the other initiates before he goes over to join Lauren and Eric. They talk quietly, and I can only pick up single words of their conversation over the chatter in the room.

Fear landscape — instructor— supervising—interested—final exams.

It's not more than a minute before Tobias leaves again, and I'm momentarily bewildered, a hollow feeling sinking into my stomach. He doesn't stay?

Christina takes my hand, as she must notice how confused I am, so that's what I focus on until Eric calls Lynn up to go next. Raising my head, I meet Lauren's gaze and see her blink twice behind Eric's back. What is it that she's trying to tell me? Is there a plan?

There must be. Tobias would never leave me alone in this situation if he didn't have a reason to do so. Of course, he must have a plan, or he would have stayed. Different scenarios race through my mind while Lynn and Marlene go through their landscapes. Now there are only transfers left in the room.

My heart pounds madly while Eric scrutinizes us as if he tried to figure out whose fears might be the most promising to keep him entertained. Looking at him now and then earlier, while he was watching the others confronting their fears, made it obvious how he takes pleasure out of our anxieties, at least to me. To him, it's nothing but a good show. I have no doubt he'd look at all of us the same way if he was able to make us fight for him like mindless soldiers under the influence of control serum.

"I'd like to take a break, would you like to have coffee, too?" Lauren asks Eric, distracting him from us with her hand on his shoulder.

"Yeah, that'll help us stay awake during these landscapes. Their fears are kind of boring and repetitive this year," he laughs condescendingly, and I want to kick his arrogant ass for that comment.

Perhaps I don't have my facial expression under control the way I thought I had.

"You, stiff! Go and fetch us two big cups of coffee from the cafeteria. And they'd better still be hot when you get back here, so hurry up."

I jump up, nod and get out as fast as I can. When I reach the path leading down to the pit, I lean back against the cold stone wall to take a few deep breaths. I wish I could just run—run from my fears, run from Eric, run from the possibility of imminent war.

But then...

That would not be me.

I'm stronger than that.

I can face my fears, I can face Eric, and I can even face the consequences of whatever my mind comes up with during the simulations.

And I realize that my priority has changed. Although I still deeply want to pass initiation, there's one much more important goal: I'm going to destroy Eric and Jeanine's plan in every way that I can, whether as a Dauntless member or from the outside.

This thought makes me feel stronger than ever, my determination strengthened by the decision I make.

I won't stop before Eric and his fellow traitors are sentenced to their just punishments.

XXX

Tobias stands beside Lauren and Eric when I get back. I wordlessly hand over the coffee and avoid looking at him. I'm afraid of showing my affection for him if I meet his eyes. But he starts talking to me before I can sit down with the others again.

"Do you feel better now, or are you still nauseous? Uriah said you didn't feel well this morning."

Oh, this is the plan? We'll tell Eric I'm sick? That seems a little too simple to get away with. But okay, it's worth a try if he thinks it could work.

"It was a bit better after sitting here for a while, but now, after running down to the pit and back up, it's getting worse again."

"Then take a seat and rest a bit. We'll see how you'll manage your landscape later."

"Thanks," I mumble as I sit down again beside Christina and try to fake a tired expression.

Tobias has taken over the duty to lead the initiates over to the landscape room and inject them. It always takes a minute longer than when it was Lauren's turn. Christina whispers to me that he said he was going to give each initiate some last minute advice.

When Eric calls me to go next, I force myself to move slower than usual to keep up the lie.

Once we're outside and alone, Tobias pulls me into a tight embrace.

"Just tell me, was I in your landscape yesterday?" he asks in a low voice.

"Yes."

There's no time for further explanations now.

"I went to get a serum from the infirmary that will make you feel sick for real and cause nausea, so you can get out of your landscape early. You can get the antidote at the infirmary shortly afterwards and you'd quickly be better again. You want to take it?"

"What's the alternative?" I say. Of course I take it.

"We could also risk being outed and face the consequences together."

"No, not today. We can't decide that now, here. We didn't even speak about that. No, give me that serum."

"I'll have to inject it, too," he informs me as he takes out a small syringe with a transparent liquid in it. He takes off the cap from the needle. Ugg, it looks big.

I close my eyes. Tobias tilts my head gently despite the urgency and caresses my cheek with his thumb while injecting me twice with the different serums.

"Ready," he says. "I'll come to take you to the infirmary as soon as I can."

"I trust you."

I don't notice any difference in my body yet, but it won't be long until the simulation begins. Tobias holds open the door to the fear landscape room for me, and I step inside.

I wait for whatever is going to happen next, and soon my surroundings change. Taking a look around, I see that I'm in the meadow, and the bunch of crows above me is already flying in my direction. But before they can reach me, the floor seems to be lifted from under my feet. I stumble sideways to keep myself from falling.

I have to say, that serum is quite strong... The projection around me is spinning, and my pulse accelerates. Oh, this is horrible... I crouch down, just to try to prevent hurting myself when I fall. My blood is roaring in my ears, so loud that I can't hear the crows caw anymore. I look up, but I can't see them either with my blurred vision. Black enters my view from the sides, blocking the world from my sight.

XXX

Silent. It is too silent.

I carefully open my eyes and am blinded by white neon lights on the ceiling above me. This is not the fear landscape room. I'm not there anymore. My stomach clenches as I remember the horrible sensation of passing out.

I look around. I must be in a hospital bed in the infirmary. An infusion is dripping a clear liquid into my arm, and a monitor beeps in sync with my heart's beating.

The door to my left opens and Shauna walks up to my side.

"Hey, Tris, you're awake. Do you feel better?"

"Yes, I think. I'm just very thirsty."

"Wait, I'll give you some water."

She walks over to the sink to fill a glass for me, and I thankfully accept it and raise it to my dry lips.

"You collapsed during your simulation. The serum's effect was a bit stronger than I expected. I'm sorry I didn't consider your weight when I gave it to Four, but he was in such a hurry and so upset that I didn't have time for it."

"That's okay, you helped us after all. Do you know if it worked?"

"Yes. Four carried you all the way down here, but he wasn't able to stay. He checked on you again after the last landscape was finished, but then he had to leave to train the other initiates. Eric was with him, too. Once he had seen that you were still unconscious, he decided that you don't have to repeat your sim today."

"Then maybe it was a good thing that you didn't adapt the dose to my size," I smile at Shauna, relieve flooding me.

"Yes, maybe, though I didn't do it on purpose. You'll have to stay here until Four picks you up after training. He warned me not to let you go without him. He was furious with me when he brought you here and the antidote wouldn't wake you up immediately. You just blinked twice, sighed and then fell into a deep sleep."

"I'm sorry. I can imagine that he got angry."

"It was out of fear, I assume. I've seen lots of people react like that when someone they love is brought in unconscious or injured. It's one way to deal with the stress and anxiety of that situation."

I swallow. It must have been so hard for Tobias to drop me off here without being able to stay.

"I understand, but like you said, you didn't do it on purpose. Neither of us had much time to think about what we were doing. Four shouldn't have taken it out on you. I know what he's like when he gets angry."

"Well, I have been friends with him for so long now, but I've never seen him like this before. His feelings for you must be very strong."

I don't know how to respond to that. I can't tell Shauna that her observations secretly make me happy.

"What did you tell the doctors why I'm here?" I change the topic.

"Oh, I had to resort to a slightly nasty method. There's a doctor I witnessed stealing performance enhancing substances last month, so I requested him to look at you without asking questions."

"Wow, Shauna! I didn't think you would do such a thing!"

"Why not? It's a Dauntless technique. I hold evidence against him, so he owed me the favor. Now we can both forget that it happened."

"Anyway, thank you, Shauna. Even if I have to leave tomorrow, I'll never forget you did that for me and Four."

"I'm sure you won't leave. I don't know what fear it is that you're afraid of being thrown out for, but I wish you all the strength you need to pass your exam. - I'll go and fetch the doctor, so he can clear you to leave, and then you'll wait here until Four comes to pick you up. You still have plans for tonight."

"Plans?"

If he didn't tell her about my fear, what else is she referring to? Did he possibly tell her we might have sex tonight? It's none of her business, no matter if she helped us to get out of trouble today.

"Don't panic, it's just another Allegiant meeting. Apparently, Caleb and Cara finished producing the vaccine. Your brother sent a message to your communicator. Four took it out of your pocket when he left you here, so it wouldn't fall into the wrong hands. He told me about the message when he came to check on you. And Zeke has news to share, too."

Oh, the Allegiant. I relax back into the cushion. Finally, there are some good news today.

DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.