Sorry this took so long, I have little access to the Internet at the moment. But here is the next chapter, and it's at least a bit longer than the last ones. Thanks for your patience!

Chapter 40

Tris

"Are you sure we're not walking too fast?" Tobias asks me for the third time since he picked me up from the infirmary.

"No, I already told you that I'm fine— twice."

"Yes, I remember, but I know how stubborn you can be."

I snort and shake my head as I continue walking home in front of him. I'm fine, except that I'm still tired. I'll need a coffee before going over to Zeke after dinner.

Tobias insists on cooking for me in his kitchen, so nobody will see me out in the cafeteria after my breakdown. In this case, 'cooking' means to warm up soup from a tin from his small supplies. I don't mind it, though, I'm simply looking forward to getting something into my rumbling stomach soon.

What I do mind is Tobias' overprotective behavior. He keeps treating me as if I was seriously sick, although there is nothing wrong with me. Defeated, I watch him work in the kitchen from the chair he placed me in, and I even stay seated when he begins to set the table for us.

"Will you at least let me cut the bread?"

"It's no problem, I can do it."

"It's no problem if I do it either."

"You should rest."

"I rested all afternoon, I'm fine. I don't feel any effect from the serum anymore."

"Shauna said you should take things slow tonight."

"Cutting bread into slices isn't the most exhausting activity I can think of."

I didn't notice getting up on my feet, but I find myself standing, facing Tobias.

"You're being as stubborn as only you can be," he says with a complimentary sigh as he hands me the wooden board with the bread and a knife.

"Really? You're not being stubborn tonight?" I reply, my eyes still looking up into his.

There's a moment of quiet tension before his muscles relax, and he rolls his eyes at me and starts shaking his head, humor suddenly crawling up on his face. I mirror his gestures with a smile, and the next thing I know is that we're holding each other tightly.

"I'll stop being stubborn if you stop, too. I don't want to argue with you," he says.

"Deal," I mumble into his chest, breathing in his scent. He's still a bit sweaty from training.

He kisses my hair and I feel his breath on my head, feel how his chest rises and falls. His heartbeat is soothingly steady and his arms fit around me perfectly.

Tobias is the first to move. His grip on my waist tightens the tiniest bit, and so does mine on his shoulders in response. It's enough to show each other that we're willing to forget about our argument. Instead, another fight begins, a more playful one about who can touch more of the other's body.

Tobias' hands are almost everywhere as he kisses me feverishly. I take off his sweatshirt and roam my hands over his naked skin hungrily, then pull my lips away from his to kiss his nipples and make him groan. I love to hear his lust, and the desire for him is stronger than any fear. He pulls my pullover over my head and takes off my bra before I'm back in his embrace and we're walking towards his bed in mini steps while we keep kissing and caressing each other.

We fall into the chaos of cushions and sheets on his bed, and he rolls me onto my back before I pull him onto me. I grind my hips against his hardness as I crash my lips on his. Tobias turns us over, and his hands move down my back and into my pants to knead my bottom. I let my fingers glide under the waistband of his sweatpants in response.

A high-pitched beeping sound suddenly vaults us back into the world.

"Shit, the fire alarm," Tobias swears.

I hurry to move aside, so he can get up. I watch him fumble with the triangular gadget on the ceiling until the disturbing sound has stopped. Then he carries the steaming pot of soup from the stove into the sink.

"Okay, uhm... I think we can still eat the bread?" he asks dryly after sniffing at the soup.

"That's fine. I think I finally found something you're not good at," I giggle, unable to contain it. Tobias' overstrained expression is priceless.

"I want to see you cook with that kind of distraction," he laughs.

My stomach rumbles loudly, as if on command, when Tobias bows down in front of the opened fridge.

Then he sits down again beside me and offers me his shirt that he grabs from somewhere. I slide it over my head, and we start our dinner that now consists of bread and cheese.

"So all of today's show, was it worth it after all? I mean, what was your fear of intimacy like yesterday?"

"It was actually a fear of pregnancy. Intimacy wasn't actually a part of it, but you were. I had to tell you I was pregnant to move on to the next fear."

I carefully study his face.

"Oh, I thought of a lot of different scenarios, but that wasn't one of it. We have the condoms to prevent that."

"Yes, I know, but still."

"Tris, I haven't thought about contraception not working, it seems to work for everyone. There hasn't been a teenage pregnancy for years. But of course we'd be in it together. Don't ever think I'd run away from you if you accidentally got pregnant. I'd consider it as something that would happen to us, not just to you."

His answer makes me smile.

"You know why there are no teenage pregnancies anymore?"

I tell him about the birth control pills every girl except the ones from Abnegation are taking, and it is as new to Tobias as it was to me.

"I took the opportunity to ask Shauna how safe it is, and she said it's almost a hundred percent. Only one of thousand girls would get pregnant during five years of using it as contraception, so I don't think this fear will be an issue anymore tomorrow. I even let Shauna check my blood, and, as I expected, I don't have any contagious disease. So, given you get yourself tested and you want it, we don't really need the condoms."

"And now I took home half the infirmary's free supplies," Tobias jokes before turning serious again. "But of course I'll stop by in the infirmary as soon as I can."

We keep eating in silence until I clear my throat and blurt out, "You should hurry with that."

"Hurry with what? Dinner?"

Apparently his mind has wandered off.

"Having your blood tested."

"Tris!"

Tobias lets his hand with his bread sink and looks over at me in surprise.

"I was just thinking... it would be good."

"Yeah, okay. You're right. I promise I'll go there very soon."

He still watches me from the corner of his eye while my heart is beating strangely fast, and from one moment to the other, I'm not hungry anymore. I'm too nervous all of a sudden. There's one question that's been on my mind the entire day: What are we going to do once we come back home later?

I'm too nervous to bring it up, and it doesn't feel like the right moment. I can't shake the feeling, though, that he's asking himself the same question.

After dinner, I watch Tobias clean up the kitchen, still shirtless, this handsome boy that I have magically fallen in love with, and who magically loves me back.

When he notices my eyes on him, he sets aside the plate he was drying. However, he keeps the towel and twists it in his hands.

"Uhm, I was just wondering how soon."

I stare at him, trying to figure out what he's referring to.

He clears his throat. "I mean the test. How soon is soon?"

Oh — that's what he's talking about.

"Just as soon as you can. Or want."

Heat rises in my cheeks as he nods. Does he think I sound needy now? I look at the towel he's still playing with. Maybe... the question he asks is not the question he wants an answer to?

"Tobias — are we still talking about the test?"

"What do you mean?"

"I thought maybe you were referring to tonight."

I let out a deep breath. So the subject is brought up now.

"Oh, tonight. Yeah, I guess we should talk about tonight."

"Would you please put that towel aside? It's distracting to watch you torture it."

"I'm sorry. Perhaps I'm just as nervous as you are."

He gives me a crooked smile as he finally throws the fabric over the back of a chair and takes both my hands in his, giving me confidence.

"Do you want to sit down again?" he asks.

"Yes."

We go back to his bed and both need a moment to find a position we're comfortable in, as if we were trying to steal a little more time to think before starting this conversation. I'm nervous about what I want to tell him, but I know what my decision is.

We've just managed to get ready to talk when we're disturbed by a knock on the door.

"Damn," Tobias mutters as he gets up.

I hurry to get out of the bed, too. It would be okay to be seen together in his apartment after what happened this afternoon, just an instructor taking care of an initiate who only recently got discharged from the infirmary, but not in his bed.

But we don't have to worry, since it's Uriah at the door. Apparently, there's been a misunderstanding regarding the time for the meeting, so everybody's waiting for us at Zeke's.

"Can you wait a minute for us? Outside?" Tobias asks him.

"Sure."

Then he faces me again as soon as we're alone, regret and slight annoyance visible in his features.

"I very much hope that we'll be back soon to talk about... what we wanted to talk about," he sighs, and I can only nod. I understand why he doesn't want to go, since I don't want to leave his place either. As important as the Allegiant meeting is, it isn't my priority tonight.

In the end, we leave separately, and I get to Zeke's apartment about ten minutes after Tobias, or at least that's the time difference with which we left his apartment. Apparently he went somewhere outside to talk to Shauna and apologize to her.

I take a seat on the couch and am immediately bombarded with questions about my health, except from Christina. Apart from her, nobody knows the real reason why I had to go to the infirmary. Not even Zeke seems to be informed. I'm inwardly thanking Shauna for not babbling to him despite her fight with Tobias.

I'm relieved they both seem relaxed and back on speaking terms with each other when they come back fifteen minutes later. I wonder what took them so long, but I guess they just had a lot to talk about.

Tobias

Zeke starts the meeting by letting us know what he found out about the device I found in the Amity fields.

In my opinion, he uses the opportunity to boast about how difficult it has been to switch it on and read the information out of it, giving us an unnecessarily detailed description of every little step he had to take. It's kind of amusing how admiringly Shauna looks at him. I bet this would be a lot faster if it wasn't for her presence.

Finally, Zeke pauses for effect before he finally tells us what we're all waiting for.

"And, believe it or not, this transmitter belongs to nobody other than Eric Coulter himself."

I have to say I'm not overly surprised by that revelation. It fits perfectly.

"Eric definitely wasn't there the day I and the other Dauntless were in Amity. He personally sent me to accompany them that very morning, and Johanna didn't mention him when I talked to her, and I bet she would have if she knew anything about him being involved."

"Okay, so let's find out what Eric was doing there. Maybe that'll help us figure out some more about their strategy,"Uriah sums it up pretty well.

Unfortunately, nobody has a good idea on that matter. Every theory we come up with is too weak, and we can basically prove all of them wrong fairly quickly.

I notice Tris doesn't contribute anything to the discussion. I wonder if her thoughts are somewhere else — perhaps with me, in my apartment...

'Focus, Tobias!', I remind myself.

So inopportune that we were interrupted earlier, when I had just brought up the courage to tell her what I want.

I wonder if she's so silent because her thoughts have strayed off or because she's too exhausted from the afternoon or if she's polishing an idea. Watching her concentrated expression for a while, I conclude that she's deep into thought, but still serious.

"Tris, what is your opinion?" I ask, wanting her to share her theory with us.

She clears her throat before she starts to speak.

"I'm not sure about this theory, but what if Eric staged the whole robbery? What if he was the thief? I mean, don't we all agree that he was at Amity at some point? There wasn't much time after the Amity noticed someone had trespassed on their compound and before Four was there with the other Dauntless, so Eric must have gone there before or while anything was stolen, or he was involved himself."

"But why would he steal Amity tools? They are of no use in Dauntless," Uriah objects.

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking, too. But I have an idea about that. Just, please don't say it's ridiculous, I'm not sure if this could be the reason. Four told me they had to load their trucks with food supplies before going back to Dauntless, which was a direct order from our leaders. It was convenient and didn't raise suspicions, but what if the reason for the whole act was exactly that? To fill the Dauntless store rooms with extra food?"

"But of what use would that be?" Will interrupts her.

Man, let her finish! I think at least I get where she's heading with this. Apparently, Uriah does, too.

"Because having enough supplies would come in very handy if there was an attack resulting into a war, and the Amity stopped providing us with food."

"Oh, I didn't think of that," Will replies, looking a little taken aback.

"I think that makes sense. At least it's by far the best explanation any of us has come up with so far," I support Tris.

We elaborate the issue a little more before we change the topic to Caleb's message. I still have Tris' device with me, so I hand it around for everybody to read.

Hi,
how's it going? For me, everything is perfect by now. I guess tomorrow is our big day. I'm looking forward to becoming a member in the afternoon, although I'd prefer taking my last exam in the morning. That way, I wouldn't have to think of it half of the day. Maybe I'll set my alarm to ten, so I can sleep in and shorten my waiting time. Anyway, good luck!

"It's not hard to translate his text into his message to us: Meet me tomorrow at ten to pick up the finished serum," I explain.

Zeke is the only one in our group who is free to go. I'll have to oversee the exams that Tris, Uriah, Christina and Will are going to take, and Shauna has to work, too.

"Thanks for trusting me with this important task," he says, bowing down in front of us.

"Don't be so conceited about it, bro," Uriah slaps him hard on his shoulder.

"Says my little initiate brother," Zeke shoots back at him with a big grin.

"Just for one more day!"

"Yeah, so that means it's probably one of my last opportunities to tease you about it."

After they've calmed down again thanks to an interference from Shauna, we continue planning our next steps, which we manage to do rather fast: Zeke is going to fetch the serum and Shauna is going to mix it into tomorrow night's party punch — just like Lauren did with the peace serum. The majority of Dauntless members will be around to raise their glasses to the new members.

I wonder if Tris will be among them. That thought keeps my mind occupied during my way back home. She left before me with Will and Christina, and she's already waiting for me in my apartment, leaning with her back against the wall next to the door.

I take off my shoes and jacket, and then I stand there in my hall, wondering what to do.

Now there's no more chance for us to avoid this conversation, now it's just me and her, alone, on the night before initiation.

Our awareness of that fact is what makes the atmosphere strange and unusually tense.

"Tris, are you alright?"

"Yes. It's just... a strange situation."

"I think we need to talk."

"We should. Maybe we can sit down first?"

"Sure."

We go over to my bed and sit on the edge beside each other.

"We don't have to do anything," I say as I take Tris' hand in mine.

"I know," she whispers.

And then she looks up, and I see so many emotions in her eyes. I don't know what she's looking for in mine, but after a while she smiles shyly and kisses me, very slowly. It reminds me of our first kiss down by the roaring waters of the chasm.

She kisses me along my jaw and up to my ear, and there she pauses. I feel her warm breath caress my skin several times before she whispers, "Tobias, I think I'm ready."

Even though I was expecting her to say this someday, hearing it for real is an entirely different experience. I wish I could believe her without a doubt. I know it's a delicate conversation, so I turn her head to me gently.

"Tris, you can't imagine how wonderful it feels to hear you say that."

I hesitate, and it's not lost on her.

"But?" she whispers, and she sounds confused and a little hurt. Maybe I just imagine it.

"How do you know there's a 'but'?"

"The way you ended your sentence."

I swallow.

"I don't want you to think you want it, I want you to know it," I explain, never losing eye contact with her.

"It was only a spontaneous choice of words. I didn't practice what I wanted to say to you."

She gazes at a spot on the wall somewhere behind me now.

"Please, Tris, don't feel as if you needed to defend yourself. I didn't mean it like that. I didn't write a speech either."

"Then let me reword it: I know I'm ready to... be intimate with you."

She looks at me pleadingly, and I'm sure she wishes with all her willpower that I believe her.

"I'm so, so happy to hear you say that. Please believe me when I say this. But Tris — tonight I am not ready to take that step. It's just... hey, don't look away, Tris. Please let me explain. It's just that I thought about having sex with you a lot recently. For a while, I was convinced I was ready for it, and in general I am. But I realized this is not how I want it. It's the first time for both of us, so it should only be about the two of us. I want the only reason for us to have sex is because we both want it— and nothing else."

"And if I tell you that I want it?"

"This is so hard to describe. There's a small part of me that's afraid that a part of your decision was formed by the circumstances. And before you tell me it's not — think about it. You can't even know it yourself, because you'll never know how you would have decided if the situation was different."

I watch her think as she considers my words. I hope I have explained it well enough, because I don't know how to phrase it differently. I'm relieved when Tris slowly nods after a while.

"Do you think it is the same as when you're telling me how much you like my body and I'm having difficulties to fully believe you?"

"You still have?"

"It's getting easier."

"Well, it's not exactly the same, but it's a good comparison." My voice turns into a whisper as I add, "You know, when I remember our first time in twenty or more years from now, I want to remember that we did it out of love."

"Oh Tobias," she sighs, and pulls me into her arms. "The way you say it, not doing it tonight sounds more romantic than doing it. But be assured, I love you tonight as much as tomorrow night, as much as the nights and days coming after that. I'm sure of it. Nothing that happens tomorrow could change that."

"Tris, you are so important to me, and what we have is so precious. It's more important than any faction could ever be. And if that means we have to leave Dauntless because our idiot leaders send us away, then that's what I want. You are my future, Tris, whether in or out of Dauntless."

Once I started speaking, the words came flowing out of my mouth, and I know this confession might be a little over the top, since we've only been together for a relatively short time, but I'm tired of locking my feelings away. Tris deserves to know them.

"Do you really love me that much?"

"Completely."

"Then I'd be honored to become factionless with you, should that be what happens to us tomorrow. Although I don't think it will. I don't expect you to be in my landscape anymore."

And she kisses me, stronger this time, and we fall backwards onto the bed. We're lying beside each other, getting closer by each minute, until I have to stop us.

"As noble as I might have sounded earlier, don't challenge my self-control," I pant.

Tris grins at me mischievously. "I'll memorize how to do that for tomorrow night."

"If you still want it by then, I'd love you to challenge it, and I'm sure you'd win."

"And do you really think you'll still remember that twenty years from now?"

"Even in forty, or more." She's content with my answer, I can see it. "Oh, and Tris — I went to the infirmary with Shauna earlier to have my blood checked."

"And?"

"And — quote — we're 'officially free to have as much sex as we want'."

I still cringe as I remember Shauna's forward phrasing that additionally included the words 'dirty', 'wild' and 'sweaty', followed by her laughter and the confession that she just wanted to try if she could make me blush again. Well, she was successful, and I didn't even dare to complain because I had just apologized to her.

"Uhm, I think we should start with once," Tris mumbles.

"Once sounds great."

I kiss her forehead and cuddle her close to me.

DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.