Author's Note: I started writing and publishing my fanfiction because I didn't like how my favorite characters were being treated by their Creators. Whether it was the relatively minor frustration of looking at two characters and screaming 'FOR GOD'S SAKE, KISS AND MAKE BABIES BEFORE JUDGEMENT DAY COMES!' or the lasting hurt of major character ruination and/or killing/writing off in various horrible ways, I wanted to write my own stories for them where they could all be nurtured and happy.
Where SCANDAL has taken Olivia Pope's character, both as an individual and as a romantic leading lady has disgusted me to the core. She is a mere shadow of the Olivia that I came to adore and there is very little hope for her canon recovery at this point. Hopefully, I'm wrong about that because she truly deserves better than what she's been given. I rightfully place the blame solely on Shonda Rhimes' shoulders and since her Hubris has yet to be fully addressed and dealt with by ABC (her day of Titan Toppling is coming, though. 5candal in particular is gonna haunt her for the rest of her career, mark my words!), it's up to fic writers. It's up to us who still genuinely adore Olivia and want her to get better and have joy.
Liv has needed psychological help since the Pilot and 'Thwack' (5x17) was the straw that broke this Gladiator in a Hoodie's camel's back, pardon the rhyme. I need to see how Season 5 ends before I can feel comfortable enough to write a solo Fix-it Fic for it (II Corinthians is a joint project) but I can operate within Season 1-4's established (and disregarded) canon nicely.
I don't know how long this fic is going to be. I never do with my WIPs. The Road Not Taken was supposed to be 15 chapters and it became 35. Loose was supposed to be a quick college one shot and it became 25 chapters. The Thunderbolt is likely going to end up in the 40s someplace and Shattering Expectations? Who knows? It'll probably last as long as the show does and a little bit after. It depends on how Season 6, the alleged last season, plays out.
What I do know that in this fic and in all of my SCANDAL fics, chaptered or otherwise, at the end of day, Olivia Pope will be okay, pardon the second rhyme. In my hands, I promise that she'll be happy solo and she will be happy in a relationship with a good man or at least on the road to recovery and some form of redemption. That's all I really want for her, now.
Disclaimer: "Honestly, it's not mine!"
Diagnosis of and Treatment for all my mental ailments/disorders:
Mental Ailments/Disorders:
PTSD
Fears of losing control, failure, and happiness (last one tied into control/failure)
Self destructive/loathing
Misplaced guilt
Martyrdom for past misdeeds/hurts inflicted on others
Best options for treatment: Cognitive Behavior Therapy, group therapy, and medications (anti anxiety and antidepressant).
While undergoing Treatment, I should...
Work but have balance. Downtime shouldn't be rare.
Continue: visiting the shooting range, reaching out to Fitz Grant III via phone calls/visits
Add: self defense training (Boxing? MMA? Karate?), new calming hobby (Yoga? Painting?)
Establish/Reestablish Healthy Connections with: Fitz Grant III, Abby Whelan, Stephen Finch, Quinn Perkins, Huck
Minimize Contact /Cut Off: Jake Ballard, Rowan Pope, Maya Pope, Cyrus Beene, Mellie Grant, anyone affiliated with B613 (Franklin Russell from the Wine Bar? Investigate…)
Get at least 4 hours of sleep nightly (with or without nightmares), reduce alcohol intake by 50% (excessive drinking and medications don't mix!), establish a consistent meal plan to follow, continue swimming/running/pilates regimen, REGULARLY COOK MEALS (related project: learn how to make jam!),
PTSD Triggers and Why:
Small dark spaces (the body bag, the Cell…)
Negative emotionally charged situations (high stress can lead to an episode…)
The color RED (the "bunker" doors/blood)
Stevie Wonder's Don't You Worry About A Thing (was playing when the abduction occurred)
The sight and splatter of blood (watching Ms. Lois be shot, shooting "bunker" guard Otto in the head during the "escape", Ian MacCullough's blood splattering on my face during the Auction),
The nickname "Princess" ("do you want to go for a drive, Princess?")…
"My name is Liv. I'm 35 years old. I was officially diagnosed with PTSD during my first cognitive behavior therapy session 2 days ago and…I'm here tonight and will continue coming here because I need help. 3 months, 17 days, and 11 hours ago, I was Taken from my apartment. I was gone for 20 days, 16 hours, 42 minutes, and 36 seconds. I was monitored in a dark and dingy cell. I was given very little food and tepid water. The bathroom was disgusting and the only place I felt safe because my captors would leave me alone in there for 5 minutes at a time. I was threatened with gang rape, with death, with being auctioned off, and I was psychologically tortured until I could escape. With the help of my family and the love of my life, by the Grace of whatever God there is out there, I managed to escape. The people who Took me will never hurt anyone else again. I managed to survive, to escape physically but mentally, I'm still in that horrible place. I'm still scared and raw and I…I can't function like I used to. I used to be able to ignore the pain inside of me. I used to be able to avoid it but I can't anymore. I just…I'm here because I want to get better. I can't do it on my own. I tried. I decided to seek help because I don't want to be functionally broken anymore. I've been functionally broken since I was 12. I want to start healing or at least try to. I know that there isn't a cure for PTSD and I know that my other emotional issues will always be with me but I would like to able to learn how to cope with them in healthy ways. I would like to learn how to feel safe again. I want…I want to be happy. I want to have genuine joy and peace. Until I learn how to conquer my demons, that can't happen and I want it to happen so badly. I have family who love me and count on me. There is a man who loves me unconditionally and I just…I want to start healing, not just for the sake of myself but also so I can show them the same sort of loyalty and devotion that they've shown me. I can't go back to being the old Liv. I don't want to. I want to be a better Liv."
"So, what are you taking?"
"Zoloft and Xanax. The Zoloft is once a day and the Xanax is to be taken as needed."
"Does it…are you getting better? Are the meds helping?"
"It's only been 3 weeks since I've started taking them but I'm sleeping better. I still have nightmares and terrors but it's only one a night. Before, I'd wake up, calm down and then have another one. My mouth gets really dry sometimes and I'm always hungry, which is fine. It gives me more reason to cook again. I'm doing better, Huck. I'm not good but I'm better than I was."
"I'm glad to hear that. I've been really worried about you. All of us have but we didn't know how to help or if you'd let us. Stephen said that…"
"Stephen?"
"He and Abby kept in contact after they got you home. They Skype 3 times a week now, regardless of time differences and work hours. I think they're gonna start having sex again the next time they see each other in person. Now that he's grown up, Stephen would be the best partner for her. David Rosen goes between being a sniveling rat or a poisonous snake in a White Hat. Leo Bergen's an immature prick, an occasionally decent one but still, a prick. She was happiest when she was with Stephen."
"Yeah, she was. How are…have you been able to talk to Kim about what Rowan did to you? See your son?"
"Only a little. She thinks I'm too dangerous to be around him. She's right. Javi deserves better than me."
"Maybe if you started getting help, too. If she could see that you're trying to do better…"
"It won't work. She's done with me and I'm too broken to help, Olivia. I'm a lost cause."
"I said that about myself. I was wrong."
"But, that's different. You're different."
"Look, you don't have to but if you ever want to, I'll get you a consultation with Dr. Beck. She's good. There's also a Group for veterans that meet on Thursdays at the Rec Center where I go on Fridays…"
"I'll think about it. I can't promise anything right now but I'll think about it."
"That's all I ask. Come on. I need to talk to Quinn and you need to be there."
"Why?"
/
"You want to make me a partner? You want to give me half of OPA?Me?"
"Yes, you. Quinn, you kept this Firm open after I abandoned it and left DC. You kept the bills paid and Handled things while still looking for me. You looked for Harrison when he didn't come back. You identified his body and Salif's, made sure that he didn't end up in Potter's Field or in a landfill somewhere. You watched out for Huck. You helped him get the job at the phone store and I know you sent Abby's resume to the White House. You took care of everyone. You protected our family as best as you could. You did everything that I should've done but was too selfish to do so you deserve to be a partner. You've more than earned it."
"Liv, I…wow…I don't know what to say…"
"Will you do it?"
"Yeah…yeah, I'll do it."
"Good. Along with half ownership, you'll get a 15% pay raise, another week of vacation time and you're Second in Command."
"L-like Harrison was?"
"Mm-hm. You can bring in Clients, interview and hire new people, and take point on Cases when I'm unavailable. Here's the paperwork. Look it over with Huck and call me if you have any questions."
Before Olivia could leave the conference room, she had an abrupt armful of Quinn and it was a testament to how far she had come that she didn't stiffen or feel a surge of panic at the full body contact. Olivia returned her hug and was warmed by the pleased look on Huck's face. Part of her treatment plan was to learn how to delegate, how to cede control when necessary. The best place to start was with OPA.
Her work was a core part of her identity, which wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but over the years, it had become a crutch, an avenue of escape. She couldn't or wouldn't Fix herself but she could Fix other people. She couldn't Handle her emotions but she could Handle a Client's, Spin their various woes into something palatable. She couldn't save herself but she could save other people.
When she was The Fixer, The Great and Formidable Olivia Pope, she didn't have to think about all the pain she had inside, the pain she had given to others, especially those who had the audacity to truly care for her. So, she had decided to shake things up.
Huck was happy where he was in the hierarchy but Quinn had been radiating discomfort and a rightful resentment of the order of things. Quinn had been brought into OPA as a Client, as someone to coddle and protect. Time and circumstances had molded her into a formidable woman, a good Gladiator (and B613 affiliate). There would be no OPA without Quinn stepping up while Olivia had decided to try and check out, decided to be Julia Baker.
Making Quinn a full partner, giving her more autonomy, fully acknowledging and appreciating the young woman's loyalty was the right thing to do. The move was best for Quinn, best for OPA, and a very critical step forward in Olivia's overall recovery. Olivia had to be more than the sum of her parts. She had to be more than The Fixer if she was going to heal properly.
With a quiet sniffle, Quinn ended the hug but held her hands, looking every bit of wide eyed, innocent Lindsay Dwyer. She was smiling broadly and she was shaking with excitement.
"I won't let you down, Liv. I promise."
"I know."
/
Knocking at her apartment door made her set down her carton of frozen yogurt before grabbing her gun. Olivia still felt the need to have her Colt .45 within reach but it wasn't as pressing.
She was getting better. Slowly but surely, she was getting better.
Who was at the door? She wasn't expecting any company. Quinn and Huck were sitting in his Domain when she left for the day, absorbed in watching what looked to be a local soccer game. Abby was burning the long past midnight oil with Cyrus at 1600 Penn, sadly eliminating Fitz as a possibility, too. If he was going to come to her apartment, he usually did it in the 8-10PM range. It was a little before Midnight and the teaser for what looked to be a Mythbusters marathon was on her muted television screen.
The knocking came again, this time more insistent, rattling the door slightly.
"Olivia? Liv, I know you're home…"
Opening the peephole, she took in the sight of Jake Ballard. He was holding a Gettysburger bag and a bottle of wine. He had shaved his face and looked to be wearing a dress shirt instead of the t-shirts he had worn before, topped by a blazer instead of leather jacket.
She hadn't seen him since the morning confrontation between him, Fitz, and the Secret Service Agents. No phone calls, no "accidents" in a donut shop line, not even a text message!
The saying 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' was not applying and Olivia felt grateful for that. She had been confused for far too long in her personal life. She had clarity again and that new clarity left no room for the man in the vestibule. If he had been mature, then maybe she could've carved a small space for him but he had been sulking. He saw her as a prize, "The Girl" to get at the end of the story's journey. Her rejecting him in favor of Fitz, in favor of the man he knew that she loved, had blown that pipe dream out of the water. Instead of being a man about it and accepting reality with grace, he spent weeks pouting and pretending that she didn't exist.
What was really irking her was that if she had texted him, called him saying that she was horny, that she needed him, then his Houdini would've ended immediately. No questions asked, no concern showed, Jake would've been willing to get his ashes hauled. Before, she went along with it, encouraged him to use her body at will so she could feel better about using him in general. He had been another avenue of escape, a most toxic one. Before, she felt like their "relationship" was what she deserved. Before, she had been willing to hide with him, to run away and settle for him so she wouldn't have to properly deal with the feelings that Fitz evoked in her.
Now, things were different.
"Why are you here, Jake?"
"I brought you dinner and some more wine for you. It's not Du Bellay but it's good. Top reviews on Google."
"I've already eaten dinner and my doctors recommend that I cut back on booze. Why are you here, Jake? What do you want?"
"I came to see you, hang out with my friend. We're still friends, aren't we?"
"I'm not too sure about that, Jake. I haven't heard from you in weeks. I thought you left town."
"I needed some time to think. Look, can you just open the door?"
"No, I won't."
"Why?"
"Because you're not here to be a friend. You're here for a quick fuck."
"No, I'm not!"
"You could've fooled me. Let's see… it's pushing Midnight, you shaved, you're wearing nice clothes, you've got cologne on, and you brought the exact same food combination that typically led to us having sex. I haven't seen or heard from you in weeks, ever since I made it clear that Fitz is my endgame. If we were really friends, if you really cared about me, then you would've stayed in touch, even just through a text. The fact that you didn't is proof that you only care about me when I'm saving your ass from Rowan or spreading my legs for you. I don't need or deserve that kind of treatment from you or anyone else. Go home."
"Hey, communication goes both ways! You could've reached out to me but you didn't!"
"I didn't and I'm better off without you around. You're not good for me. You're as bad as Rowan for me. Actually, you're worse since I've never had sex with Rowan and he's never pushed or choked me like you have."
"Olivia…"
"When I'm ready to be intimate with a man again, I don't want to do it with someone who doesn't care about me and who I don't completely trust. You don't give a damn about me for me and I don't trust you as far as I can throw you. I never have. I used to ignore all of my doubts about you to force whatever the hell we called ourselves doing to work but things are different, now. I'm different now and I do not have the time or the energy to play games with you anymore. I deserve better than you. I am better than you. Take your Gettysburger, your wine, and go home. Good night, Jake."