Chapter 42

Tris

I blink against the neon lights that shine down from the concrete ceiling, and the fear landscape room becomes visible.

Is this real?

I carefully take in my surroundings and look for anything that's out of the ordinary. It all appears normal: The naked gray walls, the rusty pipes that run alongside it, with water dripping down from a leak close to the floor, and the metal door which is both entrance and exit.

It opens and Tobias strolls in, smiling. Behind him, the crowd cheers and claps.

"Congratulations, Tris! You've just become a member of Dauntless. Your time was the shortest of all the initiates."

He stands in front of me, and all I want is that he pulls me into his arms and kisses me. I know he can't. Instead, I take his outstretched hand. It's slightly cold. He takes me by surprise when he closes his strong arms around my back and gives me a hug.

Here, in the fear landscape room? With everyone watching?

I pull back quickly, and so does he. Now the rest of the judges join us, led in by Max, and they each congratulate me separately. I hate Eric and Max doing that, whereas I don't mind the two foreign members shaking my hand, and I'm happy to see Lauren's honest joy about me having passed the exam.

I can't believe that it's over.

They all leave the room again after felicitating me. Tobias, who is walking in front of me, stops by the door to let me pass first and gently lays his palm on the small of my back as he guides me outside. All my attention is called to that touch, and only when he takes his hand away and other people's replace his, patting me on the shoulder or shaking my hands, I slowly begin to realize what has happened.

Initiation is done. I'm a member now.

I spot Christina and Uriah waiting for meon the other side of the crowd. Usually wary of physical affection, I happily allow them to hug me. Especially Uriah seems genuinely proud of me.

Tobias told me earlier that he and Lauren had to write short summaries of our landscapes after we'd be done, and that we wouldn't be able to see each other between the exam and the party tonight, but I wish he'd have been mistaken about that.

Sadly, he wasn't. I see him walk off with Lauren, telling me a silent goodbye with his eyes. I wink back at him before he disappears around a corner and I'm dragged away by Uriah and Christina to descend to the pit.

There's an unofficial pre-party going on, and only seconds after getting there, Marlene shoves a glass into my hand, clinks hers with mine and takes a large gulp of her drink. I guess I can't entirely avoid alcohol today. I don't want to get drunk because of my own plans for the evening apart from the big party, but a drink won't hurt.

So I drink. And clink glasses. And dance to the dull music coming out of small portable speakers. And drink some more. I'm being hugged and hug people back. Laughter and cheers join the music.

I made it.

I really made it.

I'm Dauntless.

I can't believe that it's over and that I managed to get through the simulations without giving Tobias' and my relationship away. My fear is gone. If I'd already been over it yesterday, or if his explanation why he wanted to wait drove its remnants away, is something I don't know, and I never will.

The important thing is that there's no obstacle left between my soul and his that stops us from breaking that last physical boundary tonight.

XXX

Warm water washes over my face. I can't get enough of letting it flow over my skin today like the relief that's flowing through my body.

Although I know I should worry about the attack on Abnegation, I prefer to push those thoughts to the back of my mind. I don't want to ruin my triumph with them. Not tonight. I feel utterly strong and independent, and I finally am. I found the place where I belong, and I smile to myself as I realize that it isn't Dauntless that comes to my mind first.

By the time I turn off the water and wrap a towel around me, the whole bathroom is misty. It's no wonder after the excessively long time I spent in here.

But who cares?

I extend my arm to wipe away the droplets from the mirror and take as much time as I want to look into my own eyes, not out of vanity, but out of pride. It's been a long way to where I am now.

And then I do something that I've never done before, something I was never able to stand: I let the towel slowly glide down my body until it drops to my feet. My bathroom is small, but it's big enough for me to look at myself in the mirror from the knees up.

My skin is already heated from the shower, otherwise my face would have turned hot as I force my gaze to keep on my reflection. I follow my silhouette from my shoulders down to my knees and back up.

I try to see my breasts the way Tobias does when he says how perfectly they fit into his hands, how soft they feel under his lips, how he loves each of the ravens flying above them. However, it remains a challenge.

My eyes wander further down, over the parts of me Tobias hasn't seen yet. He will tonight. My heart beats heavily at the thought of him seeing me completely naked. It will be a step into the unknown, but I'm prepared to take it.

I stay with my reflection until the heat in my cheeks has cooled down and my bareness doesn't embarrass me as much anymore. I should do this more often, until the urge to avert my eyes from my own body will disappear. I want to learn to be able to look at myself with the same love as Tobias does.

Tobias

I smile when I find the note Tris left on my kitchen counter. Apparently, she left to get ready for tonight's party at Marlene's apartment, where Christina is planning to do all the girls' hair and make-up. I smile and shake my head in amusement. It doesn't sound like Tris' favorite activity, and she has decorated the note with some smiley faces that look as if they were rolling their eyes, but I understand that she's looking for her friends' company. They all have something in common with her that I have not: They all have just passed initiation.

I still remember the night of my initiation. I was dragged to the party by Zeke and Shauna, who started making out later that night, and we had so many drinks that I had a very bad first morning as a member the following day.

A glance at the clock tells me I still have enough time for a short nap before the party. The bed looks nothing but inviting, although it's still in the state we left it in this morning.

Lying there in the dim light, I take several deep breaths and feel the strain leave my muscles and mind. I didn't know there was this much exertion in me, this much fear.

Tris made it through initiation, and not only that, she'll be ranked firstif I'm not mistaken. I'm so proud of her. Now we can stay in Dauntless and build us a life here — that is if we succeed in destroying our own leaders' disastrous plans.

My determination to fight for our life at Dauntless increased noticeably today, pushed by the fear of having to leave this faction. I never knew how anxious I was of being made factionless until in those minutes I watched Tris go through her fear landscape. Apparently, this place has become more of a home than I thought it had, and I'm relieved I can stay here, with her, for now. And one day in the near future, here or wherever, we can be officially together as a couple, free to hold hands and kiss where and as much as we want.

Four and Six.

That's how people can call us then.

XXX

About two hours later, I'm ready to leave.

I take a look around at my apartment, my heart jumping when my gaze falls onto my bed. I tried to make it look as tidy and cozy as possible.

Now that I've seen Tris' final landscape, I can't wait to be with her — that is, if she still wants it. I can fantasize about how it might feel to be inside her as much as I want, it still remains impossible to imagine.

When I turn off the lights, the sudden darkness of my apartment makes me hesitate. The moon, shining for Tris and me so brightly the other night, is now hidden behind thick clouds covering the sky.

I switch the lights back on and open a drawer in the kitchen, take out the two candles we used on our date in the Ferris wheel and set one on the nightstand and the other on top of my cupboard. Tris surely will prefer the soft candlelight to the artificial one from the lamp.

Before I leave, I place my lighter on the kitchen counter, so I won't have to look for it later.

The closer I get to the pit, the louder the noise becomes. Music blasts from huge speakers hanging from the walls all around the place, and the dancing crowd roars and cheers.

I stop as soon as the mass of people comes into view. I have to remind myself that I didn't mind the confinement down in the bar the last times I was there, that I even enjoyed myself.

Besides, Tris is somewhere between all these people.

Tris

I keep scanning the crowd for Tobias from where we are on the dance floor. This time, Christina knows who I'm searching for, so she just grins at me whenever she notices I look around— that is, when she's not busy kissing Will. I'm thankful for the rest of our friends being here, so it doesn't become too awkward. Besides, Zeke and Uriah put on quite a show, battling each other with strange and crazy dance moves, which is highly entertaining.

I laugh and dance along with them all, and then Tobias appears out of nowhere. He doesn't really dance, though. Instead, he holds on tight to his beer and simply sways in the music's rhythm, exchanging glances with me. He seems to enjoy watching me dance, and he smiles whenever I laugh.

I wish I could take his hand and make him dance with me.

"Come on, Four, all your initiates made it through initiation this year, party with us!" Zeke bounces his hips into Tobias' side, trying to animate him. It's funny to watch him try different strategies, with at least a little success in the end.

For one song, Tobias dances. I think I found another thing he's not perfect at. Judging from the way he acts, he knows it, too. I grin at him, cause everyone else does the same, and he covers his awkward movements by exaggerating them to make us laugh.

It's hilarious, and I love him even more for not taking himself too seriously at this moment. Carefree Tobias is too often hidden under his Four-shell. A pang of sadness crosses my mind upon thinking that he'd probably be like this more often if it wasn't for Marcus and Evelyn.

At half past ten, Shauna leaves our group to help with the punch. It's only half an hour until the entire faction is going to meet on the roof to clink glasses full of — serum-filled — punch and watch fireworks. I'm looking forward to seeing that, since I never have before.

The music is tuned down at ten to eleven, and we all proceed up to the roof. But because we are so many, we don't manage to gather there until half past eleven.

"It's the same every year. Punctuality is not actually a Dauntless strength," Zeke explains to me with a wink.

"I figured that out already," I laugh back at him, thinking about the countless times I had to wait for someone here. All my life I was trained to be punctual, so I'm usually rather five minutes too early than too late.

The whole terrace is full of members, and punch is being passed around. I eye my glass with a mixture of fear, uncertainty, pride and hope.

Max and Eric step onto one of the chimneys, and everyone becomes quiet. Well, as quiet as Dauntless can get, especially after a long day of celebrations. I try to think of peaceful images like Amity fields or sunsets while they speak. I don't want to hear what they have to say. It's nothing but filthy lies.

Once they are done and finally rise their glasses into the air, I hold up mine, just like everyone else, and I glare at our treacherous leaders from my safe spot in the middle of the crowd.

They have no idea, so focused on their own agenda that they miss what's happening right in front of them. Satisfaction spreads through me with the drink I take together with all the others raising their glasses to their lips, knowing that we drink not only to initiation, but to freedom.

A loud bang startles me, followed by another and another, and by colorful sparkles spreading from little explosions in the sky. I open my mouth in amazement. I didn't know there were so many kinds of rockets. Some glitter, some crackle, some leave traces of light in the darkness. It's magnificent.

And while everyone is occupied with watching the fireworks, in the shelter of our friends around us and the cramped conditions on the roof, Tobias' index finger strokes over the back of my hand.

I caress his fingertips with my own, slowly, while I keep my eyes on the colors that the Dauntless pyrotechnics paint into the night.

The knowledge of doing something forbidden, something risky, sends sparks through me, too. It's like kissing with our fingers, changing between soft and strong, pushing and pulling.

As soon as the fireworks are over, Tobias squeezes my hand and lets go of it. I turn and see him walk away, making his way towards the staircase.

I'm sure where he's going. I want to follow him. Although I haven't eaten in the last three hours, my stomach suddenly feels full.

I need to go, or I'll go crazy.

I have to wait, or we could raise suspicions.

Nobody is paying attention to us anyway.

Our friends do.

They know about us already. Well, most of them.

Those who don't know might start asking questions.

Come on, look around! All those couples around you!

Zeke and Shauna hold each other tightly, Will and Christina make out way too much for being out in public and Uriah and Marlene exchange a very gentle-looking first kiss. I watch them deepen it, and it looks so hesitant and loving, with her blushing and his hands slightly shaking, that it reminds me of Tobias and me, and I don't want to wait any longer to get home to him.

DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.