Chapter 48

Tobias

"Well, we'll finally get those new training mats next month," I say, and Zeke nods.

There's another silence in our conversation that I don't know how to fill, so I take a sip of my coffee. Zeke does the same, but he sighs as he sets his mug back down on his living room table.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong or not?"

I'm startled.

"Why do you think something's wrong?"

"Cause you're my friend and I know you. You still seem to think you're a mystery to everyone, but you're not. You'd never come to visit me half an hour before we have to go to the control room just to talk about Chicago weather and training room equipment."

I close my hands around the warm mug in my hands and lean forward with my elbows on my knees. He's damn right, but I'm no longer sure if it was a good idea to come here.

"There was something I wanted to talk to you about, but I think I've changed my mind."

"Then I won't be able to help you, my friend."

Zeke shrugs, the movement so exaggerated that I have to stifle a laugh. Zeke being Zeke, he always finds a way to make me want to open up to him lately, even when I'm not convinced. But at the same time, I never end up being angry with him about it. On the contrary, most of the time I feel much lighter after talking to him, and this is why I came here in the first place.

"Okay, okay, you're right. Again. It's just... I don't know where to begin."

"Let me help you: It's about Tris."

I nod.

"And it's about sex?"

"Zeke!"

"Four!" He copies my exact tone and expression.

Honestly, how can he tell? I clear my throat.

"Uhm, we... had sex the night after initiation."

"That was easy to notice when looking at the two of you," he grins. "Was it good?"

"Yes, it was amazing." I hesitate. "At least for me. She told me how much she liked it, too, but..."

I'm running out of words as I'm getting more and more uncomfortable. This is between me and Tris. I should have started this conversation differently, on a less personal level.

"Oh, you mean she didn't come during your first time? Really, don't worry about that. It's normal. It was the same with Shauna and me, even if we each had experience when we got together. But we still had to get used to each other."

I release a breath I didn't know I was holding after he's finished speaking. He talks to me about his sex life with the same lightheartedness with which he talks to me about, well, Chicago weather and training room equipment. I envy how at ease he is with the topic.

Zeke, my goofy, sometimes extremely childish friend, manages to talk about sex like an adult, whereas I sit here with a flushed face and stammer my way around what I initially wanted to say.

"Does this information somehow help you?"

"Yes. — And after your first time, how long did it take to... get used to each other?"

"That's a good question. I can't really remember. It wasn't that long, since we couldn't keep our hands off each other. We often had sex, in many different places, and we experimented quite a lot."

He wriggles his eyebrows and grins widely now, and I look away from him to stare into my coffee cup. Seeing him think of his and Shauna's first sexual encounters feels like invading his privacy.

"If you want to speed things up a little, you should try giving her oral. It works wonders," he then says out of the blue, and I raise the mug to my lips once more for lack of something else to do.

If I thought this whole situation couldn't get more awkward, I'm soon proven wrong.

"Zeke is right, you should definitely try going down on her. She'll love it," Shauna confirms as she enters the living room with a glass of juice in her hand.

I choke on my coffee and hold a hand in front of my mouth to prevent me from spilling it everywhere. What the hell is Shauna doing here? She calmly hands me a tissue that she pulls out of her pocket and sits down on the chair between Zeke and me.

They even take time to wish each other a good morning and exchange a short kiss while I cough and try to regain my composure.

"What are you doing here? Why are you not in the infirmary?"

I wish there was a hole for me in the floor that I could sink into.

"I happen to live here, and my shift doesn't start until twelve, so I slept in."

I turn to Zeke. "You knew she was here?"

"Sure. She was still asleep when you came over. I didn't know she'd be listening."

"Hey, I wasn't listening. Well, not before I heard you say my name," Shauna defends herself.

Great. So she heard almost all the sex-part of our conversation.

"You could have said something right away, so we'd known you were listening," I say, hating how accusing, yet at the same time insecure, I sound.

"Come on, Four, it's not as if I didn't know about your plans to have sex with Tris. Besides, you didn't say much anyway. I'm the one who has the right to get mad here, since my lovely boyfriend was mostly talking about me and our sex life."

"Sorry, darling," Zeke mumbles and reaches over to squeeze her hand.

"It's okay, you were trying to help."

Then Shauna turns to me again, and I fight to keep eye contact with her.

"So, you want the opinion of a girl?"

I scratch the back of my neck. I have the feeling this is rather a rhetorical question. Now that the beans are already spilled, it won't hurt to hear what she has to say. Or maybe it will, in regard to being excruciatingly embarrassing.

"Okay, I'll take your silence as a yes. First of all, don't worry so much. If she says it's not a problem that she didn't come, it's probably not a problem. It's as simple as that. Second, talk to her. Ask her what she likes, what she wants. And maybe tell her something you want first, so she won't feel pressured. Third, take your time and don't chase her orgasm too hard. Pressure is your enemy in bed, so you want to avoid it. And fourth, even if she doesn't know it yet, she'll love you pleasuring her with your mouth."

She grins at me, enjoying once more how this topic makes me uneasy. Well, uneasy is an absolute understatement.

XXX

It takes the whole way to the control room and the first half an hour of our shift until I've calmed down again and my face isn't glowing with heat anymore.

I'm lucky Zeke can't tease me at work, since we have two interns from Lauren's group of initiates today, one of them being her sister Lynn. Lots of the new members use their free week to check out the different jobs Dauntless has to offer.

I guess this morning I got the awkward sex talk people keep laughing about, with the difference that I got it from my friends and not my parents. That would have been even worse.

By lunchtime, I'm over the embarrassment enough to start thinking about the actual content of our conversation. Both Zeke and Shauna said it's not really a problem to worry about, just like Tris did. Good. I'll tell her that I don't want to pressure her, too. That's easy, and true.

Telling her about my wishes in bed — that's more challenging. We found a way to communicate openly, even about sex, but it's different to explicitly tell her about a fantasy or ask her about one of hers. It seems bold. Maybe I can start with what I've already mentioned to her.

Tris

I make my way through the city to Candor headquarters with Christina by my side. We split up into two teams and are going to meet Will and Uriah again at the entrance to the Merciless Mart.

That gives us the chance to talk. Christina wants me to spill her some details about my first night with Tobias, but I avoid giving her too much information. There are things that I feel comfortable sharing, but others I keep to myself. Some things I would never tell anyone, and I would never ask her those details about Will. In fact, I'm getting annoyed after a while.

"Really, I won't tell you about his size, so stop asking me for details like that," I brush her off.

That's none of her business. I decide to change the topic now. There is something I want to ask her, too.

"Why did you vote against allowing Uriah to tell Marlene about the Allegiant?"

"Why not? It's my opinion," she snaps.

"That's not an answer, and you know that. But fine, let me phrase it differently: Why are you of the opinion that he shouldn't tell Marlene?"

"Because the more people know, the more people could betray us."

I stop in my tracks and grab Christina's wrist, turning her to face me.

"It's not just any person we talk about here, it's Marlene, our friend!"

"It is, but what I say is still true. If there's fewer people involved, the chance of someone blabbing, even accidentally, is much smaller. It increases the more people know."

"You sound like an Erudite when you talk like this!"

She pulls her hand free and starts walking fast again, and it hits me where this attitude must be coming from.

"Wait!" I shout as I jog after her. "This is coming from Will, isn't it? You're supporting his opinion, not your own!"

"This is my opinion," she retorts.

"Fine, but where did you get it from? Since when do you just adopt your boyfriend's opinions?"

"It's not that I'm the only one who's becoming like her boyfriend. The Tris I know wouldn't grab me by the wrist or snap at me when I ask her a question."

What?

"How can you turn this against me now? I told you twice that there are things that are too intimate for me to share with anyone except Four, and I only became harsh when I had to repeat that for the third time, cause you didn't seem to respect it."

"Good, then talk to Four about it, like you always do lately."

I can't believe we're fighting in the middle of the street. People are actually beginning to turn their heads as we walk past. I swallow the bubbling anger down for the sake of making it to Candor safely. This is ridiculous, since when are we like that?

"Christina, all I want is that you think about Marlene once more. Please," I try again shortly before we reach our destination.

"I will, if I find the time to do so," she replies, but her tone remains icy. Her answer is probably supposed to make me drop the issue.

When we get to the meeting point, Uriah and Will are already there. We go over what we want to say once we're meeting Jack Kang, and then walk in together.

XXX

Two hours later we step out of Jack's office. It was a long meeting, and we had to tell him more than we initially wanted to make him agree to help us, and he still wants us to bring him proof of our accusations before he can fully support us. We'll need to discuss that among our group.

Will and Christina take off together to the Erudite compound to find Cara and tell her about the latest events, so that she can pass the information on to Caleb. That makes Uriah and me a team on our way back home. Due to the relatively mild autumn weather, we don't rush. Actually, it's nice to spend time with Uriah. Usually there's always other people around, but I'm comfortable being alone with him.

"So, you and Four, hm?" he smiles at me while we take a break in the park, sitting on a tree trunk.

"What about us?" I ask cautiously.

I'm not sure what he's hinting at. Christina's blunt questions come up again in my mind, and I only hope Uriah won't be like her. I can only imagine how awkward it would be to be asked those things by a boy. But his question is not what I was expecting.

"You're serious, aren't you?"

"Very serious indeed."

"So you're in love? Like really, madly in love?"

He tips my shoulder with his, smiling, and making me smile, too.

"Yes, we are. Why?"

"Oh, just because it's so nice to watch you two together, the way you interact. You seem to really trust each other, and even when you disagree you still have this connection."

"Oh," I say. "Thank you."

I appreciate his words. They seem honest. Uriah might also be the right person to ask about something that's been bothering me since earlier.

"So you don't think I'm becoming too much like him?"

"What, like Four?"

I nod.

"No, you're still you. Why wouldn't you be? What kind of question is this?"

He frowns at me. I take a deep breath and tell him about the fight I had with Christina on the way to Candor and the accusations she threw at me.

"That's bullshit. You're still you, like I said, you're just a stronger and more confident version of yourself than when you transferred. And of course you're becoming more Dauntless, we all do. We're members now, so that's what we're supposed to."

I have to swallow the lump in my throat. I wasn't expecting Uriah to find such fitting words for how I feel.

"Besides, I need to thank you for speaking up for me and Marlene yesterday. I hope you didn't have an argument about that with Four later."

"No, we didn't even mention it anymore." I pause. "Don't take his opinion personally, please. It can be difficult for him to trust people."

I hope that wasn't too inappropriate to share, but I want to let Uriah know that Tobias isn't against him.

But he seems to be aware of that anyway. "I know, Tris. Four actually helped me a lot during initiation. I think it's not worth getting angry with him about this, he'll change his mind due to the circumstances when we discuss our excursion to Candor later. Maybe not right away, but he will. I know he's not a bad person, just closed-off sometimes."

I nod, surprised what a perceptive observer Uriah is. I tell him, cause he deserves to hear it.

"Yes, I know this often gets lost between having Chicago's most elaborate humor and being extraordinarily good-looking," he chuckles.

"I'm serious!"

"Yeah, me too."

His grin is contagious.

"But let's talk about you and Marlene. I saw you kiss at the party on Saturday night."

"Then you witnessed one of the happiest moments of my life, which also happened to be one of my most nervous."

"I never knew you could be nervous," I laugh. Talking to Uriah can be so refreshingly easy.

"Oh yes, I can. Who isn't when falling in love?"

"It doesn't seem like a very common trait in Dauntless."

"Just because people keep flirting around and having hook-ups doesn't mean they don't get flustered when they are in love. Feelings change everything. It doesn't matter how many others you've kissed before, or if you've slept with a dozen different people already. When you catch feelings, all the experience doesn't help to stop your heart from pounding like mad."

"You've really fallen for her."

"For a while now, and that's why I want to tell her. I don't like having secrets." He thinks for a while and then adds, "I mean, some secrets you have to keep, but this is one I want to share."

"Now you're being cryptic."

"Am I? Sorry. I'm just drowning in hormones, I guess. That, and I've had a bad night."

"Why?"

"I had a crazy nightmare that woke me up and then kept me awake, so I finally got up at half past five and went to the training room for an early workout. That's why I was able to surprise Marlene with a nice breakfast later when I got back. From then on, the day became better and better, and now I'm sitting here with you, having a nice chat, and later I'm going out with Marlene."

"After the meeting?"

"Yes, I hope we won't waste too much time on useless discussions and focus on the important stuff. And maybe I can tell Marlene afterwards. Or maybe I'll wait until tomorrow. I don't want to ruin our date."

"In that case, I think waiting until tomorrow might be a good idea."

"Yeah, so then I can ruin the morning instead of the evening," Uriah snorts, unable to hide the bitterness at this moment, kicking a stone that's lying in the grass next to our tree.

"Or you can see it as giving her one more carefree night with you," I sigh, wishing I could have one, too.

DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.