Chapter 50: Tuesday, 3 days after initiation

Tobias

"So are you going to tell me what's going on?"

"What do you mean?" Tris asks, but she can't fool me. Her eyes are cast down on the toast she's eating.

"I don't know, but ever since we came home yesterday you've been acting strange."

"Why is it strange that I want us to spend a night in my apartment instead of yours for a change?"

"Because I don't understand why you'd rather sleep in a cold room instead of a warm one, and why we brought breakfast over here when we could have had it in my kitchen."

"We stay at your place all the time, I just wanted to use my own apartment for a change. I can't see why that is something I need to justify myself for."

I set my cup down. This is getting frustrating.

"I never said you needed to justify yourself, I just asked you what's going on. We may not have been together for long, but I can certainly tell when something is bothering you, and if it has to do with me, I want to know. I can't believe we're getting into a fight about something as stupid as where we sleep."

"You see, for me it's not stupid. My apartment is only cold because I haven't spent much time here lately. My fridge is only empty because we never eat here."

"Since when does it matter to you where we stay? You didn't have a problem with that before, so that's why I want you to tell me what's going on!"

I take deep breath and exhale slowly. I need to calm down. It doesn't help if I get angry. Kindness, I think, stay kind.

I reach for Tris' hand. "I don't want to fight. I just want you to tell me what's on your mind, cause I get the feeling that I've done something wrong, but fail to see what it was."

At least I manage to speak calmly.

"I just want us to spend time in my apartment, too. Not because I don't like yours, or I don't like being there, but because I have this nice place that I call my own, and I want to use it. It's only fair if we take turns."

"So this is what it's about? Fairness?"

She shrugs and takes a bite from her toast.

"Listen, if it's really that important to you, we can do that. But if we're talking about fairness here, explain to me why this suddenly turned into such a big problem. We never even talked about this at all."

Although I try to say it nicely, there's an edge in my voice that I can't hide.

"I got into a fight with Christina yesterday, on our way to Candor. It was about how she only voted neutral on Uriah's request because Will told her so, and she accused me to be the same with you," she admits.

"But you voted for the complete opposite position than I did."

It doesn't make sense.

"That's true, but she said I'd only be spending time with you lately, and that I'd become more and more like you."

"You say that as if it was a bad thing to be like me."

"Tobias, that's not what I meant. I meant that she accused me of adopting your opinions and behavior instead of being myself, which isn't true."

"You say it isn't true, but you still let yourself be affected by her words," I sigh.

"I just noticed how little time we spend in my apartment, and I want to change it. That's all. It's not a big deal."

"That's what I said, but you make it a big deal."

This discussion is getting us nowhere.

"Listen, I'll explain it again, from the beginning, maybe then you can understand me better," Tris says and starts to give me a detailed summary of her fight with Christina.

When she's done, I can indeed follow her thoughts with more empathy, although I still don't get why it matters so much to her. Maybe I don't have to understand it in detail, maybe it's enough that I respect her wishes even if I can't see the problem the way she does. She's independent and entitled to her own opinions, no matter where we spend our nights.

Our conversation turns to other topics while we clean the table and do the dishes. Tris is determined to talk to Christina again today, whereas I'm going over to Zeke to give him and Will a hand with the cameras and microphones we want to get ready and hide.

I promise Tris to come over to her apartment tonight. I wish the day ahead of me wouldn't seem so long.

Tris

I enter the tattoo parlor to look for Christina. She's going to spend the day here as an intern to see if she'd like to work here long-term. But she isn't there yet. Tori is the only person already working, cleaning up the place and getting everything ready. She looks up at me and her eyes shine in the neon lights as she recognizes me.

"Tris, congratulations! You made it. Welcome to Dauntless!"

"Thanks Tori, I wouldn't be here without your help," I smile, and she pulls me into a hug.

I realize how true that is. If Tori hadn't taken the risk and entered my test results manually, if she hadn't kept quiet about what I am, I wouldn't be a Dauntless member now. I wouldn't even have gotten the chance to learn how to fight and to deal with the simulations in the first place.

"So what can I do for you today? Want a new tattoo now that initiation is over?"

"Actually, I wanted to talk to Christina, and I know she'll pass the day with you here."

"Oh, I'm afraid then you'll have to wait another hour, since she didn't want to start early. Which is fine, cause that gives me time to start the day calmly. She can talk your ear off at times, and I don't need that first thing in the morning."

I join her laughter, a friendly one, not a mean one. I decide to wait for Christina in the tattoo parlor, and while I'm already here, I flip through the designs. Maybe I will get another tattoo.

It's nice to spend time with Tori, although we don't talk much. But it's not necessary. We are both comfortable with the silence.

It is ten o'clock when Christina arrives. She greets Tori first, and then she looks at me.

"Morning Tris," she mumbles.

"Good morning."

"Why don't you two have a coffee in the staff room in the back? There won't be any clients before eleven anyway," Tori offers.

I nod at her thankfully, then look at Christina. I want to get our nasty fight out of the world, and I hope so does she. The silence between us is awkward, but at least not hostile. I occupy myself with the coffee machine while Christina takes a look at the sketches that hang on the opposite wall. She turns around when she hears me place our filled cups on the table.

We sit down and then both begin speaking at the same time.

"I'm sorry, Tris."

"I didn't want to fight with you like that."

We share a smile and I tell her to talk first.

"Look, Tris, what I said came out unfiltered. I didn't mean it like that. Or no, at this moment I spoke my thoughts out loud, but I was only thinking that way because I'd gotten into a fight with Will the day before, and I was angry that you rubbed it under my nose that I followed his vote, when I only did it to keep the peace with him."

An apology from Christina? I always thought she was too proud for that. But I keep that thought to myself.

"I'm sorry you were fighting with him. I didn't know about it."

"You were very occupied with being Four's girlfriend."

"But you could have just asked me to have a drink or coffee with you. We always found time for that. You know I wouldn't turn you down if you said you needed someone to talk."

"You weren't the right person to talk to that day. You and Four are so happy with each other all the time."

"That wouldn't stop me from listening to your problems. And me and Four, we're not happy all the time. We are getting closer, but we also have our arguments. And certainly, all that's going on doesn't fail to leave a mark on us."

"How can you stand arguing with him at all? He must be scary when he's angry. He always was during training."

I have to bite back a chuckle at seeing her expression.

"He's nicer than he seemed in training. Or he tries to be."

"So what were you two fighting over?"

"My fight with you, kind of. I insisted that we should indeed spend more time in my apartment, not only in his. I think he didn't fully understand my point of view, but he accepted my plea."

"I'm sorry I caused that argument."

Christina looks remorseful. But I still have to ask what's been bothering me most. Her words stirred my insecurities.

"Do you really think I give up too much of myself in this relationship?"

"No," she mumbles. "I missed our friendship, I missed spending time with you, and I was hurt by your accusations about me following Will's opinion, so I wanted to hurt you back. Not very grown-up, I guess. It's the other way round, I admire how you dare to vote against Four's decision. That's pretty Dauntless, that you're not afraid of getting into a conflict with your boyfriend. And yes, you still keep some Abnegation habits as well, like making our coffee without hesitation, and you even remembered to put half a spoon of sugar into mine."

This is the Candor speaking in Christina, not shying away from the truth, even if it's uncomfortable. I accept her apology, although I don't like that she had an impulse to hurt me. I wish she hadn't felt that way, but it cannot be undone. I won't get more of an apology or an explanation from her. And what more could she actually say about it? I'll do my best to forgive her, and her future actions will show me if it is the right thing to do.

I take the time to listen to her speaking about herself and Will, and the fight they had when he defended some of his former faction's behavior.

"Don't get the wrong impression, though. He's Dauntless now and supports the Allegiant without doubt. I just couldn't stand listening to him talking about the good sides of Erudite, and that there are not only bad and power-hungry people in it. It was definitely the wrong night for that after we all were injected in the pit."

"I get that, I had a horrible nightmare that night."

I shudder at the memory.

"Really? I slept so deeply that night, at least after I managed to fall asleep at last. Will was the same. Everyone I talked to said the serum had made them exhausted and drowsy. I mean, most people don't know what it really was, so they didn't worry about it."

I want to reply to her that it's not true, but I bite my lip to stop myself. One sentence lingers in my brain: Everyone I talked to said the serum had made them exhausted and drowsy.

Everyone I talked to said they were having nightmares, although nobody put the blame on the serum.

Tobias.

Lauren.

Myself.

Uriah?

The Divergent.

Why didn't I notice that connection earlier?

Shit, does it mean the vaccine isn't working on them? Or on us? Or on anyone?

I'll have to go and see Caleb. I need to tell him and ask for his expertise.

I can't tell Christina about it because there's no way I could explain this to her without giving away that I am Divergent and know others who are.

Thankfully, Tori pops her head in to ask how much longer we need for our coffee. Today's first customer is there and waiting to get his tattoo. Christina jumps up with excitement, and I inwardly thank Tori for interrupting us in the right moment.

Before I leave the compound, I have to tell Tobias where I'm going. At least one person should know where I am, just in case.

I run into Lauren only seconds after I left the tattoo parlor. I immediately see that she's worried, nervous even.

"Tris, I don't know what it is about, but Eric wants to see you in his office."

"What? Why?"

This can't be good. Whenever Eric is involved, it can never be good.

"I don't know. He approached me during breakfast and asked if I knew where you were. He said he needed a word with you, in his office. I told him I'd go looking for you. I have no idea what it's about. He didn't explain himself."

"Do you think he knows something about us?"

"I don't know. I tried to get something out of him, but I failed. Maybe it was too early in the morning."

"What has the time to do with it?"

I'm not sure why I ask. It's not important. Perhaps it's to buy time until I've processed the news.

"Let's say I have my own strategy to get Eric to talk," she says, but the confusion must be written over my face. Lauren lowers her voice, "I use my female charms on him from time to time, to make him a bit more talkative. It coaxes his ego, so he's more likely to listen to me and give me what I ask for."

"Lauren, really? How can you do that?"

I could never act this way towards Eric. I may have played a role in front of him before, but I can't imagine flirting with him. And it surely wouldn't work for me. Eric doesn't look at me like that.

"Simple acting. I remind myself of what I want from him, and it often works."

"Wow. It is a smart strategy."

It just could never be mine.

Tobias

"Let me in, it's me!"

Tris sounds urgent, and her determined knocking against the door makes my stomach sink. This can only mean more trouble. And sure enough, she's panting.

"Eric wants to see me in his office. He sent Lauren to look for me and send me over. No idea what it's about. I thought maybe you have a microphone ready that I could try to hide there."

"Give me two minutes," Zeke replies and gets to work again at the kitchen table that is full of electronic spare parts.

"I could come with you," I offer, already sure that she'll say no. And she'd be right. How should she explain bringing her former instructor?

"No, you can't accompany me there. I have to go on my own."

"I know."

"Here, take this," Zeke says, turning up at our sides with a small black capsule that contains a microphone. He hands it to Tris, who examines it between her fingers. "Lucky Will and I spent half the night puttering with these items, so we'll be able to listen in on your conversation and record it. If you can hide it in Eric's office, we could spy on him some more. Could be a great opportunity for us."

He sounds a little too enthusiastic. I clear my throat.

"Only leave it there if it is safe to do so."

"Of course," Tris replies and stuffs the bug into the pocket of her pants.

Then she takes my hand and squeezes it, and I remember that we now kiss around our friends. I pull her close and press my lips on hers, and this time it's not just a peck, but a real kiss. I hate to let her go to Eric. Now that initiation is over, I can't think of a reason why he wants to talk to her, unless he suspects something.

After Tris has gone, Zeke shoves his shoulder into mine. "Remember how I once told you that I didn't think you were cute?" He chuckles. "Now I think about changing my mind about that."

"Shut up, idiot," I groan, bumping my elbow into his side. "Better get your computer going."

"Oooh, scary Four is back," he laughs.

DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.